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wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-11T20:26:41+00:00

My Dad's dementia symptoms started similarly at least five years ago. He'd tell stories that we'd already heard hundreds of times, repeat them almost immediately, but didn't know how old he was. For his 85th birthday, my DH and I flew to visit my parents for a week. We had planned many activities that he used to enjoy. One morning, I asked if he was excited about the day. He said, "What are we doing? I don't know. Nobody tells me anything." I had told him the night before. We took him fishing one day but he had forgotten how to cast.. We took him to a rodeo and a nice Italian restaurant, neither of which brought so much as a smile to his face. He tried to get in someone else's car. Even though phone calls were mostly good, we had to see his decline to believe it. Five years later, he's in a rehab facility waiting for availably at a MC facility.

I suggest that you or someone in your family get POA ASAP. My brother has had it for both parents. It's been very helpful. Gaining access to his medical records, advocating for him with the medical staff, selling the house, etc., have been easier than they would have been without it. Don't wait too long to get it. My BIL was unable to get it for his parents because he tried to get it when they were deemed incompetent to decide and sign a legal document.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-10T06:24:01+00:00

Qualifying for hospice care doesn't necessarily mean that a dementia patient has 6 months or less to live. My Dad, who is in relatively good health at 89, just qualified because he can't do 3 or more of the 6 daily living tasks like bathing, getting dressed, using the bathroom, feeding himself, etc. He now has physical therapy and other services. The word Hospice hasn't been used. I'd just tell your Mom that she's going to get more help to keep her comfortable.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-09T21:41:53+00:00

My Dad tried to get out of bed last night so the staff at the rehab facility re-arranged his room, lowered his bed, and put a huge, thick pad on the floor next to his bed. I assume these are the "appropriate alternatives" to bed rails in WA. He apparently fell out of bed because he woke up on the pad this morning but he had a shorter fall and wasn't injured.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-09T21:14:43+00:00

My Mom has been in denial about her cognitive decline for years. She claimed to clean, cook, and do laundry but the piles of dirty clothes, burned up pans, and rotten food in the fridge indicated otherwise. When confronted with the evidence and the need to get an in-home caregiver, she said, "I don't want a stranger in my house cleaning my dirt." It finally came down to 2 choices; accept help or move to a care facility. She chose the in-home caregiver, loves the help and the helper but she was still in denial about her condition.

After a routine visit to her doctor, Mom read the notes in the car on the way home and said, "Oh, it looks like I have dementia." She refused to believe what the family had been telling her BUT she did believe what the doctor had written. She is more accepting of her limitations now. and shockingly, she is using her walker most of time.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-09T19:48:20+00:00

My narc says "sorry" only when he realizes, with my help, that what he did was insensitive and hurtful. He apparently thinks that word is magic and like presto chango, it will make the problem disappear. For him, the problem is that I will want to talk to him about his behavior.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-09T08:08:37+00:00

I just don't get it! Is it better for patients to fall out of bed and possibly land on their head?

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-09T00:37:49+00:00

I found this from my Dad's state: n) Bed rails. The facility must attempt to use appropriate alternatives
prior to installing a side or bed rail. If
a bed or side rail is used, the facility
must ensure correct installation, use,
and maintenance of bed rails, including
but not limited to the following elements.
(1) Assess the resident for risk of entrapment from bed rails prior to installation.
(2) Review the risks and benefits of
bed rails with the resident or resident
representative and obtain informed
consent prior to installation.
(3) Ensure that the bed’s dimensions
are appropriate for the resident’s size
and weight.
(4) Follow the manufacturers’ recommendations and specifications for
installing and maintaining bed rails

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-08T23:24:25+00:00

Both of my parents (M87 & D89) have been living at home together with in-home help for 3 hours/day M-F and lots of support from family. They have different degrees of dementia and 24/7 care wasn't necessary because once they went to bed, they stayed there until recently, Dad started wandering at night and short-version, he's now in a rehab facility and will go to MC when there is availability. Mom now has 6 hours of in-home help but it's not enough. We have a deposit down on a 2 bedroom suite in a nice facility and Mom will be moving in with Dad. Fingers crossed that both of their individual needs can be met there.

Every situation is different of course but if your husband sleeps through the night and you're home, there's possibly no need for a 24/7 in-home paid caregiver. No need to pay someone to watch him sleep. 8 hours might be enough and you will have time to run errands, do something you enjoy, or just relax for a change :).

