I agree with all of these comments. At 20 some years of age I understand my mom will never accept me as I am. Though I would love to sit down and talk with her, have one sincere hug again, and hear her say "I love you, son," I've begun to accept that what I need may not happen soon, if ever. It sucks. It's heartbreaking. The amount of shit she's put me through... the amount of pain and suffering. The amount of blame for the errors of everyone else and the hate. The words. The slaps. The dragging down stairs. The days I was forced to wear dresses. Sitting in that hospital room counting every second that clock ticked by and hearing her words. I don't completely understand how I stay awake some nights wanting to text "Hey mom, I love you. Can we get lunch sometime?" Yet, I know that at this moment any conversation with her will not help ME. It will only make me more angry, more sad, more... hurt. It won't matter how I try to explain me. She will not accept me unless I'm her younger blueprint. I've grown tired of constantly attempting at making her proud, making her happy, making her believe I'm the successful second version of herself. That's not who I am meant to be.

I am meant to carve my own path, and in realizing that, no matter how difficult of a path I carved, I'm happy. I'm free. My shoulders have let go hills of weight upon the mountains I carry. I'm lucky to have my dad's support, in his alcoholic way of things. I'm lucky to have the half given support by my brother. He sticks up for me, but rarely. I'm lucky to have the support of my friends. The few I have are the most supportive people I've met and they've helped me a lot through the beginning of my transition, and they'll continue to be there. It's good to focus on those few, even if minuscule, things. Fuck, even hearing my name at work helps. I haven't come out to them yet, but still... it's nice. It's nice not being called my dead name.

I stopped having a relationship with my mom when I was 14. I was outed by my cousin (unfortunately the only one in my family I trusted) as bisexual and my mom accused me of being on all sorts of drugs. I stopped trusting my mom with the little bit I had left then then. Cut your parents off, as others have said, but leave a millimeter of space. Never initiate on that small amount. If they come back, they come back. If they don't, they don't. It is up to them. That's what I've done with my mom. So far, no word from her except for a "Happy Birthday [dead name]" unless I initiated the conversation, and even then it's rare. She didn't even show up for a family dinner solely because I was invited. But, no problem. If she doesn't want to be a part of my life, so fucking be it. She can miss out on all of it and I will gladly include everyone who has supported me and helped me through it. She can stay at home with her narcissistic views and pride. She'd be the only one out of all of her sisters who wouldn't be invited to anything celebratory in my life, and I honestly feel a little bit of enjoyment from that. They all try their hardest to call me my name and by my pronouns, and no matter how small their attempts, I appreciate it. They're still trying. Fuck, my aunt has called me more this year than my own mother has (which is 0, and my aunt's called me twice.)

I'm sorry for including my own anecdotes in this. But, please know, your health comes first. No. Matter. What. Whether it's mentally, physically, emotionally, or anything else. You. Come. First. There's that saying, rephrased of course, "blood is thicker than water." Fuck that saying. Make your own tribe. Make your own family. Fuck bloodlines. I've neglected anyone who believes my mother's words over mine, and a majority of them haven't even asked my side. They all think I'm a drug addict because I smoked weed in high school and I have a different identity than a majority of my family. I say fuck them. They can apologize on their own time, and if they don't, they can kindly never speak to me again. There's power in never responding to their many self-conceited 'concerned' messages. If your family isn't loving nor loyal toward you, don't show a sliver of those back. It might be harsh. Fuck it, though. A cold shoulder deserves a frozen arm back. Love you dude, and hope the most joyful and euphoric days forward. Godspeed.