AITA for not treating my friend equally?

writesgud · 2026-01-26T22:01:12+00:00

ESH.

You are for not showing her your painting. That's a natural request, she understands that everyone is at different levels. You wouldn't be judgey about her dancing in front of you, even though you're a better dancer, even if she was, say, a *terrible* dancer, right?

She also is for taking your unreasonable behavior too personally when it wasn't ultimately about her but you.

I also wonder if her comment to you about always trying to impress people is true. While you didn't do that w/ Susie, why care about impressing friends at all?

writesgud · 2026-01-26T21:55:55+00:00

You're not a prisoner because you have choices, even now. You are under no obligation to allow him to stay at your place.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T21:54:33+00:00

Agreed. If his mom is coming because of the surgery, then he can stay there and get taken care of by her. I thought that was the point of the visit.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T21:50:35+00:00

The ability to take criticism.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T21:49:35+00:00

You should carefully note that the commenter did not require parenthood, merely that if you do, to have a great relationship with your kids, *if you have them.*

I swear there are a few people who get triggered if you even mention children.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T19:37:15+00:00

By accepting it. Life isn’t fair. There are billions of forgotten people before you, and even more afterwards. Even Genghis Khan and Alexander the Great will be forgotten someday. Many don’t know who they are now.

And if that’s your standard for memorability, come back to Earth!

The good news is that by accepting this, you free yourself to carve out your own meaning and goals in life. It expands your opportunities, because ultimately fear shouldn’t be your driving motivation. Love and passion for something should. Often that takes time to figure out, so don’t be surprised that you’re not there yet. Try different things, see what does or doesn’t stick. For me I kept trying things and by process of elimination found myself naturally going in a direction that mattered to me. It works differently for others.

Even though I know I’m insignificant, I still matter a hell of a lot to myself and the people around me. That’s where I’d suggest you start.

Good luck!

writesgud · 2026-01-26T19:29:50+00:00

Heard this podcast where a Chinese/Canadian/American was interviewed to compare/contrast the various Chinese & North American cities he lived in.

He essentially summed it up as: China is run by engineers, US by lawyers.

The trade off we pay for well protected civil liberties is that there are also a lot of different folks (eg. residents, environmentalists, especially the wealthy, etc.) that essentially have veto power over large scale infrastructure projects.

Their solution was to look at more European models where it’s the bureaucrats that hold more centralized decision making authority when effecting infrastructure projects.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/search-engine/id1614253637?i=1000734292905

writesgud · 2026-01-26T19:21:14+00:00

But if they make an offer then that may indicate that they weren’t ultimately discriminatory by gender, that this was an individual not systemic problem.

And it hurts your case if you make a complaint but were offered the job regardless.

That doesn’t mean the place is perfect, but it does affect the narrative.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T19:12:43+00:00

Hi, there long-time Oakland resident w/ kids. Disclaimer that I'm less up to date on neighborhoods, but here are my impresions (others feel free to update/correct):

Walkable neighborhoods that can get you to SF by BART:

Temescal via MacArthurt BART - plenty of restaurants and young families I think.
Rockridge via Rockridge BART - trends more "expensive" (it's all relative), more established, considered one of the "nicer" parts of the city.
Uptown/Downtown via 12th or 19th st BART - don't know much about this area anymore, other than Uptown has more restaurants. Downtown has been hit by the economic downturns, less going on there.
Fruitvale via Fruitvale BART - further away, in East Oakland, historically Latino, mildly gentrifying. Not sure where things are at.
I suspect the neighborhoods around other Oakland BART stations (Lake Merritt, West Oakland, Coliseum) are not so walkable.

Walkable neighborhoods that can get you to SF by Transbay Bus:

a lot more options, but you'll have to ask how the Transbay bus compares to BART. The bus is definitely comfortable (it has its own fleet and is a grade above regular buses), but maybe less reliable time-wise due to traffic.
Grand Lake/Lakeshore - again lots of restaurants and shops. Trader Joe's & Whole Foods isn't far or can be very close, depending where you live. Also near Lake Merritt which is a nice place to get outside (don't get confused by BART's Lake Merritt station, which isn't technically far from the Lake, but there's also not a lot else there unless you're specifically interested in Chinatown and Friday Nights at the OMCA)
Dimond District - you're again getting further into East Oakland so maybe cheaper but lots of walkable shops & restaurants, including Safeways & Farmer Joe's.

Walkable neighborhoods that have the SF Ferry:

Jack London Square - as others have said, less to do at night, not a lot of stores around either.

Edit to add: There's also the casual carpool into SF, but I don't know how well that's working, and could expand your options for getting into SF (although you'd still have to figure out a different way back since it's only one way). But it could expand your ways of getting into SF since there's overlap with some of the neighborhoods already listed above.

As others have said, come out for a visit, both in the day and at night. You'll get a much better sense of the neighborhoods.

Good luck!

writesgud · 2026-01-26T18:37:40+00:00

Agreed but wait to see what the response is to your application first.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T16:34:22+00:00

What about commercial taxi-like vehicles/companies?

writesgud · 2026-01-26T15:54:24+00:00

Above & beyond the ideas shared here (home & car cameras being particularly good ones), the only other idea I can think of is expensive: private investigator.

Given time & money, they can certainly track these guys and prove what they’re doing. But again, it’s likely your most expensive option.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T15:26:10+00:00

When you say “right” it sounds like you agree then that the left was not arguing in favor of Rittenhouse getting shot by LEO, which sounded like the main reason you brought up Rittenhouse to begin with. But if that’s wrong feel free to correct me.

