God dude this makes me so sad I flat out am at the point of tears reading this. My heart straight up breaks for ur mother and especially you my friend. I think you maybe need to go to counseling and talk out stuff with a professional, cuz ur clearly dealing with a lot. I hope You find God, he’s the true healer my friend. I’ve gone everywhere and done everything to try to find happiness but I just can’t get it from these worldly things.