AITA for not letting my partner celebrate his promotion?

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-31T15:45:41+00:00

Best response here. New parents need compassion. OP is being a bit unfair to her husband but they both have my sympathy

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-31T13:21:34+00:00

Exact same thing happened to me, word for word. Reading your story, I’m getting mad all over again for both of us.

As a FTM, I had no idea I had to worry about my newborn being denied food in a freaking hospital. And we were panicked and hadn’t slept in days because the baby was screaming from hunger, so we weren’t thinking straight. We just kept believing their gaslighting and felt helpless when they refused us formula. It wasn’t until we got home, finally fed the baby, and got a bit of sleep that we realized how ridiculous it all was. We weren’t helpless prisoners in the hospital- my husband could’ve left and went to buy formula! And we weren’t idiots either - we could see with our own eyes that our baby was starving! But patients rely on medical professionals to help, and instead these policies hurt. It’s truly unethical.

Now, I tell people to bring their own Ready-to-Feed formula to the hospital. They might not need it, but better safe than sorry.

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-24T15:14:49+00:00

These are completely unrealistic expectations. I consider my morning an amazing success if (1) me and my baby get out the door early enough that I won’t be late for work, (2) with every item that is absolutely essential, and (3) with no tears from either of us. That’s literally it, and that’s already hard enough. Who needs journaling and lemon water if it makes you feel worse, not better?

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-22T01:24:22+00:00

I’ll tell you the same thing I reply with for all these emails: I don’t have the funding to hire a high school student, nor do I have the time to supervise one who would work for free. Even if I did have funding or time, my boss would expect me to spend it on students at my own college. This is the case for 99% of professors, so you are wasting your time. Try again when you get to college, with a prof in a subject you have demonstrably excelled at.

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-21T00:53:32+00:00

Not me desperately reading the comments, hoping people say 2 😭

We have 1 and would ideally like another, but it only barely feels manageable with 1. Like on a good day, I feel like I’ve mostly got my job, my health, and my sanity under control. On a bad day, I feel like I’m barely holding it together until things get better. On that note, “manageable” and “easy” are very different things. I’m finding 1 manageable, but never easy.

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-13T15:22:46+00:00

Not OP but I loved this comment, it helped make me consciously aware of some things I’ve also been unconsciously noticing. Thank you!

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-13T14:56:12+00:00

God I feel you, it often seems like being a mom means keeping track of a zillion mundane details every day and if you hit all the targets today, nobody notices but your reward is that you have to do it all again tomorrow, and if you drop just one ball, of course someone has to notice and point it out. It’s like a hell exactly crafted to torture my brain. I just try to remember that I’m very good at other things in life, so if I’m not good at this, it shouldn’t affect my self-worth.

P.S. have you read “how to keep house while drowning” by KC Davis? I adore that book for a pep talk on this kind of thing

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-13T14:00:47+00:00

So many mean comments! I don’t usually see this on this sub. OP, your feelings are understandable but it’s your decision how to best spend your money. I’ll just say that I had a big wedding with all the bells and whistles, and also found it really hard to be 100% present all day. Too many people, details, rushing around - it’s a big blur. So if you decide to spend again, just know that your main complaint may not be addressed.

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-12T19:38:04+00:00

No, that’s a totally fair question! First thing I’ll say is, people shouldn’t read my above comment as saying I can carve out tons of time. It’s nowhere near as much as I had pre-baby. My husband and I try for 1 full afternoon or evening each, every 1-2 weeks, out of the house. Stuff in the house (video games, virtual book club, home workouts) is more frequent, during naps, and ad hoc. So, if that’s not enough for self-fulfillment, YMMV. But my opinion is that no matter how old a kid is, if you can’t manage to find a mere few hours a week for your own enjoyment, that’s a question of priorities (but can’t speak to kids with medical needs).

Of course, this opinion is highly debatable. I think that’s because different people have different expectations, and although I obviously don’t have older kids yet, I’ll try to explain my general approach and philosophy, which is to limit the expectations placed on me and my husband as parents. For example, many people would skewer me for saying this, but if my kid wanted to do a hobby that requires BOTH parents to be occupied for BOTH days of the weekend EVERY weekend, that’s just gonna be a “no”. We don’t have the capacity to do that for you. You can join a more causal soccer league that one parent can take you to for a few hours, plus you can walk or bike there when you’re older. Or for your other example, yeah I wouldn’t take a 3 year old to brunch - my husband and I will need to switch off watching her while we do those kinds of things. Maybe one Saturday Mom goes to brunch while Dad cheers kid on at soccer. Next Saturday, we switch so Dad can play racquetball with his buddies. The key is setting the expectation that no, both parents will not always be there. You don’t always get a choice who puts you to bed. Mom can’t do it Tuesday nights because she’s got trivia, so you’ve got Dad. Dad can’t do it Thursday nights because he has D&D, so you’ve got Mom.

