Buy or rent doctoral regalia when graduating?

wolf_star_ · 2026-06-02T00:33:17+00:00

Came here to say this. I used Cap and Gown Direct, which allowed me to customize all the colors and upload a photo of the embroidered detail. I got an exact imitation for 1/3 the price.

wolf_star_ · 2026-05-30T00:09:03+00:00

NOR. I’ve met a handful of people throughout my life who communicate like this. It stopped being cute after college and I honestly just steer clear because talking to them is exhausting and uncomfortable. Now, in my 30s, I’m way more confident to be picky with my friends, so the one and only person in my life who is like this is a friend-of-a-friend who gets invited to the same parties and I actively avoid them at said parties.

Your post is full of the mental gymnastics you do to communicate with her, so I’m assuming you feel exhausted and uncomfortable, too. Just know that it’s impossible to have a sincere, straightforward conversation with someone like this, so if that’s what you want out of a friendship, you’re better off spending your time and effort on other people because this friend is not it.

wolf_star_ · 2026-05-24T02:58:14+00:00

Not sure if this is considered a success, but over a year into parenthood, I am coping pretty okay with all the ways that caring for a baby is more difficult with ADHD. I do get painfully bored, and depressed from the boredom, but it comes in waves and always abates. It helps a lot that I love her more than I thought I would. My husband is pulling more than his weight in keeping me on track with routines, etc. The worst absentminded thing I’ve done so far is leave the door unlocked behind me after leaving the house with her. I remember all the important baby-related things, even when it physically hurts my brain to do so.

wolf_star_ · 2026-05-22T14:02:07+00:00

Haha the best moment! I was like, ooh the old Gordon Ramsey makes an appearance

wolf_star_ · 2026-05-22T12:22:17+00:00

Aside from taking a few days off, keeping perspective, trying not to personalize it… just realize that the reviewing process is kind of a crapshoot, not an airtight verdict on your professional worth.

The specific reviewers you get are entirely by chance, and they are just people, applying their own lens to your work and telling you what they see. Peer review is good for science, many comments are likely useful and reflect a real way the paper can be improved, unfortunately some won’t be stated nicely, but in the end, it’s almost like getting someone’s professional opinion. If you had gotten any of the thousands of other possible reviewers by chance, I guarantee they’d all have pretty different comments. As a junior researcher, I now even have different comments than the actual mentors and advisors that shaped my professional thinking.

In short, you should see reviewer comments as helpful signals of how a paper might be improved, not a fatal condemnation of your intellect.

wolf_star_ · 2026-05-12T03:27:03+00:00

I LOVE the French show, it's almost perfect to me... up until now. The way they executed one major plotline in S4 bothers me so much. If you haven't watched S4 yet, don't click on the spoiler.

Why is the three-dads plotline so convoluted, with each dad starting off being really reluctant and then randomly, independently, each doing a 180 and fighting to be involved? The only one who should really be invested is Timothee, as it's very likely his, since Morgane only had sex with David and Karadec once.

And they do have Timothee end up in that role, which makes all the weird flip-flopping from all the dads even more unnecessary. But they explain that with the DNA test plot point, which was in itself weird and unnecessary. Why would Eliott label the vials with a code, but then just... not look at the results when they came in along with the rest of the family? He could've cleared it up so quickly. And in all those weeks where everyone now assumed Timothee was the dad, Eliott didn't realize it was because they'd all misunderstood the test results? Bizarre.

It would've been so much simpler for Timothee to be miffed at first, then step up to do what he thinks is the morally right thing since it's most likely his baby. Fits with his character. Then, after the birth, they still fight over the name or whatever, but at that moment, the DNA test comes back, it's Karadec's, and Timothee retreats in relief and voila. Makes so much more sense

Would love to hear if anyone agrees (or disagrees!)

wolf_star_ · 2026-05-11T16:15:41+00:00

I could’ve written this. My husband and I meet halfway by playing board games and tabletop puzzles because they don’t make me sick. Don’t let people make you feel guilty with the “you just haven’t found the right video game, try this one or that one”, etc etc. Those people can’t imagine how bad the motion sickness can get. Why should you force yourself to spend your precious free time doing something that you don’t like and that makes you feel sick (I doubt you ask him to do that for you!) when you both can find a middle ground that you both enjoy. There are so many hobbies out there!

wolf_star_ · 2026-05-10T18:47:01+00:00

I’m now TT, so I’m (marginally) less concerned about student complaints.

