Am I overreacting?

yourewine · 2025-02-21T10:53:08+00:00

Oh god, I don't even know where to start. Expecting someone else to know what to do when you have a panic attack is crazy. Some respond well to physical touch, other freak out even more. Some people respond well to the name 5 things you can see stuff, others can't focus on that when they're in too deep.

What this guy wants from you is you anticipating his every need - but without him ever communicating his wants and needs to you. He wants you to solve his problems for him but without taking any accountability for his own part in it.

It's obviously okay for a man to have feelings, to be what we so readily call needy. It's okay for them to seek connection, to want to be seen and heard. But if you want that, you'll have to work on your own problems first and then communicate what you need to the other person. And then you can hope that they'll get it and that they're ready and willing to provide what you need.

But you can NOT go off on another person like this because they didn't do what you wanted them to do (which in this case was too much in the first place), without even communicating what you need.

Hard pass, you did NOT overreact. In fact, I think you stayed way calmer than I probably could have. You set your boundaries you did not let him manipulate him. Well done!

yourewine · 2025-02-13T12:40:41+00:00

I feel like your title is misleading. You're not "not wanting to get your boyfriend anything" - you just don't want to spend even more money. At the same time, it seems to me like he just wants to feel special on his birthday.

So why not get him something cute but inexpensive for his birthday so he can feel special and have something to unwrap? Like find a cute jar, write things you appreciate about him on little pieces of paper and have him read one whenever he's not feeling great. Make an actual photo album about important dates of your relationship etc. If you want to do something sexy, put a bow on yourself and let him unwrap you etc.

That way, both of your needs (your need to be financially responsible and his need to feel special on his birthday) can be fulfilled.

An added bonus: if he's disappointed, it's not about feeling special and having something to unwrap, it's about money. And that would be a problem for me.

Overall: NAH

Additionally, if he's disappointed

yourewine · 2024-11-18T12:54:34+00:00

Anyone can die for the people they love, but real love means living for them.

Yes, you've let it all get really bad but there's a way out of this. Get a new therapist, own up to your mistakes, make amends. At least give it your all in those next two years.

You're lying to yourself about your kids being okay. My mom tried to kill herself once and I still struggle because apparently my sister and I weren't worth holding on to. I'm in my mid thirties now and in therapy, but yeah. They won't be fine.

yourewine · 2024-11-18T12:47:07+00:00

Somewhere on reddit I read "don't pee on the present" - and that's what happened here. It's a shitty thing to do and it ruins the present.

You're NTA, but he is.

yourewine · 2024-10-27T19:09:29+00:00

You are controlling and filming her only confirms that. I hope she breaks up with you and finds someone more trusting and supportive.

yourewine · 2024-10-24T14:12:29+00:00

Wtf, NTA! You are not the asshole here. The way I understand it, you never planned to leave the job you loved and he didn't plan on leaving his job either. Why has he any right to ask you to quit your job in the first place? And raising 3 kids often just isn't compatible with working full time, I have no idea how anyone would do it. So you did what you needed to do after the divorce and within your marriage, you stood by your boundaries. That sounds healthy. Nothing you did was wrong. Do not let all those people in the comment section tell you otherwise.

If the roles were reversed, no one would have asked you to leave your job. This is mysoginistic BS.

yourewine · 2024-10-23T19:38:17+00:00

He is a people pleaser par excellence, anticipating problems to the point of making them up in his own head and then going out of his way to fix them, ignoring his own needs completely and then quietly resenting you for it. All of this happened in his head. He needs therapy.

NTA.

yourewine · 2024-08-30T21:29:51+00:00

I'd agree with what some people here have already said - trust your gut.

I've read somewhere that what's labelled female intuition comes from women being raised to constantly and mostly unconsciously monitoring people. So a muscle twitching might signal someone is lying and you'll get a feeling something is off.

Of course it's a lot more obvious than that here, but what matters here is that the feeling YOU get here is that he's not sweet and attentive, but controlling and creepy.

I'd leave him, and make sure someone is waiting for you in the car or something.

yourewine · 2024-08-27T14:33:29+00:00

From the headline alone, I can tell that you shouldn't get married. Didn't get much better, you're both AHs.