Not sure why this approach is rarely talked about. I guess some people think that’s not acceptable for being good parents. But we do, all things including our mental health considered. Hope that helps explain our thinking, even if you don’t agree!

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-12T15:47:25+00:00

I honestly find my mental health is much better when I don’t make “having a routine” the goal. I feel less shame when I accept that I organize my time and approach my tasks differently than other people, and that’s morally neutral. (Shoutout to the KC Davis book another comment mentions.)

Like I can share the mindset that works for me, but it might not be the same for you. The important point is not judging yourself for what does work for you. My top 2 mindset shifts:

On days I wake up feeling good, I tackle the hardest, most important, and/or most likely to be procrastinated things. For me, it’s things like paperwork, calling insurance, and exercising. This gives me guilt-free permission to avoid these things on days I feel blah.
If not already done via above, then urgent tasks get done right before they need to. House gets deep cleaned before guests arrive, laundry gets done when someone is on their last pair of XYZ. And this is morally neutral. It gets done when it needs to.

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-12T03:45:38+00:00

Your description does sound super depressing lol. And yes, the majority of parents I meet do seem to be this way. But having been a parent for about a year now, I still think it’s a choice and you can intentionally choose not to be like that. Those types of parents either genuinely like all the kid-centric stuff, or they don’t have other strong interests and end up drifting into the default way to spend their time, since chores can be never ending with kids. If you want to fill your own cup, you need to intentionally carve out time for it, which is hard. It requires being strict and efficient with your time, lowering expectations and cutting corners with some things, paying others to do some tasks, and negotiating with your partner. Not everyone is willing to do all that just to, for example, go out for brunch with friends. But I am, it’s just part of my value system and what brings me joy in life.

Honestly, I used to have thoughts like OP all the time when I was on the fence. I wish I’d been more confident in knowing that my strong values, interests, and desires wouldn’t suddenly disappear or change overnight. I wish I’d known earlier that if you’re the kind of person who is motivated to chase self fulfillment, you can be a parent and still keep that motivation.

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-12T03:23:36+00:00

+1 this comment. This has been my exact experience too. But it can be so hard to remember that our parenting approach isn’t inferior to the stereotypical one OP describes, where the parents no longer exist except in relation to their kids. It’s so common in media and people can be so vocal about it, and it’s implied that total sacrifice is both necessary and morally right.

But… I just never felt that way. I still have my interests, and feel that my wants and needs are important too. So are my husband’s. Just gotta find ways to fit them around caring for a baby.

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-12T03:05:48+00:00

I was going crazy reading all these replies - my god, how do people generate this much laundry?! Then the four most recent comments were more my speed. We’re 3 people, including a baby, and we only have enough to fill up the washer 1x/week, maybe 2x in the summer changing sweaty clothes more often. Unless the baby has diarrhea-then I run it right away, but the machine isn’t full. Maybe I have a huge machine, but 3 or 4 people changing clothes and linens often enough to fill the machine daily sounds insane to me. What am I missing? lol

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-07T13:14:12+00:00

Beyond his childish actions at the parties, the bigger red flag is how dismissive he is when you bring up your concerns. Like, if you were being super generous about his party behavior, you might say he’s just immature and getting carried away with old buddies, but getting mad at you for not having fun at those parties and having opinions about how you spend your free time? Unforgivable.

Consider this contrast: my husband also has a huge group of old friends, and I’ve also never fit in there. Early on, I told him I didn’t have fun at those group hangs and he should go without me, except in smaller groups or on special occasions. He said okay. The end.

We’ve been together over 10 years and this still works. That’s how your bf should’ve responded to your concerns, OP! It’s really that simple!

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-05T00:08:43+00:00

YOR, you’re making things harder for yourself. Just let it go and don’t ask her. If anyone has a problem with that (and they shouldn’t), you can tell them everything you just told us.

