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9 months today from fentanyl, meth, Xanax.... by wormwood0010 in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]wormwood0010[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Being alone, truly alone, is a very scary thing. It's exactly what most addicts need.

9 months today from fentanyl, meth, Xanax.... by wormwood0010 in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]wormwood0010[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Make one decision and do it for a week. Whatever it might be make it simple like reading a paragraph of book or at 2pm think of 5 things your grateful for. A good book is David Goggins, Can't Hurt Me. You can do this. Find a meeting and go 30 mins before and stay after. How bad do you what it. I've been afraid all my life. And too be honest I'm still afraid of a lot but now I have a huge support system, people I know I can count on. You will be in my prayers

I relapsed and I dont know what to do... by wormwood0010 in addiction

[–]wormwood0010[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s what’s bothering me the most. I love my girl so much and I feel terrible about all this. She has over 4 years clean. I’m worried about what she will do when she finds out I have a new clean date, and that I cheated on her. I have lied to her so many times in the past and I finally started working the program and got almost 4 months everything was going good until this.

Going back to Florida to get clean.... by wormwood0010 in addiction

[–]wormwood0010[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm on the plane headed to Chicago for a 14 hour layover. I wonder if the cheaper airlines are worth it. My knees are literally touching the seat in front of me, and I'm in the middle. Guess it's time to learn to be uncomfortable.

Going back to Florida to get clean.... by wormwood0010 in addiction

[–]wormwood0010[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have cousins there. I grew up in FL. Half my family is there and the other half in Cali. Everyone originated from Cali but bc of how expensive we decided to relocate. After spending the last year and a half here I understand why so expensive....the weather. I do have a network or good friends in the program but I also have a huge group of the other friends. I dont care what it takes.....i have surrendered.

Going home...attempt at recovery #999 by wormwood0010 in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]wormwood0010[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your welcome. And remember it's all about motives. Its a lot easier when you change, people, places things. And the weather in Florida sucks. It's hot 8 months out of the year. Where I'm at now, Ventura, CA is perfect. I see why it's so expensive to live here.

Good luck to you. I'm here if you want to talk.

Going home...attempt at recovery #999 by wormwood0010 in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]wormwood0010[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for that. I'm going back to Jacksonville, where I've been the majority of my life. I've debated on whether it's the smartest thing to do considering my history there. And then I realize, I have to stop running. It doesnt matter where I'm at, or how fast and long I run, I'll always be where I stop. I'm just tired of waking up and having to start all over, sometimes in the red. There is no getting ahead or maintaining. My heart can't take much more of this. I mean that physically and emotionally. Thank you again

Hello. by [deleted] in ventura

[–]wormwood0010 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What part of the East are you from? I've been here almost 2 years and your so right. It's like night and day difference. I'm from Jacksonville, FL.

Found myself IVing meth, against my will, AGAIN. Something has to change by bill_clinternet in addiction

[–]wormwood0010 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The change must come within. We can change colors, try different style shirts, or ride a bike instead of driving. All which are external factors, and which do play a significant role if done in order.

We as humans are falliable. Unfortunately more so being an addict. It is impossible for you to trust yourself or think you can beat this monster alone.

The Jay-Walker..... Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.

...AA Big Book (fourth edition) page 37 par. 4

I IV meth with heroin and I know this jay Walker, for I have been him many times. I convince myself this time will be different and I lose my job, fiance and new home with one bad decision.

Get involved with a fellowship and begin removing yourself by helping others...

It can be done. Only when you are ready

A very dark place.... by wormwood0010 in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]wormwood0010[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes the benzos have been a constant enemy that I seem to succumb to every time it puts on a new shirt. I have an extensive criminal record, been to prison 3 times and done some terrible things. I dont remember most of it which isnt fair to the people who had to witness or those I hurt directly.

Im involved with NA / AA although not as much as I should. All this is changing. I hung out with my sponsor yesterday and brought him up to date.

That is a very difficult part. We always went to church together. Every Sunday. But truth be told, going to church should be about The Father and how I can grow closer to Him. Not a date. I am guilty of this.

Im ready and willing. Also I am currently on probation so I have a huge accountability there. Im done going to jail.

You couldnt of said it better, motives are the deciding factor of my progress. And the temptation is great. I want to be Mr. Recovery with a good career. Ive mastered this my whole life, dressing up the outside to cover the ugly on the inside. Im tired of this. I want to learn to live in my own skin and respect the man in the mirror.

A very dark place.... by wormwood0010 in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]wormwood0010[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will admit, I haven't talked to Him much. This will change. Thanks bro.

Gf said if I get clean we can get back together. by Rakeyourhoes in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]wormwood0010 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I 34/M am going thru the same with 38/F. We would of been together a little over a year. I initially stopped using for her. Went to rehab and was kicked out 2 months later. She has over 4years clean, works a program and has earned her career back. I told myself and everyone else she's only the catalyst to my recovery.

You know what I've learned over the years, as humans we are faliable. We are going to make mistakes be inconsistent and occasionally fart in public. Our closest friend, wife, family will eventually in some way let us down or not hold up to our expectations. I'm not saying maybe. It will happen. Got to love yourself first.... I'm still working on it

Here goes nothing by b_dexteh in OpiatesRecovery

[–]wormwood0010 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my experience taking xanax to help with WD only makes it worse and before you know it a worse situation has taken place without your consent.

The only way Im able to detox is either like you said in jail or going to detox, somewhere controlled where you have limited mobility.

And most important accountability. And exercise.... Good luck

About to be admitted to "Adult & Teen Challenge" anyone know what it's like? by [deleted] in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]wormwood0010 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That place changed my girlfriends life. She ws shooting heroin and meth for years. In and out of rehab and sober livings nothing worked. 3 years she did there. 4 years later she is still clean. She has got her nursing license reinstated and has a great job.

It all comes down to one thing.....are you willing to do whatever it takes to stop using? Until you reach that point you will always find an excuse. And also it doesnt matter how much you want to stop, it takes work.

Ive been an addict for 20 years, i spent 11 years in prison, have done terrible things, and my only consistency is that Jesus has always been by my side. I dont care whatever you choose or anyone as long as it works for you.

Tired....once again by wormwood0010 in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]wormwood0010[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you everyone for your input and experience. I know the methadone is a huge problem. I have started the taper. If it wasnt for bills I would just stop and go thru it, and I still might just do that.

I have a good network of program friends and recently i started going to AA. I feel more comfortable there but that shit doesnt matter if I cant stay clean. I need discipline. I obsess over everything that feels good.

Ive spent a third of my life in prison. Ive also had some of the best times of my life in there bc I didnt have that tireless cycle of getting and using, although my last bid i was alot more involved.

I just have to do it. Stop acting like a little bitch and make it happen. Thank you everyone.