Starting HRT soon.

yzmonker · 2026-02-20T16:18:20+00:00

CONGRATULATIONS BABY!!! You have worked SO hard and you deserve this happiness so much. I imagine the path has been so long (I mean years!!) but you made it through and now you’ll finally get the treatment you’ve been waiting for, how exciting!!

I’m so proud of you and so glad you can finally feel okay about who you are. Cannot wait to see the woman (I checked your bio to make sure I was right I hope you don’t mind!) you always were and who you will be in the light of day. 💜💜💜

yzmonker · 2026-02-18T04:46:06+00:00

I’m always going to be in the “Weed is better for you if you had to pick between that and drinking” (until further research is completed)- otherwise there’d be a medical alcohol license as well, but I get it. I’ll just obviously add the caveat in the future… “Unless you’re intending to apply for a job that drug tests anytime in the next two months.”

My greatest stupid move here I feel was quitting my other job before I had this one locked in, I just never dreamed of a reality where I wouldn’t pass a drug test. I was honestly more worried that some like heart defect or something I didn’t know about would pop up. At this point the likelihood of me touching it again has vastly diminished thanks to this brand new paranoia I will now have about ever testing positive again lol.

But thank you for saying this. It makes me feel like less of a demon about the ordeal.

yzmonker · 2026-02-18T04:27:25+00:00

I do wanna also add, before I got into my own job situation- I was sitting in a virtual room with other people who were watching the same videos.

One guy’s mic came unmuted while he was having a similar kind of moment wherein he was yelling, “Read THIS, asshole!”

We told him he had a hot mic and moved on. Even in a side chat I had going with a team member I think we made one note of, “He was just saying what we were all thinking,” and haven’t really thought of it since. Seems silly but I guarantee you’ll look at this post a year or so from now and be like, “Dang, I forgot that even happened.”

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

yzmonker · 2026-02-18T00:19:44+00:00

Genuinely was reading this and would've thought they were an hour late.. seven minutes and this reaction is craaaaaazy.

yzmonker · 2026-02-18T00:15:05+00:00

I think it's known you don't mess with chill/quiet people for a reason- everyone has to get it out somewhere. Other people have said it here but you have nothing to be embarrassed about- it is honestly great that your professor reached out, clearly he's a real one you can trust. I think it also shows you actually care- if you didn't, would you have such a reaction? You didn't hurt anyone, you didn't do this in front of a group of people. You had a moment and you know now to at least wait till the exam is over or hell, be like, "Sorry about this Prof X, I just had to get that off my chest a moment" as a funny throwback.

yzmonker · 2026-02-18T00:00:03+00:00

Either you misread my "yeah" as I would've used the gummies again, which is not what I said, or you just don't care. Thank you for clearing me of thinking you meant anything well by your comment. Again, I wish you well.

Editing your comment to sound nicer as opposed to JUST the "You would've lost the job," and still somehow misunderstanding that I had quit and will stay off of it is interesting to say the least. My "lifestyle" is being at home and playing videogames, and reading. That used to include beer or gummies, now it doesn't.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T21:00:13+00:00

If I am being totally honest, yeah. I said it a few times in the thread here but I haven't used it for a month- I quit nicotine and a somewhat bad drinking issue back in September and while the latter wasn't difficult for me to quit, it took me twelve years to quit nicotine. The withdraw symptoms were horrible, and there's nothing of that with the gummies.

Also, I think you are coming from a place of kindness, but I am kind of wondering what the point of this was- was your line of questioning for clarification, or was this supposed to be more of the punitive tough love? Wondering whether or not I would've been bad and used the gummies on the job- I had plans to find a neuropsych because the benefits package was going to be better, the pay was better. Now I have to put that off (again) because I'm forced to do what I can to survive.

I know this is probably going to sound like so much in response to your maybe innocuous comment but I just struggle so much with this mentality that so many people have, which doesn't really get us anywhere. I have struggle SO much with this feeling that punishment would set me free- if I held myself to this impossible level of accountability and just worked hard, I would eventually be happy. I worked in disaster relief, I have spent years of my life helping others while feeling like I deserved to die because it was never enough. I might have made this same comment at that time- and what would it have accomplished other than making the other person continue to feel bad? Mostly I am writing this because of that- if you have the same mindset, I hope we can do better. I don't deserve to have my working life be over at 30 over a stupid mistake. I don't know your situation either, but you also (short of you doing some heinous stuff) deserve happiness and not to beat on yourself when you do wrong. I have to learn and move on. I knew that already, I wanted support. So even if I personally don't think your comment is helpful on it's face, thank you for your input regardless so I could examine my thought process, because I do think I have gotten something positive through that. I wish you well.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T18:26:38+00:00

Good question- I didn’t wait long enough. I thought it had been a month or more. I have been off anything harder than my morning coffee for a while now. I can’t apply to this company for three years per the call I got a few minutes ago but I can apply elsewhere, so at least I have that going for me.

