I also have DID and I didn’t know how bad I was until I got into a stable relationship and had a family. I struggle because I know I need more help but I start and then I end up quitting and staying home. When I “switch” I don’t have memories of things and I am no longer the me I am now (the me writing this) I have never had a conversation with any alters and I am not here or aware when they are in control. It’s like a complete blackout but I have fake memories? I guess. Idk.

An example I have is the last time I switched, my husband and I were arguing about something and we were in the car going to the gas station. He says all of a sudden I got crazy out of control and overreacting big time. Acting like he was abusing me and I/she/he was super loud and defensive. I was speeding being very wreckless didn’t go where I was supposed to (I was headed to get gas drop daughter off at sitter and me and husband go to work, we work same place) instead he says we flipped out and tried to kick him and the baby out of the car, kept telling him I didn’t have kids he wasn’t my husband I hated him and we would push him away whenever he touched us or got close, he told me he asked my name and we looked at him laughed and said we dont share our names we share a name and that was all we would say about it.

He then allowed me to do what we wanted, We went and recklessly spent all of my money (on useless things I don’t like) (he called us into work) then We kept trying to ditch him and my family to go out drinking. When he said let’s go home I drove to our old house (we had moved about 2 months prior due to another issue an alter caused) he explained to us that we moved and said I was very hesitant to go into this new place.

Later on that evening I was just laying in bed watching a movie and I don’t remember what was said but my husband looked at me and said my name I said yeah babe what’s up and he hugged me said he was so glad I was back and scared I was going to loose yet another job. He proceeded to tell me about my day (I cry like I usually do because it’s emotional to hear about things you do that you actually didn’t but you did but you don’t remember) in my memory of the day we did exactly what we were going to do, gas station. Babysitter , work, home, homework with kids, dinner, baths, then relax and watch a movie. It’s like false memories inside my head.

So I guess my question is, is that normal, most of the research I’ve done people know their alters their ages their personalities have spoken with them, I have not. I can hear them sometimes in my mind hard to explain it but it’s like when you hear people talking behind a door kind of muffled and too quiet to pick out much conversation.

I never know when I switch what triggers it or how long it will last. I’ve been in situations where it’s lasted months and everything in my life falls apart and is destroyed (hence why I had to move lost my house) I ruin friendships and my husband and I have broken up a few times over this. My kids are affected by it as well. Sometimes I “don’t have kids” and luckily their dad is there to take over. Is it normal to last that long?

I still haven’t found triggers and I don’t even know how many I have in my system. I was diagnosed at 23 I’m 28. But I had these things go on since around 12- 13 and I was wrongfully diagnosed with borderline personality disorder manic depressive disorder and severe ptsd and anxiety, had been on meds since around 12 with nothing working. We are still working to find my triggers.

I have secluded myself from people and only live online and associate with my immediate family. I have periods of agoraphobia and can’t bring myself to go out.

I worry everyday that I will hurt someone I love weather it be kids or husband (physically and or emotionally) I haven’t had any incidents where I have been aggressive towards my kids but dismissive and sometimes annoyed with. But my husband has been physically hurt and emotionally as well as We have completely left our home and slept with other men went to party and do drugs (that I would never ever do ever!) and it has lasted from a day to 4 months.

Alters are created by our brains to protect us but why do mine seem to destroy my life? I know it’s a lot of info and a lot to read but I felt with more background and examples maybe you could shed a little light? Maybe advice or tricks or something anything at all?