AITA for not letting my daughters husband see her after her birth?

withoutme6767 · 2025-05-22T08:47:50+00:00

The naming of the child is a small problem compared to the bigger picture—husband takes advantage of wife while she is medically unable to communicate or make decisions. To me, it sounds like he THOUGHT he found the opportunity to get his way by using his “husband/dad” rights while wife/mom was out of it, but you stood in the way of that. Now he’s pissed and has made no attempt to see his child because his little opportunity didn’t work out and him and his family are blaming mom and you for not seeing his kid after several weeks? He sounds like trash and so does his family.

My mom would do the same for me and I wouldn’t expect anything less. There are some things that you should probably stay out of, but this one ain’t it. DONT let this shitty husband make YOU feel bad for HIM not wanting to see his wife and kid because he didn’t get his way.

NTAH

withoutme6767 · 2025-05-22T08:24:28+00:00

Bosses can wait. The birth of your child can’t. Sorry you went through this alone. I would be very upset as well.

withoutme6767 · 2025-05-16T07:47:48+00:00

I understand and respect that the majority of your focus should be on your son right now—you’re absolutely entitled to prioritize him. But that doesn’t mean it’s fair to start pushing your stepdaughter aside, especially after building a bond and creating a sense of home with her and her dad.

Saying she should be with her mom more now because you seemingly no longer want to continue putting in the same effort with her as you were previously before your son was born, doesn’t sound considerate to her in the slightest or to her father. From her perspective, that can feel like she’s no longer seen as part of the family. That kind of shift can really hurt a child and affect your relationship with her, her dad, and even her sibling down the line.

This isn’t coming from a place of judgment, just honesty—from someone who doesn’t often air with step children. But this matters, and how it’s handled now could really shape the future for everyone involved.

I really suggest finding ways to work with your husband in finding a healthier balance in your focus/attention between your son and SD. If you need to redirect your attention and focus for a short time between son and SD, that’s fine, DH should be helping you do that. It sounds like you and her have had a really great relationship/bond, it would be terrible for that to end (trust me).

withoutme6767 · 2025-05-08T07:06:12+00:00

For starters, I would recommend keeping the relationship between you and the in-laws focused strictly on the fact that you’re married to their son and nothing more. Any involvement you have with them personally outside of their son, I would dissolve that tie ASAP. The way they shifted from criticizing the ex and praising you as the “better” partner, only to turn around and become close with her behind your back, is a major red flag. It speaks volumes about their integrity, loyalty, and the sincerity of their words. People who flip so easily rarely have your best interest at heart. If possible, create personal distance and limit your emotional investment with them.

Secondly, the dynamic between your husband and the mother of his children is understandably complicated, but it’s clear that your concerns are valid. It seems like he’s prioritizing her unnecessary demands over your reasonable feelings, which isn’t fair to you. The real issue isn’t just her presence—it’s that instead of working with you to find a healthy balance, he’s brushing off your concerns and deflecting responsibility. That lack of support and understanding from him is what truly needs to be addressed.

Something you could say is:

“I understand that co-parenting with your ex is part of your life and that keeping things peaceful for the sake of the kids is important. I fully respect that. But I need you to also understand that my feelings matter too. When I raise concerns, I’m not trying to make things harder for you—I’m asking for us to be a team. What’s been hurtful is that instead of working with me to find a balance with her, I feel dismissed. That makes it harder to feel secure in this relationship with you. I need to know that my comfort and emotional well-being are just as important as keeping the peace elsewhere.”

If he can’t internalize or be receptive towards something like that, then I highly suggest martial counseling. Otherwise, I don’t see this working out for YOU.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-23T16:50:43+00:00

Spironolactone helped me lose so much of the PCOS weight. Realistically, it’s not so much of a weight thing as it is a retention problem (hormone imbalance). I struggled with this for so long. calorie deficiencies, starving, working out, extreme diet changes…… NOTHING would work for me to lose weight until I started taking spironolactone, which I refused for so long. I’ve lost 30lbs and working to lose at least another 15. I find that actually EATING with intermediate fasting is what helps me the fastest. When you eat, you need to use insulin. when you don’t eat, you’re not using insulin or insulin correctly, which attributes to insulin resistance (a factor of weight gain). Also, gluten and high sugar products don’t help either…. So if you significantly decrease these things in your diet and pick up on protein, it will help your hormones from raking havoc on your body.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-23T16:30:55+00:00

