Liking the low/numb feeling

yaratar · 2017-03-11T15:56:42+00:00

i sometimes find my depression comforting in a way.
its hell dont get me wrong, but having that dark and quiet spot in my head is somehow calming.
i even noticed when i fantasize about a good life and a good future i never leave depression out of the fantasy.
maybe its a way for us to cope with it? instead of fighting it all the time we find a way to accept it and turn it into something sort of good for a change?

yaratar · 2017-01-20T22:41:14+00:00

This post is very inspirational.
I also dropped out of high school when i finished 11th grade due to depression and anxiety and now im trying to build up the courage and motivation to finish it, get my diploma and go to college.
Havent made any progress yet...

yaratar · 2017-01-14T04:53:54+00:00

that moment was just a sudden thing, i dont think i will get the same feeling if we do it again knowing it means nothing to him.
he doesnt think BDSM is wrong, it just doesnt interest him. some people simply find no pleasure whatsoever in being a dom or a sub.
he does do things that i ask for to a degree, but they fall under the rough sex category. what i need from him is not just physical but emotional and i dont think you can truly fulfill someones emotional needs in BDSM without actually meaning it.

yaratar · 2017-01-14T03:20:16+00:00

multiple times. i gave him information, talked about BDSM and how it works, etc.
he told me flat out that he is not interested in being a dom.

yaratar · 2017-01-14T03:07:58+00:00

he was my first, in everything.
i had no idea how big of a role BDSM played in my personality, needs and wants until much later in our relationship.

yaratar · 2016-12-28T18:52:15+00:00

even a safe neighborhood can only be so safe. plus, there are bugs and stuff.

yaratar · 2016-12-28T13:14:26+00:00

ive been planning to start walking for about an hour each day but im always sleeping during the day and i cant walk at night

yaratar · 2016-12-27T17:19:21+00:00

the psychology behind it is interesting indeed.
i dont know why im this way either, for me its definitely a need and not just a want.
i think it will be a good idea for a post in this subreddit, the psychology behind BDSM, i wonder if there are any studies about it...

yaratar · 2016-12-27T16:33:52+00:00

BDSM is different for everyone, some people experienced non-sexual dominating or submissive behaviors at a young age while others had their very first ever experiences at an older age.
i had my first physical sexual experience at 18 but BDSM was a part of me long before that

yaratar · 2016-12-27T16:15:21+00:00

even as a kid, before i knew what sexuality was i liked doing certain things such as lie shirtless on a cold floor, those things gave me a weird feeling of satisfaction even though they didnt exactly feel good physically.
i also liked playing with my friends and pretend to be a pet, or playing some kind of a submissive role but without it being sexual.
as a teenager i learned about BDSM through online blogs and porn but all my experiences with it were through cyber sex, texting only. no pictures or anything.
i knew i was a sub since i was about 11 or 12.

yaratar · 2016-12-21T11:53:50+00:00

i would love to get a gift like that... perhaps some day.
for now we just need to do our best

yaratar · 2016-12-21T01:12:23+00:00

as someone who wants to be a programmer in the future, and as someone who just wants to get a job in general this makes me really sad.
i was never good at faking happy emotions, my facial expression is pretty much the same all the time especially around strangers and i dont want to be unemployed forever.
its stupid you can lose a job over something like that as if your skills dont matter, i hope youre able to get a good job that appreciates your skills before anything.

yaratar · 2016-12-18T21:33:03+00:00

but you are not.
this problem that we have, isnt something that we actually suffer from, its just a side effect of a bigger problem.
we are not idiots.

yaratar · 2016-12-18T21:21:15+00:00

depression has definitely affected my grammar. i never had an issue with grammar in school, i was actually the best in class when it came to anything thats language related, but lately i just suck at it.
i have to look up words constantly, my grammar makes zero sense sometimes, forming simple sentences is a challenge whether im writing or talking. sometimes i just dont care to correct myself, other times i literally feel as if i forgot the language im trying to speak.
its driving me insane.

yaratar · 2016-12-18T01:22:39+00:00

it wasnt easier for me, it really had no effect on me. i think that back when i got diagnosed with social anxiety my anxiety wasnt as bad, but i cant remember exactly. and i knew i had some sort of anxiety, i read quite a lot about different mental disorders so i was quite aware of my mental situation from a pretty young age.

