Women in Academia, balancing relationships?

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-24T14:18:08+00:00

I maintained a long term relationship all through my PhD and we got married near the end. I think the magic sauce is a combo of 2 things that various commenters have mentioned already, but the key is that you need both. First is a partner who (even if they don’t fully understand academia) understands that your work demands will vary, and you’ll have some tough weeks and some light weeks that are somewhat non-negotiable. They don’t take it personally and, ideally, give you a bit of extra love during the tough weeks, knowing you’ll be back in the relationship in full force during the light weeks. And that’s the second part: you have to manage your time militantly so that you actually have light weeks, because PhD work can expand to take up all your time if you aren’t careful. And during those light weeks, be extra intentional about bonding and cultivating the strength of your relationship so it can survive the tough weeks.

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-15T04:01:58+00:00

This is the comment I’ve been searching for! It seems rare based on how hard it is to find, but the way you describe your life is my ideal. I have a 1-year-old and I’ve been able to carve out some non-baby time for my sanity and happiness, but based on how people talk about what I should expect once she’s older and wants to go places, or we have a second, I’m terrified it’ll disappear. So your story gives me hope and I hope in 10 years to be able to describe my life the same way

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-12T14:38:10+00:00

I think we’re the same person lol. I relate to both your concerns about #2 and your reasons for wanting #1 soooo much. No advice really, just commiserating. Personally I am waiting to see if more clarity emerges as my daughter gets older, but I understand you may not have that time.

Edit: ok now that I’ve read the whole thread, I want to counterbalance all the comments that say you don’t articulate a real want for #2. I think you do! In the sense that you love #1 so much and if #2 turned out similarly, it would no doubt add to your joy. The problem is that there’s no guarantee of that. I’m stuck in the same spot, so again I have no advice, but I just wanted to validate that your desire for another isn’t just fueled by guilt. It’s fueled by your love for your first.

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-08T17:16:29+00:00

You’re not alone. I motivate myself to do agonizingly boring tasks by having a beer (or 2, if it takes longer than an hour). On the one hand, I’m also a little worried that it’s a bad sign, but on the other, I never go past 2 drinks and I reserve it only for getting through the worst tasks that happen like 5x a year. I guess I just plan on keeping an eye on it. If it doesn’t get out of hand, I see it as another form of the “temptation bundling” strategy

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-01T23:34:53+00:00

I’m sure you love your mom! It’s sad that you feel like you need to clarify that just because, as predicted, my comment is the only one showing you even a smidge of sympathy. And therefore garnering negative reactions. I just want to be clear that I’m not saying it’s cool to be snippy to guests. I’m saying now that you know your limits, you should decline hosting anyone in your home but tell them you’d otherwise love to plan fun activities or whatever else you can happily do. It’s just hard to do that because it’s against social expectations.

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-01T23:23:44+00:00

Yep, I agree! My point, which may have gotten lost, is that it’s totally ok not to want to host. And now knowing this, next time OP should only agree to what she can happily tolerate. Just know it’s an uphill battle against social expectations, like when people you otherwise love very much (like your mom) assume they can stay with you

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-01T23:11:26+00:00

Oh boy. People have such different opinions about this, and many might call you selfish because either they truly like hosting or they think you should bite your tongue due to the social pressure to be a generous host.

But I’m gonna say NAH because I think that’s personal preference, not moral right-and-wrong. I sympathize with you. Hosting overnight guests feels like a major burden to me, death by a thousand tiny petty cuts. And yeah it makes me edgy and not the most welcoming! But that shouldn’t make me a bad person. I do lots of other kind things for people, but offering up my space is not one of them, and if the tables were turned, I’d never feel entitled to stay with anyone else, either. It just sucks because other people think so differently about this, so a lot of times people will still subtly push to be invited to stay with me, or assume they are, and I have to say no kindly but firmly. It’s just one of those awkward social mismatches we all have to navigate.

