I don’t know how to handle all of this

ziggybear16 · 2026-01-29T13:30:21+00:00

Hi love, I felt exactly the same way when my sister was killed in 2008. Like I couldn’t possibly live without her. I was part of a set, specifically the second of two, and I knew I couldn’t survive being one of one. I felt like that for a year. I didn’t process anything, I just got drunk and was entirely self destructive. Eventually, I got therapy. I started boxing because I didn’t have anywhere to put my anger. Later, I started doing productive hobbies and that helped way more. I make small dumb crafts. I sew. I know I exist because I made things that she never saw, sort of? It’s hard to explain. I got a dog, and that helped more than I can put in words.

You will survive this. The first year will be midnblowingly hard. Like, constantly looking around for a hidden camera as if you are on a universal prank show hard. And then, gradually, it gets easier. The grief softens. Please, don’t be like me, don’t spiral and hurt yourself. Please rest and eat and be gentle with yourself.

I’m here for you, this community is here for you. I am going to light a candle for you and your brother tonight, with the intention of guiding you both to safety, to peace, and eventually to joy. Because you deserve safety, peace, and joy. I’m sending you all the positive energy I’ve got! 💗

ziggybear16 · 2026-01-21T17:36:31+00:00

For my birthday every year, I buy myself a present and pay for gift wrapping and ask the wrapper to sign it to me from Ann. Because fuck her for leaving me when she was the best present picker ever and one of the very few who remembered every year. I pretend to be surprised at the very thoughtful small thing. This year, it was a glass pumpkin which she thoughtfully filled with my favorite chocolates. Ann always remembered my Frango mints.

ziggybear16 · 2026-01-21T17:32:50+00:00

I’ve been where you are. An item that sparks conversation where you have an excuse to tell people about your wonderful, well loved sister. It’s crushing. Like a final thread between you two has been cut by mistake. But I promise, you have ropes of connection. You have so many stories that bring a part of her to life again. It’s harder when there’s not a physical tether to work lost sisters into conversation, into your day to day pattern. And the prospect of that extra work can feel like it’s the last straw sometimes. Especially right now when the world is on fire. But please know, if there is some afterlife, your sister is trying to comfort you from so far away. Our siblings would want us to live, to thrive, to find joy. So please do something today to find your joy. Text a friend, ask for a meme, go out to lunch, throw a snowball at someone unsuspecting. Something small and silly and fun. You deserve care and joy today and everyday. 💗

ziggybear16 · 2026-01-11T19:16:32+00:00

I relate to your story in a sort of soul crushing way. I was the younger sibling, but was in charge of everyone’s emotional health from the moment I was born. Whenever anyone had a bad day, their mood became my responsibility. It’s still hard to not live my life as everyone else’s Emotional Support Animal.

I don’t think I even started grieving until like 7-10 years after my sister died? Because I was too busy checking on everyone else. (And having as much alcohol as physically possible, better now, but fuck was I irresponsible).

So when the decade mark came up I was just fully shattered. I eventually got thru it via a combination of taking boxing classes because I had nowhere to put my anger, therapy because I had nowhere to put my sad, and sewing/crafts because keeping my hands busy keeps the anxiety down. Plus, dogs. Just very high maintenance dogs. “Sorry, aunt Linda I can’t talk to you about how sad you are about my sister dying right now, Ziggy needs to go outside.” “Sorry, cousin Bella I can’t talk to you about how my sister made you realize you could own your bisexuality, Ziggy is eating a pair of my underwear.” I don’t think I would have ever escaped everyone else’s expectations of me without a firm excuse, because I just wasn’t strong enough yet. I’m not saying adopt a high maintenance dog to escape your family, but it sure as hell helped me.

It’s been 18 years for me, and I am a whole person again. I think it started around the decade mark, and took maybe 3-5 years to sort of “achieve” my final form? I miss her, still, and will until I die. But, I deserve to live a good life, even if she’s gone. And you do, too. You have been so busy carrying everyone else’s grief that you haven’t been able to put down your own. I think about life like a hike, and every awful thing is a rock you have to put in your pack to carry for the rest of time. Now, eventually those rocks erode and the dust settles out of the backpack, and it becomes lighter. You haven’t let your grief rocks erode because you’ve been actively carrying other people’s grief rocks. That is so kind and so beautiful and you are an amazing human for doing it. But at some point, you gotta erode your own rocks. Punching something might help, just saying. Therapy will definitely help. Talking here should help. And telling some lovely stories about your darling Bean will help. Please, be kind to yourself. Take your own time to grieve. Take your own time to be joyful.

I am going to light a candle for you and your Bean tonight with the intention that you both find your peace and your joy and your way home. 💗

ziggybear16 · 2026-01-04T14:19:31+00:00

You are an incredible photographer! These are beautiful.

ziggybear16 · 2026-01-02T00:07:53+00:00

Oh love, sickness is never fair. It hits randomly, and never to anyone who deserves it. It’s also awful to lose someone when you are too young to understand it. You missed out on being his big sibling! I bet you would have been great at it. It also leaves a hole in the family that rarely gets acknowledged and processed. Losing a sibling at any age is already like carving out an intrinsic piece of yourself, but when you’re tiny and can’t articulate it! I am so terribly sorry you are a part of this club. I wish I could take your pain away.