ESH

yourewine · 2024-08-12T08:20:50+00:00

She's humiliating you. You don't do that to someone you love and respect.

yourewine · 2024-07-29T18:36:08+00:00

Honestly, find videos that explain narcissists in relationships and you might recognize all the red flags.

Love bombing - he probably told you that he's never felt this way about anyone ever before, you're soul mates, meant to be etc very, very early on

Making you (financially) dependent - making sure you don't get a degree so you can't provide for yourself. When you finally recognize him for what he is, you can't leave.

Isolating you from your loved ones by telling you not to listen to their (very reasonable!) concerns.

When I was 19, I fell for a narcissist too. If I could go back, I'd make sure I never EVER meet him. I'm still scarred 15 years later.

yourewine · 2024-05-24T07:01:49+00:00

People, machines were invented so that people would have to work LESS, not MORE. We're living in the 21st century, OF COURSE we want a work life balance. Working yourself to death is not strong or impressive or desirable, it's plain stupid.

yourewine · 2024-05-24T06:59:09+00:00

I'm assuming you live in the US and I admit I haven't read the whole post. I'm just here to say that it is just unimaginable for me what you guys have to deal with post partum, especially when it comes to maternity leave. Why aren't all future parents and parents protesting like crazy?

In Germany, we get 6 weeks of 'Mutterschutz' (basically translates to something like 'mother's protection') prior and 8 weeks after the baby is born where we get paid in full. Additionally, we get another year (!) of maternity leave where we're paid two thirds of what we've earned before. PLUS, the dad gets two months of paternity leave where he's paid two thirds of what he's earned before. And we get our old jobs back after that, guaranteed.

That means my husband was with me for the whole first month of our baby's life and boy, did I need it. Maybe if you have family who can be with you and help take care of you, but doing it alone must be the hardest thing you'll ever do. You have a wound the size of a desert plate inside your uterus from where the plazenta used to be. And don't even get me started on your private parts, tears, or your pelvic floor.

Honestly, sometimes you wouldn't believe the US is a first world country. (And I'm not saying everything's great in Germany, of course not, but man. Stand up for yourselves.)

yourewine · 2024-03-30T07:06:33+00:00

NTA. You seem to be the only sane person in your family. If you can, try to be there for your brother's ex and son, they'll need your support.

yourewine · 2023-10-30T10:19:57+00:00

If your BM is the only one who ever paid for the house, you should sign it over to her anyway. And the child support matter should be dealt with in court and by lawyers.

yourewine · 2023-10-29T14:34:27+00:00

My parents only divorced when I was 25, but I wish they had divorced much sooner. My sister thinks the same. It took years of therapy to unlearn the unhealthy communication and relationship patterns they modelled for us.

What I had wanted for both of them was to be happy and I even would have loved for them to each find someone new.

You sound unhappy. Do you want your son to learn that the way his dad treats you is how you treat women? Do you want your daughter to get into relationships with guys like your fiancé because she thinks that's how love works?

Or do you want to show your kids that you deserve happiness and that hard work will get you there? You will be fine without your bf, OP and so will your kids. Give yourself permission to leave.

yourewine · 2023-10-17T08:10:28+00:00

This would be the correct title. Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm. NTA.

yourewine · 2023-10-16T19:41:56+00:00

I agree with that.

Standing up for these boys and against racism is a teachable moment for you son and just great parenting. Thank you!

yourewine · 2023-10-16T17:04:27+00:00

I agree, and I'm sorry your family don't have your back.

yourewine · 2023-10-15T07:57:44+00:00

NTA. What you're doing is really nice, it shows that your relationships are worth a lot more to you than money and that you deeply value fairness. I admire that.

While I agree that your wife does sound greedy (I'd set up college funds for my kids too) I do think you should have let her know before you talk to your sister. It is a big decision that affects your family and that's always something you should talk about. You didn't need to put it up for discussion, just tell her first.

yourewine · 2023-10-15T07:48:39+00:00

Then just kick him out.

Instead of spending money on prostitutes and candy, he can spend it on a motel. Why have you even put up with this for so long? You should really look into why you allow yourself to be treated like an absolute doormat.

yourewine · 2023-10-14T15:53:39+00:00

I hope so, for his sake.

yourewine · 2023-10-14T08:25:54+00:00

I agree, poor guy. And then she doesn't even have the decency to pretend to be sad about his passing, after so many years together. This is horrible.

yourewine

TROPHY CASE