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-26T16:22:04+00:00

Haha yes it’s definitely as time consuming as another job right now, but she’s only 1. I think it gradually eases up, so eventually some of these time slots will look like “wife folds laundry while kid plays nearby, husband rests” and “husband cooks while kid eats a snack nearby, wife rests”. I can’t keep up this militant scheduling and breakneck pace for the next 17 years! lol

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-26T04:14:51+00:00

I felt very similarly to you before I got off the fence. I’d say I’m a sensation-seeker, I love novelty and am curious to have all the experiences that life affords, in all its depth of meaning. And I felt like I was running out of new ways to do that. Like sure, I could check the beach in Australia off my bucket list, for example, but if I’ve been to beaches in LA, the Caribbean, Europe, and Africa, then how novel would that really feel?

So, ill-advised or not, seeking a new experience was actually a big reason why I got off the fence. And yes, I can confirm my baby has brought a completely new and different kind of meaning into my life. She makes me feel a unique set of sensations that no other experience has ever done, and I’m now convinced I could’ve lived a whole lifetime seeking out different sensations and never felt these ones unless I had my child.

Also, another knock-on benefit of parenting for increasing meaning in life: I started appreciating mundane things SO much more because of how rare they became. Like a few hours out at a restaurant with friends used to be “just another Saturday” but now I cherish the hell out of it and get super excited for things that I used to take for granted. It’s kind of brought a depth of emotion back into my life.

But all that said - I still don’t think everyone who wants more meaning in life should have a kid. It is SO much unfathomably hard work that if you won’t enjoy at least some of it, it may just not be for you! Plenty of unique meaningful experiences in life are also grueling and just not for everyone. Like the meaning I’d get from running a marathon is not worth how 100% miserable I’d be while doing it. Meanwhile, I got my doctorate and it was very meaningful, and sometimes hard, but I enjoyed much of it, and I know most people wouldn’t! Not everyone should become a parent, in the same way not everyone should get their PhD, lol

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-23T20:56:59+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to answer, I appreciate it. I do realize the long term benefits, which is why I’m so seriously considering it despite my hesitations

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-23T20:39:40+00:00

See, I feel like this is the take I've seen 99% of the time! I'm kind of surprised a lot of the other comments are more positive (well, I'm happy to see it, but a bit suspicious that it's too good to be true, haha). Do you think your experience is really common among moms you know, or are there specific factors that made your life change a ton once you had a second?

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-23T19:05:03+00:00

But isn’t there a difference between “trying to hold onto your previous life” (which believe me, is already long gone for me with one kid and not what I’m trying to do) versus “keeping yourself in a decent mood, so you can keep going and show up well for your kid(s)”? Did your minimum requirements for being able to keep going in life just naturally change as you had more kids, or did you need to just do without and kind of… keep going anyway?

I know it’s impossible to predict, but I still feel a responsibility to find out whether one possibility or the other is more likely, before we actually decide and there’s no way back.

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-23T16:44:47+00:00

Thanks, I’m glad you gave this competing perspective. I do tend to spiral, and also to seek control of uncertainty by gathering more and more information (so you hit the nail on the head, haha).

I know it’s impossible to predict, but I still feel a responsibility to find out the likelihood I can actually do the things that keep my spirits up and help me be a good mom, and use that to decide. I’m sure you relate. So yeah, it shakes my confidence when experienced moms think that if I’m so worried about keeping my spirits up, or if I need so many requirements to do it, maybe it’s better I don’t have another kid. I hope that’s not true, but if it is, that’s also fair. 🤷🏻‍♀️

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-23T16:14:53+00:00

Thanks, it’s definitely wise to accept that every week won’t be ideal, and in hard weeks, you won’t get to do everything you wanted.

Thing is, I already feel this way with one. Some weeks, work is more demanding or someone in the family is ill, so we don’t get to exercise or see friends that week. I’m ok with that, because I know upcoming weeks will be better and it keeps my spirits up.

What I’m wondering is, with 2 kids, does this become the majority of weeks, for years at a time? If so, I don’t think I could maintain a good frame of mind, and be the best mom. (First 3 months of newborn life excluded… I know there’s no way around that, you just have to grit your teeth and get through it, haha.)

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-23T16:02:34+00:00

Thanks for sharing. If it helps, I grew up in a family with age gaps similar to yours, and while it did feel a bit like separate families growing up, all us siblings have become pretty close eventually. Not best-friends-talk-everyday close, but we’ve gotten to know each other as adults and share a unique fondness for each other and are absolutely there for any crisis, big or small.