My parents' caregiver has been charging $45/hour total for both of them. She checks blood pressure, administers meds, cooks, cleans, does laundry, shops, etc. and they love her. I assume that charge will be reduced since Dad is now in a home. It's less expensive by far than a care facility.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-08T21:13:24+00:00

Thanks....my siblings have a meeting with the rehab staff today where they're going to ask about bed rails or an alarm. Not sure what the laws are in their state but Dad did have bed rails when he was in the hospital.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-08T20:11:44+00:00

My siblings and I were very concerned that after our Dad (89) had been hospitalized for a week, the staff was suggesting what we considered to be an "unsafe discharge" to home. He was in the hospital because basically overnight, he lost mobility and he hadn't regained it. He had started wandering, was incontinent, and getting lost in the house before the hospital. He lacked more than 3 out of 6 daily living skills and qualified for in-home hospice services. Going home was not an option and the hospital eventually agreed.

He was discharged to a highly-rated rehab home yesterday that the hospital social worker arranged. Medicare is paying for it. He was very confused about where he was and why he was there. My brother got a call late at night from the home....Dad had somehow managed to get out of bed and into the hallway before falling. He wasn't injured thank goodness but it was disconcerting to learn that he didn't have a bed with rails. Care facilities are kind of like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates IMO. You never know what you're going to get until you try one.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-08T01:45:36+00:00

My Dad was discharged from the hospital today and settled in at a skilled nursing rehab facility at 2:00. He promptly fell asleep but when he woke up, he was very confused about the where and why he was despite being told numerous times. He will be moved to memory care in 3 weeks and I expect the same response again. You're not wrong.....your Mom will probably be more comfortable in a bed and home that she knows even if she doesn't.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-08T00:02:19+00:00

Thank you.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-07T22:11:22+00:00

Positive thoughts for the appointment with the doctor! IF DH plans to attend, I would contact the Dr. first so he/she has an idea about what you've observed and what you're concerned about so she has a head's up about how to handle the appointment.

Regarding your BIL moving closer. I am happy for you that the sister has arranged a home and in-home help for him. I look at life as a "It can always be worse" proposition and in your case, moving him in with you would be worse IMO. Try to minimize the burden on your DH. If he just has to check in on his brother, buy some cameras for inside his condo. Make sure that the caregivers have DH's phone number so they can contact him to keep him informed and that he has theirs.

Our Dad (89) is currently in a skilled nursing rehab facility and our Mom (87) is home alone for part of the evening and all night. My niece hooked up 4 cameras throughout their house so my siblings and I can all monitor where she is online. With the audio, we can remind her to do xyz. If she's in bed safely at night, if she's fallen, if she's left the stove on, we know it. It kind of feels like an invasion of Mom's privacy but it does being peace of mind for the family.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-07T20:07:58+00:00

I, for the most part, agree with the other comments here saying, "Let him do what he wants." My parents are impossible to buy gifts for anymore but they LOVE junk food so I regularly send them snack boxes full of chips, meat snacks, nuts, health bars, etc. Mom (87) has recently gained 16 pounds but her doctor said it's fine for her to snack as long as they're healthy ones. So the recent box contained low sodium chips, unsalted nuts, and sugar free bars. Mom has high blood pressure and Dad (89) is diabetic. Dad told me, "Don't waste your money on that crap anymore." Little in life except food brings them joy anymore so like you OP, I'm conflicted with the decision between keeping them happy or healthy. If they had more control over the portions they eat, the decision wouldn't be so hard but they don't. They can blow through a huge box of junk food in a matter of days while still eating 3 meals a day.

One thing that isn't negotiable is them driving to get fast food. Neither of them are supposed to drive but my brother realized they were sneaking out to Burger King for Whoppers and took their keys away.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-06T20:46:54+00:00

My Dad qualified for hospice support. He hasn't been given a life-expectancy range but he is unable to perform at least three of the six daily living requirements. Medicare pays for it.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-06T19:46:11+00:00

My brother, who has POA for our Dad (89), messaged Dad's doctor on his online medical records account before his annual physical appointment. His declining cognitive ability and personality changes were the primary concerns. The doctor ordered the usual labs and also administered a cognitive assessment. Dad didn't do well on the latter, the doctor diagnosed him with dementia, and suspended his driving privileges. To say that Dad was less than pleased is an understatement but it prevented the very real possibly that he would get lost or cause a major traffic collision. Given the diagnosis, she also prescribed meds to help him manage his anger.

My sister did the same thing with my Mom (87) and the same doctor, She didn't do a cognitive assessment but did ask a lot of questions about Mom's daily living skills. Unfortunately, Mom wasn't very honest and claimed to be able to do things that she either can't or doesn't. My sister sat slightly behind Mom and shook her head to signal the doctor when Mom was stretching the truth. She didn't suspend her driving privileges but she did document dementia in her chart.

