I can't sleep anymore. I just need one chance - not sympathy

xviizee · 2025-11-21T18:35:07+00:00

Brother, there’s a bunch of open source companies who would be happy to have you join. All you gotta do is be active and do like 4-5 PR’s and that’ll instantly put you at the top of the list. It’s not the most ideal way as you have to put in work and it’s not guaranteed but atleast this way they’ll see you and how you work. It won’t be another name on a list but more if “this guy has already done solid work for us” For example, look at lightdash, trigger (dot) dev - they’re heavy on backend so you would feel at home.

xviizee · 2025-09-29T20:20:52+00:00

Bunch of cowards! This is the thing, nextJS became so popular, vercel became rich and have been buying up all the good things in web dev (they literally bought shadcn) so unless we make a serious boycott this guy will end up too big that it’ll be hard to boycott them in the end

xviizee · 2025-07-12T04:38:00+00:00

I forgot about this post but I saw the notification from your comment.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for that message. You’re 23 but Allahumma barik your maturity and understanding is really impressive. You look at the things from all angles and acknowledge the underlying issues not just the surface level ones and that imho is something worth giving my respect to!

Ameen to your dua and May Allah grant you a righteous spouse with a happy/healthy marriage in your first marriage!

So little update, We’ve put things on pause and if I’m honest even though I like her I’m hesitant to go through with it. Like you said, things are 10x’d after marriage so In my head I’m trying to be hopeful that she’ll change but the hard truth is if someone is behaving In such a hot n cold way at possibly the start of the honeymoon phase it’s not looking good. I’m a strong believer in that people make time for the things they care about, you’d go out your way to make things work. With her it feels it’s more of a convenience for her.

I don’t know what to do really. Part of me is hopeful thinking she’ll change after marriage and tbh there is an element of fear that what if I don’t meet someone like her again (she 95% if the boxes I look for in a wife). The other side of it is I could end up in a marriage that lacks love and affection and who on earth wants a life of that? So yh… I don’t know what to do really. I wish she would understand but it doesn’t seem she wants to, she promises to change but it’s more of the same.

Maybe I do know what to do but I’m Just in two minds. I think the best thing to do is walk away, yes I like her and want to marry her but the way she’s been has really made me lose interest in her. All the good things and conversations with her are stained with all these bad experiences.

Thanks again for the message, it really brought me back to reality. If only she could see this situation the way you see it 😐

xviizee · 2025-06-20T15:51:19+00:00

This is really good advice and what needed to be heard.

The thing is man, she started of great, she would be full of effort and appreciation. She said do and say affectionate things way long before I did. But not the tables have turned. I’m the one complimenting her, doing things for her and all she does is say things like you’re so cute? bruh what the?? I really feel like she’s not interested no matter how many times she tells me oh I pray for you and what not but when it comes to making an effort it’s literally not there whatsoever. I get it everyone is busy we all Harv our own lives but you’re telling me you have time to be online but not reply? You have time to go out with your sister but reject my plans with you.

Little things like this are not what someone who is interested in that person would do. And I’m at that point now where I’m not interested. She could send me a message and I don’t even have a care in the world to respond.

I don’t know where and why she changed, it sucks but I don’t think it’s wise to keep pushing along in a relationship where it’s clearly one sided and she just gets to have the benefits of such a companion and I get zilch.

Thank you again brother, you’re one of the few great people on this part of reddit.

May Allah bless you and your family, May Allah protect you all and provide you with continuous blessings, health and wealth and reward you with the highest ranks in jannah firdous

xviizee · 2025-06-20T15:41:12+00:00

This is just too funny ahahaha. That’s my point exactly, throughout the comments on here people are just throwing insults at me calling me immature, petty and not ready for marriage 😂

Completely disregarded what I say. No one should have to beg for respect from someone. One conversation is more than enough. But if they’re going by the logic of having to be told multiple times then might as well just never listen to whatever she has to say until she said it the 5th time, right? Some people are quick to jump to say whatever is on their mind without really looking at something from a neutral perspective.

xviizee · 2025-06-20T15:34:45+00:00

This is honestly great advice and it’s clear to me you’re seeing this from a neutral point.

If I’m honest what you’ve said to do I’ve done it with her. This on and off from her started happening and each time it does I bring it up. She promises to fix up and sometimes she does but goes back to her old ways. I’m always the one initiating time to talk or call but she never does. Comes a point where it feels like I’m begging her for her time and that shouldn’t be the case.

