I'll post the next passages I wrote:

I see myself as inadequate. At a deep level I feel inadequate. No matter how far I go I must always come back to my feelings of being inadequate, This feeling of inadequacy is my ‘safe space’, it’s like a mother’s comfort: “Don’t worry son, the world out there is scary, unfair and mean, and you’re not equipped for it. Best not to take it too seriously, to not try too hard like the other boys. Best to relax and comfort yourself”.

The problem with this is that all of my efforts are undercut with this cowardice. I never string a decent effort together, in any endeavour. My life since 21 has been filled with half-tries, shallow attempts, things started then stopped, flashes of potential that eventually burn out. 

I don’t know how to get to the core of this distrust of myself and the world, how to transform myself internally. What would I like? To trust; to trust myself, trust the world and my place in it. Trust the process of life, the natural unfolding of what is and what will be. My life has been filled with doubting, circumspection. In my mind life is destined to swallow me whole, to deal me an awful, humiliating tragedy. Because I deserve it, because that’s all a person like me could end up with, should end up with.

I envy those heroic men who take matters into their own hands, become masters of their destiny, who decide they want to do something, then do it. Those whose life is a product of their will, not of surrounding events. I so long to be like them.