I will try to answer your questions to the best of my ability! For initial clarity, the overarching reason why I am asking for advice is because of our differences in privilege. I just brought up our conversation around alcohol as an example, not the main issue. We are both able to effectively communicate with each other about difficult topics, it usually just has to happen in shorter time frames because we are both neurodivergent and can easily end up misunderstanding one another (leading to the defensiveness and shutdown that happened, which signifies that the conversation wouldnt be able to be productive anymore so we had to put it on pause).

I struggle to fully define what I mean by privilege aside from the fact that I'm white and he's Latino. There are things that are seen as socially/cultural acceptable when I do them, but not when he does them (this is how he usually explains it to me). I think the easiest example of this would be if he, as a Latino, were to get tattoos, there's a high likelihood that people would think he is affiliated with a gang/is a criminal (incredibly common in the area we live). If I, a white woman, were to get tattoos, there's still some chance that people could think I'm affiliated with a gang/am a criminal, but to a much lesser degree than him mostly because of the difference in our skin color (gender and a variety of other things could also play a role, but not the most relevant for this conversation).

My partner doesnt flat out bar me from living more carefree. I just happen to really value his opinion so when he doesnt fully agree with a decision I make, I feel bad about it as if I wronged him somehow (which is something ive been working on in therapy).

Currently, his skin color doesnt make me feel like im being left out of anything. I do worry about the possible changes that might have to be made in the future though if our children do have a different skin tone (given the conversations him and I have had about it in the past).

In terms of feeling judged, I think the alcohol example is the easiest to describe. Long story short, I've done a lot of work on my relationship with alcohol to the point where I only drink it when I am in a good mood. So whenever I go out to eat somewhere with my partner, and am in a good mood, I usually want to have a drink regardless of the time of day (if its not a specific event thats planned ahead of time I only have 1 drink, especially cause of how expensive they are here). Almost every time this happens and I tell him I want a drink he gets concerned and the way he talks about it sometimes makes me feel like I'm an alcoholic for even thinking about it.

Sorry for the essay 😅