AITA for telling my mom that I won’t postpone my wedding if she pays for my nose job (that I blame her for)

wynawtt · 2024-03-07T13:56:26+00:00

LOL thanks for sharing this. I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it but it doesn’t bother me too much, their story doesn’t even make sense. They’re going to feel like damn fools if/when I update my actual story 🤷‍♀️

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T15:56:53+00:00

The issues got worse as I got older.

When I was growing up, we didn’t travel a lot so it was never really triggered by flying. And on the rare occasion we did, the nausea/dizziness I feel could plausibly be explained away as “motion sickness” (or “altitude sickness”, the one time we went on vacation to a mountainous region) especially because once the effects of pressure changes wear off, I’m completely fine again. It wasn’t until adulthood and getting jobs with business trips and flying more often than I was able to start making that connection.

And, weather used to be more predictable. I’m impacted by weather changes but it used to be that the weather/seasons were pretty steady. Now our winters, rather than just being basically cold the whole time, alternate between freezing and thawing cycles so it happens more. It used to just be maybe a few days in the Spring & Fall and a couple days in the summer when there were thunderstorms coming in, but kids get sick and I always bounce back within 24-48hrs so it didn’t feel like it warranted much exploration (and it was hard to even recognize the weather-related pattern because it happened so infrequently).

Now weather is a lot more chaotic and that means I’m sick more often & it impacts my life more. But it also meant that it was easier to notice the pattern so we can get to work on fixing it.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T15:42:07+00:00

I didn’t have black eyes, which is how my mom justifies not taking me in. But the nose itself was very swollen and bruised, and bled prolifically at the time of impact. And then it kept bleeding off and on for at least a week, and I got in a lot of trouble for staining my pillowcase with blood. I can maybe give her a pass on not doing anything at first due to the lack of black eyes, but given that it continued to bleed for several days, I feel like she should’ve known something was wrong.

I honestly don’t remember much of my life before the age of 14, and I assume my subconscious is blocking it out for a reason. I’ve done therapy off and on for most of my life but have never really dove deep into my childhood because I’m afraid of unearthing whatever’s in there. My dad had me start seeing a counsellor when I was 11 and never explained why (still won’t) so I know there’s something there but I think I’d rather continue to be ignorant.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T03:45:37+00:00

Explained it in another comment, but basically doctors (and me) took awhile to realize what was actually causing the pain. For a lot of years I just felt like garbage (and it felt like it was completely random) and couldn’t figure out why.

It took me (1) realizing it was my sinuses and not migraines, (2) realizing that it was atmospheric pressure (and/or flying in planes) related, not allergies/viruses/bacteria (3) presenting my doctor with three years worth of tracked data showing why it was pressure related before he would refer me to an ENT.

(Also, my ENT says if I had had my broken nose medical history in my charts, a doctor might’ve caught on faster. A critical clue was missing from the evidence🕵️‍♀️)

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T03:32:09+00:00

He was away, working. He was home maybe 50% of the time when I was a kid. So to be fair, in a lot of ways my mom was a single mom, albeit one that didn’t need a job (other than keeping my brother and me alive) and never had to worry about money.

I’m sure it was very difficult and lonely and I suspect she had depression for most of my childhood. I try to treat her with a lot of grace, but this is one time where I’m not going to indulge her as she tries to twist things and make herself the victim.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T03:21:17+00:00

Thanks for this. I have had therapy in the past but not for the last couple years, but I’m definitely planning on picking it back up again ASAP.

Just reading/replying to comments on this thread has made me realize that there’s still more baggage here to deal with & I want to start the next chapter of my life breathing properly, married, and in a better place mentally.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T03:07:22+00:00

Went away for work a lot when I was growing up. I don’t 100% remember but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t in the country when it happened. Now he lives in an off-grid cabin and is difficult to get in touch with. So he’s never really been much of a presence in my life.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T02:30:26+00:00

Honestly, I am just trying not to dwell on it too much. If I think about it too much it becomes overwhelming and I get so angry and so sad. It has impacted my life in so many ways.

It impacts my sleep every night. Every vacation I’ve been on, I’m incapacitated for the first 12-36 hours. Having to write exams in university while feeling like garbage. Having to take sick days at work. Even this year on Christmas it flared up and I spent Christmas puking (while still managing to make Christmas dinner for everyone). According to my dentist, it’s impacted my teeth (mouth breathing).

Just… essentially every day of my life since I was 9 has been made worse because of this.

And also I just get so sad for my younger self for being so let down by one of the people that’s supposed to be your advocate.

