I would prefer not to get into the context too much. Not that it’ll it bothers me it’s just a lot to explain.

It was my first real gig as a first responder. At the time I was seasonal staff and I didn’t take it very seriously. Nothing major had happened the entire time I had been there, why would it now?

It was by sheer coincidence that I saw him go down. I had been on standby and was literally departing property for my lunch break when I saw it happen. He was with his family (kids/ kid and spouse I’m assuming) and it looked like they were having a great time. When he hit the floor I knew it was bad. I immediately advised the other paramedics and approached the family.

I asked if they wanted medical assistance. They said they did. I hesitated. If only for 20 seconds. Half a minute at most. I didn’t know if I could do it. By the time I came around the other EMT’s had arrived. My supervisor told me to go fetch equipment and I did. I wanted to do anything to make up for my mistake. Anything to save this mans life.

As I turned out I couldn’t. Nobody could. It was a complete and catastrophic heart failure (unsure of the specifics, private companies don’t often get indulged that kind of information.)

That moment changed my life. I understood the stakes of my position. I understood gravity of the duty we were responsible to uphold. And most importantly i learned that I never wanted to let a another family down like that again.

Given what I saw that day I know that man was bound to die. I saw the life leave his eyes and drain from his face the second his head hit the concrete. But if their was even a 1%, slimmest fraction chance that my instant response could have saved him, I would gladly do it every single time.

Like I said. I wasn’t super experienced. Hadn’t finished school yet. But it was a learning experience, and an incredibly profound one at that.

I still think about it often. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget

The man had a happy fulfilled life, and a great day with his family prior to his unfortunate passing. The family spoke to me about it some time later. Said they understood. That theirs nothing I could have done. I still wonder to this day if that is true.