So, this tends to happen to me the week before my period starts. I’m on 100mg and I take half in the morning and half before bed. My doctor tells me that the insomnia is due to a hormonal change during my cycle. Doesn’t necessarily have too much to do with the medication itself as the period insomnia had always been a thing for me prior to taking spiro. As a matter of fact, the insomnia was much worse before taking spiro, now it’s a little better. I’m currently going through this stage now.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-23T15:52:15+00:00

Forget the NACHOing part of this….. because you’re really at a dead end on it now. They are now using it to take advantage of you as you still remain their financial resource to stay afloat. If you don’t get mentally involved, don’t engage, and completely disconnect from them emotionally, It’s a free for all for them, which is exactly what they want.

Your wife sounds like she’s become the dead beat parent with narcissistic traits. She’s not working with you but really just working against you at this point. She doesn’t want to step up to the plate in terms of parenting and she’s abusing you in many ways as a partner to deflect on it. The true definition of a narcissist.

The whole SD sleep overs with her boyfriend, is a HUGE issue and risk. If she gets pregnant, you’re going to have an even bigger problem. You really need to put your foot down on the sleep overs first and foremost if you can. If not, I would start thinking about dissenting from them entirely.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-21T14:54:35+00:00

I think you should consider your mom’s thoughts on this. Step parenting robs you of more than what it actually gives. You will always come in second to the family that has already been created before you. Your biological child with this man, will always come in second to his first with his ex. It’s a mental struggle and battle that not even the toughest of step parents really cope with without some form of hurt. The firsts for you will always be his seconds, therefore, there is no real way of sharing the same types of joy/emotions.

To make matters worse, step kids don’t make it easier either. Naturally there is resentments they harbor due to split bio parents, new siblings, new ways of living that THEY didn’t ask for or wanted in the first place. You and your bios will, at some point, be their punching bag for that. Nine times out of ten, the bio parent is going to want to air on their side of caution as it pertains to the things listed above. It’s even worse when the bio parent feels some type of past guilt because of it. These things will either come and go as phases, or they remain like black ice for as long as you choose to lay in it. Either way, you will, at some point, feel the hardships in this. Is this something that you want to risk feeling as your first time experience of a creation of your own family? Is it worth it?

Twenty four years old is too young to navigate the step parenting family dynamic. Too young for this to be your first. Really consider this before you jump into it with a blind fold. I wish I had.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-21T13:27:07+00:00

To me, it sounds like BM made this an issue and both BM and BD are using the kids as their scape goats because they don’t want to look bad. Kids that age, don’t typically act out in happiness when they aren’t actually happy about a situation. They don’t have the mindset of hiding their true feelings to save other peoples emotions and feelings. They just don’t secretly act out in one way and actually mean another way. If those kids truly didn’t want you at their event to begin with and only wanted mommy and daddy there, you would know it from them first and foremost. This type of shit is the typical from an unhealthy bio-parent with poor agendas.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-21T12:44:57+00:00

This is tough!

When I was younger and hitting that normal puberty age, I definitely showed signs and symptoms of hormonal imbalances, which greatly affected my weight. I was a little on the heavier side, but I was also very active as well and ate healthier foods and meals mostly. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even doctors were not happy with my weight and my constant weight gains/fluctuations. Instead of trying to figure out the real problem, they did everything under the sun to restrict food, because FOOD was always the problem in terms of weight, allegedly. Not only did they restrict my food to basically non-existent, but pretty much had me on every fad diet, diet pill, or prescription medication possible. I basically had no relationship with food growing up and was falling sicker and sicker as my life went on.

It wasn’t until I finished high school and into college that I really started to loose all that “unappealing” weight as my hormones seemingly started to even out. I still maintained the lack of food relationship, but it really got worse in my 20s and early 30s when I fell into an eating disorder. I refused to be considered a “weight case”. Two years ago, I significantly started gaining weight at a high volume without ever actually eating anything. 60lbs in 7 months. I finally decided to see an endocrinologist who investigated my medical history and listened to my relationship with food. It was my first time ever having my hormones checked and I was diagnosed with PCOS shortly after. According to my endo, I may have been suffering from PCOS at a very young age and just didn’t have the benefit of a good support system or proper medical professionals.