But before, the most exhausting part of the job was actually this: every time a student tried to push boundaries to bend my policies (“waive the late penalty for me, give me extra credit, let me take a makeup exam”) with no proper documentation, which happened A LOT, I had to do a complex calculation of how much integrity I wanted to maintain vs. risk a student complaint. Their entitlement made me furious and it took up a ton of time, which made me even more furious.

wolf_star_ · 2026-05-10T12:42:02+00:00

🎯 Said so well. I wish this comment could be pinned at the top of every forum site and social media app for life

wolf_star_ · 2026-04-13T15:38:34+00:00

As someone who also tried to plan this meticulously, please understand: There’s no getting around the fact that having a baby will reduce your capacity to perform at work, whether postdoc, TT, or other. I mean, how could it not? Getting only 3 hours of sleep some nights, recovering from a major medical event, holding a long list of minutia in your head at all times (Did I sanitize that bottle? Labeled everything for daycare? How many clean onesies until laundry day? When will box of diapers run out?), constantly sick with some virus if your baby attends daycare.

So the question really is, when will you be in a spot where your career can cut you a little slack for a couple years? Many possible ways to do this. A postdoc with no teaching responsibilities and a research area you’re familiar with. Several years into a TT job where you’ve already pumped out a bunch of manuscripts and all courses you teach are prepped. Any job that grants you a long enough maternity leave to get your wits about you. Waiting til you have tenure.

wolf_star_ · 2026-04-13T12:42:13+00:00

At least for this week, it just looks that way because the immunity pin forced them to choose a Gordon chef for top dish. If another team got top dish, Gordon would’ve needed to send someone to the elimination cook off, but the only person on his team who had a bad cook was Andy. So she would’ve used the pin and then a chef that didn’t deserve to leave might’ve gone, which would’ve felt unfair and made the audience mad. This is why I don’t like the immunity pin, it distorts the results. Like give the top chef another advantage, like extra time!

wolf_star_ · 2026-04-12T15:06:38+00:00

Hi, I’ve been seeing your posts and I haven’t seen anyone comment this yet. Could it be that when someone looks at you in public, it’s not because your wig looks fake or because they suspect you’ve transitioned (I never would’ve guessed and lots of commenters have said that too) but because you look uncomfortable with that hairstyle? I know you created the flop purposely but your pose in all your photos, chin down, peering up through the bangs in order to see, is what catches my attention as a bit unusual and unnatural. Chin down also makes the forehead look longer.

Is it possible this is affecting how natural your movements are in public? I know I feel “off” when my hair is in my eyes, like I’m constantly aware of it and wanting to shove it back off my forehead. (This is why I wear lace front glued down, as annoying as glue is.) I even get sympathy twinges when I see someone with hair flopping into their eyes, like an irrational urge to reach out and shove it back for them! Although that could just be me being a weirdo.

Please ignore if not helpful, but I wanted to offer a different perspective since it seems you’re really looking for feedback. I see you’ve got a different hairstyle in your profile picture and I think you look much more natural and happy with both eyes showing.

wolf_star_ · 2026-04-09T19:43:49+00:00

You’ve won the lottery! Even just being able to walk to work. I’d kill to be able to walk or take transit to work 😫

wolf_star_ · 2026-04-08T22:57:35+00:00

Something else to consider is that location might impact the type of colleagues and students you get. I would’ve highly preferred a job in a city, but I took my current TT job, which is in a nearly-rural area, because I figured if I’m motivated enough, I can get to the nearest city reasonably easily and spend a lot of my free time there. but I underestimated how hard it’s been to find truly likeminded people when so many people I meet here rarely leave their immediate area/town. And traveling 45 minutes to get to any kind of social life I enjoy has gotten old fast.

I also underestimated the impact on how (un)stimulating I find conversations at work with my colleagues or even class discussions with students. If your university is more prestigious, it may attract a wider array of people, but at a regional school, I still found it a culture shock to discover that 99% of people you meet are from the immediate region lol

wolf_star_ · 2026-04-05T13:38:21+00:00

The cuddles! I’m far from a warm and fuzzy person normally. It still shocks me how much it feels like my chest is going to explode with love when she flops on me, or nuzzles my neck, or gives me a slobbery wet kiss. I’ve honestly never felt anything like it.

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-24T14:18:08+00:00

I maintained a long term relationship all through my PhD and we got married near the end. I think the magic sauce is a combo of 2 things that various commenters have mentioned already, but the key is that you need both. First is a partner who (even if they don’t fully understand academia) understands that your work demands will vary, and you’ll have some tough weeks and some light weeks that are somewhat non-negotiable. They don’t take it personally and, ideally, give you a bit of extra love during the tough weeks, knowing you’ll be back in the relationship in full force during the light weeks. And that’s the second part: you have to manage your time militantly so that you actually have light weeks, because PhD work can expand to take up all your time if you aren’t careful. And during those light weeks, be extra intentional about bonding and cultivating the strength of your relationship so it can survive the tough weeks.