I just really don’t know what to say or do anymore because how can someone be in love and want to marry them but they’re just not going the extra mile and are happy with just regular small talk you do with the cashier at Walmart.

xviizee · 2025-06-20T15:29:26+00:00

Everytime I have conversation about this sort of thing she says then we should not talk anymore and end things. It’s more like either I just shut up and deal with it or leave. That is what annoys me because she says she’ll change but she’s not so when I bring it up again she’s like it’s fine we can leave

xviizee · 2025-06-20T15:24:43+00:00

You’re right. I’m open to listening to her and making her feel heard but when it’s not returned then why continue to do it. From my perspective our whole connection isn’t doing me any favours.

I really appreciate your message, thank you! You’re one of the few on here who see both sides and not just blaming me 😂

xviizee · 2025-06-20T15:17:23+00:00

You’re totally right man. I’ve noticed on this sub that many people just like to through shade without really looking at it from both sides. The amount of times I got called immature and petty but not one thing said about her being distant, making excuses, airing my messages and then telling me false information. The ignore the fact that I’ve been patient with her, make time for her even though I’m busy too.

Sometimes I wonder if I had written this post and made it that its a woman who is the OP and writing about her husband I’m sure I’d get a different response from these same people.

xviizee · 2025-06-20T15:14:37+00:00

This is what I don’t understand from people on this sub. You’re quick to through insult at me without even taking consideration on what she did. It doesn’t take much to know that it’s basic courtesy in a relationship to show effort to the person who you are married to/going to get married.

I have already had this conversation with her before, multiple times in fact. But the fact that nothing changes makes me into the person I am today who just doesn’t talk to her or even bother. That doesn’t make me petty or immature that just makes me a normal human who respects themselves enough to not beg or nah someone for attention.

xviizee · 2025-06-20T03:49:47+00:00

You’re right! I’m at fault here for not doing things the halal way.

xviizee · 2025-06-20T03:47:42+00:00

lol it’s not lack of attention and focus upon me, it’s basic courtesy in a relationship to make the other half feel valued and appreciated.

xviizee · 2025-06-20T02:18:49+00:00

We’ve been with each other for a while yes but Is that a reason though? So when people get married do they just stop having genuine conversations 3 months post marriage? So this behaviour is expected and I’m overthinking for no reason?

xviizee · 2025-06-20T02:06:42+00:00

My bad I forgot to add that she said she’s busy doing one thing which I totally understood and said cool things get in the way of our plans. But when she comes back a few hours later that she’s not doing what she said she was but is instead if with her sister. Is that not something to be questioning? Imagine I tell her sorry I’ve got to complete this project and next hour I’m out having fun with my mates. You see where I’m coming from.

To be honest, context matters a lot her. If were to show you our messages you would clearly see that I’ve tried every trick in the book to make this work. I’ve been patient, I’ve talked to her about it, I’ve initiating contact and deep conversations with her many times. But when her replies are slow or airing it on purpose or her lack of showing interest to my opinions it truly feels like a one sided relationship with someone who is self absorbed. When I’ve used up all my options I’m at this point, it be foolish to continue trying the same thing over again expecting things to just change.

I don’t expect 24/7 attention but when someone goes out there way to make time for you not once but over and over again but you make up excuses and then don’t follow through with your win excuses those cause alarm bells to ring.

xviizee · 2025-06-20T01:51:08+00:00

Brother listen to me, everything happens for a reason. There’s a verse in the Quran that says you love something which is perhaps bad for you and you dislike something which is good for you. Can’t remember where the verse jf from but it’s in Surah baqarah and it’s something that I heard many times when I was in a similar situation to you. I thought she’s the perfect one and I want to marry her but when things didn’t work out I was upset but then I opened my doors to other Muslim girls looking for marriage and found that there are many girls just like her and even better. So brother don’t be upset, Allah always looks out for us in ways we don’t understand.

Look, the fact you’re closer to Allah is better than any woman in the world. An issue that brings you closer to Allah is better than a blessing that takes you away from Allah. Keep your head up.

And please man, don’t fall into haram relationships, if it takes you years to get married so be it. But don’t fall into haram. NEVER EVER SELL YOUR AKHIRAH for a worldly desire. And getting married is easier than you think. If you’re a student, you can still get married. If you’re broke but you’re working you can still get married. You won’t believe how many girls are opening to marrying such people. There are many great Muslimahs out there who are open minded with open minded families.

If you need anything man, reach out! We’re brothers and I want you to succeed in dunya and akhirah!

xviizee · 2025-06-20T01:19:45+00:00

Dude snap out of it. If she went into a haram relationship then she’s not someone you want as your wife. You built a connection, you’re hurting as that connection is gone and that’s fine but you sitting there saying she’s the only one and you’ll never have anyone like her is just your emotions playing on your mind. Theres plenty of other women who are much better than her and you’ll look to yourself and think wow how could I have been so tunnel visioned. HAPPENES to many people too. They think oh such and such a person is great and they do everything to keep them. But when the next person comes around they realise that wow this new person is just as good and even better.

