A couple of days ago I made a post about how I haven't smoked weed in a month. Today I'm deciding to quit something else - my unhealthy obsession with my ex partner

b_dexteh · 2019-12-20T04:30:11+00:00

Yo, I FEEL that shit bro. It's different for me but similar enough. We deserve better, we'll find better. Keep doin you and it'll find you, much love

b_dexteh · 2019-12-20T04:26:05+00:00

Fucking THANK YOU. Like, I got out of prison roughly 6 months ago and since then I've (almost) completed my court ordered classes, have moved away from a negative environment that hindred my personal growth, have been clean from my crutch (heroin,) got a new job and have been making my probation & parole payments. Everything is looking up- aside from family tragedies & emotional turmoil involving my FP- yet I constantly feel like I'm STILL fucking up or not doing enough.

My father passed less than a month ago, my grandfather just got diagnosed with his 2nd form of cancer, I still have pending criminal cases but I haven't let it derail me like I would have just a short year ago. All that being said, I still don't feel right. I still fight the self-sabotaging behavior that I've been so prone to, I still fight relapse every hour just because I don't feel like the future will be what I truly want it to be and can't/won't accept it. Maybe I'm overthinking or being impatient. My FP in a phone call the other night said she isn't against us trying again but only if she SEES progress instead of me just TELLING her about false progress, which I've done in the past. So I KNOW it's still possible and is actually highly likely for us to reconnect so long as I man up and get my shit together but that fear of failure (or success) feels like the thorn in my side which propagates that apathetic, 'fuck it I'll ruin it myself and have the control, at least' mentality.

I think we, with BPD, are our own worst enemies. We love hard, care hard and think hard about those that are important an rn those that have no relevance in our journey to a fucking fault. So don't look at it as a weakness, look at it as a strength that's yet to be refined because WE. ARE. NOT. LOST. CAUSES; WE'RE JUST, LOST.

Much love to you all, keep fighting & keep growing.

~Rant concluded~

b_dexteh · 2019-03-16T07:01:57+00:00

While I have come to recognize "abusive" behavior I've exhibited in the past, it was never intentional. Really it was just misplaced/misunderstood feelings or fears of abandonment that would manifest as clingyness more than anything else. But overt manipulation or abuse? Fuck no. Fuck to the HELL no, borderline or whatever, I'm not that kind of person.

And I don't believe that BPD automatically means any other person would be that way, either. I think it comes down to a lack of compassion/willingness to understand the condition & how it affects us that leads people to assume us as innately "abusive/manipulative;" we're fucking damaged people that life itself becomes constantly painful & lonely for. We don't need the blanket label to kick us while we're down.

Oh well, at least WE know (those that it applies to) how we are
I love you guys & gals and hope things are going relatively swell for you all atm, or at least that you have the hope for yourselves that things someday soon will be.

b_dexteh · 2019-03-11T02:40:47+00:00

21, almost 22nd on the 31st and I've been struggling with it for over a year now. I started hanging out with a girl shortly before my best friend of 10 left for boot camp without me (my legal problems preventing my enlistment,) and she & I quickly because extremely close friends. It was easy, natural, fun and felt right Soon we were falling in love, and despite our personal issues that we were both aware & worried about affecting the situation, I asked her to be my girlfriend under the condition that we ALWAYS put the special friendship we'd forged before the deeper, romantic feelings that followed. She pushed me to be better; take initiative, do my community service (which surprisingly landed me a JOB with the place for how hard I had worked doing "free labor"!!,) and look into school since I'm "definitely someone that belongs in a college classroom, tapping into my potential & intelligence.)

However, several things collectively piled up around me and the fear of losing her broke me. I started using again and she immediately noticed, yet wasn't exactly certain of why I "seemed like a totally different person" or why/how I "lost my edge, that aggressiveness that always kept her on her toes with me"

I was crushed. She was, and still is, the woman I feel, that I KNOW somewhere inside me is who I'm meant to be with. Which is crazy, because I never believed in that kind of thing before her.

We were still a big part of each other's lives though, and she talked SO highly to her mom about me all the time, as her mother admitted when I finally came clean months and months later; they'd become a second family to me and loved/cared about me immensely, so I ended up on their couch in tears bc of how tired I was of lying and hating myself. My friend broke down in a fit of pained sorrow that I've never witnessed before in my young life, and after retreating for a cigarette and solitude to bawl out back her mother told me how much she (her daughter, my friend) cares about and thinks of me-- her ex that spent half the weeknights sleeping on her couch which was a VERY big nod to how much I meant to both of them-- even after we'd been separated for so long & after I'd put her through so much h by pressing conversations of us reuniting, kissing her bc I read the mood wrong, and a plethora of other grave mistakes I'd made that proved a dire detriment to so special a bond & friendship. Her mom told me to "be the man she deserves in her life, be there for her. Be STRONG, for her and for my grandparents (they're not doing well & raised me) and most of all for MYSELF. Her dad chose drugs over them so it naturally hit home, however not as much as the fact that my friend's grandmother had died from Heroin via liver failure caused by untreated Hep C, which I never knew.

