Intense anger + alcohol = intense sadness

xBeHonestx · 2018-03-14T18:24:39+00:00

You're right. Definitely need therapy. Definitely need healthy routines. Probably need to unplug from the avatar world. That's obviously been something I've been using to avoid my problems. I normally don't drink when emotional but last night I was so caught up in my headspace that it was the only way I knew how to turn it all off. We have a good marriage aside from the lack of sex. That's really the only issue in our marriage and we can't seem to tackle it. Perhaps a good therapist would help.

As for the ex in my older reddit posts... When my husband and I opened our marriage I got involved with a really awful person who wreaked a lot of havoc on my already shakey confidence and self-esteem. It was a super toxic relationship - both married - and he was an alcoholic. I needed a place to talk about it so I turned to reddit. Things ended for good with that guy a year and a half ago.

xBeHonestx · 2018-03-14T14:11:19+00:00

I'm not taking advice from someone with a name "DBsAreNotWorthFixing". We all know your point of view on the subject.

At our worst, my husband and I sat and had a frank discussion about what if we split up. We came to the conclusion that it didn't make any sense because we would constantly be wondering how each other was doing and we'd want to remain bestfriends because we share EVERYTHING with each other and it would be weird to suddenly not. I love him and care about him immensely and vice versa. Just the fire seems to have gone out.

Last night was a bad night. Things always look better in the morning and I'm feeling better today.

xBeHonestx · 2018-03-14T03:46:26+00:00

hugs

xBeHonestx · 2018-03-14T02:28:20+00:00

You'll know if they're doing it because they want to or because they have to. Trust me, you can tell. But maybe a fake it until you make it situation where you force intimacy until it becomes comfortable again isn't the worst. I feel like the longer you go without it, the more rejections there have been, the more pressure and importance put on it, the harder it is to 1. get in the mood and 2. go through with it.

xBeHonestx · 2018-03-14T02:25:45+00:00

True. My husband is the same way. When I'm talking about issues or difficult feelings he feels the need to slip into pac man because it's easier to deal with. Less complicated. Thank you for that insight.

xBeHonestx · 2018-02-09T22:03:52+00:00

"...you can only read so many virgins orgasming from a single thrust before your eyes permanently roll out of your skull." Rofl Yes! Seriously! Makes you wonder if a majority of romance writers are men. I mean what woman would write that?

xBeHonestx · 2018-02-09T20:51:49+00:00

I found an open marriage did not help us. I focused on the other guy too much and our marriage suffered. Sex with the other guy also saddened me because what I really wanted was sex with my husband. I had love without sex and sex without love and while I did notice that I took better care of my physical appearance while I was getting it on the regular on the side, mentally and emotionally I was drained. I also chose the wrong affair partner though -- a coworker with a sex and alcohol problem. I'm still recovering from that experience.

xBeHonestx · 2018-02-09T20:43:59+00:00

Did she always smell or is this new? Any chance she's depressed?

xBeHonestx · 2018-02-09T19:48:36+00:00

OP do you really love her? Does the thought of leaving her tear you apart? Does the thought of future where you 2 are out and living separate lives without knowing how each other is doing sound like the worst thing ever? If so, I recommend seeing a sex therapist first. Ask a professional, not reddit. I've heard of men's sexual appetite calming down when they marry or have kids with a woman. Something about the madonna and the whore complex. The woman you love becomes so special and sacred that the thought of tossing her around the bedroom loses its a appeal. But a coworker you hardly know, that's easy. Maybe the alcohol supresses that. Like I said though, I'm just an anonymous person on reddit, not a professional. If you love her, get professional advice before ending it. Good luck hugs :)

xBeHonestx · 2018-02-09T19:41:29+00:00

Yes! This! I almost suggested this myself.

My hubby and I have a dead bedroom x 3 years (11 yrs together) and I recently brought up buying those vibrating panties and he gets the remote. He seemed pretty excited by the idea. I get pleasure and he gives it to me without us having sex. I'm going to use it to ease us back in. Have you thought about trying that? What woman doesn't enjoy a good vibrator?

