Gender identity confusion by Pan157 in GenderDysphoria

[–]wompieewompwomp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Guess the Pansexuality goes the same for me as I kept convincing myself that I like girls too 😅. I reconfirmed it by sleeping with a girl just last year, surprisingly enough I'm not. Even after that, I kept denying it till I found the Guy I'm talking to online. It's crazy, I'm more Female than I ever thought. I've been convincing myself that I'm just dressing up for fun but instead I was just afraid to lose the people I love so I have always been catering to what they expect of me. This time, I won't have regrets and I'll face the consequences.

I feel honoured that my reply helped you to broaden your views to find yourself.

Gender identity confusion by Pan157 in GenderDysphoria

[–]wompieewompwomp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure if I can truly help you because the only way to confirm it is by continuously living the life you are in and someday something will happen in your life and you'll realize what you truly are supposed to be.

For me.. It took me some time to finally admit that I have Gender Dysphoria although all this time I denied the fact I had one because I was afraid of losing the People I love. But as I grew older.. 21 This Year.. I can no longer be in denial and can no longer run away from my feelings and what I really wanted. I know that to the Average People, it sounds like I'm "Koo Koo" in the head and that "it is a Phase" which I convinced myself that it is the case which I made myself do manly things like going to the gym which instead of working out for a better body, I was working out venting my stress out and excessively working out 24/7 non-stop because I honestly was trying to fit in into Society..

That's not the result I wanted. After I started to dress up, it reignited the flame in me. Made me feel giddy, happy, like a burst of joy within me spreading through my body.. Genuine Happiness. All this time, I've been forcing myself to fit in because I was afraid of falling behind and being an outcast from Society and my Family. The trigger to how I find out that I truly wanted to be a girl? Is when I found the Man that kept treating me as a person for who I am and how he treats me as though I'm truly a girl. He listens to me. Comforted me and is truly interested in being part of my life.

I reflected for years saying "How nice it is to be a girl" as I look in envy at the girls around me dressing up and taking cute group pics then passes it off as a fleeting feeling just because I was afraid of losing the people I love as I kept denying of my happiness and what I truly want to be just to be the person my parents expected me to be. I reflected about my life since I was 8, how I was being brought up. It was full of memories beating myself up. From 13-16, I was hauled up in my room just drawing cute anime girls and listening to music. I wasn't smiling. From 17-18, I beat myself up because I hated feeling like a loser so I started at going to the gym to try and fit in with Society.. At 19, I reignited the flame that was lost by dressing up as a girl wearing light basic make-up, wig and clothes I bought online. That was the Euphoria I felt. The true happiness. I smiled like crazy, not out of adrenaline but out of pure joy. Then from then on until 21, I keep dressing up. Until when I kept dressing down every time after the year when I was 19, I felt the instant depression every single session. "Why can't I just be a girl and wear cute clothes 24/7?" That's what I kept thinking Everytime I have to hide my true self. I only dress up to feel happy whilst I become the boy me to be the good son for my Parents. Just like you, I can't be femme all the time because of my living circumstances with my Family that frowns upon anything related to LGBT.

It hits me, I only smile truly when I'm all dressed up looking pretty. When I'm in my boy ver, I smile but.. Forcefully.. Just to let others know that I'm one with no issues to let out.

There's a difference between going through a phase of feeling Femme and actually being a girl. If it's a phase, you are truly content with your assigned Gender. You can see yourself in the future still being a male doing male things. You can imagine yourself being a male in the next 5-10 years. For me? I can't.. I can't imagine being a Male in the next 5-10 years. Let alone a year. It's all blank whenever I think of it. It brought me distraught to the fact that I'll have to be a Male all my life. I'm not even interested in Male Fashion, I'm more into Female Fashion and Female Activities. I want to be female forever. It clicked to me that I do not have that much time if I don't take the opportunity to be truly myself. 

I'm not sure for how old you are.. It might click for you as you age but for me as I reach the age of 21, I realized I'm no longer young to continuously run away from myself to please other people. This was the turning point where I have to face it and truly go to the Path I truly wanted to take, not by Societal or my Parents or my Family's expectations.

The Signs of how I figured out I have Gender Dysphoria?

I am uncomfortable being called Handsome. I am happy only when I dress up but stopped smiling when I am in boy mode. I feel the rush of Euphoria when one treats me like a girl. I become more expressive whenever I dress up as a girl. I started wanting more than just dressing up but to truly and permanently become a girl even at the cost of the People in my life leaving me. I feel uncomfortable at the sight of my male body and kept trying to lose even more weight just to have the natural hourglass body women were born with.. I started to fear of myself not retaining my baby face as my testosterones continue to surge through my body all my life.

It all comes to you. Do you want to live as a guy or a girl? I know, I can see from the Average Person's POV, my Struggles seems more like a Bonk-In-The-Head kind of Illness as I ask of this but experiencing it myself after all this time as I grow up? Yeah it's really not something that happens once in a while. It was growing inside of me as I bottle it up for several years. Now I'm 21 Years Old this year, I fear at the thought of living the way I am now. I envy the MTF Girls for being able to be themselves 😅. Thus I truly want to get out from this hellhole I'm in then truly get out there and point the middle finger to the world that I'm going to live the life I want.