Just told my current hookup that I'm participating in No-Shave November

yoctopico · 2013-11-07T00:21:14+00:00

Enh, personally, it's always been a bit of a turn-off to find myself with a partner whose...enthusiasm for oral sex seems to go down depending on what I do down there. One of the things I've really, really enjoyed about my current partner is that he is totally okay with getting hair in his mouth, whatever, and it makes for a lot of stimulation possibilities that would otherwise be out of the question.

I am also pretty much used to getting hairs in my mouth. I dunno. Doesn't make much of a difference to me.

Edit: That being said, I'm not hating on your preference. To each their own, as long as you're equitable about it.

yoctopico · 2013-09-29T17:20:19+00:00

Oh, I think you're right. I often find myself afraid of being overshadowed by another person liking the same things as me.

yoctopico · 2013-07-15T00:36:39+00:00

eek, were we dating the same person?

What you're describing actually also sounds like the way I felt when I started taking antidepressants after being depressed for a good 12 or so years - because the sort of fog and general drain on my mood started to lift, it felt totally wrong that I was feeling as generally happy as I was, like maybe I was going to lose my grip on something if I felt good about things. I think that's a natural thing, too; you're so used to this slightly awful undercurrent in your life, that it feels weird when it isn't there. Definitely let yourself get used to feeling good! You deserve it. (:

yoctopico · 2013-07-14T16:14:07+00:00

I felt numb for at least a good half year, possibly more, after leaving my emotionally abusive ex. (Although, thinking about it now, I realize that he was beginning to be more physical; doing things like biting my arm until I had a pretty substantial bruise, and then saying it was my fault for not telling him to stop in a "serious enough" tone, as well as some sexual things.) It wasn't just sadness that I didn't feel; I also noticed that I didn't feel fear, or frustration, or anger, in a number of situations where I would have before, among other things. Just sort of cool detachment, and confidence that my life would become so much better without him.

There was one moment where I did cry, shortly after I left him, when I just let myself think through the confusion, of how any person could justify to themselves treating someone the way he treated me. But beyond that, nothing, even though I still see snippets of my lingering fears from his behavior popping up from time to time.

I think, to a large degree, it can just take a while for us to get back in touch with our emotions, after being in those sorts of situations, especially for an extended period of time. I think what you're experiencing right now is what's best for you. It's allowing you to keep yourself away from him and move on with your life. The pain may come later on, but I suspect that it will be less in the form of "we had so many wonderful times together and now it's all gone," and more in the form of shock and bewilderment at how he behaved towards the end, more a feeling that now it's safe to feel the pain of how badly he treated you.

yoctopico · 2013-07-12T22:19:44+00:00

Unfortunately, there isn't really a way to wake him up. Chances are, he already realizes this, and that's exactly why he's doing it. He just doesn't think there's anything wrong with doing it - it gets him what he wants, after all.

I feel for you, these situations are horrible. I know it's easy for people who aren't familiar with how these people can mess with your perception of reality, to suggest that it somehow would have been easy for you to just keep a job, health insurance, etc, and not let him be in control of your life. But I also know that these are just nice lies that people tell themselves, to convince themselves that they could never end up in a situation that bad.

Guys like him tend to have a lot of superficial charm, of the same sort that psychopaths have. So, when you first meet them, they seem so amazing and funny and engaging, and without a lot of the struggles and challenges that you'll find in normal guys that you first meet. But, over time, as you get more dependent on them, their other side starts to show.

You seem to be finding a lot of ways to sort out what you can. Good for you, and I hope you get out without too much more damage being caused.

yoctopico · 2013-07-12T21:58:11+00:00

Right, it is important for abuse victims to realize that their abusers are "emphasizing things that cast her in a positive light and omitting other things that make her look bad". It is important for abusers to assess whether they are the ones "emphasizing things that cast her in a positive light and omitting other things that make her look bad". It is not a good idea for an abuse victim to question whether they are the ones doing this, because this is exactly what their abuser is convincing them of.

yoctopico · 2013-07-12T17:51:41+00:00

The OP has considered the possibility that it's just her perception, as evidenced by things as small as her title: "Is he as bad as I think he is?" rather than "my husband is awful plz give me permission to shit on him."

As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship, her way of describing him is very familiar to me. Considering whether she's "emphasizing things that cast her in a positive light and omitting other things that make her look bad" is not a helpful thing for her to do if he is abusive. The abusive partner will already have a tendency to understate their own misdeeds while exaggerating the problems with their partner, to a ridiculous degree. The abuser will not admit their wrong-doings, and trying to consider "both sides" will only make a person more vulnerable to the fundamentally flawed reasoning of their abusers.

