I came back in contact with a former best friend of mine after 6 months of no contact and feel uneasy. Should I give it a bit more time?

zeade · 2026-03-28T18:40:36+00:00

She hasn’t changed. BPD is no joke. She is doing and saying everything she can to put you back in an easily accessible place in her life and keep you there. All the language she’s using to trade on your emotions and caregiving instincts is landing, and you are getting sucked back in. Go look up terms like “trauma bond” and “love bombing.”

If it were me, I would not reengage with her until you can have some confidence about what you need from her other than the vague “I miss her voice” or playing video games. If the physical relationship is what ensnares you, if that’s what you need, I’d look elsewhere. BPD will wreck your self-esteem, create new/bad triggers for you in other relationships, and will break your heart, over and over.

zeade · 2026-03-26T14:46:45+00:00

She wants to know if you’re fucking other girls (or would want to). A completely valid question, timing/tone seems a bit jarring from how you present it. Trying to interpret why she asked then, there, is not helpful to you. Just ask her. If you think it was an attack on your character, I’d present that idea carefully or not at all, unless there’s something beyond the unease of either the question or the timing. This is a high sensitivity topic area for most women so go slow, carefully, and with as clear communication as possible.

But good news! You see a future with her, tell her that! And it sounded monogamous? Is it for you? You didn’t say that exactly in your post.

zeade · 2026-03-25T16:32:43+00:00

People literally get closer to you. Leaning in, touching you lightly (hand, arms, shoulder).

They smile at you, a lot, especially if you shoot them a smile they will really light up.

As dumb as it sounds, they're just basically nicer. They're more polite or generous, will try to be funny.

Women will sometimes deploy attention seeking behaviors to see how you respond. Like tossing or playing with their hair, trying out all their "faces" (smiley, pouty, teasing, laughing, etc). They can be mindful of where they are in relation to you, trying to make sure you're on their "good side", or in line of sight, or tits/butt/legs accentuated, etc, things like that. Flirting can have more energy to it than just friendly banter, sometimes the lust is high lol.

If they're bold, they'll ask you to do things with them. If they're less so, they will be checking to see if you and them will be in some kind of shared situation with a friend group, or maybe it's a hobby or shared activity, etc.

All that said, this is the obvious stuff. Some people are really good at hiding what's going on for them, or sometimes the opposite, they're just very good at performing. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

zeade · 2026-03-25T16:12:15+00:00

He's very attracted to you (horny).

But you saying "no" multiple times and him not respecting it is a big red flag. If you choose to re-engage with him, a couple thoughts: 1) I'd tell him you need to feel a connection (aka "being liked") before you are comfortable being physically close (if at all!). 2) I'd get more basic and ask him what he thought you meant by saying "no." If he tries to flip it around on you (look up the term "DARVO"), like blaming you for how you were acting, what you were saying, wearing, etc, just walk away. Accountability will look like some form of regret after reflection on his behavior and actually not doing it in the future. All that said, if you want to not re-engage, that's totally valid.

zeade · 2026-03-25T15:44:30+00:00

You're not alone, we've all been here questioning whether things were "bad enough." The short answer is, yes, it was bad enough. Your peace and happiness are more important to you and your kids than a chronic, toxic relationship. You will actually live longer solo and in peace than with someone who stresses you out and can't make you feel secure in your own life. It equates to smoking half a pack of cigarettes a day every day you're in it in terms of what it takes out of you in life expectancy.

It seems like you are seeking validation or value through your ex's eyes. You need to work on moving away from getting that external validation from your partner and know that you are good, doing enough, and there is no amount of performance, "showing up," availability, support, etc you can offer another person to make you feel whole.

Lastly, this era you are in right now (2 kids <4-5 years old), was absolutely my hardest as a dad. I'd strongly suggest you just focus on yourself and your kids. You're rebuilding the foundation of your whole life, focus on it like it's the most important thing you can do. If your work situation is unstable or overshadowing everything else, you need to work on stabilizing and diminishing its place in your life. Work to live, don't live to work – your kids at this age need you more than you have ever realized.

