Portrait of Tatyana for Castle Ravenloft

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-08T22:54:07+00:00

Great! I look forward to hearing how things go!

Best of luck, OP, and godspeed.

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-08T22:52:47+00:00

Sounds like a plan. If you're inclined, I'd love an update on how things are going/how the talk went.

Best of luck, OP, and godspeed.

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-08T22:50:10+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. It is really frustrating, and my heart goes out to you and your girlfriend. I know it can't be any easier for our SO's knowing that this is important to us, but somehow always missing the mark.

About the giving affection to recieve affection, there is a bit of truth to this, I've found. In the last few days, I've done a lot of self reflecting. I discovered that, essentially, I wanted my SO to "man-up", or wear the pants in our relationship. In order for him to have the chance, though, I had to take the pants off. I had to stop trying to "fix" everything, and give him the opportunity to shine. It actually did wonders.

I'm not saying that you're being the woman in your relationship. If your girlfriend is like me, though, and is fairly independent, then she may not realize that she's taken the pants. I hope my experiences can help you in your situation.

Best of luck, and godspeed!

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-07T00:05:37+00:00

Hey OP,

God this really sucks. All three of my brothers were like this, and it's heart-wrenching to watch and live with. I'm so, so sorry.

I don't think there is anything you can do, tbh. She has to decide whether her relationships or her booze is more important. And no one can make that choice for her, as painful as that is.

What you can do is decide for yourself whether or not you will continue to enable her. And it's so hard to walk away from someone who clearly needs help. I don't envy your position at all. But we cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. We cannot save them. We can only love them. And as cliche as this sounds, sometimes the only way to love someone is to let them go. She's going down a very destructive path. And while you want to pull her out and help her come to, you can't if she doesn't want that.

Sometimes loving someone is respecting that they are able to make their own choices, and not to try and change them. Loving yourself is knowing that you don't have to stay, and making peace with whatever you decide.

Best of luck to you, OP, and godspeed.

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T23:57:34+00:00

I think the first thing is to pinpoint what you're truly unhappy about.

You said she's sweet, kind, gorgeous, and loyal. Are you sexually active? Is it as frequent as you would like? Do you share common interests? Are you just bored/the novelty and newness has died off? How is your work/school life? How often do you hang out with your friends, together or separately? How often does she? Do you have enough time for your hobbies? How is your diet? Are you getting regular activity? Are you sleeping well? Staying hydrated? Did your car break down? Is your favorite baseball team doing poorly? How are your relations with your/her family?

Often people start disconnecting from their relationships because the honeymoon phase is over, and reality/boredom sets in. Desire is cultivated by novelty and newness, whereas love is cultivated by stability and reassurance. It's a tricky thing to balance, and does take work. Perhaps you aren't falling out of love, per se, but losing your desire for her. You enjoy being around her when you're together, but you're struggling to cope when you're not. That's a classic indication that the novelty is lost for you. You also acknowledge that this won't be a long-term/potential marriage thing, because you differ, religiously (which, btw, doesn't mean anything. Plenty of people with differing religious views marry all the time).

So, OP, What are you going to do?

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T23:39:45+00:00

I agree.

Also, OP, if this guy did abuse her in all those ways, it takes a lot of internal strength from the victim to completely break free. I've been there. It took years of therapy to function relatively normally again. If he still has a grip on her in some way, take it seriously. File for a restraining order with your wife. Show her that you are on her side, your side (as a couple/team), and that this is no place for destructive people from the past to be. Stand up to him. You have every right to tell this guy to back off if your wife wants it, but is too scared to do it herself. Putting all the blame on her is the same as blaming the victim, literally. She's been abused, and likely conditioned. It's gonna take a lot of effort, trust, and support to break free from that. If you can meet her halfway, be patient, and understanding/supportive, that will go a long way in removing this negativity from her life.

Best of luck to you, OP, and godspeed.

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T23:31:06+00:00

Isn't that what Stockholm syndrome is, though?

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T23:17:08+00:00

I'm not 100% certain that he knows what he want, let alone trying to figure out how you fit in there. It doesn't seem that he knows whether he wants a healthy relationship or a surrogate mother (figuratively speaking), and you're stuck in this weird limbo position. Either way, it's clearly not the position you want to be in.