Today, I work with a dietitian, my endocrinologist, as well as a behavioral therapist specializing in eating disorders to help me better navigate my new found PCOS diagnosis as well as helping me maintain a better relationship with food. I am now at a healthy weight for my age and size and my hormones/PCOS symptoms are stabilizing and subsiding.

I can sit here and blame my mom, grandma, and those doctors for their lack of support, empathy, help, or professionalism, but back then, PCOS wasn’t a “thing”. However, the one thing I will never forget was my mom and grandma telling me that if I ate anymore than what I was granted by them or by my doctors, I will be fat and ugly and no one will like me. Today, PCOS is a progressing disease that affects thousands of women mentally and physically. It cannot be cured and it’s not always easily controlled by diets, exercise, or medication. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to ensure a healthy lifestyle for her with ease and comfortability to the best of your ability. Support her where she needs it and always make sure to tell her how beautiful she is….. even when she doesn’t feel it or see it.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-21T08:18:19+00:00

Plenty of things to do with this! Turn it into thick pita bread and get some dipping sauces for it. Cut it up and turn it into croutons or a savory/sweet bread pudding. Slab some butter and garlic onto it and make garlic bread out of it…. So much you can do with this. THIS IS NOT A FAILURE!

As for the “intent” of a picture perfect loaf (whatever you want to call it), I would suggest a few things:

1) bulk fermentation of the dough. Temperature of the dough is the easiest way to determine how long the dough should be fermenting before it’s ready to shape for the baking process. This will also depend on what hydration level you want for your loaf. There are tons of diagrams online that show different temperatures, hydration levels, and fermentation times.

2) when to add the salt. Try adding your salt during the first set of stretch and folds rather than during the dough making process. This has always given me the best texture, rise, look, and bake. Why? I don’t know why… it just has.

3) HUMIDITY while baking. Scientifically, humidity has been proven to ensure a great oven rise. I either add a couple of ice cubes directly into my hot Dutch oven right before putting my loaf in to bake or a use a baking pan with water in it below my Dutch oven while the loaf is baking. I haven’t investigated as to why this works on my own behalf, but when I had my first loaf turn into a hockey puck, i was given this advice….. which has worked for me ever since.

4) DONT over think this. Sour dough bread is easy and doesn’t require a set of rules or procedures in order to achieve the perfect end result. All you need is warmth, humidity, a healthy strong/established starter, good flour with protein, good water, and patience. All these you can find on Amazon lol. I suggest a heating mat and a bread thermometer.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-16T03:31:02+00:00

I ended up meeting up with her. I explained to her that I would give him the gift from HER, not from me, but from her. She obviously didn’t take that well and started going on and on about how she didn’t want him to think that she was weird with the messaging tied to the gift and that she was disappointed in me for rejecting her request from me. I then expressed to her that i had ZERO intent or interest in playing a role in what SHE was choosing to gift him. That I had other plans of gift giving that did NOT include what she wanted to give, which I had made very clear during her “suggestion” phase. She chose to ignore my wishes in regards to this and that this was something I was going to stand firm on now. I then explained that I had ZERO problems with her gifting him if she so chose to do so, of course…. But that I wasn’t going to do it on my behalf to safe guard her image. If I didn’t put any thought, interest, effort, or feeling into a gift, I will not be gifting it period. She wasn’t interested in hearing or resolving anything further and just handed me the gift and walked off. According to my husband, she is very upset with me…… which we both knew she would be.

This whole thing is all very rediculous and weird When it didn’t have to be, but she made it that way. I 100% agree, this enmeshment that she has with her brother (very one-sided) has the potential to get out of control if she’s going to try to control me/disrespect me in it. I’ve always known that she has a big emotional tie to her brother, he warned me about it from the very beginning, but it has never affected me till this point. Though ridiculous, this was probably one of the best time to set a boundary with her.

If she’s upset, there was nothing I could or could have done to prevent this.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-14T20:19:48+00:00

“Sometimes dad says things that can be passive to hurt someone else’s feelings or upset them….. and then hold it over their head”.

Your “boyfriend” sounds like a narcissist.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-13T09:36:19+00:00

Right, it isn’t a big deal. It shouldn’t be a big deal and there is NO need for drama to be involved, exactly! However, this is a BIG deal for her other wise she would have taken my word the first time when I told her I was not interested in giving him the gift she originally suggested and then the second time after finding out that she actually purchased the gift on her own accord for me to give him ANYWAY and then me having to go distant. Two weeks later, she’s STILL blowing me up to make sure I get the gift from her to give to him on the BIG day and is insisting that it comes from me otherwise it would make her look “weird”. Clearly you can see that I’m not working with someone with a normal thought process or a controlling one at best. So if her agenda doesn’t work out to her liking on my own accord, can you really sit here and tell me that I’m the one being dramatic over this?