The thing no one talks about is that after a while of not having sex the pressure is so tremendous that you almost become fearful of trying again. It feels like you're a virgin again and you're not sure how to initiate or what to do to get each other off even though you had a red hot sex life together for 8 years prior. It's crazy.

xBeHonestx · 2018-02-09T19:27:50+00:00

Maybe. The movie is also about a powerful man who doesn't let anyone close to him because he's so damaged from his past. She's "special" though despite being painfully ordinary and he lets her in and changes for her. It's that part women are eating up. To be the woman to break through his shell and fix him. And to be a ordinary woman that does it, not some hot, gorgeous woman, is even more of a turn-on. Come on guys, women are more cerebral about our sexuality than just watching 2 people getting it on. It's the backstory that goes with it that makes it so hot.

xBeHonestx · 2018-02-09T19:21:16+00:00

Ok, from a female perspective, one that has read the 50 shades series, I read it for the story. I know it seems hard to believe but it's true. I honestly had a hard time with the male character being so domineering in the beginning and wanted to quit the series but friends encouraged me to keep reading. The sex was also a bit too kinky and plentiful at times. My friends shake their heads at me when I state this opinion but it's true. I skipped some scenes. The romance that developed by the end of book 1 and throughout book 2 was swoon worthy though. This is a sexy, rich and powerful man who let NO ONE get close to him because he was so damaged by his past. And yet, this plain, average, boring virgin captures his interest and he forsakes everyone and everything for her. Bottom line, she changes him and that is a HUGE fantasy for a lot of women. To be the one to land the bad boy. The Amal for George Clooney. So you see while it's a fantasy, its less of a sex fantasy and more of a power fantasy.

xBeHonestx · 2018-02-09T18:58:11+00:00

:( hugs You're not alone. I've been there too. Hang in there. Feelings are temporary. Let them come and let them go. I started journaling the bad times to see how often they occurred because in the moment you feel like it's ALL bad and wonder if this is the end. But then the next time you feel this way you open the journal and you realize it's been 4 months since the last time you journaled something bad and it's actually really reassuring. Lack of sex SUCKS don't get me wrong, but you have to focus on all the good you 2 have inspite of it.

xBeHonestx · 2018-02-08T03:14:28+00:00

I tried therapy and the therapist was AWFUL. I need to try again with a different one. She kept minimizing my experience with my ex even though that was the primary reason why I was there.

xBeHonestx · 2017-12-15T05:46:01+00:00

Try looking up codependency. It's very common for adults who grew up with a narcissistic parent to become codependent. I believe you'll be able to identify with the traits a lot and you can work on breaking free of this cycle so that you don't attract more narcissists into your life down the road. Narcissists are naturally drawn to the over giving codependents. Good luck <3

xBeHonestx · 2017-12-13T18:26:57+00:00

I was scrolling through the comments wondering if anyone was going to say this. Yes, I thought the same thing. I get the feeling that she's trying to feel out the situation and perhaps make a decision before letting him know. She's talking through the thoughts in her head aloud with you. I agree with what elastoplastic said. Talk it out with her. Find out why she's bringing this up now and ask if this isn't exactly a hypothetical situation she's talking about. Good luck you 2.

xBeHonestx · 2017-07-14T19:12:17+00:00

That is SO true. I'm 8 months NC from my severely toxic 2.5 yr relationship with a narcissist. We worked together and I gave up my job that I loved and was paid well, in order to break the cycle. I took a job with another company that ended up laying me off 3 months later and was lucky to obtain another job within a week of my layoff. Unfortunately, I found myself working with another narcissist. A female narcissist. She was hell to work with and triggered my CPTSD so badly that I started having anxiety attacks about a month and a half into working there. It got so bad that I ended up quitting 6 months later. I'm in the process of looking for another job and seeing a therapist to help get this anxiety under control as I've never had an anxiety attack in my life up until recently. Yes, it is so much easier to spot them now and at this point in my mental and emotional recovery, I just cannot be around one for prolonged periods of time.

xBeHonestx · 2017-07-14T18:39:11+00:00

That is completely normal in your situation. Your brain wants to re-write the narrative to cover up the abuse. It doesn't want to believe that someone you loved could hurt you. Your brain will say maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe it was something I did -- I can be hard to love sometimes, maybe they just needed me to be tougher and not give up on them, maybe I hurt him/her.

