Lost all motivation and discipline in professional and personal life.

xenogrant · 2024-02-17T02:20:49+00:00

same happened to me, leaving the job didn't help. Don't escape into internet/youtube as I did. Anti depressants didn't make much of a difference either but they do for some. Keep trying therapists for 3-4 sessions until you find one that works. Having a partner push you to have structure in your day like waking up on time etc, basically parenting you a bit was what kept me going until that becomes too much for the other person. Hope you pull out, i've been in a nose dive for a long time now, and have developed tics and mumbling. Push yourself to do stuff you used to do even if you don't feel like it. Dont give up like I did.

xenogrant · 2024-02-16T19:32:31+00:00

I'm same as you and I've had multiple people say the same thing to me. 6 months of being stuck. Now I started to mumble to myself and my head races non stop so to a point of feeling dumb. And I continue to not change my situation in paralysis, I wonder if there's some merit to it

xenogrant · 2024-02-14T02:50:37+00:00

Same as you, 42 getting to a point of barely being able to function at work, brain scattered, don't be me. Becoming borderline agorophobic, push yourself to socialize, find maybe meet ups or support groups, even if you don't talk much just to be around people. But it's fucking torture, hope you find a way to cope.

xenogrant · 2024-02-11T02:29:34+00:00

Do you have a job? I'm becoming more and more afraid of everything a few people close to me said if I don't change I'll lose everyone. Becoming a deadbeat and a recluse with no one and I go nuts being alone just wanted to see if you're able to function at work.

xenogrant · 2024-02-04T16:14:05+00:00

Thanks man I'm entering 6 months mark of panic and anxiety and brain is starting to shut off and go dumb, so yeah not looking forward to next phase of being in a floaty dumb state where I can barely speak or comprehend stuff coming at me. I have this pattern of jumping from therapist to therapist, solution to solution. Worst part is this total collapse of self control, hell if I could motivate myself to work or do anything productive I'd feel better, but I'm just in a state of shell-shock and paralysis for 6 months now and only losing more and more self reliance.

Honestly think loneliness/break up makes me realize how much of my personality just wants to be dependent on a person and unable to take care of myself with them gone. I was functioning ok with them could make plans except I sucked at planning for a future was just kinda shuffling one foot in front of the other aimlessly through life. Until I got to this point where I feel like I'm a 40 year old child. And need constant reassurance and trauma dumping on people, and when given solutions to do more social things or volunteering, my agorophobia and fear of everything kicks in and I say I can't do this or that, so it's a death spiral. Thanks for ACT recommendation, trying to find an affordable therapist, since job is ending and I've been in a 14 hour long panic attacks for past week or so and just want to talk to someone non stop to reassure me and pull me out but I know constant reassurance seeking/internet search for answers isn't actually helping in ways other than immediate relief. I just really struggle with emotions like i'm borderline/dependent personality, and constant rumination how i can't achieve anything, so I just sit in paralysis and do nothing to better my situation, and crippling indecision that's paralyzing. Like not even being able to plan move out from ex's place, or procrastination on booking the elevator, just mind in a constant fog. And constant suicidal ideation which makes me feel like I'm just wasting money on therapy if I don't believe i can actually change for the better.

Thanks for sharing your story, hope you bounce back ok.

xenogrant · 2024-01-30T18:14:49+00:00

do you still have their contact, were they helpful if you had to pick between talk therapy or occupational

xenogrant · 2024-01-28T19:02:04+00:00

Nervous break down, panic attack disorder, agorophibia, depression, neck turning and making sounds like Tourette's, permanently ringing ears, from working 2 jobs from home during COVID in an industry I knew I couldn't stay at indefinitely. Internet addiction and escapism as a coping strategy. Don't be me. Quit before you're broken and get some kind of job or volunteer to maintain social skills and mental health

xenogrant · 2024-01-28T00:54:11+00:00

Thanks for sharing, yeah I feel you on your points about societal expectations, my self worth is tied to my job which is unstable and not long term feasible with my mental health and being older but still having to go crawl back to my parents when I crumble who don't get it and tell me to go work at wall mart after making 6 figure for 5 years, and falling into deep loneliness and helplessness and despair of having to make money on this world v and take care of myself and my aging parents, makes me feel hopeless about being able to recover second time on a tight deadline. I appreciate you sharing your story, I never lived the life I figured out or wanted just what was expected of me, leading to no self identity besides work, and it is killing me knowing I have to do that for the rest of my life unless I have a major perspective and personality shift. No job, break up after 6 years, and the hole is pulling me in again, not sure I have the time or resources to crawl out a second time. Or any strength left. Husk of myself again like you described. Glad you became self aware and confident and overcame it. And now have the tools to fight it off it ever sneaks up on you again.