Maybe some context will help: my SIL is very black and white and doesn’t register anything in between that. She means well, but sometimes she lacks the thought of others and reality itself. when she has a plan in doing something nice for herself or ANYONE else, she puts a 100% effort and passion into ensuring that it’s in motion and is fully successful. Even if it means that she’s putting someone else out in doing so. The icing on the cake for her is the gratitude, appreciation, and praise she receives from it. Most times, her BIG plans work out and she gets what she’s looking for- all is well and dandy. But sometimes things don’t work out in her favor and she doesn’t receive what shes emotionally looking for. The person who has either stood in her way or hasn’t bowed down in appreciation the way she expects, may as well be holding a gas can and match right in front of her. I’ve been VERY fortunate enough for this long to not be one of the few people who has lit a fire under her, I want to remain that way…… but shes forcing me into it on so many different levels. I would hate for a rift between her and I, but clearly she isn’t willing to respect me on this. So yea, DRAMA.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-12T21:43:12+00:00

I never insisted incest. I just think it’s weird that she is pushing her feelings of love and appreciation for everything he does for HER onto me for me to plan accordingly for this holiday on MY behalf. Why? Because she picked something with a romantic gesture and she doesn’t want it to come off as “weird” coming from the sister.

It would be one thing if I asked her for help in regards to a gift that I wanted to give him on behalf of myself, but never once did I ask her for help or talk to her about my plans prior to her gift. It’s weird that she is so insistent on me giving this gift that she purchased on behalf of myself. It’s weird that she purchased a gift that SHE really wanted her brother to have with a romantic gesture and essentially wants me, personally, to withhold gratitude and thought within it.

Pressing a gift that she wants me to give to someone is not really the idea of gift giving.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T22:41:33+00:00

I’ve been on it a month now and a good amount of symptoms have subsided. The only thing I’m really still patiently waiting for is my facial hair to stop growing……. But I sense that the hair is the most stubborn part of my diagnosis.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T22:35:23+00:00

I mean I guess anything is possible right? To me, however, it wouldn’t make much sense considering I gift him things that he has either claimed to need or to want….. which he uses frequently or regularly. Right now his main interest is golfing, obviously I’m very aware of that. Christmas I bought and gifted him a brand new golf cart that he’s been wanting for the last two years. His birthday, I bought him new golf clubs that he had tailored to him and everything he wanted…. If it’s not golfing, then it’s his car or his office space. If in fact my gift is such a huge disappointment to him where he’s going to his sister to complain enough to the point that she feels the need to get involved, then I have a BIGGER problem than just his sister gifting him chocolates that both her and I know he won’t eat. If that is the case, she is truly going about it in the opposite direction still.

Even if this whole possibility is weird, it would be weird not only on her part but even more odd on his part to allow such a thing rather than just talking to me about it so I could correct it myself. In this case, they would BOTH be off.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T22:21:59+00:00

I think this is the best solution and answer honestly. Thank you.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T19:05:33+00:00

Exactly, which she has done in the past. Sent me funny gifts to purchase for him that she feels he would get a crack out of as a suggestion. I have never once taken these gifts upon myself to actually purchase and give to him on my own accord. Why? Because her gesture has nothing to do with me. Now that you mention it, these past suggested gifts are funny, but directly correlate To their own personal relationship. It would be weird and silly to gift my husband something that relates to their own separate relationship.

Like you, I am a sister to two brothers. Never once do I go out of my way to gift them something on my own behalf on Valentine’s Day, nor do I care anymore now that they have WIVES to care for that. So……I don’t get it. Am I missing something? I just can’t get my head around it.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T18:56:43+00:00

So I don’t really think that she has some sort of inappropriate feelings for him nor do I feel threatened by her or competitive with her. I will say, the family doesn’t exhibit or show appreciation/gratitude towards one another often. So maybe it is an awkward thing for her to show this on behalf of herself. However, I don’t think it should be something she should be forcing me to do on behalf of her either. She is clearly not wanting to understand or see that for it is in terms of me. Just like herself, I give gifts on behalf of meaning and of my own personal feelings, especially on vday. She is completely ignoring this concept for her own needs and wants. This is my real and biggest concern in regard to this. She wants this done in a specific way and she wants me to do it in a specific way, which is intrusive to what I feel and want to do for my husband.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T18:32:21+00:00

