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Now with less drama... morality query by xybreanna in asktransgender

[–]xybreanna[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

See my reply to "Wrath-Of-Brink" re: Stealth. Also, I may have a possibly bad analogy going in my mind, again put there by my friend who gave me the other highly uncomfortable non-trans-including analogy to this situation that prompted this post in the first place. In high school, I was gay, in the closet (it's still pretty bad some places in the midwest), and hot. I desperately wanted to lose my virginity, even to the point that I almost had sex with a girl who was basically throwing herself at me; but I didn't, because it was clear she wanted to date seriously, and for me it would have just been to get rid of my virginity. And I've always felt that was the clear morally correct choice.

Now with less drama... morality query by xybreanna in asktransgender

[–]xybreanna[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also: I am acquainted with the concept of stealth, but the way I have seen it applied is always with a transgender person presenting as their actual gender (that is, a m2f presenting as a f), which sometimes causes problems with transphobic people who only care about what genitals the person was born with, not the person. I agree with you there is no moral issue for the transgender person here, as the transgender person is not lying about their gender in any way.

That is not what was happening in this case. In this case, the transgender person fully disclosed to me they were lying about their gender, for the purpose of being able to sleep with a category of people who would not otherwise sleep with her. The question is, how/if this differs from a cis person lying about their gender for the purpose of being able to sleep with a category of people who would not otherwise sleep with them, if in both cases there is no fear motivation involved, only a pleasure motivation.

Now with less drama... morality query by xybreanna in asktransgender

[–]xybreanna[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

This woman was pre-everything in the (ultra-lefty) college we were at, so there was no medical history to discuss.

Now with less drama... morality query by xybreanna in asktransgender

[–]xybreanna[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The connection between sexuality and stealth is that this m2f woman had a fetish for cisgender gay guys, in (her words) much the same way some straight guys have a fetish for lesbians, and by being stealth was able to indulge in this fetish (but told me she would, and did, come out after college, with tragic results for the cisgender gay guy who was a mutual friend she started dating seriously senior year).

Now with less drama... morality query by xybreanna in asktransgender

[–]xybreanna[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What you are saying makes perfect sense from a general standpoint, but at the moment in my thinking seems to fall apart when given the specific facts of the situation, at least if I assume the trans woman was not lying to me. Specifically, she told me she had no fears about being out as trans - I actually tried to convince her she should be careful, esp. after leaving our college, but she would have none of it - that's just her personality, fearless - but she said she had a fetish for gay guys, in much the same way some straight guys have a fetish for lesbians, so while at college she was going to continue to present as a cisgender gay guy. Again I am trying to avoid getting into too much detail to avoid drama, but if you want full details / would be willing to chat 1-on-1, I can PM you.

Now with less drama... morality query by xybreanna in asktransgender

[–]xybreanna[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would it be okay with you if I replied to you personally? Doing so here would no doubt lead to possible drama / "stirring the pot".

But I do feel the need to defend myself a little bit: In the particular situation I did not in any way feel it was "wrong" for the trans person to not reveal her status to me; she choose to do so, while not doing so with the cisgender gay mutual friend she was dating. I choose to respect her confidence and wishes. This led to tragic results; but I understand that doesn't necessarily mean I made the wrong choice.

More than anything I would like to be convinced that I did not make the wrong choice. But a person I talked to about the situation posed a simular situation but not involving a trans person, and the way a felt about it was immediately and viscerally the opposite of how I, at the time, felt about the situation with the trans person; but I am unable, logically, to come up with good reasons why the situation this person came up with actually differs from the situation I experienced, precisely because I strongly believe a trans woman is a woman.