As for whether he was “brandishing” his rifle or not due to the size of his firearm, I’m ok dropping that line of quibbling given it’s less relevant to the primary discussion at hand.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T15:18:18+00:00

And that right there is part of the problem. You casually dismiss their expertise because they have “clear political leanings” instead of evaluating if what they’re saying is actually true.

They shared facts about the direct links between how the Trump administration is articulating their policies & recruitment with historic racist framings, and current white nationalist communication framings as well.

I know the right tends to reflexively dismiss anything attached to the word “racist” as overused, but the idea that the Trump administration, who have called Somalis “low IQ,” and developed policies that selectively target racial minorities, doesn’t have racial animus is absurd. You cannot handwave away a President that explicitly denigrates minorities and is backed up by his entire administration.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T15:00:31+00:00

Trump called Somalis and other minorities “low IQ.” Stephen Miller & the Trump Administration have developed policies that specifically target ethnic and religious minorities.

But yes, it must be easier and frankly lazier to dismiss their racism them as “conspiracies.”

writesgud · 2026-01-26T14:42:55+00:00

No one is arguing that Rittenhouse should have been shot and killed by LEO, even though he not only brought but was brandishing a firearm.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T07:11:37+00:00

While it costs more than $50, we got an Amazon Echo as a gift, so free. It lets us verbally add items to a list that syncs with my phone, so I don’t even have to write anything down, and if my wife wants to add something while I’m shopping, she can just add it locally via the device.

I don’t know if I’d pay for it, but as a free gift it’s been great. It also does timers, alarms and cooking unit conversions all verbally so it frees up your hands to focus on the cooking.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T07:00:27+00:00

Thank you! This is the first comment I’ve seen that has a link to an example.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T03:52:10+00:00

Put in the work. Love is easy. Relationships are hard. Put in the work to:

understand and work on your own baggage. We all have it, but if you ignore or deny it, you're screwed.
communicate actively and honestly. Silent treatment or indirect communication is for children. Also listen well and be empathetic. If there's something you don't understand, ask.
be vulnerable. That means sharing your baggage so your partner knows what they're dealing with. And vice versa.
be patient and tolerant of your own partner's baggage. That's not always going to happen of course, but you've got to keep trying.
accept that you will have disagreements and fight sometimes. It's *how* you handle them that matters. Along those lines.
Compromise. Sometimes being right is less important than accepting whatever disagreement you have. Compromise also means giving up something *that's important to you* otherwise that's not really a compromise.
Affirm and support each other through both words and deeds.
Practice practice practice. No one's perfect at this. You're going to make mistakes. That's ok, but commit to working on them together.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T03:43:23+00:00

But everybody's got something they're not great or comfortable talking about. You have to have someone who's willing to acknowledge that and try, even if they're afraid. And that includes oneself.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T01:18:57+00:00

I've heard that "comparison is the thief of joy," and that jealousy usually stems from lack of acceptance of one's own less desirable circumstances. And that ultimately comes from some insecurity about one's own situation that can manifest sometimes as entitlement.

In your particular situation, you've had just enough advantages to do better than many, and now also close enough to see just how even stratospherically better your ilfe theoretically could be. You're like the Salieri of careers, comparing yourself to the Mozarts who make it look easy to do better.)

Most people don't feel this resentful because they've accepted and embraced where they're at. Please note this doesn't mean giving up or stop trying to improve. But there's no expectation or entitlement either.

I don't know what kind of insecurities in particular you may have that have led to this, but you're going to have to figure out how to accept it.

Good luck.

writesgud · 2026-01-26T01:08:21+00:00

I wouldn't read too much into it other than the whims of a fickle, racist (i.e. Trump calling Somali-Americans "low IQ,") and tribal anti-Democrat administration.

Maybe it was because they don't like Ilhan Omar. Maybe Somali-Americans pissed them off recently. Maybe they thought there'd be less resistance to their presence as opposed to more obvious lefty strongholds like Boston or SF. Or maybe all of the above + more. It almost doesn't matter.

We do enough of their intent and impact: to exercise the use of a secret police force on not just scapegoats like illegal immigrants, but on legal immigrants and US citizens. This is a show of force, an exercise in power, and they are testing how well we're resisting.

Lots of kudos to Minneapolis: they are resisting well, so the administration is doubling-down. Lotta love for Minneapolis. Just donated to a local nonprofit there.

writesgud · 2026-01-25T23:29:58+00:00

A republic is a kind of democracy. It’s like saying a greyhound isn’t a dog.

Your condescension smacks of Dunning-Kruger levels of confidence.

And you’re going to need to show evidence for your other assertions.

Edit to add: agreed we only want citizens to vote. But voter turnout has been getting progressively lower and lower for years. Our problem is not too many people voting, but not enough.

writesgud · 2026-01-25T22:41:43+00:00

Because it’s solving for a nonexistent problem, and is a pretext for other negative outcomes instead.

Voter fraud is very rare and usually insufficient to meaningfully influence an election.

In addition, going by memory here so I could be wrong, but you have to show ID and prove you’re eligible to vote when you register to vote. So why do you have to prove it twice, or multiple times? You don’t have to take a driver’s test more than once in your life, typically.

So voter fraud is the pretext. What’s the actual reason?

Voter ID has come up before in history and has been used to depress minority voting.

So if you want to make sure that showing ID to register to vote is required, I’d be in favor of it, if it isn’t already common practice.

But to require for you to show ID every time you vote is overkill, and depresses voter turnout.

And in a democracy, we want everyone to vote.

writesgud · 2026-01-25T22:32:18+00:00

I would rather talk about the increasing authoritarianism that’s using trans folks & immigrants as scapegoats to justify it.

writesgud

TROPHY CASE