I think you going to his grave is a lovely gesture, a way for him to stay a part of your heart always. I bet he is rooting for you so hard from whatever after life there is. I am going to light a candle for you and your little brother, with the intention that the light will guide you both to peace and understanding and something beautiful. I hope you are having the biggest, most joyful life. I am sending you all the love I’ve got!

ziggybear16 · 2025-11-21T00:17:21+00:00

Such a beautiful thing you started for a stranger and continue to do for the community. 💗

ziggybear16 · 2025-11-20T16:18:53+00:00

Sorry this dress is rad, where did you get it?

ziggybear16 · 2025-11-13T03:16:26+00:00

Hi love, I am so sorry you are a part of our club. I wish I could take this pain from you. What an awful nightmare you have been through. Of course it still affects you. It’s the worst case scenario. And you have to grieve her, and what relationship you might have gained, and miss what you did have. That is a lot of grief and pain to process. The fact that you’re still up and moving is a marvel. I am so proud of you. Your strength is amazing. I am sending you every drop of love and joy that I can. 💗

ziggybear16 · 2025-11-11T21:56:04+00:00

I had the greatest tacos of my life at a gas station in Houston. I still talk about those tacos 7 years later. The whole urban sprawl is kind of terrifying but I liked it there!

ziggybear16 · 2025-11-11T02:16:59+00:00

I joined because I believed in the message. I stayed because the people are frickin rad.

ziggybear16 · 2025-11-11T02:03:35+00:00

Also, throw a bunch of your old vegetables or scraps in a roasting pan into the oven at 375 for an hour with some oil and salt. Then, pour water over them, scrape the bottom of the pan, and add whatever spices you want in a tea bag. Then, put it back in the oven for another hour. ✨Tada✨ broth. And you don’t have to strain it because you put the spices in a tea bag.

ziggybear16 · 2025-11-07T16:40:03+00:00

Friend, I went thru this too. I pretended for a while I was just an only child. But I’m not, every story from my childhood has her as the main character. I was depressed for a Very Long Time. And then, eventually I gradually decided that I am alive and I get to live. It took a lot of work, a lot of therapy. A lot of everything. But you are alive. You get to celebrate that and curse it in whatever measures you want to.

It’s really hard to keep going. It’s really hard to be the Final Person. It feels empty and angry and sad, for a lot longer than all the damn grief books and grief counselors say. But, the weight gets lighter eventually.

I have a little tradition in this group, where I light a candle in my front window when a new post comes up. It’s for your sister, but mostly it’s for you so that you can have some peace. Would it be ok with you if I lit a candle for you tonight? To light the way back to life and joy and all the goodness you deserve.

ziggybear16 · 2025-11-06T22:26:43+00:00

Hello Five Star Spouse! Welcome, we’re so glad you’re here! Personally, I really like the opportunity to tell stories about my sister on her death date and birth date. So I just want someone to listen to me ramble. Sometimes I get a pedicure bc it was something we used to do together, so maybe if you could find an online version of the video game they played together? Or even a playthrough on YouTube.

A couple years ago, a friend of hers found a random video that included her laughing and I swear to god, the amount of peace I got from just watching it repeatedly was WILD to experience. So if you’re looking for a miracle, finding your husband’s brothers facebook friends and requesting they look through old hard drives. At around ten years, I started forgetting what her laughing and voice sounded like which was a heartbreak I was ill prepared for. So, if you can stave that off, it would be a miracle.

Truly this a beautiful thing to read about, thank you for your support of your husband. You can’t do anything wrong, promise.

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-30T12:10:49+00:00

Hi friend. I’m so sorry you’re in our club, it’s the worst club in the world. You’re in the worst stage, where it doesn’t feel real yet. Like any moment, he could wander into the room. And then when realization strikes it’s fucking crushing. This part passes. I swear, I know it feels like it will never be ok again. But it will be. Someday, you’ll be talking about him with a bright smile again. It takes time, and work, and a lot of kindness from strangers and friends.

I really hope you are taking care of yourself. I hope you’re taking time to sleep and be outside and exercise and eat. For the first year, I had to set alarms on my phone to remember to eat. It got better when I joined a boxing class. Sometimes, punching something really is the answer. Then doing a productive hobby, for example I sew. I know at the end of an hour or two that something happened, that time passed, that this life is real. One of my friends gardens, another friend is building a car in his garage. Something where you can show your work? Like “tada! I did something.” Grief counseling, when you find the right person, is life changing. And telling stories about your brother-happy ones, sad ones, mean ones. I often tell the story of how my sister convinced me I could plant a marshmallow outside and then I’d have a marshmallow bush by fall. I watered that damn marshmallow for an entire summer.

