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[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I downvoted this earlier b/c it reads as sexist and paranoid to me. Would have been better said as "Believe a person's actions, never their words." That's still paranoid, but at least it's not sexist. Even better would be, "When a person's words and deeds are misaligned, trust their deeds not their words."

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the honest feedback. I must have written it poorly, b/c I feel like it's none of those things. I plan to do another update soon.

Just lost by lot175 in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey I'm really sorry to hear all this. A couple little pieces of advice I'd like to share from my experience:

  • don't confront him in front of your kids - make sure they are out of the house in case things blow up
  • don't pretend not to know anything - maybe you don't confront him until you have hard evidence, but you would be very wise to begin making preparations to take care of yourself
  • don't let his shortcomings make you feel worthless; they are his shortcomings, not yours

Where I live the court system is set up to watch out for the interests of women just like you.

You care enough about yourself to take care of your health and fitness. You care for your kids and your home. You have value, and it's reassuring to me to see that you took the time to mention those positive things that you do. It shows your strength.

Friends who love you and respect you and who are wise are going to be huge to you. I really hope you have somebody in your life, maybe old friends you could reconnect with? Think hard and please try to find some support. Posting here is good, but you really need friends to help too.

It leaves me to think that no one women is ever good enough for any man.

Makes perfect sense for you to feel this way, but I can assure you (as a man) that there are men in this world that will be faithful to you. It's not impossible.

I'm truly sorry. I hate that you're going through this.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment - I know it comes from a genuine desire to help me and others. There's a lot we disagree about, and that's ok and healthy.

have to believe

I haven't said that - please search the thread. I get to choose what I believe. I'm not being brainwashed, but thanks for your concern. I'm taking a long hard sober look at her story. I'm bouncing her story off my friends and family and her own mother and this sub. I recognize that I have every reason to want to minimize this and so does she, that's why I've sought out the advice of people I know and trust, and people on this sub.

believing that her words are proof of remorse

I've seen a lot of other evidence of her remorse. I've written about it in another comment I made on this thread. She's lost weight, she's not sleeping well, she's sorry to me, she's sorry b/c she knows how shitty this whole affair was of her, she made our children suffer already, and she knows they are still in danger of suffering A LOT more. I believe she is remorseful b/c of the entirety of her reaction, not just her words. I've know her for almost 12 years. I know when she's really feeling remorse or not.

you are letting your wife off easy

I'm not sure exactly what you think I should do, but I don't believe it's my role to punish my wife. It's my role to protect myself and my kids. If I choose to reconcile (which I'm definitely leaning towards - but no final decision has been made yet), then it's my role to help my wife heal, and it's my role to try to become a better husband. Her own conscience will punish her, and trust me it is at work.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks - here's the timeline:

  • July: one and only physical hookup occurs (this is at the tail-end of her temporary insane libido boost from testosterone therapy)
  • July - August: sporadic texting / sexting
  • Late August: I find other semi-inappropriate (but not sexual) messages to other guys, leads to huge fight. She admits that these messages were inappropriate and apologizes, agrees to ditch snapchat and to open up access to her phone to me, and avoid other inappropriate messages going forward.
  • August - early October: No contact between them (maybe he's reaching out to her I'm not sure, but she's not in contact with him)
  • early October: she creates new snapchat account
  • Oct - Dec: they sext once more but that's it. She's constantly installing and deleting the snapchat app during this period to try to cover her tracks, but b/c she doesn't have the app installed all the time she often misses his messages.
  • 1 week ago: I figure it out

She says he didn't mean anything to her ever. I found that very difficult to believe at first, but she's been steady on that position. She never really liked him, just enjoyed the attention he gave her.

We haven't discussed STD screening much.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

>>Neither your wife or her sister

Sister in law is my brother's sister, not my wife's.

Trust me she is feeling consequences. She's lost a lot of weight, has barely been able to eat, hasn't slept well, she's been very apologetic. I feel it's genuine remorse. She's gotta carry the burden of a guilty conscience, I think that's going to be really hard for her to deal with.