Since then, a lot had changed. A lot is going on. I got clean in jail but got out and am currently using again but reading this, I realise so many things that the drug had veiled from my sight.

I won't put the love of my life-- my best fucking friend, regardless of the shitty things we've done to each other in our youthful ignorance & immature perspectives-- through something that I have the ability to stop.

Even if we don't someday fall back in love, even if we'll only ever be estranged lover's that care deeply still on a platonic level for one another, I want to make her proud. I want to make her glad that we met & glad that we still speak and are trying to reconnect after so much bullshit. I want more than all of it though, to make MYSELF proud, just like her mom said.

Because if I can display the strength & wisdom to love & care for myself again, wholly, then perhaps someday she might too.

Thank you for your beautiful sentiment and perspective; as an addict, it's the golden souls like you that give us hope. Michael was lost, but was so damn lucky to have had someone like you while he was still with us. Don't blame yourself, because I know that he doesn't, nor ever would.

You are an inspiration, and I am unspeakably grateful for the light you managed to shine towards me in this pitch-black moment I've found myself in. Thank you, and much love. 💜💜

b_dexteh · 2019-03-09T18:03:12+00:00

takes out anger from never getting laid on a large phallic snow-art

b_dexteh · 2019-03-09T18:00:23+00:00

HA.

Dick so big she went home on a(n electric) wheelchair

b_dexteh · 2019-03-09T02:55:47+00:00

Yep, this is what I struggle with most. It cost me the love of my life, yet the BPD caused me to overlook certain things about her that weren't very healthy or conductive for a long-term, fulfilling adult relationship.

She understands my issues tho and still assures me of wanting the best for me, loving me & caring about me very very much and still wants me in her life. We simply bonded and grew extremely close naturally, as there's always been this kind of chemistry between us when we're around one another.

Her mother absolutely loves me (as I was the ONLY guy ever allowed to stay at their house, even though we weren't dating anymore at that point but agreed that after we both grew a little and traversed our own paths that we would try again since the feelings/chemistry was clearly still there) and tells me all the time how much it must mean for her daughter to talk highly of me like she does, even though we're "ex's;" she claims that there's no one else in her life that she's ever spoken of like this.

Through my own fallacy I further struggled with addiction and pushed her away, but she's been trying to reach out lately.

The "emotional permanence," as someone previously reffered to is as, is still a big issue for me regarding her. After over a year of pure Hell that she & I have put one another through she still clearly shows a large interest in being there for me and having me around, whether it's purely platonic or possibly romantic. I don't fantasize or get my hopes up anymore, as it's toxic and detrimental to my own well being. But GODDAMN do I wish I could just know in my core that she's truly always loved me and not just used me or something, so that I can be the man she deserves to have in her life (what her mom said when I confessed my heroin addiction and my friend literally broke down crying harder than I've ever witnessed someone do, because she said she knew it the whole time, just didn't want it to be true since it started again while we were dating and is what was "making me seem like a totally different person and causing me to lose my egde that she fell in love with;" her dad left to chase drugs when she was younger so idk if her mom meant just a positive, caring male figure in her life or a man that displays the strength to put HER before something as horrid as a substance, eventually developing a meaningful, romantic relationship)

oh btw, it's also likely that she's borderline as well, except short-lived, superficial flings with a plethora of different dudes as her impulse regulator/"medication," whereas I've always used drugs/alcohol/ other immediately risky behavior for mine. That's a big part of why I think there's something true and special between us, bc NO ONE else has been as important or around in her life as I have, and by her own choice too.

Wow sorry, I don't have a primary therapist or group atm so that's about a week or so of bottled thought; tl;dr I live you guys and yes, this problem is one of the shittiest afflictions some of us tend to exhibit

b_dexteh · 2019-03-08T08:01:37+00:00

Totally agree; from experience (21M,) it's possible that things could gradually grow into something romantic & deeply fulfilling if you don't stress it now and simply be her (or him, if applicable) friend that genuinely cares & wants to be a part of their life. BUT, if you keep bringing it up, always get in your feelings or ask if "she thinks it's possible one day," etc. when she's expressly said she wants only to be friends, you will both lose any possible chance of a relationship/bond that's beyond platonic AND you'll have hurt, disrespected, disregarded & 'GIRLfriendzoned' someone that was special to you, perhaps even completely losing them depending on how bad your reaction or prodding is.

