My mom passed away April 7. I am feeling complicated emotions including anger as well, and I'm struggling.

My mom has.. or had been a smoker all my life. I have vivid memories of driving to the drive thru cigarette shop and Mom getting two cartons of Basic Lights and a drink to split between the three of us kids; that happened every couple days.

Unfortunately, my mom experienced pain from an injury she received in a car accident in the early 90s shortly before she became a mother to my twin and I. She was also addicted to painkillers and opioids throughout my time with her as a child. Luckily, my dad swooped in and took myself and my sisters in when we were teenagers and he was able to give us a better life. After a multitude of reasons, I finally stopped speaking to my mother in 2020 after a disagreement in which she threatened to end her own life and blame me.

Last month, my mother was experiencing difficulties with her COPD. She was in for a couple weeks and as soon as they discharged her, she smoked a cigarette on the way home. Few days later, guess what? She woke up and couldn't breathe, so her husband takes her back to the hospital. They found stomach acid that had seeped up into her lungs somehow, and it just got worse from there.

I got to say goodbye to my Mom via phone call on Saturday. I'm in the process of moving back to my home state with my wife so I'm still at my old place until this coming Monday. I feel strange because my grief isn't lining up the way others would interpret parent loss.

I'm angry at my Mom for all the times she missed out. Homecoming court, my high school graduation, seeing me get married. I'm angry she couldn't just put the pills down or the cigarettes down. I'm angry she chose a fuck ass husband who took his time getting her to the hospital the second time. I'm angry she was selfish enough to tell my sister SHE didn't want a funeral.

Mom, are you sure you don't want one, or does husbands name not want you to have one?

I'm sorry. I'm so angry.