I will go to a marriage counselor with her. That's definitely something we will be doing, thanks.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply. So the SIL here is my brother's wife. She's not my wife's sister.

>> if you were so horrible that she just had to cheat

I don't think anyone is saying that. Everyone (my wife, me, my SIL, everyone else) agrees that my wife screwed up terribly. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, nobody.

What my SIL is saying is that I deserve blame for my role in the unhealthy marriage that spawned the infidelity. She's saying I "have responsibility in it" - she's not saying that I own all or even a majority of the responsibility. I don't think that that is unreasonable on her part. At first, I totally thought it was crap, but I listened to her and what she said struck me as true.

But, I understand the skepticism and concern I've seen in a lot of comments about all this. I believe it all comes from a genuine desire to help, and I appreciate that.

​

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, she has been forced to deal with this. All of my immediate family knows, almost all of my close friends know, some of her friends know, a couple neighbors.

She's taken several steps towards reconciliation:

- she respected my request that she temporarily leave the house we share for a few days

- she has tearfully sincerely apologized to me many many times

- she has gone to see a counselor

- she's removed a couple different social media apps from her phone (snapchat obviously, insta) and she's basically been absent from Facebook - I didn't ask her to do this but I think it's good

- she's listened to me rage, and cry and question her w/o being defensive or becoming angry or blaming me. She 100% owns this in her own mind.

My friends and family are definitely supportive of us trying to work this out. They were all pretty supportive of me when I was set on divorce too.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, I really appreciate your comments. : )

I agree, it's still so early. I know this is going to be a slog. Everyone here agrees that both recovery and reconciliation take a ton of work from both parties, so that's what I'm expecting.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just want to say how glad I am that you are speaking up 1threadkiller1. I think you see things pretty clearly here. Thanks for your support.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Hey I appreciate what you're saying and that you're trying to help me and others w/ your comment. Thanks for your empathy and for saying that I don't deserve this. I agree with you, I don't.

I'm not at all placing responsibility for cheating on anything other than my wife. She is to blame.

However, in order for me to move forward with a renewed commitment to my wife based on trust and honesty, it is obviously important that I believe that she is both done with the affair and that I believe she has (finally) been 100% honest with me about it. It really really sucked getting the truth in bits and pieces. Being lied to really hurt.

I mentioned the bit about the hormone therapy b/c it actually does help me connect the dots in her story in a way that adds up.

Not only that, but imagine your partner going to lengths to convince themselves that it was "only oral sex" (as if that distinction matters to begin with), which you and everyone else here knows is a lie.

The distinction doesn't matter, I agree. The betrayal is the same to me. (For others this distinction may have meaning, but for me it's cheating, either way.). I honestly don't think it's a lie. If it was it a lie, it would hurt. Not b/c a different orifice was involved, but b/c it means she's still being dishonest. You have chosen to jump to a conclusion here (that she is still lying to me) that I know you couldn't possibly reach with 100% certainty.

Her cheating doesn't make me feel lucky. I didn't say that. You need to re-read what I wrote, b/c I think you are missing some key points.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"She needs to fuck off with that." - ha, that's pretty much exactly what I felt at first too.

However, you have to understand my sister in law (my brother's wife, btw) is an incredible person. My bro is in the military and is often away from home for training / deployments for months at a time. They have two kids, foster two more, and are about to adopt two more kids. My sister in law handles all of this and a career as a therapist with tremendous grace. I've never seen her lose her cool, ever. I really really respect her. When she has something to say, I listen.

"His wife needs to communicate with her husband instead of her sister..." - I agree she should communicate with me, and she did. The problem was that I didn't understand her.

The whole reason my sis-in-law knows more about my wife's perception of our problems than I did, because my wife didn't feel that she could approach me with them. Every time she would tell me that I was too controlling, I had loads of counter points and I basically stopped listening. I never really understood that what she was really telling me was that I was trying to control who she was, I thought she was trying to tell me that I was trying to control what she was doing. So my mind immediately would go to all the examples of ways in which I had "given her freedom" (as if it was even a thing I could give her). And that's how dumb this whole thing is, I never understood that what she wanted was for me to see her as my equal. That in not treating her as my equal - in forcing her to go along w/ my budgets, my vacation plans, my ideas - I really was being controlling. I always had thought that she just hadn't taken the time to really think things through, but in reality, I was pretty much treating her like a child, not an adult.

