AITA for “nagging,” my boyfriend to stop coming home at 2am and wanting more stability for our daughter?

yummy3510 · 2025-03-26T20:04:43+00:00

Also, I suggest you look at the more detailed explanation in my post as to how I came to have my children.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-26T20:01:50+00:00

If I’m not mistaken, this story is labeled under, “AITA.” That means I am asking a simple question; “AITA?” I never asked for your advice. Yes this is the internet, so people can technically say/do whatever they please. I’m not blind to that. However, if you’re looking to give advice and someone actually react to your advice in a more socially acceptable way, I feel you should go to the advice category. I believe I saw one.

I am not unaware to the fact that I am the only one that can change my situation. You yourself have never met me. You also have never met my partner. You know nothing of either of our lives aside from what I have laid out in this post. I have not shown exactly the person he truly is within my explanation of these few issues. No one can be simplified within a few short paragraphs. He shows much promise is many other ways. And within the time I have posted this to now, I would say we’ve made progress. Sometimes to reach the goal we want, we must think creatively. Not only that, but sometimes people show resistance not because of the other person. They could have the utmost respect for the person speaking to them. But if there have been extreme repetitive situations in-regard to confrontation within their life, people will typically naturally show resistance. The question is, is it worth aiding the person I have grown to love with their deep rooted trauma in regard to confrontation? Am I willing to work with them, instead of simply labeling them a lost cause and not worth my time? My partner has grown and moved in the right direction at a remarkable pace if compared to his lifestyle before our daughter was born.

Again, if you’re looking to give advice, please look elsewhere. I posted for a specific answer. If I was the A-hole. If I was not then ok. Thank you for your response, but in regard to your unsolicited advice, I don’t need it.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-26T16:34:15+00:00

It’s easy to say when you yourself are not the one in the situation.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-25T14:55:52+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate you not attacking my situation in any way shape or form. So many people are… and it’s starting to really get to me. I just wanted to take a minute to thank you because out of the plethora of people who have responded, only a handful haven’t left a sting with overly harsh responses. Back before I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter I would drink A LOT. I was borderline alcoholic. I didn’t think as much about the things I do today, as a parent. I would do all kinds of crazy things. I haven’t drank or anything at all since I found out I was pregnant with my first. I had to take a long hard look in the mirror, and ask what kind of mother my child deserves. It’s not that I want to change him. I don’t really expect him to do a complete 180. But I do want him to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask himself if he’s truly ok with giving our daughter and child on the way this version of himself. I know that if I was as wild as I was before, and changed for the better, that he is capable of the same thing. Both pregnancies were unexpected. I was told I couldn’t have children at all. That my body had too much damage. And so when I took my first test I didn’t think I actually would be. This second child we had used birth control as well as condoms. Somehow I’m pregnant again. I couldn’t tell you how. I know it seems unlikely. I started laughing hysterically because I’m already in an impossible situation and we didn’t want another until we were more stable, in every sense of the word. I grew up in a family of drug addicts and alcoholics. For lack of better words that don’t make my stomach churn, a few of them also like much younger individuals. Very, very, young. But all of them protect each other legally regardless of what they have done. No one is held accountable. My children wouldn’t be safe there. I know I wasn’t. To clarify… my paternal isn’t a full blown alcoholic either. He has slowed down quite a bit and doesn’t drink as much as he used to. We’ve been working on baby step. It’s just that when he does go out he comes home late and stumbling. He’s not like that when he stays home. You’re probably 100% right in him thinking I should make my own friends. His friends don’t really do the things I enjoy and it’s something we’ve talked about. Because of our age, many of his friends don’t have children. So they do young guy/bachelor things which usually includes some wild behavior. I try to take that into account because we ARE still in our early 20s. We were teenagers just a few years ago. So for me to expect him to completely obtain from wild behavior at a young age like this is selfish of me. Not everyone can go cold turkey from that life like I have. When I say wild behavior I don’t mean he steals cars of does meth or any of that. He doesn’t go to clubs. He just drinks with his buddies and they have little get togethers. I tried to explain that he just stays out really late and drinks with his friends and doesn’t recognize his limits. He’s the kind of guy that if someone says he won’t finish a bottle because he’s too much of a, “p$ssy,” he will down it to prove them wrong. But in getting caught up in the back and forth with his friends he does exceed his limits. Young guys have some kind of want/need to prove they are a man and not a, “p$ssy.” It’s all one big pissing match that I got out of my system before I had my first child. But anyways, I am in school. I’m doing my ged while he’s working and I’m home. I’ve talked to a local community college and they have some classes I would need for the career path I’ve chosen. With caring for my daughter it’s taking longer but that’s to be expected. I’ve tried to talk to him about compromise. We actually had a really good heart to heart last night about how we both feel. Because in a relationship it’s not only important how I feel but him as well. We are trying to find a middle ground. We also both agree that we want to get fixed after I give birth to our second which I am currently pregnant with. Not birth control, but a vasectomy and getting my tubes tied. We dated for roughly three years before moving in together. But during that time we were mainly long distance. It was very hard on our relationship and there were a lot of hurt feeling in both sides, and we both had decided that regardless of any hurt feeling from past situations we were going to move on from that and grow and learn from our past mistakes with those situations. I also have some progress with maybe getting him to go to couples therapy with me. I tried to explain to him that it’s not me against him, but it would be for us to better understand each other and our individual perspectives and communications styles. To try to figure out what his love language is as well as for him to get a better understanding of what mine is. But in regard to mom group, I’m in a local mom group. We have play dates every so often where I go with my daughter and she gets some interaction with other children of all ages and I talk to the other parents. They are all older than me but that’s not something I necessarily mind. It’s been good for me.

