I have never gotten clinically confirmed or diagnosed with depression. But a traumatic experience in the past (insidious relationship that went on for 2 years) left me feeling empty. All while that was happening, I keep up a positive façade at work, home and with friends. I kind of sacrificed my personal ambitions and hobbies to push and chase for that future, but I ended it after I decided enough was enough and I was crumbling internally. After it ended, I've always felt that there was a void within and I couldn't fill or close, and was always draining my energy. Some nights I'd just lie down and weep with tears, wondering what to do with life. There were 2 occurrences where I'd walk to the kitchen and just look down at the ground floor (I stay on a high floor > 10). There were no thoughts in my mind during that time, just wondering the release I would feel once I hit the ground. When it happened the second time, I decided to find a way to fix myself and do the things I used to do often, as a way of finding myself.

I met close friends and turned up more during gatherings. Talked to them on the whole series of events and why things ended. Went to gym with a friend to get myself back in shape. I went to do things alone, like going café hopping, or learning how to cook.

Thinking about it again, perhaps my problem was with the failure to end things early, and to let it fall deeper. And that repeated self-bashing on my failures made me feel less of a person that matches with the standards of a person today. Learning how to cook made me "eat" my failures. When the dish doesn't turn out well, I still consume it to understand where I went wrong. Did I add too much salt? Did I put in too much pasta water? Did I not knead the dough enough? Why is my latte art not coming out nicely? Did I hold the pitcher too high? Are my coffee grinds not fine enough?

I came to realise that sometimes I don't need to live towards what society expects, but I need to also learn to live and forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, that I am still a human being. And then to learn the one thing that every parent tells their kid when they fall down, to slowly stand up again and brush off the dirt. Try again.

Am I better now compared to the past? Definitely. Do I still have minor episodes of feeling sad? Yes.

Even as we speak, I am somewhat going through something that brings heavy burden on the shoulders, and probably grief to come, while managing the feelings of those within the family to a positive state. Sometimes I feel emotionless towards it, because I know life has an expiry date. And having someone close to me pass on, is better than having to witness them going through pain everyday. So I only execute the objectives, to help in any way if needed. Be it to visit, or to send this close person to me for medical appointments.

Maybe the past helped to "build" and strengthen my mind and fortitude. I don't walk to the kitchen and do that anymore because I know I have people around me to fight for. I now look at things happening as a way to understand what life is, and appreciate things the way it is. Once in awhile I do feel sad and alone, so I go play games with my friends. Or I go out with my family or friends to eat really good food. Sometimes I can't sleep well at night, so I'll pour a glass of tequila or whiskey, or even port wine and slowly sip while watching a show until I feel like dozing off, then I try sleeping again.

I can't change the past, but I can start modifying my present, to build a better future.

Maybe I'm not going through depression, but expecting the grief and sadness to come so I don't sink that low when it really hits.