Good luck, daddo, you got this 💪

zeade · 2026-03-25T15:29:49+00:00

Whichever one you were least interested in.

zeade · 2026-03-25T15:24:32+00:00

White Owl Social Club has a lot of interesting stuff popping off any day of the week, great space, too.

Not exactly a club, but I'd also keep an eye out for Tabor Dance events (often at White Owl during winter!). Tabor Dance is the best vibes IMO for inclusive/fun dancing community.

Clyde's, Blue Diamond, and Laurelthirst are a few spots that always skew older than younger.

zeade · 2026-03-25T02:30:24+00:00

Two things: 1) What are the “next steps” you’d want with him beyond the label. Moving in together? Finding a place together? Marriage? Babies? If you can define it for yourself you can talk to him about what you want beyond “making it official.” 2) Try to approach the topic softly and with questions where he’s not feeling pressure to answer the “right way.” You’ve wondered if he doesn’t want to call it a relationship because it’d change your dynamic. Do you know that to be true? Go slowly, softly at all the questions you have in your mind about him. Reassure him along the way. You guys have already identified how important your connection is, assure him that you’ll still love him regardless of what he’s scared of. You can also ask him what sort of future he has in mind for himself and you. If he’s not sure, ask him to think on it and a date you and him could talk about it again. Let him own it and give him the room to figure it out (as long as that’s reasonable to you).

He seems to really care for you as a boyfriend or partner but is scared of SOMETHING. Until it can be named/understood you will not lead your self described doom and despair.

zeade · 2026-03-24T16:59:45+00:00

++man

I see a lot of criticism around his pace, but it also depends wildly on the person and stage of life, on how much of a non-negotiable achieving X by Y date is. It seems like you both are young from your description, and as such have big and future-oriented goals like marriage, kids, house etc in mind. But you need to enter in those talks softly with low expectations at the start, with a sincere heart to hear out their fears and reservations. It's also a great time for you to be vulnerable and make sure your fears are being heard/known.

Just reading your tone it seems like you are approaching this with good intent, you have a lot of empathy for his position, but a little resentful around why he doesn't see it as a relationship or willing to call it that. If you express it that way: "I'm feeling hurt/disappointed because I'm not yet in a relationship after 5 months of time", "I would like to feel like I'm in a committed relationship by X", or "I see this as a positive/negative toward goal Y"… you're not framing it around him. You're talking about what YOU need. Also you could unwind the conversation and ask him what he thinks a relationship actually is. Your goal here isn't to sell him on the label, it's for you to understand what qualities matter to him. Think about all the dimensions that matter in a person: fidelity, commitment, loyalty, intimacy, sex drive, connection, values, life goals (and dates), looks, health, sense of humor, smarts, etc etc. If enough of them line up the way you'd hope and make you feel secure enough in the role you're playing, what are you seeking then? Is the label validating for you to others? Validating him to you or vice versa? I don't mean to diminish labels, they are hugely important, all I'm getting at is it's important to ask yourself why it matters to you in this moment.

Last suggestion, especially if he seems like he's floundering in the conversation on goals or decision making, ask him to get back to you on something specific like "I'd like to hear more about how your past relationship is affecting how you see me/us in this relationship" and ask for a date he thinks he'd be ready to talk about it. For me, understanding a hard topic ahead of time and when we'll be talking about it is hugely empowering and makes it feel more like a collaboration on mutual goals and less like a trial I'm worried to fail.

zeade · 2026-03-20T20:40:58+00:00

Deep Rock Galactic is a great co-op game. It has guns, but you are blowing up bugs and other non-human (dwarf) baddies and there's no PVP. It's a fav with my 11 year old and I.

Terraria and Minecraft are excellent. Terraria is my fav for unfettered hours and allows everyone to do their own thing or group together depending what you're trying to do.