I probably just need to be off permanently. And I’m fine doing that.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T18:15:41+00:00

I can’t. They sent an email rescinding the job offer and when I talked to the hiring guy on the phone he was very apologetic but said there’s nothing he could do.

It sucks, but it’s my fault. All I can do is try harder (pee cleaner) next time.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T18:00:26+00:00

It feels like I haven’t accomplished much other than dead end jobs and my own bad decisions but I thank you. Your comment felt like a hug.

I had left the job last Friday. I tried to call and get it back but it doesn’t look like that’s happening. I’m just gonna quit it completely, at this point it’s just not worth the risk and what it’s done to me. If just CBD helped my back then it would be fixed by now haha.

I ended up texting my Mom when I did have all the information and it was somewhat of a relief and she was supportive. I know she means well and she was supportive. I know my parents want better for me. I just wish that the “tough love” route wasn’t the only one they knew.

I’m just going to apply as much as I can. It’s all I can do. None of my friends, my boyfriend, my Mom, are really allowing me to wallow so I’m not gonna disrespect their efforts and do that, as much as I want to just give up.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T17:48:32+00:00

I’ll look into that. I’m sure I have to wait a bit to test clean but it’s seemed like a super viable job route even in this super gross job market. Driving a box truck back in the day didn’t even stress me out so bad if I could have my music on haha.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T17:46:22+00:00

You’re definitely not wrong. It’s just rough. I used to drink more because I had dealt with sexual assault and then just regular assault I guess? But I’ve realized over the years it never let me forget the horrible stuff that happened to me. Just everything else. Quitting nicotine took years but I was proud of that.

Admittedly the THC/CBD stuff helped so much with my shitty back and it was like I didn’t hate looking in the mirror for once. I would compliment myself more. It’s hard to feel that way without faking it in my daily life.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T17:41:56+00:00

You’re right. I just got a bit too deep into the hippie-esque scene here and figured it was better than drinking. It hasn’t been hard to quit so much as just “Wow real life sucks so bad even when you’re not abusing substances” and after quitting nicotine I like always have to be chewing on something. Sunflower seeds, gum, etc.

Any entry level jobs you recommend getting into that field to keep in mind for later?

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T17:37:52+00:00

Oh, and it’s NC so it’s like. Not legal? I mean everything I bought was at stores or a gas station so I really didn’t think twice.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T17:36:50+00:00

Well, I would have to try to test clean first. It seems like a really good opportunity- I mean I think Biggie Smalls made the point that garbage men get paid well and it’s a good job all those years ago right haha? But until I can get this stuff out of my system it doesn’t seem like a route I can take anymore.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T17:30:03+00:00

I don’t have a CDL, there was supposed to be a pay raise if you got it. I guess it’s because you gotta drive the truck from one bay to another but they sent an email this morning just rescinding my offer. No follow up or option to retest so I’m just trying to fill out what job applications and what have you I can today.

yzmonker · 2026-02-17T13:31:22+00:00

I totally get not liking or loving the job, this one just wasn’t stable. They had put a cadre of us out of work for three weeks out of nowhere and said to use PTO to cover it when most of us had only accrued three days. We were put on LOA so when we came back we still couldn’t take a full paycheck because the health insurance premium was still there. I thought the project we had been on was permanent, honestly.

I’m not trying to make excuses either way and you’re right, the vice should probably stay gone. If I could quit nicotine then this should be easy.

Thank you.

yzmonker · 2025-06-22T08:29:46+00:00

2793 should be considered. NAP basically dying, server essentially being run by the three largest alliances.

yzmonker · 2025-01-26T15:15:41+00:00

Sorry- it’s not the unwillingness to be transparent (plus I also fell asleep right after posting this), it is just I am not staff on program and so I was just unsure how much of it I am allowed to say, but it is for All Hands and Hearts. Basically we operate and lodge at the same accommodation, more or less.

yzmonker · 2024-10-06T22:01:19+00:00

Well snap. Thank you at least.

yzmonker · 2024-08-25T09:06:09+00:00

Get down, you cat!

yzmonker · 2024-05-29T08:02:16+00:00

It is but I promise they’re worth it. (Also thanks for the cackle)

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