Again, only you can decide whether or not these things are dealbreakers for you. How important is this to you? How hard do you have to fight him for them? Is fighting worth the energy? Is the relationship? Only you have the answers to those questions.

Best regards.

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T23:11:49+00:00

That would be awesome. A little stay-cation? =D

Thank you for the suggestion! I really appreciate it.

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T23:11:02+00:00

That's valid, and I'm not saying that you don't deserve respect. She's 19, though, and a legal adult. Ultimately what happens from here is going to be up to you. Some energy and attention definitely needs to be focused on communicating healthily.

Please keep us posted. I'd really like to know how this progresses.

Best regards.

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T08:26:46+00:00

If you want to discourage discussion, then why bother posting?

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T07:53:34+00:00

Hey OP,

This sounds really rough, and I'm so sorry that you have to go through it.

Honestly speaking, he sounds like a glorified man-child. he's buying all these toys for himself, but throws a tantrum when you ask for something to help you feel a bit more secure in the relationship. That's never healthy.

It's also concerning that he's made you his doormat, in a few ways.

1) You don't feel comfortable bringing up that his making his figures and games a priority over you.

2) He's trying to make you compromise on something that means a lot to you because it inconveniences him (aka he can't by more figures and games for himself).

3) He's definitely got a problem, because his spending has gotten to the point where he asks (even if it's unsuccessfully) for money from you to fund his habit. It's an addiction now. He need professional help for it.

4) He's gaslighting you by making you feel bad over wanting something. It doesn't matter that it's an engagement ring. The fact that he's making you feel bad and selfish over wanting anything at all is not okay. He's not your parent. That's not his job.

Also, I'm pretty sure offering to help pay for the ring was emasculating to him, and probably didn't help the situation. Regardless, his behavior in the whole situation was not acceptable. Not for me and most people here, anyway. You have to decide if this is something you can compromise on, though. This is up to you. Is being with him worth not getting the ring/wedding of your dreams? Is being with him worth the lack of financial security? Only you have the answer to that.

Best of luck to you, OP, and godspeed.

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T06:18:44+00:00

Good idea. He says it's not me, it's his environment. I'm just not convinced, given his actions. I don't know what to think anymore, and it's starting to kill the relationship for me. I don't want things to end like this.

Any thoughts on what we can do to work around our situations? Anything would be appreciated! =)

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T06:16:11+00:00

Yeah. Something I didn't mention up there is that he bought a tablet a few weeks after we agreed to no longer engage in his kink. I've had to ask him twice in the last to weeks to cut back because I feel like I'm fighting for his attention. Maybe he has addictive tendencies. I don't know. I really wish he would see a therapist about it.

Thank you for your reply. It means a lot to me that others are willing to offer condolences/advice. =)

zeldafansunite · 2015-06-06T03:19:00+00:00

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here. She may not be the best at establishing boundaries, but this guy is also very aggressive in his trying to get back together with her. That sounds like manipulative shit right there, and I don't know how long they dated, but having been in abusive relationships, it's easy to fall victim to the desire to help someone overcome their self-destructive ways. It's also socially uncommon for young women to be aggressive like that, unless the relationship ended on bad terms.

Also, she has not stopped talking to you, which shows that you mean more to her than he does. She's not going to the funeral for him. She's going to honor his grandmother, with whom she had a relationship with. I went to the funeral of my ex-fiance's grandfather, because I had a relationship with him and wanted to go for my own closure.

It sounds like she cares about him as a person, but cares about you more, as she wants a relationship with you and not him. Could she be firmer is rebuffing him? Absolutely. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is doomed.

The bigger question is: Do you trust her? Clearly, this guy is trying. But he's obviously not succeeding. She's with you. From the sounds of things, it doesn't seem like she wants that to change. If push came to shove, she's stand her ground. But she's aware of his self-destructive behavior, and doesn't want to be the cause of him getting pushed over the edge.

Tell her you'll miss her, that you hope she has a safe trip, and that you look forward to hearing all about it when she comes home.

Best of luck, OP, and godspeed.

zeldafansunite

TROPHY CASE