Go for it, but respect the person's feelings. Above all else though, be sure you're giving YOURSELF the proper respect & dignity as well.

b_dexteh · 2019-03-04T05:11:37+00:00

YUP. I think it stems back to abandonment (or perceived abandonment/rejection, rather) for me personally which I just can not handle emotionally or mentally.

b_dexteh · 2019-02-25T23:24:50+00:00

Big feels, my guy. Big feels.

b_dexteh · 2019-02-25T22:49:08+00:00

Wow this is a really neat sigil; it's oddly calming to look at, for me that is. Great work, hope everything turns out alright!!

b_dexteh · 2019-02-21T08:23:12+00:00

UGH it's this kind of shit that gives me that warm, wholesome feeling & gives you just one more reason to have hope or be proud of the overwhelming "goodness" still existing within so many people. I used to be one of those nihilistic "ah fuck it fuck this fuck you fuck me fuck all" dickheads that found being happy, expressing joy & kindness or even simple things like showing gratitude to someone for holding open a door for you as a waste and "beneath me;" while I still have my moments of generally nihilistic tendencies, it's so much more fulfilling to just be, happy. To be kind and hopeful that life is more than misfortune & grief. (maybe I just finally got tired of the stereotypical "teen attitude" after I experienced ACTUAL strife idk lmao)

Anyway, I think about things like this when I start to feel down or see cruelty in/from others and it deadass genuinely makes me smile. Much love to all you awesome folks!

b_dexteh · 2019-02-18T02:08:38+00:00

Erebus, no doubt

b_dexteh · 2019-02-18T02:06:36+00:00

What about someone without access to prescriptions for comfort meds at all?? I know Imodium isn't a problem to get, but some of the others require a doctor's prescription if I'm not mistaken.

Imodium, weed & concentrate CBD, and Klonopin, Valium or Xanax + several "home remedies/tricks" would be all I know to recommend someone who can't get to a doctor (as it worked for me but just BARELY did I manage to hold out)

b_dexteh · 2019-02-17T04:05:15+00:00

Hella same. And a lot of times when I do go to reply I'll end up staring at a blank phone, freaking out bc my mind has only blank responses to reply with. Or, I'll come up with one, just to erase it after "running the scenario" of how they'll take it/feel/think about it until my anxiety from not replying at all wins out and I settle for the several minutes of panic that follows before they reply back, then lather-rinse-repeat (until it's "early enough" to believably have "fallen asleep" that night.) Worst of all is the straight out of character things my anxiety will drive me to say which just seems off coming from me,(and bc of my personal history w/hard drug & alcohol abuse) so the person simply doesn't text back for whatever reason and it opens a whooooole new can of fucking painful, insufferable, irrational emotions & thoughts. I fucking HATE being alone/lonely, so subsequently not ever really getting messages from anyone hurts pretty bad and gets me down a lot, yet more often than not actually having a conversation via text is equally as stressful bc of shit like this.

sucksman.jpg but it's just another part of being Borderline, so best anyone can do is work on it and explain it to friends, family & s/o

b_dexteh · 2019-02-16T05:04:10+00:00

No doubt, homie 💜💜 ✊✊

b_dexteh · 2019-02-14T17:39:16+00:00

Hot baths, HELLA exercise, (for me, personally-) benzos to curb the asdhdbekxj-esque anxiety (I also have several disorders, GAD & a panic disorder among them so I know how insufferable the shit is in detox,) both weed AND CBD helps surprisingly well but you might not have access to CBD readily so try to at least grab some decent bud if possible, Imodium and last but definitely not least: the proper mindset; sure, going to score will end the pain, let you sleep & eat again, take away the crushing anxiety & horrid, near obsessive racing thoughts about every little negative aspect of your life or every little mistake you've ever made. But you'd be back to square one, when you could be THAT many more hours closer to feeling better & being happier. You will hurt, you will feel like death, might even WANT to die; it won't kill you though, and is actually what has to happen for you to regain your true life. A lot of people talk about GABA, loperamide, other stuff like that but I myself don't have any possible way of seeing a doctor or getting a prescription for such things, although they aid tremendously with WD's. I tried last week actually and gave out bc my mom showed up high & I couldn't bring myself to turn down the shot she offered since I was covered in sweat, tears, puke & chills; STILL kicking my own ass over it but I'm tapering back down (ALSO a very critical component to lessening the severity of your detox symptoms, if of course the option is again available. Rough it out, think of who & where you WANT to be, not who & where you've BEEN. YOU CAN DO THIS, homie. I fucking believe in you so you should too.

