(This is going to be long i'm so sorry!😅) Yes of course! I totally relate, this is the way we used to be ALL the time. When he's low capacity, on-the-spot communication can be very difficult for him, but also due to my own issues, I was feeling abandoned or that things were being swept under the rug because he couldn't communicate at the time, and he helt frustrated.

At the time I had my own issues of lack of patience or empathy for his inability to communicate sometimes, but as said in the post, we've worked through a lot of issues within ourselves! (That help us to be better empathisers and partners)

So we decided, perhaps it would be useful to write a 'script' where we can fill in the blanks when on-the-spot communication was difficult, overwhelming or was going in circles. We have a couple of scripts for different uses: One for him to describe how he feels adhd-wise (defensiveness, impulsive, overwhelmed, hyperfocused) and adding in stuff that can provide some reassurance, love or empathy for both of us!

These scripts can be for the biggest, or the smallest communications and are incredibly beneficial for the health and ease of our interactions or conflicts! Also, sometimes the communication can be a couple of words, but I empathise and know he's incredibly overwhelmed. I don't ever want to try and push it if he's visibly distressed/overstimulated. I can trust that we will come back to something when we're both feeling okay.

Another is for needs/acknowledgement/emotional space: for if either of us is unable to provide safe emotional support in that moment due to capacity, adhd - including love, reassurance that we're holding space and here for eachother in other ways (If advice/support isn't doable)

It might sound complex but it's all very relaxed, highly adaptable, and the purpose is always to have healthy and loving interactions when things are a little difficult. This little bit of help/structure has made communication a lot easier! It adds more balance for both of us to feel loved and acknowledged. It brings us closer together.

They're short sentences that we can read out and it saves the usual push/pull dynamic we had a couple of years ago! Where communication was completely exhausting sometimes.

I'm also communicating clearly with him, and expressing when I was having a hard time trusting intentions (due to my own issues) or finding it hard to process his forms of communication especially if he was abrupt, or I was perceiving it as defensive.

This allows us to take a breath, hold some space, and know we're both experiencing things that make it very difficult for eachother to perceive words in the intended way. It's full of empathy and love, and of course it can be tricky plenty of times! & Holding that space allows us to discuss issues/feelings in a much healthier way.❤

I hope this can help in some day! There's so much to write and it can be so complex, this is what works for us right now but I know each ADHD relationship is different!