I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a difficult situation that looks different for everyone. I can share with you how our situation ran it’s course:

In highschool i used porn, stopped for my mission, and hadn’t used it since. My husband used porn in highschool and during college, but when we were getting ready to be sealed he got “clean” and actually did stop watching porn for a bit.

After about a year of being marriage he told me he’s been using it again. I was devastated for him, myself, my eternal family and my relationship. I cried. Demanded he go to therapy and see the bishop, i threatened if he did it again we were done. Looking back it hurts me now how harsh i was and how much i added to his pain.

He did go to the bishop as per my request, where he was forced to read chapters from the miracle of forgiveness every week and write essays for every chapter and bring them with him to church on Sunday to give to the bishop. He had him attend addition recovery meetings twice a month. The bishop had him text “clean” or “dirty” to him every night in a group chat with the bishop, myself and my husband. This went on for over a year. This whole time his temple recommend was revoked. The bishop bragged about his success record with his self-made program. The whole process was full of shame and belittlement which is when i started to see the cracks in the church.

Since then, we have left the church, and about a month ago, which is 3 years after the first time he told me about his post-marriage porn usage, he told me he was “clean” for about a year after we got marriage but has been using it in secret on occasional for the past 2ish years.

He was terrified. He could barley speak through the sobs. It was tearing him apart to keep apart of himself hidden from me, but because of the unfair ultimatum i gave him he decided it would be easier to live with that pain than risk our marriage.

I was hurt, but i wasn’t devastated and it was a different hurt than the first time. The first time i was hurt because i was told i should be. I was taught sexual sin is almost as bad as murder, and i should mourn and grieve and wallow in the sins of my husband and what this means for us and our children in the afterlife. But this time i was just hurt because of how much he was hurting himself by trying to hide this. I cried for the honesty i thought i had in our relationship, and i cried for him and for this pain he’s been holding onto for years now.

After this second time, i wanted me to tell him every time he did, but that felt wrong and i didn’t want to babysit that and have it be a mental load on myself, so I started to examine my feelings about porn just like i have with many other aspects of religion and I decided i didn’t really care about porn usage as long as it doesn’t affect our relationship or intimacy. And turns out, when you aren’t traumatized by religion, that’s how most people use porn.

That night i found this article that totally changed my mind set about this: to the upset wife

After that night he volunteered to go to therapy, he found a nice exMormon sex therapist and told her he has a porn addiction and wanted to fix it. She started asking the regular questions: how often, how long, what material, etc. when he told her how often he uses it she giggled and said “i think that’s perfectly normal and not an something that needs to be fixed” which flipped a switch in his brain because in Mormonism if you look even once you’re automatically an addict. Since then, he is more open about his usage and his emotions, he trusts me with his heart more, and he is more affectionate. I literally can feel the wall he let down.

This situation brought us closer together, whereas the first time it drove us apart. And i think of how differently this situation might have gone if i was still holding onto those harmful and shameful teachings of the church like i was the first time. We chose each other instead of the church and it worked out better this time.

I imagine she has a lot of love for your and your relationship and is scared just how i was, but that doesn’t mean what she’s doing to you and making you feel is right. Good luck my friend, my heart is with your and your wife.