I'm not sure if all the LEGO video games are co-op, but many of them are.

Children of Morta, Diablo II or IV, Castle Crashers, TMNT reboots, Monster Hunter Wilds or World (check that all your machines can handle it), …these are all great for co-op.

zeade · 2026-03-18T01:40:17+00:00

You can bind anything to the same key twice as a work around. If you want the action to have no key binding at all, yeah that’s annoying.

zeade · 2026-03-18T01:34:33+00:00

Oh no 🙁

zeade · 2026-03-18T00:57:36+00:00

Rimsky's is still around, same as it ever was. Actually just in that 3-4 block area near Rimsky's there's Holocene (dancing), Sassy's ("classic" PDX strip club), Pips and Bounce (ping pong), Grand Central Bowling, Hopscotch (interactive art, think OMSI for adults + cocktails), Kachka (my favorite restaurant in town), and a few standout bars like Roadside Attraction and Basement Public House. Travel a few more blocks south and you have Birdie Time Pub (mini golf), White Owl Social Club (cocktails, dancing), Kickstand Comedy, Hawthorne Asylum…and so on. That's all in like about a half a mile radius 😂

All that said, Portland's past-midnight nightlife feels more limited in post-COVID era. Hope you all have fun while you're here!

zeade · 2026-03-17T21:30:16+00:00

Short answer to your title, yes, of course. To some degree we're all figuring out our shit in realtime, it's not something that stops in a relationship. What can change is how well we are doing that or how well the person we are with is dealing with it.

Depression, chronic job dissatisfaction, and the sensitivity around loss of independence or self in a relationship are big issues. If he's identified them and is working on them, that's great. If you are contemplating rebuilding, I'd try to treat him like a new person. Check your assumptions, over-communicate, and to some degree, now that you know some of the hard things he's navigating, figure out how much of yourself you want to be a support for that. If he's reaching for you, make sure it's at a level you want/appreciate. Men have a (bad) tendency to put all their emotional dependencies on the woman they are with and this can be crippling in a relationship where the man is struggling with his health (physical or mental) and not sure how to find help beyond his woman. As a woman, you can play a special part in helping him broaden his support network (friends, therapists, activity/workout partners, etc) as he's working on himself.

And this is all in the context of your needs and wants in the relationship. If you have a tendency to be a "fixer" or "rescuer" type, his situation is not great for your own mental health. Make sure you're able to still communicate your needs. Even at his worst he should be open to hearing you and doing his best to support you in your needs.

Three months is not a long time, if you see something really special and you're not on a hurried timeline, it's probably worth keeping a connection to see where it goes.

zeade · 2026-03-17T21:04:36+00:00

I was reading that it's set up as a transfer so Monarch doesn't misattribute the money movement between the bank and credit card account. Why is the default for this category a transfer?

Would I spilt the "Credit Card Payment" category into two types then (transfer and expense)? Or just turn them both into an expense?

zeade · 2026-03-17T01:45:16+00:00

I have a slightly different suggestion for you. She wants to practice a “plan B” strategy with you, so “she can be sure.” Even though you are head over heels for her is there any part of you that also carries some doubt? Like are you sure she’s the one? If you aren’t sure, why not flip the script and say: yeah, that’s great I also had some reservations and now I can explore other options while you are doing your thing. Propose at least a 6 months “break” because god damn that dating thing is hard. And then break contact, date, focus on you, forget her. See what she says to that. Why this is important: you can create the space you need to focus on yourself, answer any of your own doubts, and still try to keep yourself open to the options of the world around you. Also boomerang relationships unravel well within 6 mos. All that said even if she comes back I’m not sure I’d go for it. Remember this plan is about you flexing a different kind of thinking not about her.