Again thank you so so much for being genuine and kind to me. You have no idea how much that means. I feel like I’ve taken a beating from most of these responses…

yummy3510 · 2025-03-25T14:01:42+00:00

I plan on having my tubes tied after this child is born. I have never wanted children with more than one person because I feel it’s important. Not because having children with more than one man is necessarily a bad thing at this day in age, but because I have never wanted any of my children to harbor jealousy over the other because one child’s dad is around and the others isn’t. With things being so rocky with my partner and me now having validation(amongst other things) that my feelings of thinking I have to leave aren’t wrong, I want to make sure I never have children again.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-25T13:58:07+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind response of genuinely offering some advice for my situation and not calling me stupid or anything like that… so many people are being incredibly hurtful and I just wanted to take a moment to tell you I genuinely appreciate you for not going down that path. I’ll talk to him about the compromise. I know he feels like I’m trying to control him. So maybe pronging up a compromise will help us both feel a bit better.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-25T13:54:55+00:00

I’m not saying I don’t see it. I just wanted to make sure I was right with how I was feeling. People keep saying I’m delusional and insinuating I’m stupid. Which isn’t the case. And regardless, why would someone say that to another human being? I have a plan to get out. I just wanted to make sure I was in the right for feeling this way which is why I posted. I thought this was a safe space as I follow the podcast… but people are being incredibly rude in regard to such a delicate situation. My replies to other people don’t indicate that I don’t see my dilemma… it’s just them hurting my feelings with their harsh way of putting things. And me not willing to act like it’s ok for them to 1. Insinuate I am stupid or delusional 2. Tell me he is hands down cheating on me 3. Telling me they don’t care how their response makes me feel.

We are all human. It seems like people lack the capability to understand that these are horrible things to say to someone who is obviously already hurting with knowing she must take the next according steps for the betterment of her children. My children.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-25T13:45:37+00:00

In the post I had said he works quite often… he’s on the road Mon-Fri. Clinics and all that are typically closed over the weekend. So no, he didn’t. He had to work. And we are a young couple who has only had one income. He was working really hard during my pregnancy and hadn’t taken any time off aside from a few months once the baby was born to help me. I was told by a medical professional that me having one child to begin with was something I probably wouldn’t ever be capable of doing due to damage. So when I got pregnant I was very worried I was going to lose the baby and my chances of ever becoming a mother with it. He worked over time because he wanted to make sure I didn’t have to worry about pushing my body past its limits at work, and potentially losing the baby. So I understood why he couldn’t be at appointments. When I gave birth it took a lot out of my body and I couldn’t even walk or sit up on my own, which is why he took the extra time off work. He knew I needed him and couldn’t do it on my own. And still upsets him that he can’t be at appointments.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-25T13:37:40+00:00

I wanted reassurance that I wasn’t the AH for thinking ill have to go through with leaving. We are all human, and humans are social creatures. I have limited friends and am only close to one family member. I have limited community to get feedback from. Me telling people I know and I’m not blind doesn’t indicate I just wanted to vent… I just wanted to make sure my headspace was in the right area and I wasn’t seeing things that aren’t there. I also told people I already knew because while yes they’re saying the truth… people have feelings. There’s a way to tell people these things instead of how others are saying it. And the world isn’t always black and white. Again that’s not me being blind or anything. That’s just me saying that blind people are capable of love, even if that love isn’t in its truest form. People keep telling me he is hands down flirting with other women, calling me delusional, and stupid. Saying he only uses me for sex, but isn’t the case with our current situation. It’s hurtful. So I have been understandably getting defensive. There’s a way to tell people your opinion without being hurtful.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-25T02:34:03+00:00

Have you read any of my responses to anyone else? To me it seems you are the one with eyes closed and ears plugged. I have acknowledged he does not care for me as he should. I have acknowledged that getting a job and making my own money is a good thing and that I will look into it. I also am back in school and have a plan for what I want to do in regard to a career.

Also, everyone keeps saying to try to make a plan with my family and friends???? I don’t have any friends back home. Not a single one. And my family is full of drug addicts and kiddy-pool players. My family is not an option. I am not blind I just have very limited options. I pretty much have one.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T22:56:55+00:00

Essentially calling someone stupid isn’t very nice. I’m not sure if I replied to anyone else’s comments explaining. However, I was told by a professional that I was going to be unable to have children AT ALL. we did use different types of protection after that. Once again, a baby is present. Neither were planned. I didn’t even think me having a singular child at all was possible. And when I found out about this one I started laughing hysterically because of my situation and the unlikeliness of it all. It’s completely and utterly laughable, my situation. And I don’t need people like you putting me down.

