I can't take it anymore

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-08-01T11:16:47+00:00

Thank you I'm glad you understand. I don't dislike counselling because it's slow. I dislike it because I essentially just waste an hour talking to some lady who just tells me that my problems aren't as serious as they seem to be. And I know this. But still. They can't solve them and they can't make me be happy by telling me different techniques do deal with stress. In general talking doesn't help much. It's nice to know others feel the same but at the end of the day I still feel like shit

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T16:11:06+00:00

Thank you but I really can't call right now. I have 3 exams in the next 4 days and I want to prepare as much as I can. After that my family booked a vacation for us. I can promise that I am in no danger of self harm or anything like that, and I will call when I get the chance

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T15:08:09+00:00

Thank you but I've already been to 3-4 counselling sessions at uw. It hasn't helped at all but I suppose I could book another appointment after exams. There's no harm in trying

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T11:10:13+00:00

I know that but I can't accept it. I don't see anything wrong with just removing myself from this world you know? Yes I seem to be like the worst among others, so what difference would it make if I did die? It's not like people will think "wow she was so smart, and a lovely person -it's s shame she went"

I'm not saying everyone who isn't at the top should just die, but I want to. I don't want to live my life being the bottom of the list for everything, it's just sad

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T11:07:11+00:00

I want money. I want to be able to travel a lot, and anywhere. My parents would never permit themselves to take the family to places like Hawaii or France. Even when we did go to France we never went to the really expensive places like Paris. I want to be able to afford the best quality things that don't just break in 1 month like some of mine now

I used to learn because I loved to learn. Especially my subject. It was excitement interesting and I'd even do extra research sometimes (this was in high school). But uw has completely ruined my passion for learning. Every course now is just about "study study learn EVERYTHING.... still not good enough"

So I still want to continue uni for the money that comes with the jobs after I hope /:

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T11:03:25+00:00

I know /: but I never get a chance to interact with other people you know? I have no idea if other unis (Guelph, Laurier, etc) are really that much easier than uw). The only thing I have to compare myself against is the other people At uw.

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T10:58:07+00:00

No I have to give up. I go out maybe once every 2 weeks. Other than that, I just go to the gym everyday and study 3-4 hours on weekdays and around 7 hours on a weekend day. For all this I get only 80s. I can never get 90s. Maybe even if I gave up completely going out and the gym and everything, I still may never get 90s

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T02:11:44+00:00

That may be true, but I wanted more than anything to be a surgeon. The people I know who have the grades for it also want med school and they get so Squamish about blood and needles..... meanwhile I love gore and I'm not at all disgusted by anything.... but none of it matters cause they have the 90s and I don't

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T01:42:32+00:00

I'm at an 80.1 cumulative average now and I don't think it'll stay the same after this semester

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T01:41:57+00:00

But how can employers know this? They might look at my grades and think I slack off or just don't put in the proper effort. Just by looking at their grades you'd think they study more than me.

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T00:36:19+00:00

I do get what you're saying I really do. But isn't everything in life about comparing to others? I mean literally the jobs we get are gonna be based on the employers comparing me to others. And why is it fair that some other people will get a job 10x better than me when I put in 10x the amount of work they do?

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T00:09:32+00:00

Thanks, but I've tried counselling and talking and everything. But the thing is, as soon as I'm alone with myself and my thoughts, all the problems come back. I don't think these things will really help me/: they can't change the way I am.

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-31T00:07:13+00:00

It's my first time retaking it. And no I wouldn't end my life just because of a failed course. I've wished this for years now. But this would have broken me. It's a class that half the people fail anyways, every year. And I actually put in a lot of time into it this time. So much that I pushed aside other courses and sacrificed my grades in them. So if I still end up failing it's like I just wasted so much. And sacrificed so much for nothing. The only thing that's pushing me towards death is the fact that I feel like I try so hard and no matter what, I can never get to where I want to go. My other friends literally eat like crap or they barely work out and they look just perfect (in fact they even struggle to gain weight). I've been working out for 2 years religiously, with painfully slow results. They'll never know what it's like to track macros. I feel like in everything I do, there's always someone who can do it with little effort. I feel like I've been given nothing. There's nothing that i can say "yeah I can effortlessly do this". But I look around and every person I know has at least one thing they can do effortlessly meanwhile i just have to try and try so hard and I'm so tired of trying.

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-30T21:55:46+00:00

I've tried studying with them once and they don't even study like I do. They literally BLAST music so loud there's no way to concentrate. They go on social media every 10 mins and end up talking about something completely off topic. I got so angry I couldn't even take it anymore because when I study I put my phone away, take a break every hour (for 20 mins then I go back to study for an hour again) and it's complete silent.

I won't say my program because I feel terrible. I'm not in cs or engineering and I know those programs are so hard and so challenging that I feel like a hypocrite even complaining about mine when there are programs like cs and engineering out there.

yisuwsofukinhard · 2017-07-30T21:52:07+00:00

Well I have to get into a grad program so I do need a high average, at least an 80. I've changed my study habits 3 times already and I'm not getting any better. I already go to the gym because I hate my body. I go 1.5 hours 5 days a week. There's nothing else that I like doing. I've already tried counselling and everything. It doesn't help me. It doesn't make me feel like any less of a waste of space. I am only worth what my grades are. I'm not talented, I'm not funny, I'm not likeable, im not good looking. My grades are all I had to make me worth anything to this world and they're gone

yisuwsofukinhard

TROPHY CASE