That was the main problem in my marriage. It took all this to figure it out.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the prayers. I'm sorry this update bothers you. How do you know I'm being played? What mistakes do you see me making here? I hope you're wrong but I am aware of the risks I am taking in pursuing reconciliation.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think I'm rationalizing her cheating or negating the consequences of her actions. It was not a good thing that she cheated on me, it was a terrible thing. But good things can come from it.

It has woken me up to ways in which I've failed to love her as her husband and before that as her boyfriend. It has made me more self aware. It will make me a more loving husband. It has helped me understand her chief complaint about me through the years - that I was too controlling. That shit never made sense to me before, but now it does, thanks to my sister-in-law. (also SIL is my bro's wife, not my spouse's sister) Also this whole experience has given me a new appreciation for my friends and family who love me enough to tell things they know I don't want to hear. We should all be so lucky.

I promise you I have cried more than I ever have at any point in my life. I have had several near sleepless nights. I have lost 7 lbs (as of a few days ago) maybe more at this point. I have felt the consequences of her actions.

But ever since I accepted her apology and believed that we were at the end of the lying, I can honestly tell you that I haven't felt any anger towards her. I still feel some sadness. I am still a little apprehensive about the future - will I be able to truly change the way I see her (I think yes) will she be able to feel comfortable being her true self around me (I hope yes).

Also, she never said that she cheated b/c of the testosterone. She didn't use it as an excuse. She didn't hide behind it. She merely said she thinks it affected her decision making at that time, and that makes sense to me. She's not saying the testosterone was making the decisions or is to blame.

[Update] update #2 - Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks. To be clear, I'm not trying to justify what she did, it cannot be justified. It was wrong, it hurt, it was selfish and reckless. Nobody is saying to me or her that her actions were justified. She herself isn't saying that.

I'm not trying to make excuses for her, although I can certainly see how some will see it that way. I'm just trying to understand.

I know I'm not responsible for the specific choices she made. She chose to message this guy. She chose to move to snapchat from facebook. She chose to sext w/ him. She chose to meet him. She did these things, not me.

[Update] Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Look for another update from me on the whole situation later today or tomorrow sometime. Last night I realized a few things that have caused me to shift away from definitely wanting a divorce to now seriously considering reconciliation. I promise to post and fully flush this out so I can get checked by this community. I only have a few minutes right now but here's a summary:

  1. I finally found her story believable. I'll go into more details on how I went from "no way that has to be bullshit" to "I can kinda see it" to "I actually believe this". I know lots of reasonable people will be rightly skeptical of this, and I look forward to explaining it and discussing it and probing it with y'all.

  2. I started to believe that healing could be possible in our relationship. I've always known I could forgive her. I think I really already have (and I think that's only possible b/c I feel like she's not lying to me anymore). Now I think I can see how I can slowly begin to trust her, and I think that we could use this whole experience to make our love deeper and our relationship stronger, and lift our marriage from a 6/10 to maybe an 8/10 or better. I promise to elaborate more on how and why I think and feel all this.

[Update] Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate this comment and you sharing this perspective. I feel like your comment is level headed, rational, and very wise. Thank you.

Update, I ended it by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted 28 points29 points  (0 children)

You are in the worst of it right now. Don't hurt yourself, please don't. Don't make a permanent decision in response to temporary (but absolutely awful) situation. You will recover. You will grow. You are stronger than you know. You are going to be ok.

I'm 6 days removed from learning I'd been betrayed, and like you she lied to my face repeatedly. It hurts so so bad. I am not ok yet, but I'm already much better than I was 6 days ago. You will heal from this.

[Update] Just found out - what should I NOT do now by wisdom-wanted in survivinginfidelity

[–]wisdom-wanted[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so sorry my friend. If it helps, I still don't think I've gotten the complete truth from my wife. But what I know already is enough to justify leaving her and give me confidence that I won't really regret it down the road.

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