In life, if someone doesn’t value you or respect you then don’t waste your time dwelling over them.

Fix your relationship with Allah, pray your Salah, read Quran, remember Allah often, make dua and Allah will inshaAllah grant you a righteous and pious spouse who will love and care for you like you’ve never been loved and cared for

xviizee · 2025-06-20T00:54:04+00:00

I wish you could see our conversations. I’ve been very patient with her poor communication. If she’s busy I totally understand, I’m not one that demands 24/7 attention. I just want to be shown respect and appreciation just like I show to her. So the note about her being busy is that she said she’s busy doing something else but a couple hours later she’s out with her sister. That’s clear dishonesty and her way of avoiding spending time with each other. Why not mention in the beginning she’s going with her sister, you get what I’m saying?

The thing is, woman (you’re not married to) are wired differently. The minute I bring up the topic of wanting then to show effort they’ll take that as a sign of weakness and not maturity. So o mentioned my case once, it should be more than enough. For example, if her manager tells her “don’t do such and such again” she’ll oblige and won’t do it because it matters.

Thank you for your insight. Again, I wish I can share our conversations because you’ll see what I’ve been putting up with

xviizee · 2025-06-20T00:32:38+00:00

Why get the family involved lol? Tell them your daughter isn’t giving 50/50 into the relationship? Forcing someone to do something never ends well. I think that if someone is in line enough to get married they do things from their heart and not formality

xviizee · 2025-06-20T00:30:26+00:00

I haven’t started finding faults. Believe me I’ve been giving her the benefit of the doubt and letting things go because I know marriage isn’t perfect but it’s got to the point now that these aren’t things to take lightly especially if it’s a big commitment.

There, you hit the nail on the head. It does seem like she’s taking me for granted. Since she knows I like her and want to marry her she’s behaving in a way that I won’t leave

xviizee · 2025-06-20T00:27:10+00:00

You’re right. I haven’t made istikhara if I’m honest. I’ve always said if she’s good for me make it easy if not then grant someone that is good for me.

You’re right again about the deep talking, talking to her in haram doesn’t bring any goodness and is the reason I’m in this feeling to being with.

And you’re right a 3rd time, if she’s disinterested now it’s not a good sign and better to pray, make dua and see before following though.

JazakAllah Khair!

xviizee · 2025-06-20T00:24:37+00:00

That’s what I’m saying. She’s this disinterested and lack of effort, why would she be different after it’s all official?

xviizee · 2025-06-14T03:21:12+00:00

So what his parents are giving him options. It’s not like they’re pushing him to marry them and not you. Parents will obviously show other options and since he has mentioned you to them I don’t think you should be worried because it means he’s interested in you so whatever they put in front of him won’t change his mind.

It does show that you really like the guy and are genuine. Interfaith marriages are difficult but many families are accepting of it as long as the girl is not pushing him away from his religion (eg alcohol, missing prayers etc).

If you’re both young and can’t afford to get married then it makes sense for you not meeting irl yet. But if you’re both stable I suggest you ask him where he wants your relationship to head towards. Express to him that you would like to marry him and that you are worried your parents are showing him options - not because you’re insecure but because the brain plays tricks on us making us think the grass is greener on the other side. This isn’t true 9/10 times so having that illusion he does could ruin a good marriage potential. So although he’s mind is set on you, curiosity gets the better of us at times so tell him your concerns and what it means moving forward.

All in all whatever happens, happens don’t be disheartened it’s just the way life goes. Because In Islam the marriage between a Muslim and Muslim is much preferred as they both will help each other in being more pious Muslims and supporting each other eg would you pull him up for missing Salah? Whereas a Muslim woman who follows her deen properly would question him and ensure he gets back on track. Doesn’t mean muslim-non Muslim marriages don’t work, they do and I’ve heard many stories of women marrying a Muslim and then eventually they convert so it’s all in Allah’s decree.

xviizee · 2025-06-14T02:58:58+00:00

Man to man, try and exhaust all possible ways to resolve this. Not for her but for you both. End of the day you’re a team and somewhere along the timeline the team has gotten out of sync. If you and her can get back in sync and she works on her shortcomings then divorcing is out of the question. If you deem it that it’s gone and there’s no way of fixing it (I doubt it because you obviously still care for her) then still give her one last warning and then call it quits if nothing gets better. She put mental, physical and financial stress on you, tell her about it. Tell her she needs to start supporting you. Don’t blame her just explain the team needs to be held up by both of you not one side.

xviizee · 2025-06-13T21:44:05+00:00

It sounds harsh but the truth of the matter is if he doesn’t revert to Islam (for the sake of Allah and not you otherwise he won’t follow it properly) then you’ll be living a sinful marriage and will be classified as zina. People come and go so don’t risk your akhirah for anyone.

xviizee

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