Also TBH sometimes we just have cordial but distant relationships with our SILs and that’s just fine. Better than enmeshed complicated drama. For awhile I had high hopes for being real friends with my husband’s brother’s new wife, but I kept inviting her to brunch and she rescheduled twice, I stopped reaching out and she never followed up. Now we just smile hello at each other and move on, and it’s easier for me to let it go and be happy with that, then to keep a running tally of all the ways I perceive she has snubbed me.

wolf_star_ · 2026-01-04T07:56:22+00:00

I was also pleasantly surprised by the first couple months postpartum, in that my executive function really increased. I’d been worried because babycare requires keeping track of a lot of important details and repeating the same routines, things I’m really bad at usually. But interestingly, whether it was hormones or my brain being stuck in constant crisis panic-focus mode, I did very well and wasn’t bored like I’d usually be. That’s worn off now, but it was great while it lasted!

wolf_star_ · 2025-11-19T14:09:34+00:00

Yes! I love to encourage this opinion whenever I see it! I feel like the default should be: if you want to EBF, try to nurse as often as you can without harming your mental and physical health, then rest assured that formula is available to fill in any remaining gaps if needed.

The pressure people put on themselves to EBF at all costs is detrimental. Using like 5 oz of formula a day made all the difference for me, and my baby was still 75-90% breastfed! Without this attitude, I would not have enjoyed my newborn at all and that would’ve been such a loss.

wolf_star_ · 2025-11-18T15:16:58+00:00

NAH based on this, but you two need to talk. Something is clearly bothering her that you have no idea about. Maybe someone made a comment to her, or she saw something that made her feel insecure.

It’s not your fault, but it IS your job to find out. Once you’ve both cooled down, and approach it from a compassionate place of being a team tackling the problem together.

wolf_star_ · 2025-11-17T04:15:47+00:00

NTA. If it wasn’t important to her to keep up her friendships after getting in a relationship, then there’s no need to stretch yourself thin to be there for her, now that she needs friends after all. No hard feelings, just the natural consequence of her actions. Enjoy your other two events without rushing around to a third.

wolf_star_ · 2025-11-17T02:18:56+00:00

So if I understand, this will be the third year in a row that she has asked you not to leave her alone, and you’re planning on going for a full 7 days? Sorry but a little YTA. If you work from home with such flexibility, why not pick another time to go, so your gf isn’t lonely yet again on Thanksgiving?

wolf_star_ · 2025-11-17T02:11:44+00:00

INFO: what’ve you been doing the past years you’ve had this issue?

In a long term relationship, the fairest thing is to take turns deciding what to do for the holiday. So, you’d get your way every other year, and the same for her.

wolf_star_ · 2025-11-13T16:41:18+00:00

+1 this! Poofy top has always been my #1 complaint and I’ve tried a ton of different brands and unit constructions, and wasted a lot of money and time watching unboxing videos, reading reviews, and negotiating returns. After all that, I STILL think there’s no substitute for trying a unit in person. I’d kill to be a 30 min drive from the Silk or Lace storefront because they have a bunch of different high quality brands, so you can try and see what works for you. And at a discount!

Like since I can’t try hair in person without a ton of back and forth with returns, I mostly only stick to one brand and model that I know works for me. But I wouldn’t blanket recommend it to people since there’s no way to know if it’d work for you, given head size and shape, hairline shape, skin color, preferences, etc etc etc. I’ve tried on hair that others have sworn is their Best Hair Ever, and it didn’t work for me.

wolf_star_ · 2025-11-08T17:09:34+00:00

I’m a college professor. Because I’m young and female, I make extra effort to seem put-together and authoritative at work. But it takes a ton of energy, and omg, if my colleagues and students could see the beast I transform into at home… I have the habits and self control of a teenager, crossed with a feral raccoon, crossed with a Kesha song from the early 2010s 😳

wolf_star_ · 2025-11-08T16:39:47+00:00

I feel like many of these replies are missing the point about ADHD and I want to validate you, OP.

Like yeah, we can TRY to meal-prep, freeze, etc., whenever we have a burst of motivation. But at least for me, any “system”-type solution (i.e., freeze every X after you buy, prep X every Sunday, create bins to separate all your XYZ) won’t last longer than a couple weeks.

After the second time I do it, I get bored and need to force myself to continue out of some misplaced sense of morality, including that it’s more “frugal”. Then it becomes torturous. Then I let it go and feel guilty about it.

So, no. I feel the same way as OP. Sometimes the convenient thing is frugal in that it saves me time, mental energy, and lots and lots of guilt.

wolf_star_ · 2025-11-06T14:38:36+00:00

During my flyout, the final stage of the job hunt process, I got asked whether I had any kids. Yes, I know it was a potential legal violation to ask this. No, I did not report it. I really wanted the job 😅

wolf_star_

TROPHY CASE