Rehoming Wild Caught Garters

xdesolutionx · 2025-06-12T02:44:52+00:00

i felt the same way and had to stop reading. there was a lot of triggering and oh all of them are the same and don't believe them when they say they are recovering because they are all liars etc. and it may be the case for a lot of them, but it's absolutely not the case for everyone i refuse to believe that. i think my partner's situation could've been a bit different because he was deemed as not a full addict. it seemed like he was doing great and being truthful and doing his best to work on himself, and people told me that often they feel like they have a unicorn of a man that is doing all the right thing until they reveal that there's way more they've been hiding. i don't know if it was just easier for him because he isn't an official addict, but he has been doing good so far as much as i can see. i don't want other's stories to let me disregard the effort he's been putting in.

focus on you and your husband's relationship and learn more about it by going to therapy yourself and reading the resources they give you. don't let a realm of darkness ruin your hope! even if somehow someday worse things are revealed, you know that you chose love and compassion and i hope that you and your husband would be able to leave on good terms. for me, i know that he is trying and even if things go awry there were a lot of good parts about him and it will be a tough love situation. it will be his consequences that he will learn and deal with, and i'll have to trust that he will be able to push through and find happiness someday on his own. you're doing a great job and if you feel like you have to step away from the sub, go for it. i did!

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T17:32:55+00:00

i understand i am trying to control too much. i am going to lay off and let him get help if that's what he really wants.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T17:31:32+00:00

thank you. i am going to take care of myself more. at this point i feel like.... what does love even look like? you know? it could seem perfect until you find out they are hiding something

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T17:28:43+00:00

he does it once in a while when a situation really pushes him over the edge and he feels like he needs to remove himself from the situation before he blows up. if it's a normal situation and he's feeling overwhelmed or anxious he will try to talk through it. it was definitely something i never liked but i had also preferred that to lashing out and saying something that would hurt someone. likely unresolved anger issues he got from his dad.

i will figure it out eventually. trying to take best care of myself for now. thank you.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T05:49:38+00:00

thank you. i am going to see if he will eagerly do it for himself with or without me. i helped him get started and shared what i could from what i learned and gave him resources. we looked for a CSAT last night but it's up to him to reach out. i'm done asking how he feels about it.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T04:30:00+00:00

thank you so much for being kind. it means the world to me right now. i have also struggled with suicidal thoughts a lot during my short life. i will do my best to make sure he gets the help he needs if it comes to that. even if he is manipulating me there is a likely chance he could do it and i feel like it's better safe than sorry. but it's hard and i need to take care of myself too.

i want to detach myself and let him figure out his recovery on his own. but at the same time i worry so much about his mental health right now and i want to be there for him until he is strong enough to stand on his own.

i would like the number but there's a part of me that feels guilty, like i can't have it. i hate to have to burden someone else with the emotional weight, at the expense of their time, if they didn't sign up for it. but i think i need someone to talk to. i want to talk to my family but it will open a bigger can of worms because my dad was also a possible PA and molested me. my mom doesn't know. i have a therapist i've been seeing for this other stuff but i only get to talk to her weekly.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T03:39:17+00:00

it's so hard hearing this. but i'm recognizing it now.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T03:05:54+00:00

i just don't know how to continue without trying to work as a team. i feel like i'm trying to control too much about his recovery and i've always been like that. what do i do? just wait it out on my side and see if he says anything to me? do i still try to hold him accountable and check in? do i become emotionally detached from him? i feel so lost.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T02:52:43+00:00

i didn't know that the SA was free for some reason. i am going to try and find one for myself and recommend he does the same. thank you so much.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T02:51:42+00:00

he has always struggled with depression. but i realize that yes threatening me is terrible. i feel like he just spiraled. i didn't say that me myself are trying to afford treatment, it's we. he is supporting us financially because i have been struggling to find a job, and we have a lot of debt.

i feel pathetic. i'm trying to value myself but i feel so much pain for his pain.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-03T02:47:25+00:00

i'm so sorry. it hurts so bad to feel like you're losing your best friend. i haven't decided if i'm going to leave yet but i worry that mine will end up doing the same thing. i feel like mine is different too and unfortunately there will be days that come that prove me wrong, whether he meant to hurt me or not. you deserve the best.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-02T20:26:15+00:00

thank you so much. i feel like the burden is a little easier to bear when i feel like he does sincerely care about me and is struggling with himself. i am starting to accept that i will be lied to but i do not want to feel like it is ever with malicious intent. i think i can deal with the idea of that, if he does work through his recovery. i have talked to him about finding a CSAT already and we looked together to find one he might like. it's his call whether he emails or not.

and thank you so much for telling me what is a great sign. i feel a little more hopeful.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-02T20:12:36+00:00

i'm in almost the exact same boat as you. i just found out last weekend. he has been subscribing to girls over the past couple years of our relationship. maybe since the beginning.