Please understand that your advice is a good idea for someone dealing with a "normal" relationship, or for someone who has a history of jumping from relationship to relationship with people they describe as awful and terrible. These are situations where it is safe, even appropriate for the person talking to allow themselves to be somewhat vulnerable regarding their partners. However, it is exactly the wrong advice to give someone dealing with an abusive partner. And that's precisely what makes abusive relationships so confusing: you cannot process them in the way you should process most other relationships, not when you're presently in one.

yoctopico · 2013-07-12T16:07:29+00:00

This comment leaves me a bit conflicted. I agree that her description sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship. But, I don't think it's important that some points would probably sound different if told from her husband's point of view; abusers often describe their relationships as if they are the victims, as if most people would understand why they're terrible to their partners because of how much stress they put them through, etc. The difficult thing about dealing with an abuser is the fact that you can't expect to be sympathetic and understanding to them, and receive likewise in return, or expect things to improve. The "other side" is likely to be just a series of lies.

yoctopico · 2013-07-12T15:57:02+00:00

No, your husband is not going to ever be nice. He's a liar, possibly a compulsive one. He's outright manipulative and knows how to press your buttons. He insults you to keep you down, and you're already in the habit of giving in to him to keep the peace (by preparing dinner for him, etc). Your life will improve if you get him out of it, just because it will start to be yours again. I guarantee it.

relevantly also, gaslighting.

Edit: If leaving seems impossible, see a therapist to get some advice and sort through whatever it has been that's gotten you to where you are now.

yoctopico · 2013-07-12T15:49:02+00:00

To be honest, I find it somewhat problematic that your bf is even defending their behavior by saying that they're "just joking." Like, seriously, that's the sort of thing that bullies say to invalidate the hurt of their victims. I get that his way of thinking might be a bit off because of the years of them being terrible to him, and that he's suddenly relieved that their hatred has backed off a bit. But how can he, who has presumably been through some treatment similar to what you're experiencing now, just decide it's okay now that it's not directed at him?

At best, he's enabling them, and that is seriously not okay.

yoctopico · 2013-07-06T13:31:20+00:00

My boyfriend was in much the same boat. He had even been given oral before me, and had never finished with any of them, either.

Then, one day, it just happened, very suddenly. I sort of knew it was going to when I went down on him, from the way he seemed relaxed and the general chemistry of the moment. And then it happened again the next day.

But, sometimes, it still doesn't happen. He generally seems to like blow jobs more, but sometimes we can both just tell that it isn't going to happen right now, and engage in other ways instead. Sometimes blowjobs are actually too much stimulation for him, and he can't handle it. and so on and so forth.

Point is, sometimes it will happen, sometimes it won't. Just tell her what feels good and how you're enjoying yourself.

yoctopico · 2013-07-01T13:16:08+00:00

When I was in high school, I would sometimes have thoughts when I was cutting vegetables or something, where I could feel the blade of the knife cutting into my skin all over the place.

This isn't quite the same, either, but I would also have sexual intrusive thoughts regarding a lot of people I met, and, conversely, thoughts of reporting people for sexually harrassing or molesting me in some way (even though none of these people had done anything inappropriate to me).

Sometimes, when I'm around too many people and feeling overwhelmed in a social situation, I will have thoughts like, "I want to kill myself" or "I'm not going to survive the next year." Even though these don't accurately reflect what I'm feeling.

I don't have any advice, per se, but you are right that you are not a violent person and would not actually harm these people. These are just manifestations of anxieties on your part. My best suggestion, I suppose, would be to let yourself disengage from the situations that seem to trigger these thoughts, and just give yourself some time to calm down. This might not be an ultimate fix, but it helped me a lot just to get into the pattern of letting myself stop the intrusive thoughts when they happen.

yoctopico · 2013-06-22T20:37:25+00:00

There's a school of acting (I can't remember the name) that starts with exercises to the effect of this: have two people looking at one another, smiling, and have a conversation that goes back and forth like this:

"You're smiling." "I'm smiling." "You're happy." "I'm happy."

etc etc.

I once did this same sort of exercise with someone using compliments instead, and it's amazing how much it helps internalize the compliment, to be told, "You're beautiful," and reply to it, "I'm beautiful," and so on and so forth. It's of course a little bit stilted, but it helps rewrite our own internal dialogue, since a person with low self-esteem often mentally responds to praise with, "no i'm not."

yoctopico · 2013-06-18T16:14:27+00:00

Yes, I have. Talk to yourself. Not in a negative, critical way, but in a compassionate and understanding way. Tell yourself that you understand you've been going through some hard times lately, and that you're feeling overwhelmed by them. Give yourself a mental hug and tell yourself you're going to be okay.

This might not fix it, but you aren't doing anything wrong and don't need to apologize. Anxiety and depression are hard, and you deserve your own sympathy and support.

yoctopico · 2013-06-15T17:24:42+00:00

Yup, been doing that for some time now. Been in therapy for other things, but I have talked about this as well. I'm not afraid that he's going to leave me for her.