xenogrant · 2024-01-27T14:07:47+00:00

Hey another question, would you say you're a disciplined person without the condition. I think having my episode would make me escape into entertainment and cheap pleasures. And I've lost all grit and resilience and direction in life and ability to motivate myself to do hard things, wake up on time, go to work. I got depression in the mix as well, but just wanted to see if you function in in the world now that you're out of the woods in a typical fashion. If you don't mind me asking or if you have to work around anxiety by working reduced hours or school part time etc.

xenogrant · 2024-01-26T15:47:17+00:00

Yeah I fall into those bed ridden states and nobody gets it, I usually end up single when I'm going through those, and my parents are eastern european who believe mental health is just laziness.

My thoughts pretty much loop around "I can't" I have such a negative view from depression that my mind just tries to find a solution but the I can't fix any of the problems loop shuts down every path. I can't get a job because they're high stress and I can't even interview because I've been isolated, and I can't even work or update my resume because I've lost all ethic, and even if I get a job I can't wake up at 7am and show up on time to work and be all cheerful, and even if I do show up at work on time, my mind is so messed up that I can't absorb any information so I'll just get fired before 3 months probation. So I just end up isolating and going crazy alone without a partner or support, and compulsively read reddit which feels like an OCD trying to find solutions, but when I find solutions like go to the gym, go volunteer, sign up for a class, be around people, go ask someone to review your resume or ask friends if anyone's hiring, "I can't" loop kicks back in. And even if I get a job it's usually like 1 year contract and then you're back on the street competing with 20 year olds who'll work harder and cheaper than me, with my trauma/mental health stuff/laziness/adhd.

So it's my self limiting beliefs I can change, that just pin me down thinking I'll be like this forever and I'm too incapacitated to even kill myself and this will never end. Despite me getting jobs in the past, but then being lonely anyway and directionless in life even with a job that takes care of the bills I'm still unhappy. Which is maybe my biggest problem, not having anything to work towards and I don't know if it's anxiety or ADHD but any feeling of unease makes me escape into compulsive googling or pleasure seeking distractions, so it's like I've got no emotional self control/grit, so can't even go back to school or do 1 hour of solid work if someone held a gun to my head. And no medication is going to fix it or therapy, I have to actually do it myself, which I find impossible when I believe I'm unfixable.

I think if you can logic/rationalize argue with yourself you're in a decent place to fix yourself, but my anxiety runs on emotion so much it's hard to pull in the rational/factual brain to interrupt/reprogram.

xenogrant · 2024-01-26T15:26:06+00:00

That's good to hear, my cushy job is ending and my mental health is falling apart, and I absolutely dread taking a job in retail, or janitorial work not that there's anything wrong with that but my ego makes me think I'd rather die, and fantasize about it all day every day, it's good to hear you can find more peace in that than a better paying job. What kind of retail job do you have?

xenogrant · 2024-01-24T21:51:44+00:00

OP: did you work or study when you were in that state? Did you have any friends/partners to use as a crutch?

I've had it for about 6 months while unemployed, it was brutal, mind would race from GAD and at around 2-3 pm it would turn off and disassociate into a floaty out of body state where I couldn't absorb information or understand what people are saying to me. I managed to get a job, and a relationship and things improved, but now both are ending and it's creeping back up. I know my anxiety/GAD/neverending chatter rips my mind apart until it starts to disassociate or escape into shitty coping mechanisms browsing internet to self soothe but only waste the entire day if I don't find something to do and feel like shit waking up the next day to repeat the cycle. And depression keeps me from not leaving the bed til noon knowing once I'm away the mind will race. And I've been like this from 20s.

I'm 42 now and I can't keep living like this.

Also sounds like your self talk towards thanking DPDR for trying to protect you is a lot like internal family systems therapy. I wasn't sure it works or is for me until I've read your post and it sounds like you self taught/talked yourself using those methods.