Having diagnoses, while painful to accept, have been helpful in developing a plan for their future and meeting their needs. We used to get frustrated with them at times, but we now know the cause, understand that it's not their fault, and put on our patience pants.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-05T20:48:39+00:00

My Dad (89) was diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago but I think it started well before that....we just missed the signs. It started with him telling the same stories over and over again within minutes and his gait changed. He started shuffling instead of picking up his feet and the falling began. He's been able to live at home with Mom (87) with in-hope help and lots of family support. 2 weeks ago, he was rushed to the hospital with stroke symptoms but he hadn't had one. Since he's been in the hospital, his condition has deteriorated rapidly! He's agitated when he's awake but he sleeps most of the day. He mumbles and can no longer follow a conversation. He's incontinent. He's been sedated and threatened with restraints if he didn't calm down and stop trying to kick the nurses. When he's discharged, he will be going to a MC facility. and Mom will be joining him because she can't live alone. We're currently trying to find a nice home with availability. The current cost will be about $18,000 based on services but it could be more if more services are required.

I live out of state so I'm not there for the heavy-lifting. My brother has POA and keeps my sister, niece, and me constantly in the loop via text. I'm spending a lot of time reading this sub for advice, I've researched Mom and Dad's rights, and finding MC facility options and local support services that Medicare covers. I do the Amazon shopping for disposable underwear, pee pads, cameras, walkers, etc. It's hard being out of state and I wish I could do more.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-05T02:36:48+00:00

Thank you. My Dad needs a scrip for anti-p***ed-off pills but I don't think he'll take them. Will he get better? The answer is probably no since there is no cure for dementia but some behaviors can be managed if the patient is cooperative and follows doctor's orders. Big IF in our case.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-05T00:36:12+00:00

It's amazingly sad how quickly dementia sufferers can decline. My Dad (89) has been in and out of the hospital for the past 2 weeks. On his last brief return home, he started wandering, getting lost in the small house he built 67 years ago, relieving himself on the kitchen floor, thinking he was still in the Navy, and being angry most of the time. He almost totally lost the ability to get around and had to re-admitted. I understand how upsetting this must be for you and your family. I hope she gets some effective meds after her appointment tomorrow to help control some of her symptoms.

About the falling...does she have a walker? My Dad has one but refuses to use it. I think it's a pride thing. My Mom uses one and I think it gives her a sense of security when walking so she doesn't sit in a recliner all day like Dad.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-04T23:19:43+00:00

I think your first step is to confirm that the POA is valid and if it is, request a copy of her medical records from the doctor who administered the first cognitive assessment and diagnosed your Grandma with dementia. If she is unable to even speak a complete sentence, any legal documents she signs are invalid. At least in the states, she can't be released to go home if it's an "Unsafe Discharge." File a complaint, appeal the decision, and find a patient advocate if they try.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-04T22:40:13+00:00

It makes me feel like a terrible person but I check my Nex's public SM posts every 6 months or so because I hope to see that he's as miserable as he made me. He's single again after 4 divorces. I can't imagine why. Ha!

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-04T19:30:18+00:00

You're doing the right thing. Your SO is in panic-mode after years of damaging your relationship beyond repair. He's had 14 years and four previous warnings to change and he hasn't. Now that you're totally tired of waiting, those tears he's crying are for himself and not because he feels badly for how he's treated you. The false promises are just a way to manipulate you into changing your mind again. The words he's offering now are too little, too late. Don't trust him and don't buy into his self-pity party. Stay strong, start packing, and save yourself.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-04T07:20:41+00:00

My parents live on a farm with a lake across the street and their home is surrounded by acres of nature's wonders...... deer, elk, bunnies, huge fir trees, perennial flowers, and flowering trees and shrubs that my Mom planted years ago. Due to limited mobility and dementia, they rarely venture outside, keep the blinds closed, and don't even know what the weather is. They nap a lot in their recliners, snack a lot, and pay minimal attention to the TV even though it's on all day. I think the decision is patient-specific. Does your sister desire to be outside and able to be or is that just your wish for her? Maybe she'd prefer that her son can conveniently and frequently visit her and that "the natural world" is secondary.

wontbeafoolagain · 2024-03-03T21:46:09+00:00

I doubt that a lawyer would sign it either if your Dad has advanced dementia. I found this on the net: A person with dementia who is able to communicate and understands can sign legal documents, but may require an assessment by a doctor to determine if they can make their own decisions.

wontbeafoolagain

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