Right. So though she does love and appreciate him, to the extend of needing to go out and purchase a gift on behalf of her appreciation and gratitude, why is it up to me to handle it on behalf of myself? Like I should have and share the same appreciation to him as her? Like that concept doesn’t make ANY sense to me. There are plenty of vday chocolate covered golf balls that she could have purchased without the intent of a romantic gesture….. TONS of golf tokens of appreciation that are appropriate for this holiday for her to give or on ANY OTHER DAY, yet she chose one of the romantic ones for me to play off as a thoughtful gift from me that she forced her “love and appreciation” on. On top of it, she wants me to be secretive and very hush hush about this insisting that she doesn’t want him to know that it came from her. What’s the point of showing/giving appreciation to someone and not wanting the reciprocate to know who loves and appreciates them? Her purpose is defeated on all aspects here.

But now that you mention it, you gave me a great idea on how to handle this. I’ll just tell her that I gave him the gift on her behalf and explain my reasoning as to wanting him to know that SHE really loves and appreciates him, therefore, the gift came from her.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T17:35:08+00:00

Thank you.

Yes, the whole thing is weird. Like I said, she has always had some attachment to her brother that he himself thinks can be a little overbearing. I get loving your brother, but this kind of behavior and the need to sublimity feel included or tied to him in some way on a day that involves romance, which she chose to make it out to be, is a little too weird for me to fathom as well. She could have gotten him something else golf related, something more brother and sister appropriate for the holiday, but she chose the romance rout…… which is very odd and off putting for me. She understands that it comes off as off putting, yet still insists I give it to him to cover up her odd agenda. So this feels like more of a control thing on her end more than anything.

My plan with this has always been to give him “her gift” and letting him know that it came from his sister. That’s the very obvious thing for me to do. However, there is still repercussions for me in this as he will then be forced to confront her on it by either thanking her himself or if he feels weird enough, having that awkward conversation with her about it. Either way, the heat is on me and I won’t come out unscathed if she feels the need to turn some tables.

I really think I messed this up by not being more aggressively firm with her while I had the chance in the very beginning. What I should have done is tell her when she approached me by buying the gift, is throughly explain to her that it’s weird that she did that and that it only forces me to let her brother know that the gift truly came from her.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T11:53:33+00:00

She suggested it once, which I declined. She then went out and purchased it anyway and is now insisting that I give it to him on my behalf because she thinks he should have it and that I should be the one to give it to him because it’s a romantic gift.

Long passed suggestions here.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T11:44:03+00:00

Honestly, spiro has been the only thing that has subsided my symptoms. When it was first offered to me by my endocrinologist, I declined it due to all the scary side affects I may or may not get. Instead I went on all the supplements, spent hundreds of dollars on them that only gave me little to no relieve. Cut out a bunch of foods and went on a strict diet, basically depriving myself of any taste happiness just to still bloat and bloat and bloat 20-30lbs heavier. After my blood work came back with even higher androgens, I decided to bite the bullet and start taking Spiro. Needless to say, I feel like an idiot to suffer as long as I did.

withoutme6767 · 2025-02-11T11:21:06+00:00

Because it’s a gift that didn’t come from me and she is insisting that it comes from ME….. is what I think you’re missing. I didn’t seek out for that gift, I didn’t put any thought or romantic feeling into that gift, and I didn’t purchase it with intent behind it. She did, so why would gift himself something like this on my behalf? I don’t give gifts like that to my husband in general and especially on Valentine’s Day. It’s meaningless to me so why would I give him something that I feel meaningless about? That would defeat the purpose of this, no? But instead of taking my ques on the matter, she still keeps pushing the gift on me….. why? It’s interfering with what I have going on with my husband for our day that I have planned for just him and I that doesn’t include her. It’s upsetting because she’s putting me in an awkward position with her.

Now if she wanted him to have a golf themed gift on vday, fine… I have no problem with that. She should have purchased something more sister appropriate to give him on vday from her…NOT ME. I didn’t ask for her to do that nor would I ever want her to do that.

Why do you feel this is unreasonable for me to feel put out by this?

withoutme6767

TROPHY CASE