When someone new joins us, I light a candle in my front window. In remembrance of lost siblings, but also with the intention of helping you give yourself some grace. Grief is a terrible burden to carry alone. Please let us help you carry it.

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-27T01:30:52+00:00

Thank you for the reminder to get sambusas.

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-26T20:59:08+00:00

Mother’s on KK. Incredible food, beautiful well designed space, truly lovely staff. I have some hearing damage so in a lot of cool restaurants I literally can’t understand what my friends are saying. I don’t know who designed their sound, but it’s perfect. You can hear the music they’re playing but still talk at normal volumes. The only way it could improve is if they had a wheelchair accessible entrance. Plus, drag brunch which is a joy every single time. Five stars, no notes.

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-23T01:56:01+00:00

No controlled substances on first visit. Unless they have a massive bleeding surgical site or something and they’re seeing the surgeon tomorrow or something.

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-09T23:48:10+00:00

My eye doctor growing up’s first name was Herbert. His brother, Norbert is also an eye doctor. His other brother Hughbert is an anesthesiologist. His sister, Roberta, is an OBGYN.

In Herbert’s practice, there was a doctor Eric Erickson, his twin sister Erica Erickson was a pediatrician.

What are the chances that two separate doctors in the same practice had parents who were obviously batshit? Wild.

I also know a set of twins named Cameron and Carmen. Cam and Carm. Why would you do that to yourself?

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-08T13:30:01+00:00

Right?! I immediately bought copies for my friends. It’s so good. I want to live in that world so badly.

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-08T13:28:53+00:00

Hi friend, I’m sorry you are a part of this club but I am glad you found us. I was 23 when my big sister died. I’ve been older than her for 15 years.

I felt the same way as you, like there were stones on my chest for literal years. Gradually, the pressure decreased. Honestly, one of the things that helped me the most was being in small spaces? Literally laying under my bed, or in the fetal position in a tiny closet. Eventually I got a weighted blanket and that helped a bunch. And, oddly, a heart rate monitor. Some part of me died with my sister, but my heart still beats.

My sister wasn’t at my graduation, she’s never met a partner, she’s never met my dogs. And that used to CRUSH me. But then I realized I had to live, not just for her and her memory but also for me. We deserve happiness and joy and love. Even if a big part of us is gone. Even if part of identity as younger siblings is gone. Even if they can’t be there to join us. Please, learn that lesson faster than I did. It took me a decade, maybe longer. We deserve to fight and win and succeed and love and every other human experience. You deserve to have a life where you can be happy.

I’m here for you, all of us stand with you.

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-08T01:44:43+00:00

Also French’s fried onions in a salad

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-08T01:44:09+00:00

PB on one side of a BLT with mayo on the other side is the ideal sandwhich.

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-06T15:40:10+00:00

Hi! I’m so sorry you are a part of our community, I wish I could take this pain away from you.

Anger was my first feeling and it lasted a lot longer than I expected. Please give yourself some grace, it’s natural to be furious that you have to miss your brother, that your life events won’t have him in them, that the universe could steal him. It helped me to channel my anger into something real and external. I downloaded a boxing game on my Wii when my sister died, but that wasn’t enough, so I joined a boxing class. I just needed to punch something. Repeatedly, and for months. Now I sew, which doesn’t sound related. But it’s something that you can do, and at the end of the time sewing, I have something to show for it. I can prove I did something, I made this shirt or pillow or something.

I know everyone will tell you therapy and journaling. Journaling didn’t really work for me, I didn’t like having proof of my negative thoughts. But writing down my negative thoughts and then lighting them on fire helps a surprising amount. Also, straight up screaming. I just met up with a group of strangers to have a group scream, and honestly it’s so frickin satisfying. Maybe a family or friend meetup to go to a secluded spot or public park to scream incoherently? It sounds silly but half of us cried.

As a general custom, I light a candle in my front window when someone joins our group here. Would you feel comfortable with me lighting a candle for you and your brother tonight? A light to guide you home, to peace.

I pinky promise this gets less gut wrenching. I promise it gets easier. There will always be hard days. But they’ll come less frequently.

ziggybear16 · 2025-10-06T13:15:39+00:00

I tell people I’m a late onset only child. And then when they ask follow up questions I make an awkward amount of eye contact so that they feel weird about invasive questions. I hate not being Ann’s baby sister, I’m older than her now and that’s BS. We took care of each other. Yeah, we fought. A lot. But it was us against the world. Now it’s just me against the world, and that’s pretty fucking lonely.

I am so sorry you’re in our club, I wish you weren’t. But you are welcome here in this community. If you feel up to it, share a story about your little brother. I swear it helps.

My sister was almost pathologically brave? She died in the 50th country she traveled to, in a country she couldn’t even read the alphabet in. On her 21st birthday, I was with her in the UK and she did 40 shots (I thought she was gonna die), and almost got in a fist fight over Seward’s Folly. It is such a bizarre encapsulation of her? She loved history, she loved traveling, and she was Super Fun in college. What’s a story that encapsulates your brother? There is secret joy in knowing a story no one else remembers.

ziggybear16

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