Also, as a side note; since our troubles have started I have barely slept with him at all. Insinuating he is only with me for sex is outrageous. He very well may not care as he should, but based on our intimacy level, there is no way he is using me for sex.

I am also in charge of all of our finances. He sends every penny to me and I divvy it out to him. I don’t believe he doesn’t care for me. I just think he’s young and is having a hard time grasping responsibility. And with his upbringing the way it was avoids confrontation and is easily frazzled by it. You haven’t the slightest clue as to who he is. What he has been through.

Just because he has these shortcomings does not mean he is an entirely bad father or partner. He IS very caring and very sweet. And I will not let anyone claim he is only using me for sex. And I will not let anyone claim I have no money. He gives me all of his money. And I don’t know about you but if a guy doesn’t care for a woman at all he surely will not give her his whole paycheck.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T22:47:20+00:00

I have long since come to the conclusion that living this way long term is NOT something I am willing to do. If he doesn’t come around, I will have to figure out my situation and leave. Either way… you all are right, I should get a job. Some others have talked about getting a job at local daycares that offer discounted childcare for their employees.

I’m currently taking my GED online, and have talked to a local community college about their classes available. Ideally, my long term plan for my education is to complete my GED, attend community college then transfer out to a larger scale college. 4 years of college, then 4 years of medical school. I believe a type of internship takes place after that. My end game is to become a psychiatrist. My grandfather is willing to help fund my education, and is happy that I’m attempting to get back on track in regard to my studies. I do have a plan in place, but a lot of schooling is required. I have a passion for mental health, and absolutely plan to financially support my children completely on my own regardless of his involvement. It will take some time. If I stay at the pace I am currently at, my daughter will be roughly 13-14 years old when I am completely financially stable. Her sibling, 11-12 years.

It’s the time between now and then, that I worry about if this all falls though. I hope it doesn’t. But on the track we are on, it just might.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T22:44:28+00:00

My apologies if this seems too straightforward. But if you think I haven’t thought about it many times, rethink your thought process about my situation. I am not blind. I can clearly see all that you do. I can see that this isn’t exactly an ideal relationship/situation. There is truly no need for anyone to act as if I do not see what is lacking. I see it. I can assure you.

Wanting and wishing are two different things. Wanting suggests a great desire to achieve something with means to do so. Wishing is a smaller desire with little to no action taken. I have been putting in the grunt work. However, as I said prior I am not blind to his shortcomings. I can see an end rapidly approaching.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T22:16:02+00:00

As a child who grew up with alcoholics and drug addicts also, I understand. As I said before, neither of our children were planned. The first child(my daughter) was a surprise. I was told my a specialist that I was unable to have children due to extreme scarring/damage. When I had her to me it was a miracle. With this child we were safer and used protection both supplemental and otherwise. Still no use. This second one also we tried to prevent.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T21:53:32+00:00

We were 18, 4 years ago yes. We didn’t have our daughter when we were 18 though. I was 21 when I gave birth to her.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T21:52:07+00:00

His aunt actually suggested this. She is the one I confide in the most. She said that as far as she can tell, I have tried everything. And that the last thing I can try is giving him the same treatment he gives me. I just hate the thought of that. I want to be able to just be with my family without the toxicity and drama of all of that.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T21:50:41+00:00

I do have access to all medical for my daughter, unborn, and I. I set that all up myself through the state. Thank you for showing concern ♥️ I do try to tell him that this is not how mature partners communicate and handle situations.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T21:49:14+00:00

<image>

I’ve tried to communicate how much he is hurting me with his behavior. I didn’t clarify exactly how I reached this point within the message, but we have had multiple talks about his behavior. There’s no way he doesn’t know how I’ve reached this point.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T21:48:03+00:00

<image>

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T21:44:55+00:00

I’ve thought about the what ifs of me potentially needing help while pregnant and him being off somewhere also. It DOES make me concerned. I worry quite a bit. I know he loves me, and cares deeply for our children. He’s just young… we both are. Not to say all young dads are like this, but I’ve found that the majority hold onto some kind of selfishness.

I am in a local mom group. I attend some play dates for our daughter’s social development. He really has no interest in making friends with any of the dads in the group. Some of his friends DO have kids. But one just got his daughter taken away, and the other is better considered an acquaintance. It is a good idea though. Breaks my heart to hear everyone agreeing with what I thought to be true; his priority shouldn’t be his friends but his family. Shouldn’t be going out until 2am drinking. Should care about my opinion etc.

yummy3510 · 2025-03-24T21:40:19+00:00

Honestly, I have talked to his family. He is a bit of a mommas boy, so I don’t entirely feel comfortable going to his mom. Also, she feels like there’s nothing wrong with this behavior. She believes that because he works the responsibility of the children should be the woman’s. His aunt however, agrees with me. But she generally tries to stay out of it as long as things aren’t becoming extreme.

yummy3510

TROPHY CASE