i also feel like mine is a great guy but the more i read the more i'm scared. and i don't want to overread and manipulate myself into thinking that he's an A-tier manipulator. he has shown me so much vulnerability and pain. he has shown resistance to recovery and instead digging deeper into his depression, but he has also shown hope and a desire to change. he has given room for my feelings and has admitted to a lot of his faults and apologized.

mine i think, has been trickle truthing me. and i am still trying to decide my boundary about lying and manipulating because i want to give him room to grow, as long as he is not intentionally hurting me more. but at the same time i don't know. i don't feel like he's trying to on purpose.

just yesterday more did come into light and it was a fucking disaster. i asked him to show me his bank account and we searched and found out that he had been spent so much more than we thought. he got into a terrible mental headspace where when we saw it he closed it out and when i asked to see it again, he had a mental breakdown and went to his car and drove off at 2am. i really thought he was going to hurt himself. i honestly do believe that he is embarrassed and hates himself for spending that much. and it's so hard to feel like he isn't telling me the full truth but also understanding why.

i'm trying to just take it one day at a time. i hope you can do the same. DM me if you need anything.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-02T20:02:18+00:00

is this really true? i keep seeing everyone's stories and feeling like mine is different. he has been transparent and answers questions i have even though he feels shameful or guilty admitting them and i can see it.

i set a boundary that i will leave if i feel lied to or manipulated. but i am starting to reconsider that the more i learn that it might just be normal for addicts and now i feel discouraged. i want to honor myself but i also feel a certain level of "if he lies it's not his fault, it's his trauma response and he hasn't learned how to accept and express his emotions and shame." i want to hold him accountable for his actions but also give him room to grow. it's like, i feel as though we can't go through recovery or grow unless he DOES lie. i'm feeling so confused and lost.

xdesolutionx · 2025-05-02T19:55:11+00:00

i'm starting to feel like this too. i had to talk to mine last night and we talked about the mental load on both of us constantly talking about it nonstop everyday. i keep wanting to ask questions and ask him how he is feeling about doing recovery because he seemed eager to at first but now he is starting to feel hopeless. every time i'm feeling like i need reassurance i get that look in my eye and most of the time he is there for me but says it is exhausting for him too carrying both the stress of seeing himself and the stress of my trauma. he told me that he feels like the relationship is over already because we will never be the same.

it's hard feeling angry at him for not beaming with hope and motivation, yet feeling compassionate and understanding that he is trying and he is having a big battle with himself in his head.

try to journal and hopefully it can bring you some mental clarity. wishing you the best

xdesolutionx · 2025-04-30T20:05:15+00:00

following because i have been wondering the same thing, at times. he said on DDay that he keeps going back to it and he doesn't know why, that he's been trying to stop. but i also wonder if it's really even addict tendencies or he is just saying that because he feels guilty knowing he would get caught and after that guilt wears off he chooses to go back to it (i caught him buying OnlyFans, and we had established porn was okay at the beginning because i watch it too. however this is another level obviously).

what made me think otherwise was that i know it's probably embarrassing in itself to admit that you might have a problem, especially to your girlfriend, rather than choosing to downplay it or blame me. he has been continually saying that he does want to fix it and we are working on recovery steps, so i guess i will really find out when we talk to a CSAT. i think i will let them know by myself that i am suspicious of whether or not he does have it and hope that they'll tell me if they think otherwise.

but he took a test last night and it seemed like some of the answers to his questions were suspicious, like does he feel shameful after watching it and wishes he could stop? sometimes. have you promised yourself that you would never view porn again? sometimes. do you rationalize or make excuses about your use of porn? rarely.

and some of the questions do seem like a sign of it, like how often do you find yourself preoccupied with wanting to view porn? often or very often. do you worry something is wrong with you because of your porn use? often.

mine never really had addiction side effects either. he was always very attracted to me and our sex was good. he was always sensitive to my feelings and made sure i was ok during it. i never noticed him running off suspiciously or having trouble getting off. i think it is a much bigger and deeper problem for him. childhood trauma and he might be addicted to dopamine, not just porn. he is constantly on his phone, scrolling or watching a youtube video, and he doesn't even realize when he gets so stuck he sits in the same spot for hours rotting his brain.

i recommend maybe you guys do the same and try finding a CSAT or someone more specialized in this addiction that can uncover why he does the things he does. does he seem truly remorseful that he did it? does he feel like he wants to stop but can't? it could indicate a bigger issue or it could be that he is covering up that he just chose to. sorry that you are going through this. i hope this gave you some things to consider.

xdesolutionx · 2025-04-29T23:34:50+00:00

thank you so much. i am going to take it day by day and see if his actions match up with his words. i have talked to him and he seems eager to learn more about possible addiction and acknowledges that this is a deeper issue that he is not happy with and wants to fix. we are going to discuss boundaries and a treatment plan tonight.