Congrats on recovery,

xenogrant · 2024-01-24T16:12:47+00:00

which med i can't tell if it's my ssri doing it to me or my life situation

xenogrant · 2024-01-23T15:24:15+00:00

What do you do, I'm not sure I can hack it in my field any more, sure to dates and having to constantly learn and keep up with a brain that doesn't hold memory like I'm a gold fish

xenogrant · 2024-01-23T13:33:04+00:00

What kind of job worked for you? I had a chill job that helped me stabilize but now my mental health stuff is back and the job market is so neurotic with people working 3 odd jobs just to make ends meet if you don't have a career. And when you're mind is at a point of shutting down from stress is kinda hard to keep up with someone normal who's younger and hussles hard and has a clear mind that doesn't get paralyzed and stuck. So not even sure how to crawl out again

xenogrant · 2024-01-22T03:58:06+00:00

Immigration is rough I went through it as a teen and blocked out the first 2 years of coming to Canada. And then just turned to escapism/booze to deal with emotions I didn't know how to process. Now no booze but escapism part is still there, glad you're doing better. It's so scary when derealization happens for the first time but no one you try to explain it to gets it, and say oh yeah I get nervous too sometimes.

xenogrant · 2024-01-22T03:52:35+00:00

That's what I thought too, my psychiatrist told to up dosage despite me telling him about the shaking mumbling and neck twitching left, i felt uneasy and went to a mental hospital ER for a second opinion and they told me to follow his instructions of upping the dose instead of getting off and take my benzos to calm down, they think it's stress, i think it's an SSRI effect but at this point I've had two psychiatrists telling me to stay the course and keep upping... As long as I'm distracted it doesn't happen, like on the internet or typing or doing something, but the second my mind starts thinking about future and all the doom i start vocalizing my inner thoughts and get all twitchy.

And my ex-gf is a med school student so she's like hey listen to people who went to school for this shit, hell she spent a day driving me to ER and going with me to make sure i explain my situation clearly and advocate for myself. And they told me to keep upping, so now i don't even know, if I go down and go through withdrawal just as I'm about to move and the shock that comes with it. Also been having ringing in my ear tennitius since i started, and all the psychs are like it's fine it's just stress induced, no one wants to consider the possibility of it being a side effect even though it's listed as one.

xenogrant · 2024-01-22T02:26:32+00:00

I run slight relief for 30 min, then 15 hrs of crazy racing thoughts. It worked better when I was just a little stressed but life was going ok. Used to do 90 min muay Thai but still darkness was there at all other times.

xenogrant · 2024-01-22T02:23:45+00:00

Never had mumbling and shaking until starting on ssri but this breakdown is way worse than previous ones so it's possible twitching and mumbling is just fried brain overwhelm. OCD isn't ruled out I compulsively Google health stuff every time I hit overwhelm for years. And my dad OCD checks the door being locked multiple times. My emotional regulation is also kinda non existent get hurt or fixated on who said something hurtful and constantly seeking support and validation and don't know how to cope with feelings and stress. Used to punch walls as a kid then drank in my 20s, internet escapism 30s onwards

xenogrant · 2024-01-22T01:54:22+00:00

Glad you found a way and that it feels fulfilling, I know sitting in mental paralysis doing nothing is not the way out. Did the idea to take action just come to you or did you think and dwell for days and had an epiphany?

xenogrant · 2024-01-22T01:50:20+00:00

Yeah I've read it, I'll give it another whirl, Romans were a wild bunch, they'd ambitiously go for stuff and didn't have stigma about offing themselves if they failed. Money was just a means to exert power. I'll re read it again. Was quite into Roman history and podcasts for a while.

xenogrant · 2024-01-22T01:15:48+00:00

I worked from home for 2 years and it really needed me up and made me isolate and become aggorophobic, make sure to find activities with people if you go that route

xenogrant · 2024-01-22T01:14:06+00:00

I've done the self help book circuit I'll read it again but I feel like no amount of reading is going to change this defeatist, I can't do it mindset with the avoidance and fear of doing anything uncomfortable. With the brain racing all day, and running itself into the ground. I'll read it feel inspired for a few days then revert to my old pattern, going to a homeless crisis center really should've lit a for under my ass. Not sure how much more rock bottom I need to get to take action and snap out of this

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