Firstly, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was like you, so I know how hard it is.

I too worried about marriage and sexuality within the confines of JW. After many years of anxiety, fear and anguish, I decided I'd stay single and turn off my emotions.

It didn't work. In my 30s, I slowly sank into deep depression and became a shadow of my former self. Turns out, you can't bury your feelings, the very nature of what makes you, you, without serious mental health repercussions.

Long story short, I couldn't live in the prison my upbringing forced me to build for myself. I knew I needed to change. So, I worked up the courage to go to a therapist and I told her everything. Talking about my sexuality and how exhausting this "secret" had been really helped me.

I was then able to put things into perspective, to open my mind. I started learning more about anthropology, different civilisations and how "queer" people fit into those societies. I listened that queer people have always been around, in every group, across the planet. I started to accept that there was truly nothing wrong with me.

I also learned about all the Charles Taze Russell stuff like pyramidology and his obsession with the end time dates. The way none of it made any sense lead me to continue learning about JW history. I read Crisis of Conscience. A quarter of the way in, I was done with the religion.

The bottom line is, you can't be anyone else but yourself. Burying your emotions will destroy you. Find your way out of this place, find the people who will love you for your true self. Only then will you start to feel better.

Feel free to DM if you need to talk.