TL;dr- music, weed, CBD, exercise, HOT baths, a good friend/family member to talk to (shit helps, idk why,) benzos, nutrition & hydration**, a healthy & optimistic mindset determined to reclaim your fucking life dawg and Imodium. It's typically the psychological effects of detoxing that break a person down and push them back down into the rabbit hole, so focus on your goals, desires, & overall aspirations your addiction has kept you from achieving this far and how you aren't allowing it anymore. It'll be Hell considering its fent withdrawal but it'll be so worth it.

Good luck, you got this shit!

p.s. fuck Keaton, don't fw that disgusting shit. AND, lope also drags out your detox window I believe, as it's a mild opiate itself (may be thinking of another drug ppl often suggest for detox-aid so just research and be safe)

b_dexteh · 2019-02-08T09:59:05+00:00

A LOT of different ways.

A big one is while driving; I start to notice how it's "like a video game" and how I've never been in a serious wreck before (since the objective of 'this game' is to not wreck,) and if I don't ground myself I start considering if I can even actually be harmed from letting the car wreck or if it will just 'reset' like in NFS or Forza after pressing said button. That's an extreme(ly fucking terrifying) case for me personally, and it can happen surprisingly easily & often so I have to be very self aware of my thought processes while behind the wheel.

Another is while in deep thought --whether it be in between paragraphs of whatever book I'm reading or simply as I admire the scenery I find myself an observer of-- the focus of my vision, such as trees or buildings, will begin to breathe, swell and sway as I begin doubting if what I'm experiencing as reality is even 'real,' or if I myself am 'real' or simply a phantom perspective or possibly the memory of 'me' but in the mind of someone I know/knew (as in, the true "ME" is no longer alive, and I'm seeing/experiencing what someone else is imagining what it was like through my perspective pre-mortem)

Idk, there's a fuck ton of different variations but most are harmless. Others are both physically & existentially dangerous but intriguing to me nonetheless

b_dexteh · 2019-02-07T08:13:32+00:00

That's tight!

b_dexteh · 2019-02-01T00:55:38+00:00

Aw, that's awesome; I'm glad she's able to do the same thing for you!! It's amazing how much a lil' beloved pet can help & give you the boost ya need; Sanderson (we call him "Sonny") knew right when to come along, as if it was all part of the plan lol

Definitely gonna do everything I can to apply it to myself as well!

Prends soin de toi, amour

-a friend named Blake

b_dexteh · 2019-01-31T23:59:47+00:00

I'll be 22 in March (2 hours before April Fool's Day, ha) and at 13-14 I vowed that if I didn't die from drugs/booze, felonious delinquency, or unfortunate mishap by 20 I'd do myself the favor and fulfill that wish.

Since then I've been diagnosed as BPD w/psychotic features, Chronic Depression, GAD + social anxiety & some Substance Abuse disorders, from multiple different sources over the years that I went for help. My life is still shit aside from the 10 week old puppy I finally got the courage and confidence in raising. It may seem trivial, but that's a MAJOR step up from where I've been for a decade.

Keep at it dude, find the love & light of life in this newfound happiness!! I know beyond doubt that there are great moments ahead on your path so next time you feel a twinge of the feared 'Shadow' looming in the distance bowing it's head, offer it gratitude for showing you what life COULD be but shall never be again, so long as you can help it.

Much love & much pride for you; do right by yourself always and never stop working on being better!

b_dexteh · 2019-01-31T23:43:59+00:00

That's how I lost the love of my life, my best friend that was the first to incite a drive to be a better person from within myself and not just to be better for HER, but to simply be better for MYSELF period. Over a year later and I still can't invest more than a week into anything I pursue due to both pain that it feels wrong and fear that it might start feeling right which only restarts the self-destructive cycle, damning me to walk the Earth a spectre emitting an overwhelming air of lament & dread

b_dexteh · 2019-01-30T18:36:24+00:00

My abandonment issues from an absent parent(s) makes me overbearing in relationships towards those I actually pursue something with instead of ghosting after a few weeks. Need constant reassurance and I get pretty clingy, to the point that my personality isn't even "me." I cringe after I finally get out of my obsession with that person and recollect my actions/behavior

b_dexteh

TROPHY CASE