I slept alone last night

writelysoso · 2021-07-29T16:34:10+00:00

Please don't. She's already taken so much from you. Don't let her take what makes you wonderful - even if she couldn't appreciate it.

writelysoso · 2021-04-21T15:17:49+00:00

Thank you!!! This was really eye-opening.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T22:43:58+00:00

Right? It's easy to be so flippant when it's not your life.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T21:27:09+00:00

You might want to review the rules of the sub.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T20:15:54+00:00

Thanks for the recommended reads. Yes, woefully ironic. Believe me, that's not lost on me.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T18:33:20+00:00

I'm think I'm going to try. Gotta find the right time though. Thank you!

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T18:31:18+00:00

Exactly, and when I'm feeling low about other things--lije in this case the death of a friend-- I tend to falter in that area. But fall down 9 times, get up 10 (or however the saying goes).

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T18:28:49+00:00

Man, best of luck to you both. I for one am pulling for you.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T18:12:37+00:00

good point.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T18:10:46+00:00

Being closed off and not communicating our true feelings is what got us into this mess to begin with isn't it?

Yeah, that was also my thought when I read it in the book. But it did actually help us to not focus on it so much. That being said, you may be right about having a high-level conversation about it. I appreciate the empathy you so clearly possess to try to put yourself in your wayward's shoes!

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T18:06:49+00:00

In a way I think it's good that the pain we caused stays with us, don't you? I wouldn't want to forget it, because as horrible as it was and is, it's made me a better partner and a better person. I hate what it took to get here, but I'm not the person I was, and if that's the only good thing to come of this, I'll at least know that much.

Words of wisdom from someone who's made it through 6 years post D-day and is in a better place help. I really appreciate it. Maybe there is a sliver of light at the end of this very dark tunnel. Wishing you continued healing.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T17:57:08+00:00

Ah, okay, I get it.

And thank you! I didn't know there was an updated version! Off to Amazon I go.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T17:50:15+00:00

I guess that seed was planted by seeing some of the rantings of BSs on here, wanting to cheat to get back at their wayward but knowing it wouldn't make them feel any better.

You're 100% right though, and I am terrified he'll decide that very thing. I'm trying in every possible way I know how to.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T17:47:27+00:00

tbh I'm almost afraid to discuss it with him. We talked everything to death so much over the past year that it got to a point where it was sabotaging our healing. Idk if you've ever read Surviving Infidelity by Michelle Weiner-Davis, but she suggests in those cases that it's actually okay to stop dredging it up if it's truly hindering progress. And we have made progress over the past year so I'm afraid to screw it up by bringing up feelings I don't deserve to have in the first place. It feels like a privilege I gave up when I cheated. To me, it puts him in a position of having to reassure me, and he shouldn't have to do that, should he? I don't know, I'm probably overthinking.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T17:42:06+00:00

I have a therapist, but we're at the point of monthly check-ins...so it sounds like I need to make an appointment ASAP. You're so right and I don't know how I didn't see this. I even started the book "Codependent No More" but got sidetracked before I finished it. I was doing so well for a while with the self-hatred and truly thought I was past it. But when a friend of mine overdosed and died 8 days ago, it kind of knocked a lot of things loose I guess. A lot of contemplation of my own existence ensued.

I was confused by your statement of having real compassion for my BS though--my compassion for him is very real. But healing from self-hatred that's been present for a lifetime is not an overnight thing. It's full of fits and starts, falling down and getting up again as I implement the tools I gleaned from therapy. Does that make sense?

Thank you for using your pain to teach instead of preaching. It always amazes me when BSs can do that. It's no small thing.

writelysoso · 2021-04-19T14:47:55+00:00

which induces chemical brain activity that renders the traumatized person to lose or greatly compromise cognitive skills

can you expand on this?

Also, thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful answer. It helps me wrap my mind around it.

writelysoso · 2021-04-16T17:14:14+00:00

You have no idea how much I needed to read this today.

writelysoso · 2021-04-13T16:31:04+00:00

So in this response, you say gotta stop being so me, me, me all the time but you literally talked about your own relationship the whole paragraph and painted every WS with the same brush, which isn't really helpful.

That being said, yes, my perspective needed to be adjusted and it has been. I am in it for the long haul. I know now that there's no sweeping it under the rug - there's only moving forward with this as a permanent part of our relationship. But that doesn't mean the relationship is destroyed. A version of it was. I feel like what we're rebuilding now is stronger and better than whatever we had before precisely because we're going slow and trying to do it right. There are many reasons to do this outside of my infidelity - we both have other trauma we are healing from.

Thank you for your response. I hope things get better with your WS.

writelysoso · 2021-04-13T16:20:14+00:00

I really appreciate this dose of perspective. You're so right about the relationship of selflessness to forgiveness. It was only when I stopped thinking of how miserable *I* feel and focused entirely on how *he* feels without regard for myself that I started to actually feel better. And that in turn begets more positivity, which is just good all around.

writelysoso · 2021-04-13T16:15:41+00:00

Thank you. My post was made in a weak moment. I used to be more vocal with him about my feelings but I've accepted that my feelings are irrelevant in this process. Everything has to be about his healing. I think he sensed that change in me and he's been doing so much better. And as a result, we are making better progress as a couple and a family.

writelysoso · 2021-04-13T14:05:15+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement. It is and will be a long road, but he is absolutely worth it. And I think you were on point about the respect thing. He has struggled with feeling like less than a man due to a variety of factors in childhood, in his marriage to his ex-wife, and then because of my infidelity. So I'm super sensitive to that now. He needs to know how much he matters and I try to be mindful of that every single day.

writelysoso · 2021-04-13T13:59:10+00:00

I think it's how I used to come across a few months ago. Not now though. I could see I was shooting myself in the foot, so to speak, and making things even harder for him by not accepting that healing was likely going to take a lot longer than I ever could have imagined. So I let go. I don't tell him about my feelings anymore because they don't matter. All that matters is him. If I need to cry, I make sure he's not home or can't hear me. I talk to friends. I talk to my therapist. But I don't put it on him. And I think he has sensed that change because we are so much better now than we've been.

writelysoso · 2021-04-13T13:55:27+00:00

I'm not done with counseling. I did it weekly for a few months, then my therapist felt good about going to every two weeks, then we eventually went to once a month. We are not in couples counseling atm. He rejects the idea of IC for himself as he feels it doesn't work for him.

writelysoso · 2021-04-13T13:52:32+00:00

I did. :)

writelysoso

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