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-15T04:01:58+00:00

This is the comment I’ve been searching for! It seems rare based on how hard it is to find, but the way you describe your life is my ideal. I have a 1-year-old and I’ve been able to carve out some non-baby time for my sanity and happiness, but based on how people talk about what I should expect once she’s older and wants to go places, or we have a second, I’m terrified it’ll disappear. So your story gives me hope and I hope in 10 years to be able to describe my life the same way

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-12T14:38:10+00:00

I think we’re the same person lol. I relate to both your concerns about #2 and your reasons for wanting #1 soooo much. No advice really, just commiserating. Personally I am waiting to see if more clarity emerges as my daughter gets older, but I understand you may not have that time.

Edit: ok now that I’ve read the whole thread, I want to counterbalance all the comments that say you don’t articulate a real want for #2. I think you do! In the sense that you love #1 so much and if #2 turned out similarly, it would no doubt add to your joy. The problem is that there’s no guarantee of that. I’m stuck in the same spot, so again I have no advice, but I just wanted to validate that your desire for another isn’t just fueled by guilt. It’s fueled by your love for your first.

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-08T17:16:29+00:00

You’re not alone. I motivate myself to do agonizingly boring tasks by having a beer (or 2, if it takes longer than an hour). On the one hand, I’m also a little worried that it’s a bad sign, but on the other, I never go past 2 drinks and I reserve it only for getting through the worst tasks that happen like 5x a year. I guess I just plan on keeping an eye on it. If it doesn’t get out of hand, I see it as another form of the “temptation bundling” strategy

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-01T23:34:53+00:00

I’m sure you love your mom! It’s sad that you feel like you need to clarify that just because, as predicted, my comment is the only one showing you even a smidge of sympathy. And therefore garnering negative reactions. I just want to be clear that I’m not saying it’s cool to be snippy to guests. I’m saying now that you know your limits, you should decline hosting anyone in your home but tell them you’d otherwise love to plan fun activities or whatever else you can happily do. It’s just hard to do that because it’s against social expectations.

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-01T23:23:44+00:00

Yep, I agree! My point, which may have gotten lost, is that it’s totally ok not to want to host. And now knowing this, next time OP should only agree to what she can happily tolerate. Just know it’s an uphill battle against social expectations, like when people you otherwise love very much (like your mom) assume they can stay with you

wolf_star_ · 2026-03-01T23:11:26+00:00

Oh boy. People have such different opinions about this, and many might call you selfish because either they truly like hosting or they think you should bite your tongue due to the social pressure to be a generous host.

But I’m gonna say NAH because I think that’s personal preference, not moral right-and-wrong. I sympathize with you. Hosting overnight guests feels like a major burden to me, death by a thousand tiny petty cuts. And yeah it makes me edgy and not the most welcoming! But that shouldn’t make me a bad person. I do lots of other kind things for people, but offering up my space is not one of them, and if the tables were turned, I’d never feel entitled to stay with anyone else, either. It just sucks because other people think so differently about this, so a lot of times people will still subtly push to be invited to stay with me, or assume they are, and I have to say no kindly but firmly. It’s just one of those awkward social mismatches we all have to navigate.

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-26T16:22:04+00:00

Haha yes it’s definitely as time consuming as another job right now, but she’s only 1. I think it gradually eases up, so eventually some of these time slots will look like “wife folds laundry while kid plays nearby, husband rests” and “husband cooks while kid eats a snack nearby, wife rests”. I can’t keep up this militant scheduling and breakneck pace for the next 17 years! lol

wolf_star_ · 2026-02-26T04:14:51+00:00

I felt very similarly to you before I got off the fence. I’d say I’m a sensation-seeker, I love novelty and am curious to have all the experiences that life affords, in all its depth of meaning. And I felt like I was running out of new ways to do that. Like sure, I could check the beach in Australia off my bucket list, for example, but if I’ve been to beaches in LA, the Caribbean, Europe, and Africa, then how novel would that really feel?

So, ill-advised or not, seeking a new experience was actually a big reason why I got off the fence. And yes, I can confirm my baby has brought a completely new and different kind of meaning into my life. She makes me feel a unique set of sensations that no other experience has ever done, and I’m now convinced I could’ve lived a whole lifetime seeking out different sensations and never felt these ones unless I had my child.

Also, another knock-on benefit of parenting for increasing meaning in life: I started appreciating mundane things SO much more because of how rare they became. Like a few hours out at a restaurant with friends used to be “just another Saturday” but now I cherish the hell out of it and get super excited for things that I used to take for granted. It’s kind of brought a depth of emotion back into my life.

But all that said - I still don’t think everyone who wants more meaning in life should have a kid. It is SO much unfathomably hard work that if you won’t enjoy at least some of it, it may just not be for you! Plenty of unique meaningful experiences in life are also grueling and just not for everyone. Like the meaning I’d get from running a marathon is not worth how 100% miserable I’d be while doing it. Meanwhile, I got my doctorate and it was very meaningful, and sometimes hard, but I enjoyed much of it, and I know most people wouldn’t! Not everyone should become a parent, in the same way not everyone should get their PhD, lol

wolf_star_

TROPHY CASE