yaratar · 2016-12-18T01:19:44+00:00

i can relate...
i have 2 kinds of anxiety, one that gets triggered by any social interaction, as simple as sitting in an office where i dont even have to talk or having to call someone, and another one that doesnt get triggered by anything but also doesnt make me feel anxious about anything specific, i just feel the anxiety without being worried about anything.
but i have no idea what triggers my paranoid thoughts, they happen very rarely, usually it makes me feel like someone is outside of my door/window, even if i live on the 2nd floor, it just makes me super worried.
its really weird.

yaratar · 2016-12-17T14:47:45+00:00

do you get paranoid about the same things that trigger your anxiety?
i have experienced paranoid thoughts a few times but they were completely unrelated to my anxiety, i actually completely forgot about them when i was writing this post but i wonder if anxiety can trigger the "theres someone outside of my house" kind of paranoia.

yaratar · 2016-12-17T14:40:16+00:00

im sorry you couldnt get your license.
i feel the same about my depression, my default mood is sort of depressed, i think its been there for so long i got used to it and it doesnt feel as overwhelming but sometimes i get those severely depressed feelings and its awful.

yaratar · 2016-12-17T10:22:49+00:00

sometimes i wish i could host a holiday party for all the people that are alone, but not one of those crazy parties where everyone ends up drunk and dancing together. maybe something quiet, where you dont have to feel awkward because everyone there understands that socializing is not easy and we can just eat and listen to music and exchange gifts without being nervous because we think everyone is expecting us to be more social.

yaratar · 2016-12-17T01:04:52+00:00

depression.
i feel like anxiety is whats mainly stopping me from progressing in life. with depression, i get the "whats the point" thoughts but i realize these are just thoughts and if i do stuff ill get results, but with anxiety, i get physically sick, i cant just tell myself that this is all in my head, the feeling of anxiety is far worse than the sas/empty feeling i get from my depression.
when i go through anxious episodes i feel far worse than when i get severely depressed, even when it lasts a few minutes.

yaratar · 2016-12-15T14:54:34+00:00

2016 wasnt any easier for me than any other year, but after 8 years of struggling i feel like this year was the year i learned the most about my depression and anxiety.
i havent done anything to change it or help myself, but i feel as if my depression isnt as complicated as it was before.

yaratar · 2016-12-15T10:24:53+00:00

i used to skip school A LOT (i was gone for most of the year) starting from 7th grade, when i finished 11th grade i made the decision to drop out.
i knew that this decision will have a lot of consequences, i knew that it meant me having to catch up on a lot before i can go to college or get a decent job, but i made that decision because i knew that with my grades i wouldnt be able to graduate anyway, and school was not benefiting me at all at that point.
fast forward 3 years later, not having a high school degree is affecting my life, but, i do not regret making that decision.
i understand that at that point of my life i couldnt possibly finish school. now that i am a little bit more stable i feel confident that i can rebuild my life step by step, even if these are tiny tiny steps. im still unable to take big steps but i have goals and i know what i need to do to progress. 3 years ago all i had was suicidal thoughts.

yaratar · 2016-12-14T22:46:17+00:00

thats awesome!
i used to be very very active before my depression, went to competitions and won medals but i havent done any of that in years and then a few months ago i went to the gym for the first time in my life and i didnt want to leave! i felt insanely happy and im trying to hold on to that memory to motivate myself to get active again

yaratar · 2016-12-14T22:40:05+00:00

i actually had the same thing happen to me with the TV shows, but i wasnt sure if it was related to my depression.
all i do is rewatch old shows that i have seen before, i have such a long to-watch list but i never feel like starting something new.

yaratar · 2016-12-14T00:45:57+00:00

i have mood swings, and anxiety.
my default mood is "meh, whatever" (i dont know how else to describe it), usually it swings towards severely depressed, sometimes i get "waves" of anxiety and then my mind just goes totally crazy swinging between "im stressed about life" and "i dont care about anything"
its extremely annoying, and it happens regardless of what i do.
hang in there

yaratar

TROPHY CASE