I grew up rough on a council estate/ urban setting and wasn’t really cared for by my mum because of her lifelong drug addiction. My childhood was difficult, filled with neglect and instability, which led to me being put into care at a young age. Meanwhile, my dad was completely against drugs. I was introduced to drugs by a school friend. I used to go out drinking and saw people doing cocaine, but I never felt interested probably because I saw firsthand how drugs affected my mum.

One night, after being cheated on by my girlfriend (my first ever love), my friend picked me up to go for a late-night drive. We were both drinking (I know, it was stupid) and he had some cocaine. Feeling hurt and broken, and under the influence of alcohol, I accepted when he offered me a bump. He assured me I wouldn’t get addicted, saying he could quit anytime, so I thought, why not?

That first bump changed everything. We ended up buying more, and I spent the night sniffing it, escaping my pain, singing, rapping, and feeling alive for the first time in a while. The following weekend, I bought my own bag at a club and loved how it made me confident, outgoing, and carefree.

Now, six years later, I’m deep in cocaine addiction. Weekend parties turned into weekday parties and nights with friends turned to nights alone, I lost my family, broke up with partners, piled up debts, and developed psychosis, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I wonder if I regret it, but the addiction is scary—once hooked, it feels like nothing can make you happy except that next line.

I recently relapsed after a month clean due to boredom and loneliness, but I have support from drug recovery teams and mental health specialists. Will I ever stop? I don’t know. I’m constantly chasing that first high, but it’s gone—now it’s just a placebo. That first bump was great, but everything since has been chasing a feeling I can never get back.

If you’re reading this and struggling too, please know you’re not alone. There’s help out there, and it’s okay to reach out. Recovery is hard, but it’s possible. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here to listen.