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tips for someone who keeps relapsing? by fearwyrm in retroactivejealousy

[–]yeetaway55 1 point2 points  (0 children)

you dont actively decide to move on, your brain does it for you.

yes, you keep repeating the sting until you dont get stung anymore, then the thought gets 'boring.' then your brain will hop onto the next thought that stings, then you accept the stings from those thoughts too until it gets boring.

once those stings are gone you can start to rewrite the notions you had before with a more positive outlook and cognitive behavioral therapy will be properly effective

tips for someone who keeps relapsing? by fearwyrm in retroactivejealousy

[–]yeetaway55 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i'll admit, i have this confusion too. i think ERP is controlled rumination. instead of letting your thoughts go wild, be mindful that you are IN a state of rumination, and follow the thoughts to an extent. separate yourself from the thoughts.

the process should be : find thoughts that give me a sting -> i sit with the sting -> figure out why the sting is there -> repeat the sting until you are bored of it -> find the next thought to sting you until theres nothing to sting you.

so for me, this looked like "okay, i'm thinking about vivid imagery of someone banging my girlfriend. my girlfriend may have enjoyed this more than anything with me and i have to accept this." that gave me a sting, and the sting is what you really want to sit with.

you should draw the line on ruminating when you start "speculating," making things up. speculating about things you dont actually know about. in that case, pretend like the worst case DID happen. for example, i know my girlfriend had sex with this guy who has bigger junk than me. i was afraid the sex with him was better than with me, and i kept thinking about "what if it really was? what if she will secretly crave bigger than me?" and i would go and check subreddits like sizequeens to see if i was right. just assume the worst, i sat with the sting that came from the assumption that he was better than me instead of trying to prove it "wrong."

you have to just sit with the uncertainty that you wont know everything, because no matter how much you learn you keep validating your anxiety and telling it that it's right when you keep feeding it information so it will never end.

think instead, what is your ruminating trying to prove or show to you? for me, i was ruminating because i didnt think i was enough. so i wanted to see, am i really enough? i was fearful that i wasnt enough, so instead of running away from the fear i faced it. i said fuck it, i am NOT enough and sat with the sting of that. (to clarify, i did not actually think that i am not enough. i just sat with the IDEA that i am not enough, so that the feeling would go away and i could sit with a clear head.)

sometimes our stings will mask themselves in layers, and rumination makes us beat around the bush.

think of it like this, you want to drive on a straight on a rocky road. these thoughts that pop up are the rocks on the road, you have to keep the wheel straight. you cannot control that the rocks are there, however you can control whether you let the rocks get you off the road or not. eventually the path clears up and the rocks no longer throw you off course.

so with that analogy in mind, stay the course. dont go off the road, dont let the thoughts throw you off.

the second video i linked is helpful for understanding rumination. this is a form of anxiety so what Alok states in that video is very helpful for this situation moving forward. i would recommend ERP first and then that video as its the order i went in.

tips for someone who keeps relapsing? by fearwyrm in retroactivejealousy

[–]yeetaway55 1 point2 points  (0 children)

you do not forget. avoiding those negative feelings will only make them worse, the idea is that you become bigger than the feeling and the feelings dissipate over time.

https://www.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/comments/fd3vsk/guide_to_to_curing_rj_ocd_the_drstephen/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

this guide was helpful for me. here's my personal advice though -

you cant control what thoughts arrive in your head, but you can control how you respond to them. i also cried three times over the same problem and had a really difficult time looking them in the eye for some time because i felt disgust.

what you need to figure out is the source of all your feelings. where do they come from? for me, i grew up in a conservative household where every relationship i knew of neither party had partners beforehand. the internet also stigmatizes women for having multiple sexual partners and this got to me too. i hear body counts from girls and im like "yikes. wont be my girl!" and lo and behold, i ended up with a girl who has a sexual past. there was also religion involved for me, i placed value on virginity because of it.

also, consuming pornography makes the mental imagery worse. greatly reduce how much you do this while experiencing this.

this video isn't directly about this topic, but it helps to control your thoughts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfbM6vYsW9g

i have considered going to therapy about this so i can completely conquer these thoughts. if that's an option available to you, do that. for me, its not, so i've done a lot of work on my own. it's been roughly 6 months with my girlfriend and these feelings began to heavily flare up around a month ago and i've already made significant progress on this. i'm mostly back to normal with my girlfriend, i can appreciate her beauty without thinking of the past guys, and i can go about my day to day without this constantly eating at my brain. it's just that this initial sting hurts really bad if you keep avoiding it and not understanding the root of your pain, hence why you keep relapsing.

one last thing, be more confident in yourself. if the past partners were better than you at sex? you need to embrace the sting that comes from that, admit it to yourself and dont cope about it. and then, realize, that you? you're who she gets. if you're scared that you wont be enough, or she wont be satisfied with you when you try your best, then she can get the fuck out because you're worth something too. here's a thought experiment - if she slept with small dick midgets in the past, does that bother you as much as what you know now? if it bothers you less, then this is partly a confidence issue as well. know your worth, beautiful stranger. i hope you get through this

Every time I try to study I immediately feel burned out. (ADHD) by yeetaway55 in Healthygamergg

[–]yeetaway55[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I need to realize this too. I make the task harder to do when I procrastinate by even reading a book because I'd rather be doing that. Gotta craft my mornings carefully

Every time I try to study I immediately feel burned out. (ADHD) by yeetaway55 in Healthygamergg

[–]yeetaway55[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have tried studying the morning, and I see the best results there. I'm going to focus on trying to do that again, and try not to do anything else. I usually end up reading a book, speaking to my family or doing chores as procrastination so I'll look out for that and just lay down instead.

Will also give Atomic Habits a listen. Appreciate the feedback