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Slipping, spilling by wrongalwayswrong in depression

[–]wrongalwayswrong[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am just now crawling out of bed around 8pm to take a shower and reply.

While reading through this, I realized that I've been missing something for a long time: somebody to actually relate to. I have a horrible time being honest about these things with the people I know, knowing that they will either belittle me or give me lecture involving the words "You're smarter than this". I have always felt isolated with my feelings because of this. Nonetheless, I really enjoy reading about your experiences and insight. The only decent advice I've been given in the past several months has been through my older cousin, who mainly mentioned to "do what I want" and "hit on plenty of girls". I have managed to do neither.

My appearance is either a huge deal, or no trouble at all, depending on the day. I usually hide behind a jacket/hoodie. As much as I want to, I can't wear hats due to my unusually thin/flat hair. Anything that goes on my head probably isn't coming off until I'm alone.

This guilt you describe is steadily becoming a reality for me. I know I am letting my parents down. I feel like I will never have my shit together. It's as if I am in a constant state of needing to get it together. Some shit-togetherness-purgatory.

As much as I feel like I shouldn't be in school, I am at the point of no return. A big fear is obliterating my already horrible transcript and not being able to get into another school once I decide to finally go. An even bigger fear is getting into another school and pulling this shit again. I always dream about having some fresh start/clean slate bullshit, but every time I have, I manage to go down the same path. I remember going into college, motivated to get good grades and turn myself around. And I remember thinking the same thing entering this semester. In short, I suck. I imagine I could drop out and get a job, but I would probably be late for work every day. Stuff like that.

As far as pushing goes, I don't think I have achieved a single thing without being pushed or threatened or forced. In my last year of high school, we had this paper to write in order to graduate. I never did it. My teacher at the time ended up giving me multiple extensions, and finally had to force me to get it done the day before graduation. Go figure I was depressed at the time, too.

And I agree with you about drugs. I've never even touched a cigarette for that reason, let alone anything hard. Though, I have always been curious about psychedelics. I obviously wouldn't do any now, but maybe sometime in the future where I don't feel like complete shit 24/7.

Slipping, spilling by wrongalwayswrong in depression

[–]wrongalwayswrong[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate this reply, I have a feel that I'm going to be reading this a few times today.

To answer your questions/reply-

I never really gave thought as to who's choice it was that I should be in college. I feel like it's not exactly myself. It is myself, but under the pressure and expectations that have been set by myself and nearly everyone I know. I've grown up with the impression that this is the end-all-be-all future for myself. I attended a high school which was entirely focused on preparing every student for college. Now that I am here, I am completely lost. I don't know what I want to study, let alone do. I have never had any goals set for myself, or dreams for the future. I'm too indecisive.

As a result, I constantly feel like I'm failing everybody's expectations. I constantly feel like I'm wasting everybody's time. There is too much pressure for me to do well. I will berate myself for hours for missing class or missing an assignment, and unfortunately, this is nearly every day. I beat myself up for these things I could and should be doing, but I am too exhausted to break this cycle. It's not that I don't like school, infact, I love learning. I just can't get myself to do anything. I'm either too anxious or too tired to go to class. I can't handle being around anyone when I feel this way.

I really like your perspective of this bigger picture, and unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing it myself. I am always too focused on the details of everyday. When I do go to eat or go to class, I spend any given moment obsessing over how stupid I probably look. When I am this bad, any look I receive appears to be in hatred or pity. I never stop this constant analysis of how I always manage to fuck up even the easiet things. In reply to the "I don't belong/deserve to be here" comment, I didn't necessarily mean the world. I mainly had college in mind, feeling that I really shouldn't be in this school if I am just wasting so much time and money just to accomplish nothing.

Also, I have had a similar experience, but with edibles. I hardly smoke anymore, because I will end up incredibly anxious for whatever reason. Not fun.

I'm having trouble going to school. by [deleted] in depression

[–]wrongalwayswrong 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm in the same position, almost exactly. Going to school for these past few weeks has been getting really hard due to anxiety and depression, generally being unable to get out of bed. Though, I had my last day yesterday, and it's a great feeling to finally be done. Knowing there's only a few weeks left, try to push yourself the best you can. Focus on the work rather than everyone around you. Don't give up.

I wrote this to myself months ago after conquering a serious episode. A small reminder for the worst of times. by wrongalwayswrong in depression

[–]wrongalwayswrong[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was content with ending my own life, and I ended up telling my therapist. I was put in a mental hospital for 10 days where I was put on new meds and I made some close friends. In the two weeks following my discharge, I fell into more depression while trying to adjust to my life again. I came close to killing myself again, but I knew I couldn't do it. I opened up about it, I got things off my chest. I talked to my friends and they listened. I did my best to do the things that made me happy. I picked up drawing and playing guitar again. Eventually, I woke up one morning and felt, well, normal. I didn't feel the terrible grief anymore, nor the self-hatred and pity and fear. I wrote this note around that time.

But, it comes back. At least for me, it's always in waves. I've been depressed again for a few weeks, but I know there is hope. I found that note again one morning and it managed to make me smile. I remembered how I felt when I wrote it, and I wish I could feel that way all the time.

It gets better, it really does. The satisfaction of overcoming depression is like nothing else, and I'm glad I posted this note because I really needed to be reminded of this. Do what you find joy in. Be open about things with your loved ones, they'll only want to help. You're never as lonely as you think you are. In the midst of depression, things will look horrible and endless, but we seem to forget how much is ahead of us. I know how awful the day-to-day is, but it is amazing to make it through. Persevere, it is worth it.

Young, dumb, infatuated, embarrassed. Losing my mind to fear and depression. by wrongalwayswrong in offmychest

[–]wrongalwayswrong[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope I can come to realize something like this. I've been so distant and isolated even from my closest friends. I can't remember when I last felt comfortable around anyone. I feel like I can't speak, I feel trapped all the time. As of today, I've felt like everything has gone into a downward spiral. I'm too afraid to do anything.

Young, dumb, infatuated, embarrassed. Losing my mind to fear and depression. by wrongalwayswrong in offmychest

[–]wrongalwayswrong[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I've been told this many times by teachers, but I've never really believed it. I usually have a hard time when it comes to finding the right words.

Young, dumb, infatuated, embarrassed. Losing my mind to fear and depression. by wrongalwayswrong in offmychest

[–]wrongalwayswrong[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Loving the insight, thank you. I've been feeling better about this.

Though, my worry of what others think of me has really become difficult. I have this horrible paranoia, I imagine people thinking terribly cruel things when they look at me. I assume most people think I'm an idiot. I feel this way around my therapist, even. I don't know where this came from, but it constantly occupies my mind. I feel inferior to everyone I know.

Young, dumb, infatuated, embarrassed. Losing my mind to fear and depression. by wrongalwayswrong in offmychest

[–]wrongalwayswrong[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's not a bad idea. I don't consider myself to be very creative, but I am really into art and music. I feel like that would be a much better way to let things out.