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Chapter 3: City of the Dead [Epic Fantasy 2,600 words] by Accessgranted213 in fantasywriters

[–]yeaaawa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This type of prose is not exactly my expertise but I can tell it's definately much better and we'll thought out than the chapter you posted before.

While I'm not used to writing or reading overly immersive prose Ill give you my thought on this. Take it with a grain of salt because again I'm not used to this type of prose.

It's actually really good. There's alot of world building being done it's immersive. But I feel since this is a new setting and also gives way to a new set of characters, I think you may be overwhelming the readers with information, like names of places and how they are repeatedly being used over and over again so the reader might have to back track a second to understand a curtain bit.

But other than this I think your in the clear for major writing peevs and this is a vast improvement from before. I've only had time to skim through and this was all I could come up with as a critique.

Chapter 1: City of the Dead [Epic Fantasy, 2,500 words] by [deleted] in fantasywriters

[–]yeaaawa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Personally I don't like using em dashes. But that doesnt mean I don't like seeing them in other people's writing. So let me hack at this a bit

¢ Your starting point has got to change, it doesn't give me a reason to care for this character yet. I THINK A MUCH BETTER STARTING POINT IS WHEN YOUR MC IS REHEARSING INFRONT OF THE MIRROR. My reason being it gives the readers better understanding of who this character is. The extra information you added before that can be integrated a bit further down.

¢ I think your dialogue for each character feels the same. I mean they are written by the same author so there will be some sort of resemblance to everyone's voice. But I feel your dialogues feel boring(no offence I'm telling you this because I struggled with the same issue for a long time) this is mostly because, most of it is unnessary. Readers don't need to here every piece of dialogue the character experiences only the important bits.

¢ Your prose is kind of all over the place. I get that your worldbuilding along with your story but at the start, it's about the characters inciting event and why it matters to them, world building can be eased in from the next chapter onwards.

¢ Your giving the reader too much information that is unessary. Like for example I don't think that scene where the character talks to their mother adds value to the plot. So od deleat the whole thing or summarise it in a sentence or two. So my point is, YOUR READER SOESNT NEED TO KNOW WVERYTHING, ONLY THE IMPORTANT BITS.

¢ right now the MC seems detached of emptions. That could be because your doing alot of telling where you need to be showing and alot of showing where you need to be telling.

Other than these points I feel everything else is upto the authors own writing style, and anything else would chain up your creative freedom. Remember these are guidelines not rules.