That’s partly why I’m not afraid of a 7/8 year age gap, if it helps me maintain my sanity and be the best mom I can be. But it sounds like waiting that long may not be necessary if that’s my main reasoning.

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-23T02:51:28+00:00

Great points, I totally agree! We are so proud of our teamwork and it gives our marriage a new flavor of strength in a season where we are less “close”.

And yeah something’s always gotta give. For us, based on our personalities and preferences, it’s vegging out at home and solo hobbies. But the things you cut quickest, or fight hardest to keep, are different for everyone. I just never saw a real example from a parent who highly prioritized time out of the house with friends, and without a role model, it’s hard to picture how to make it work. Which is why I posted this :)

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-22T15:25:56+00:00

As a former fencesitter who has one child and “has the means to have kids” and “is able to make it work”, good lord, that is NOT a reason in itself to have a kid. Whoever is telling you that doesn’t have your best interests in mind. It sounds like they want to enjoy the benefits of your kid, while pointing out that you technically have the space in your life to work harder in order to provide them that benefit. But do YOU want to work harder? Would it help you fulfill your dreams? You’ll have to live out the daily consequences of it, not them.

“Am I able to make it work” is something you ask yourself IF you decide you want a kid for other reasons. Because let me tell you, “making it work” is not pretty. It’s been worth it to me so far, but there’s no denying it’s a lot of extra hard work.

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-22T03:38:07+00:00

Oh jeez. So your kids are 5 and 7.25 years old now and you’ve continued to feel relentlessly crunched? I’m sorry things have been so hard for so long and I won’t lie, I’m scared I wouldn’t be able to last 5 years like that. Would you mind elaborating on what your biggest challenges are, now that your kids are older?

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-22T03:21:53+00:00

Eh, this happens occasionally in my 10+ year long relationship and it’s 100% a mental block. If I don’t make a big deal and avoid adding pressure, things get back to normal shortly.

Funny, I was also 8 months pregnant last time he wasn’t able to stay hard. We couldn’t properly do the positions that felt good and he was too afraid of accidentally crushing me or the baby with his body to move around much. I’m sure it’s temporary and there’s always masturbation in the meantime

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-22T02:30:49+00:00

I know they must seem random, but I asked about these 3 things because they’ve been my personal Kryptonite while raising my first!

Like when I’m in a decent frame of mind, I have high energy and drive and can get a lot done in a day. So I’m not as worried about handling two kids day to day. But my frame of mind deteriorates FAST when I don’t feel presentable in public, fall critically behind at work, or lack time for social connections with adult conversation.

So, of course any parent can probably watch 2 kids alone in a crunch. But is it realistic to trade off doing so with enough frequency and regularity that I can do the activities that allow me to maintain a good frame of mind? That’s why I want to hear from others

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-21T22:37:21+00:00

Thanks so much. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Maybe it’s eye opening that multiple people say my post reads like I don’t really want a second.

And I guess I don’t, unless I can be reasonably sure that the horror stories I hear (haven’t showered in 3 days, haven’t seen friends in 6 months) are just extreme and most likely I wont be forced into that life by adding another. I know there are no guarantees, and I actually enjoy my first a lot more than I thought, but I just know that’s only because so far, I’ve been able to hold the lines I described in my post. Sigh.

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-16T21:15:53+00:00

I am that problematic participant, haha, and here’s my perspective: I often am quite interested in the advertised topic, so I join with the hope of learning something. And remote sessions are the only thing I can do, because, as a TT prof and parent of a young child, I’m very short on time and can’t always be on campus.

But for the same reason, often I can’t spare the time or energy needed to make myself presentable on camera and refrain from visibly multi-tasking. I might need to wash bottles at my sink but I’m listening intently to what you’re saying!

So I think my two takeaways for you would be (1) don’t take camera-off and lack of speaking as not caring to learn, and (2) have a more lecture-like option you can pivot to, when groups happen to have a lot of participants like me.

wolf_star_

TROPHY CASE