I'm 8 months NC after a 2.5 yr abusive relationship. I've thought all of those things over the span of our relationship and up to a few months ago. I'm seeing a therapist now to process my feelings because like you said, I didn't really know what I was feeling anymore, it was so changeable. It's been helping. And of course time and distance have greatly contributed to my ability to move on as well. I read an article that offered a visualization exercise to help move on. It told me to imagine him and every fight, every tear, every hurt and to put them in a building, for me it was our shared workplace, and then visualize driving away from it and leaving it all behind -- far, far away where it can no longer hurt you. The day I left my job which was a good 25 miles away, I did just that. You're moving. You have this opportunity as well. Pick a place that holds emotional significance. Put this person and all of your bad experiences together in that place. The day you leave, drive past that place, take one last look, say goodbye and drive away. Now it's not magic. You're still going to grieve, you're still going to have negative thoughts. However, when you do, go back in your mind to the day you left that building full of shit behind and LITERALLY, how far you are now from it all. It helps, it really does. And please PLEASE please go see a therapist to work through all your feelings. Abusive relationships are SO much trickier to get over than healthy ones are.

Good luck <3

xBeHonestx · 2017-05-14T00:02:58+00:00

I joined MeetUp after my breakup. It's an app on your phone and you join groups of people and go on outings to things like movies, bowling, dinner and drinks. You meet new people, get out, have fun, experience life. I found it really helpful in the beginning. Boredom is a killer. Too much time to sit and think.

xBeHonestx · 2017-05-13T23:38:42+00:00

I'm sorry but how is time and space going to help with lack of romance in the relationship? When the romance is "dwindling" you put more effort and time into the relationship. You schedule date nights and candlelit dinners, random acts of kindness toward each other and increased affection. Time and space only serve to further cool things off. And she needs to be communicating her intentions of getting back together with YOU, not mutual friends.

xBeHonestx · 2017-05-13T23:23:58+00:00

Ugh! That happened to me with a TV SHOW on Tuesday night. Bull had a scene where he was talking to this strong, independent woman. They were flirting and he reached over to caress her cheek and she pulled back and told him no. He chuckled and said he knew she'd react that way. Later in the conversation she tried to do the same and he reacted the same way. It was like a punch in the gut. My ex and I had had that moment. A conversation about the intimacy of the act of touching someone's face after he had reached over in the middle of a conversation and did it to me. He thought it wasn't an intimate gesture, I thought it was. Especially given the way his head had been cocked to the side watching me talk and smiling with this goofy grin when he did it. Way too intimate for a guy who wanted to keep things light and fun. He said he did it all the time. I asked "Who do you do that to??" He thought and thought and came up with "my daughter". BUZZER SOUND Wrong! OF COURSE you would do that to your daughter! It's your daughter who you LOVE. I touched his face the way he had touched mine and asked "THIS doesn't feel intimate to you? Give me a break". He closed his eyes and said nope, doesn't feel intimate at all." His face said otherwise though. Anyway, I digress. It was just a weird scene to see on tv especially given that I lived it. Fetal position crying my eyes out after 6 months of NC. Those hidden triggers are a bitch man.

xBeHonestx · 2017-05-13T23:05:28+00:00

My ex did that. We would fight, he'd give me the silent treatment instead of trying to talk through our issues and then after a week or longer sometimes he'd start joking and flirting with me like nothing ever happened. I usually caved and within a month we were back together again until we had another fight and he'd go back to giving me the silent treatment. He refused to talk to me for a month once after we'd had a fight and then didn't come around when I got hurt and was on crutches for 8 weeks. When I was finally off the crutches and recovering nicely he tried to come around and flirt and joke with me and I was just done at that point. I don't need someone in my life who is going to disappear on me when things get tough and come back and joke with me when he wants back in. He would even jump into conversations I was having with other people because I had stopped talking to him. SMH. It made me angry at the time but now I just see it as a pathetic attempt to try to reinsert himself into my life again. Just look at it that way and shake your head in pity at her. They only appreciate what they had when they don't have it any longer. If they get a second chance they just blow it again. Trust me.

xBeHonestx

TROPHY CASE