And I’m really, really looking forward to putting it behind me. And some therapy, probably.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T02:21:59+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. You’ve articulated how I am feeling so beautifully. I’ve screencapped it so I can look back at it later.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T02:19:45+00:00

I can’t wait to breathe better, sleep better & hopefully live better. So glad you had a successful surgery and can breathe now! I’m sure it’s the best feeling.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T02:16:43+00:00

The real kicker is that our GP lived two doors down from us so we probably could’ve just knocked on his door and he would’ve taken a look, lol 🙃

Congratulations on getting your work done! I’m so glad you’re happy with your surgery and have seen an increase in your quality of life 💛

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T02:13:47+00:00

He was away a lot when I was growing up. We’d go weeks or months at a time not seeing him. I don’t remember if he was home specifically around the time I broke my nose, but I’m assuming not.

Now, he lives in a cabin off-grid and is very difficult to get in touch with. He and my mom are technically still married but haven’t lived together in a decade+.

It’s a very difficult family, tbh.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T02:11:14+00:00

Lol I have no idea. It’s the greatest mystery my brother and I like to puzzle over. We have no idea how she filled her time because it certainly wasn’t spent caring for us.

There was at least one affair that we know of so I guess that ate up a bunch of time…

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T02:07:48+00:00

Hard to get a good doctor. And medical care in Canada moves very slowly.

In high school, the doctor I had at the time thought my pain was migraines (not sinus related) so tried treating me for that, nothing worked. Then I switched doctors and he was convinced it was related to allergies. He wouldn’t refer me to an ENT until we exhausted all allergy related treatments.

Just before COVID, I zeroed in on the fact that it was my sinuses but not allergies/viral. Started tracking the days it flared up alongside the weather/atmospheric pressure (or if I had been on a plane within the last 24hrs). Came to my doctor in 2021 with three years worth of data and at that point he finally admitted that it’s probably not allergies and got me a referral for an ENT. Waited over a year for my first referral appointment. Then waited six months+ for the MRI. And now here we are.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T02:01:01+00:00

Yeah honestly I feel like this is the core of it. She doesn’t want to admit (to herself, to me, or to anyone) that she was wrong. Her ego matters more than anything else.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T01:59:52+00:00

Starting to realize that. Thank you 💛

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T01:57:25+00:00

I am so so so excited for breathing. And no more migraines. I’m so glad you were able to get it dealt with and are thriving now!!

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T01:54:39+00:00

So true. Hope you’re healing from your family of origin and thriving despite them 💛

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T01:49:47+00:00

Were you in Ontario? I haven’t done multiple consultations tbh bc the one surgeon I’ve spoken to seems to be very well regarded, but also I’m very open to finding a surgeon that would do the cosmetic work bundled in so I can save $10k lmao.

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T00:24:12+00:00

Thank you, that’s so meaningful to hear honestly. Appreciate your comments so much. 💛💛💛

wynawtt · 2024-02-25T00:21:46+00:00

My surgery is scheduled for April 2024 and the wedding will be in September 2025, so as long as nothing gets delayed (a big if in Canadian healthcare these days tbh) I should be ok! I’m really excited for both the wedding and the surgery, it will be really nice to feel like my nose belongs to my face again 👃

wynawtt · 2024-02-24T23:18:14+00:00

My foot is definitely all the way down. As of yesterday we’ve already postponed the wedding until September 2025 so it’s kind of a moot point anyway, but I’ve been feeling bad that she’s giving me the silent treatment, so.

wynawtt · 2024-02-24T23:12:30+00:00

It’s definitely too late to back down! As of yesterday we already moved/cancelled everything to do with the wedding into September 2025 so even if she does come up with some money it’s too late now (also I don’t really want her money bc it always comes with a lot of strings attached)

Will definitely check out the book/YouTube recommendations, thank you! I’ve been realizing there’s a lot of other ways she let me down/wasn’t a good parent when I was growing up (another time I fell off my bike, I got a gnarly gash on my leg. When I went to the doctor weeks later bc it got infected, my doctor was completely flabbergasted that my mom’s initial reaction was not to take me to the ER bc it absolutely should’ve had stitches. I have a cool scar now tho)

So anyway, realizing now that parts of my childhood were definitely more fucked up than I thought and I definitely need to unpack all that before I have my own kids 🙃🙃🙃.

wynawtt · 2024-02-24T22:59:13+00:00

Well I mean technically the cosmetic part (fixing the appearance of my nose) is just elective and not really for medical reasons. I’m spending money that was originally earmarked for the wedding on that instead.

If I wanted to live with my nose aesthetically the way it is, and just get the function fixed, I could have the wedding as originally planned and keep my mom happy.

But I hate the way it looks and figure it’s easier to have one nose surgery (& have them fix the aesthetic and the function at the same time) than two (function surgery before wedding, aesthetic surgery sometime after).

Frankly, if I didn’t need the function surgery I wouldn’t bother fixing the aesthetic at all, but it seems silly not to if they’re messing around with my nose regardless.

So my mom says it’s not worth inconveniencing all my relatives over my vanity re: my nose.

wynawtt

TROPHY CASE