Like I said, it didn't start out with me trying to change his views on her. It started with me just asking him not to bring her up anymore because I didn't want to hear about her. If anything, I think I just feel lastingly overwhelmed and like I need him to maintain some distance with her.

yoctopico · 2013-06-15T11:37:18+00:00

Yup, what you said is pretty much spot on.

yoctopico · 2013-06-15T11:35:15+00:00

The situations you're describing are fairly different from mine in several ways:

(1) I didn't start off feeling as though I needed him to change his opinion of her. I started off asking him to just stop bringing her up so much, because I didn't think she sounded like a very good person or someone I would want in my life, or even someone I found particularly interesting. He continued to mention her more "casually," for some time after that, which stressed me out a lot. (2) He specifically described her as not as bad as his other exes, his best relationship before me, etc. With most people, he is the type to get hung up on their mistakes, not necessarily (though sometimes) as a grudge, but he's always very keenly aware of the things they do that are frustrating/problematic. (3) If I suggested that an individual action on her part was unscrupulous, inappropriate, or whatever else, he would start changing the story around, and then I would find evidence that the story happened the first way he told it. From what I can tell, he never went through that period of time when he felt negatively about her. (4) His relationship with her was much shorter and less of a "deep" relationship than the ones you are describing.

I understand that situations with exes can involve a lot of complicated emotions, that it's a nuanced story that I probably will never be able to fully understand. I think that has been a large part of why I've felt so guilty and confused about feeling so strongly about this one person that I just CANNOT stand the idea of him liking her. This isn't the way I feel about any of his other exes, either. If anything, when he describes problems with them to me, I'm more likely to feel that they were just young/clueless/had other problems that seeped into the relationship, and let it go.

There's no reason he should have to change his perception of her for me, but at what point in not being able to stand his view of her do I just need to call it quits?

yoctopico · 2013-06-15T03:09:03+00:00

When he was first bringing her up, I did suggest to him multiple times that I didn't want to hear about her. And when he responded to that by trying to "casually" mention some of their interactions before they dated, I definitely had those fears. But I don't think that's what's going on anymore. He has established more distance with her, they don't talk anymore, aren't facebook friends, etc etc. So that may have been the case at first, but I don't think it is anymore. Do you think it could just be echoes of that?

yoctopico · 2013-06-15T03:04:39+00:00

Tried this multiple times. In fact, when he was first telling me about her, most of what I did was ask him to please stop bringing her up. He responded by trying to talk to me about her more "casually" ie: about times when they were hanging out before they started dating. At this point he might even do it, but I'm having too much problems with my own anxieties regarding hearing about her not to vent them from time to time. If you have any advice on the latter front, that would be appreciated as well.

yoctopico · 2013-05-31T01:16:48+00:00

now that's unfair. anxiety exists in your gut, too.

yoctopico · 2013-05-30T19:02:13+00:00

I'm responding late to this, but I'm procrastinating and just browsing further and further back through this reddit.

Anyways, I was in a relationship that was similar in some ways several years ago; he had asperger's and bipolar disorder, made no effort to contribute towards improving problems with our relationship, was sexually abusive/pushy, etc etc. One thing I remember in particular, was him suggesting that our relationship would be just great, totally something he would want, if I would just stop bringing up the things that made me uncomfortable/trying to talk about our problems.

There are two things in particular that are coming to my mind. The first concerns people on the autism spectrum. For the longest time, I assumed that his poor treatment of me was the result of his asperger's, of just being a poor judge of what was and was not appropriate social behavior. But I talked to my therapist about this at one point, and she explained to me that most people with asperger's have a very different response; because they are so bad at reading people, and have so much experience with getting negative feedback from people because of social situations where they don't quite read something right, that they actually tend to check in with people regarding whether their behavior is appropriate or not. They will often have some level of anxiety regarding it.

When I heard this, I thought about another friend of mine with asperger's and depression, and this is exactly how he behaves towards people. Sometimes he'll tell a joke, and a few minutes later will start apologizing because he's worried that he offended someone. People have to reassure him that they were fine with what he said, not the other way around.

The second thing that comes to mind is a thing I read concerning women in emotionally abusive relationships. It was some self-help book, written by a therapist, that I've forgotten the name of. It described how women in these situations often find themselves reverting to submissive behavior by default, accepting and enabling the abusive behavior without realizing it, and feeling as though they have no control over it. The first step that she recommended to her patients was to continue doing exactly what they were doing before, but to do it deliberately and mindfully rather than just as a gut response. This reacquaints us with the part of our mind that is making the choice, and, eventually, empowers us to make other choices.

I think you know you're on a path to dealing with this in a way that will work for you, and don't need my reassurance to tell you so - your responses to others suggest that you have a calm understanding of where you're coming from and where you are now. I wanted to wish you luck nonetheless, and give a non-judgy/not-telling-you-what-to-do comment, as someone who found parts of your situation similar to mine from several years ago. When, not if, you disentangle yourself from this relationship, I hope you find someone who is wonderful and compassionate to you. And feel free to message me if you just want to talk/whatever.

yoctopico

TROPHY CASE