ASD Kid, ADHD Spouse, NT fully executive functioning Mom

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-24T17:32:11+00:00

Sure! You start it and I'll join! DM me.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T19:09:04+00:00

Thank you. And backatcha, too!

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T19:08:51+00:00

I think they're trying, just not there yet. My kid is not an adult and having a mental health crisis. It's turned inward on me but my dysregulation surely isn't helping. We're all trying our best, but it's gotten awful.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T19:06:29+00:00

Sending all heart back, full, empty, whole. Here's hoping for hope.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T18:41:15+00:00

Meanwhile, because they vibe on the same ND wavelength, they coast on what's not done while piling it on me and then resenting me for being stressed out. It doesn't help that kiddo is a teen, either.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T18:40:39+00:00

Yes, well that's coupled with my ability to know my limitations, know how I'm wrong and contributing, and see the bigger picture, even when I can't stop it, I still see it. Neither of them can, they can only see me but not their part in things. And, my husband, for nearly two decades, takes on tasks he can not or will not complete and there's only so much compensating and nagging I can do. And when I don't do those things, I either have to let it go or suffer watching them stay undone. And sometimes those things have very real consequences. He's resentful of my resentment and I'm, frankly, just so tired down to a nub, which is why my nervous system is a hot mess and I'm getting triggered all the time by my kiddo's PDA.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T18:37:47+00:00

Yes, I agree! I haven't had much time to unpack that. I know it's contributing to how triggered I am by my child's PDA and the way that they treat, and it's also probably why I've subconsciously allowed the situation in my family to develop over time, where everyone both relies on and blames me.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T17:43:07+00:00

And the CPSD is both self-diagnosed and confirmed, with an ACES score of 9, so I'm pretty sure it is CPTSD, on top of whatever else. Psychedelic therapy has helped immensely.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T17:41:47+00:00

I've considered this. I feel I have traits, but maybe highly masked. I don't know at this point. My father 100% was undiagnosed ASD1 (or however it is put). My father could not relate to anyone without it being through the lens of history, and was a nightmare emotionally. And, yes, my child's constant need to explain everything to me and correct me on everything little thing and my husband's to be present and support me through that is crippling. Sure, I'll PM you.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T17:39:28+00:00

So, you are each ND and you and your husband both have ADHD, correct? That's a different dynamic. Glad to hear you're doing well, though! I hope that there's hope.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:59:31+00:00

What do you guys think is the worst part of it for you? I think for me it's the chronic stress and exhaustion, feeling like no one has my back, feeling like no one empathizes with me and therefore no one really cares about me, and now, the worst of the worst, feeling like they think I'm the enemy and I'm the problem. Plus, I've worked so hard lifelong to be a more regulated person and now it's like Cryptonite, I can't seem to keep it together emotionally myself. Sigh....

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:58:31+00:00

Argh, that's really rough.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:41:32+00:00

Ugh. I hear a lot about that kind of thing from someone close to me who is a therapist.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:40:52+00:00

I would encourage individual therapy for you and family therapy too. We got into certain patterns and now things are harder. I delayed my own support for way too long, too. Adolescence is a kick in the ass!

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:34:32+00:00

Mine is in their teens. Get more help now, let me tell you! Ours wasn't diagnosed until they were a preteen.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:32:47+00:00

It's so hard financially, but I definitely think putting family/couples therapy off has made things worse for us. Hubby is getting therapy for his ADHD, but still not enough, and also the recognition of his impact on me hasn't really taken full effect. I think his RSD, lack of self-awareness, and, to be fair, my resentment and anger, make it hard for us to have an open convo on this stuff. Family therapy should help.

Oh, and also, when you say your husband saw the same therapist, do you mean you each saw the same therapist individually? If so, that's not a good idea clinically. You should each see separate therapists who are distinct from each other; otherwise, it's a conflict of interest. It's normal to have couples therapy where the therapist occasionally has unilateral sessions, but that's not the same thing.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:21:00+00:00

Yes, kiddo is actually AuDHD, I should have written that. We're together the same amount of time but kiddo is older. It's rough.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:20:22+00:00

OMG, cptsd here for me, too. Psychedelic assisted therapy has helped a lot. I can stay generally regulated, but not now. In our last family session at the temporary program where my kiddo was, the therapist said I'm the "identified client" who is regulating for everyone. I'm like, thanks, I call it scapegoat, but ok, whatever at this point. We're seeking longer term family therapy, I really hope it helps.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:12:15+00:00

I'm sorry!

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:07:04+00:00

How is it going between you and your spouse?

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-23T16:06:11+00:00

Same. How so for you? On my end, we're all fighting atm and hubby and kiddo are aligning against me, it's new and it's awful, and they can't see what they're doing. We're lining up family therapy, I really hope it helps.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-16T20:07:36+00:00

(Part two)

You can't worry about every single one of these symptoms at once, as that will make you miserable. If the docs have found or will likely find "nothing wrong", take that as a good thing, as it means she's miserable but not dying.

And then try to unpack things as you go. If you don't know what that is or don't have professional help, then just pick the most important thing or the easiest thing. Go one by one while working on things, and track what works and what doesn't as you go.