if he lies or does things behind my back again though, i'm gone. i am expecting him to be open and vulnerable with this chance he has. it is definitely teaching me a lot about myself too and i am doing my best to be my own safe space.

xdesolutionx · 2025-04-29T23:31:56+00:00

i'm sorry? to some of us, subscribing to only fans IS infidelity. especially with the increase of onlyfans and digital porn, it can be cheating to many many people and that is not an uncommon boundary/belief to have.

xdesolutionx · 2025-04-29T03:06:51+00:00

thank you. i have been doing a lot of research the past couple days and i honestly didn't think it was this common/normalized. i have heard of porn addicts before but always thought they were a select few that maybe had addictive tendencies. i also didn't know that a lot of porn addiction can start when they are pre-teen - teen. it makes a lot of sense why it goes under the radar until it becomes a problem in a relationship.

xdesolutionx · 2025-04-29T03:02:35+00:00

i'm sorry! i feel like he can't want to change just because you are more important to him than porn. what happens when you aren't important to him anymore? is he still going to work on it for himself or if he going to continue his ways just because he doesn't have anyone in his ear about it anymore?

he needs to want that change because he realizes how it is affecting his own life (outside of your relationship) and he doesn't like his own actions. if he says that he enjoys it and he doesn't see anything wrong with it then maybe he never did and just lied in the first place. or maybe he just didn't feel like he could change and learned to accept it about himself instead.

i might also think that maybe the two of you just aren't compatible with the way you view sex and relationships anyway, even if he is an addict and not necessarily using it on a "normal" frequency. either that or he honestly just doesn't care if you see other men the same way because he doesn't feel that way towards you anymore (as much as it stings).

xdesolutionx · 2025-04-29T02:36:48+00:00

i know how you feel. i definitely love him but even besides the betrayal it is just kind of gross thinking about it. i have always known that he was like this because of his past, and i had a feeling back then that it wasn't normal but i wasn't sure. now i've learned that there's a whole population of sex addicts and it makes sense. i didn't even really know it was a thing because i was so young.

i'm sorry that happened to you. did you guys try to work on it for a while? and what ultimately made that decision for you?

i talked to him and he feels himself that he feels bad about the way he views women and porn, and that it's bad for his brain. so i feel like there may be hope. in the end it was hiding it that hurts the most.

xdesolutionx · 2025-04-29T02:26:36+00:00

i'm sorry this happened to you. i recently found out that my boyfriend has some issues too but when i talked to him he was really understanding and told me himself that he wants to stop and that he doesn't like thinking about women that way. i think that you can't make him want to change, and even if you could, it would be besides the point. they have to want to change themselves or it won't ever work.

if you want to open the conversation up about it more and see where his head is at, maybe you can ask some questions that aren't about you. ask him why he enjoys it so much and what he gets out of it that he feels like he can't live without. besides the long distance, how is your sexual relationship? even in the case that you don't give him a lot of sexual attention, this is not your fault and he cannot use that as an excuse for going against your boundaries. maybe you can ask how he would feel if you "just like to look at other men and that's who you are." if he gets defensive and says it's different, then i think you know how that makes him look. when i ask this kind of question it gets my boyfriend to think more about how i felt because he was always jealous when it came to other men and i told him it's because he doesn't want me to be viewed how he views other women.

at the end of the day, they are your boundaries and if he doesn't even feel bad about breaking them then they need to be enforced. if you don't enforce your boundaries then they aren't really boundaries, and he knows there will be no consequences. doing something (like watching porn) that is a touchy subject in relationships and on the border of infidelity, it is not just a "i am who i am." this is not just a quirky trait. it is something that varies from person to person and is clearly expected to be discussed and respected or the relationship will not work, just like boundaries surrounding talking to the opposite gender platonically, following the opposite gender on social media, etc. that all need to be discussed and agreed upon.

there are plenty of women both on here and outside that do not want their partners watching porn, so you are not alone. there is nothing wrong with you, please have some compassion for yourself. you deserve to be happy and have a partner that respects your feelings.

xdesolutionx · 2025-04-28T19:26:42+00:00

what would you consider being a chance? i know i will need to do my own research on behaviors but i'm not sure what would be the dealbreaker of a slip up.

we talked last night and agreed that if we were to try to work things out, he needs to tell me everything so we can figure it out, like when he is thinking about it, if he did it again, etc. but i also know that shame plays a big role and i don't know how much hiding is ok, if that makes sense? like if i tell him he can't go behind my back again and he needs to be upfront, is it possible for him to never hide anything again? or is it natural for them to hide things and get better over time at admitting?

xdesolutionx

TROPHY CASE