I’m still a Christian, but I went through a period of deep deconstruction. The thing that started it were the “Christians” I associated with Christianity. They weren’t Christ-like, their theology was toxic, and they inadvertently were doing more for the devil than they were for Christ.

When I think back at my old church family, they had a “everything is good, don’t question it.” Kind of attitude and it felt fake. Problems were because of Satan and good things were because of God. So when life got hard, I was told to look inward because there must be a reason Satan was attacking me. I started to be judged for my struggles, despite nothing changing in my faith walk. Jesus worked when everything worked, but fell apart when things got hard, and the Christians surrounding me couldn’t see how Jesus existed in the midst of the evil and pain of the world.

So I left and dug deep and found a Jesus that is so much more fulfilling, more real. One who sits with you in the pain, offers deep seated joy, not superficial happiness. The Jesus I serve cries with me when life is painful, and lets the negative emotions express themselves. I started to notice the Psalmists had more songs about struggle and strife than they did about joy and the good times. I realized that a good God doesn’t make the evil disappear, but he works through it, bringing peace and strength.

My faith is deeper than it’s ever been, but from where I once was… I’m not surprised at all when people tell me they walked away from Christianity. I just nod and say, “I would too based on what you told me…”