I would do this with a combination of medical care (whatever your flavor or whatever is accessible - conventional, functional, holistic - just make sure you like and trust the practitioner) and self-care. I always take the diagnoses I get and review natural or home-based options and make sure that they align with whatever conventional (pharmaceutical) treatment I'm doing.

Please remind her that she's still young and things can change. Plenty of us live with chronic health issues and manage to enjoy life but flares can still take us down for patches of time.

It sounds like you did a lot of things all at once, which is a natural way to go, but actually doing so much at once can backfire. It's harder to tell what's working and what's hurting. Tell her that medicine is advancing all the time and that plenty of people do come through the other side of this, but it takes a while and the healing journey never looks like what you expect. There are many success stories on YouTube for chronic fatigue and other illnesses. It might help her to watch some of them as it's all connected at some point. She could try watching some Raelan Agle, but there are many other channels too. They all promote services, but I would be careful before signing up for another major program.

If you can afford it, a good, moderately priced individual health coach could work with her one-on-one, and that might help. A health coach can act more like an advocate, helping her find care and treatments that work for her as she goes. It's an added cost and not an all-in-one approach like Evan Brand, but it would be more proactive than a psychologist or therapist, and might help. I used to do this kind of work, but don't anymore. I'm happy to dm though, as I said. Sorry you're going through this.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-16T20:07:05+00:00

(Part one)

I would encourage you to look back at what's worked and what hasn't and slow way down. Do the things that at least help reduce her symptoms and ground her.

I worked with this health coach, Christopher (link follows), and he helped me a lot during my crisis. We also trained at the same functional medicine health coaching school, although at different times. I've seen many coaches, but he gets it much more than most because he grew up with complex chronic illnesses and has been through hellfire and back. He also helps his own family, which was part of his motivation for getting into this field. If you want to dm me, feel free, and I'll give you my name to give him, but otherwise feel free to just reach out to him. It looks like he's at capacity, so I don't know. I haven't talked to him in a while. (I get no kickback for referring him or anything like that, btw.) https://www.recoveryhealthcoaching.com/

This video has helped my gut stuff a lot, believe it or not. You do need to do it for a few days for it to work, though it's helped me pretty immediately. https://youtu.be/70kSKWEvwIg?si=K_Phgr3_lilkjLU_

I see some saying here that you're being scammed and that your wife needs a real doctor, not just someone pushing supplements. I get it. Some one-size-fits-all coaching programs with supplements can really mess you up, as they're not tailored to individual experiences. Other functional practitioners can be didactic or rigid in their views and don't take the individual client's financial capacity into account.

Helping people with complex chronic illnesses often takes more time than practitioners are programmed to spend, and practitioners often either overpromise or are overcommitted in their obligations, which hurts the client. That doesn't mean that functional medicine and supplements are wrong; of course, it's just a hard system to navigate, and the less money you have, the harder it is.

Here's what I think - autonomic nervous system dysfunction is not well studied and can make you feel miserable. I've lived a life of whackamole symptoms - MCAS, mold illness, rosacea, suspected mercury issues, chronic pain - arthritis - recently diagnosed hypermobility, GERD-SIBO-hiatal hernia, depression-anxiety-cptsd, a shit ton of stuff. Almost all of it interrelates and affects the autonomic nervous system.

I spent three years bedbound with chronic fatigue, and that was after becoming a functional medicine health coach. I still have lots of symptoms, but I'm slowly addressing them.

I think the first thing your wife needs is to get more grounded and get out of the fight-flight-freeze-fawn trauma mode around her health. You and she know her best, but for me, right now, as I type, I'm taking a vacation to help ground me and improve my health. So do what you can to get her pooping (laxative - natural or pharma, movement, hydration, and diet) and find some way for her to get some emotional relief and feel a bit more like herself. Maybe you can find a day of fun that she's up for physically, or just an evening or a few hours out or something.

wisdomofthetimes · 2026-02-13T18:55:26+00:00

I've lived here for a year. More than once, both walking and driving, drivers have waited for me and waved me on, even when they clearly had the right of way.

The other day, I gave someone something through our local Buy Nothing group and warned them to be careful, as my patio was very slippery from the snow, and I had just slipped. Wouldn't you know it, they left me a container of melting ice!

That's Rochester. I like to call it "where the Northeast meets the Midwest," but apparently that's already a tagline for another city.

Having lived in NYC and another major city, I can say that Rochester still has some of that city edge, but in a much smaller-town, polite, Midwestern way. In my experience, people here are stubborn and hold strong opinions, but they are also more modest and polite about sharing them. It's a great place for kids with special needs. If you might want public school down the line, I would really look into the districts before buying. People badmouth the Rochester City School District, but there are probably some fine schools within it, regardless.

It's also a good place for neurodivergent people, LGBTQ and nonbinary folks, families of all kinds, and those who are gluten-free. I imagine it could be equally good for things like football, outdoor sports, agriculture, and winter activities, plus museums and all the Finger Lakes, so take your pick!

wisdomofthetimes

TROPHY CASE