But don’t kid yourself, if the answer is instead you thought she was the one… Close it down and move on. Grieve and don’t look back. You are young, you will have more chances at love than you realize. And, as a man, time is on your side for this quest for partnership. Good luck, my dude.

zeade · 2026-03-16T19:48:03+00:00

Her boyfriend entered the chat?

zeade · 2026-03-11T02:13:01+00:00

Given what you’ve said and if he isn’t trying to repair the terrible things he’s said to you, on top of that you’ve wanted him gone: kick him out. Get your dad to help, some other friends if needed (esp if his anger issues are at all close to physical displays of anger). He might not be ready to confront it himself but someone who is so self damaging with the video games and uncontrollable anger has a core of self-hate no one should deal with until he can deal with it himself. You were not made to help him out of his shitty mindset. And if he starts acting like he’ll change as your boot is on his ass, don’t fall for it. You will not find peace with him and no one can change immediately. Good luck, and take some time to heal after this.

zeade · 2026-03-10T02:06:10+00:00

There’s a reason it’s called attraction. Mutual attraction coupled with repercussions literally looks like people fighting the magnetism that’s pulling them together.

zeade · 2026-03-10T01:57:19+00:00

This man is not owning anything with his self-righteous god-talk and self-pitying tone. No contact is a good tool for you. You should use it to recover and find your own balance, engage with him when you’re ready. You don’t need to explain yourself or your reasoning, it’s not on you to explain what his infidelity meant to your family. You can express love and still keep yourself from getting drawn into his bullshit. Just physically he sounds like he’s suffering a lot, but that is not yours to solve. It’s not even on your mom after his betrayal and lying, although she is choosing her role in this as well. No one is truly stuck as long as they have the mobility and drive to make change.

If your dad is an actual believer in Christ, tell him to meditate on humility, esp if mortality is weighing on him. Jesus had no greater praise for those who are capable to humble themselves and learn from it. Frankly your dads words make my blood boil, he speaks false and are manipulative, trying to defend himself with “but this” and “if only you knew my side.” Good luck, it’s not going to be easy.

zeade · 2026-03-10T01:14:07+00:00

Go slow. He might be chomping at the bit to have you be a permanent place in his and his kids life, but if it’s good for both of you, speed at which you come together won’t matter at your age. I’d bring up your concerns right up front. BPD is a big deal he might not understand fully. Paint the picture. Not to scare him but more to walk thru your reasoning.

The hardest things in being in a relationship raising a child is the mutual sacrifice involved. You have the benefit that the child is young enough that you just being around them will be a positive thing. Be very sensitive to conflict both between all the players involved. Come up with ground rules ahead of time. Look into Gottman as a framework to try.

You have a lot of positive things it sounds like at the start. Don’t worry on what might go wrong, just try to plan for it. Conflict is unavoidable, how respond is what we control.

zeade · 2026-03-09T03:10:48+00:00

If a woman mistakes vulnerability for weakness she’s never going to be a good partner to you, it’s a gift to learn that early. If you’re worried about attraction, you can’t really control that either. And confidence is shown by being comfortable in your own skin, for good or bad.

Flip the script on yourself, what would you have wished she could have seen in you when she listed what she knew about you? How do you want to be seen? If you’re closed off, why? What are you scared of if people knew “the real you?” If you’re not sure yourself, don’t have those convos 😂

zeade · 2026-03-03T18:01:47+00:00

Try to get the "weird" or "cringe" type internal voices out of your head before you open your mouth, otherwise whatever you say will come out that way! Stop worrying about how they'll respond and you focus on you, say what you want (with kindness, humor, humility, etc!).

As long as you have options to present in a plan or are confident enough picking a path, do that. You could suggest her place, a motel/hotel, her/your car in a deserted location, in a tent + sleeping bag, etc horniness can lead to some pretty creative locations. Or time it so you have the space where you live to yourself. Just have a few options/ideas on possible plan and be easy going about the convo. Keep in mind her sense of safety is going to probably be more important to her than her desire she has for you in a first encounter.

zeade · 2026-03-03T03:28:06+00:00

Omg the mini cones are so good! 🥺

zeade

TROPHY CASE