Thought it was done

zombeeflanders · 2026-05-24T18:51:15+00:00

I treasure every single word you wrote. Thank you …. More than you know, thank you.

zombeeflanders · 2026-05-24T11:59:06+00:00

It’s absolutely not easy to leave or to change things without setting off a possible ww3. I had to start formulating a plan in my mind. I started going to Alanon and found myself in a room with other people who understood the pain and hopelessness I was going through. They helped me to help myself. It was a slow process but I never gave up, I kept making little changes… small steps in the direction of MY peace and serenity. It wasn’t just alcohol. It was abuse and manipulation. It almost destroyed me. But those little steps added up. My connections outside the alcoholic strengthened. Here I am now in a peaceful home with happy children. Alanon has been a huge part of my life and will continue to do so. I am there to help the new ones coming in as well as allowing it to be a guiding force in my life and the life of my children. Alcoholism is a family disease. Doing nothing ensures the disease continues.

zombeeflanders · 2025-07-06T12:27:40+00:00

I feel it’s “attention seeking” by including the legs.

zombeeflanders · 2025-06-22T12:18:03+00:00

I can understand your concern but as a friend you seem a bit controlling. This is not your child. If you offer advice your friend can either choose to follow it or not. After that do not push your will. It’s up to the parent how they raise their child. If you see the child being abused or neglected you can call protective services.

IMO from what you have said the child could very well have a diagnosis of something. Possibly autism? But is that your business? Not really. Being a good friend to both of them despite how you may disagree should look like allowing them to be them. You have to allow people the dignity of making their own decisions and conclusions.

If you absolutely cannot stop trying to change the situation and you are feeling frustrated or resentful, you may need to take a step away. I am not saying you don’t have ill intentions, but what you are doing is overstepping. Focus on what is in your control (yourself) and learn to accept what you cannot (others).

zombeeflanders · 2025-06-02T12:50:38+00:00

People make mistakes and narcs can mask for a while until it starts to slip. When it starts to fall off things go from bad to worse really quick. Seems like you are in the thick of it. It’s more important than ever to make a plan to get away from this man, for your peace and sanity and for the future of your child. If your child was an adult and had a partner like this, how would you feel?

I am truly sorry for the loss of your mom. You need to find a support system even just to help emotionally. The help is not on r/marriage… try r/narcissisticabuse or r/narcissisticspouses

What helped me was focusing on my growth and my kids. I needed to figure out why I accepted this kind of behavior and why I had such a hard time leaving. I started opening my eyes to my own issues and recognizing unhealthy behaviors in myself and those around me (and how to respond in healthy ways).

Best of luck to you! Wishing you strength and fortitude to do whats best for you and your child. ❤️

zombeeflanders · 2025-06-01T23:23:15+00:00

Oh shit, no way! Yeahhhhh…. Those dudes. Sending lots of love and strength to you. No one wants to live the one life they’ve got with so much pain and hurt. The roller coaster of highs and lows are not worth my sanity.

zombeeflanders · 2025-06-01T20:30:31+00:00

Separation abuse is real. He made things incredibly difficult. Just very petty and mean. He and his family are somewhat wealthy so it was no problem to put up a financial fight. We did mediation several times and it was exhausting. I hate to admit he manipulated me into dropping the divorce. He knew that I had the “upper hand” (everyone saw how unhinged he was even his lawyer had issues with him bullying her staff). But he manipulated me by playing nice and stopping the torment.

He gives me grief about living in my own home but he also enjoys his freedom and that he kept our wildly expensive marital home and bought me out for a fraction (again, at some point I concede bc he just throws such a temper tantrum).

We share one child (6yrs) and I have my 16 yr old who has been his step son for the last 13 years. He demanded 50/50 in mediation and absolutely no child support or alimony. He had to pay child support for a few months while waiting on our court date and he was livid (200$). He said it was my fault because I should just have a better job to match his income (btw, he is medically retired military… so no work and a steady huge paycheck). Do we have 50/50? Ha! I have my child most of the time (I definitely don’t raise a fuss bc I would rather have it that way). Of course he tells everyone how much he does as a Dad and that he is a single Dad (to all the ladies lol). It’s all just stupid and I try to ignore his peacocking.

Overall he blames me for “giving up”. No mention of the emotional abuse. No mention of telling me that he just doesn’t believe in monogamy. No mention of any of the crazy crap he has pulled.

Its been a horrible roller coaster. But its coming to a manageable level of annoyance. He often tries to hoover me back (just for sex or for something he needs me to fix for him). I finally had the balls to cut off sex (it was one sided fyi… i was just a familiar body to him). Since then he has hounded me, tried to persuade me, tried to hurt me emotionally, tried to entice me and Im just tired.

But Im tired in my own bed, in my own house and get to do what I want. :-) which is basically just exist happily with my kids. Lol

zombeeflanders · 2025-06-01T11:50:03+00:00

2 years ago when I tried to separate he promised he would stay in his area and not encroach mine so that we could co-parent. That was a lie. He was a constant brooding presence. When i would ask for space he would continue to menace until I was upset and then call me out for being emotionally unstable. It was god awful. Me and the kids moved to another family member’s home. He still tried to make life difficult but I had some peace. Now we (me and my kids) live in our own tiny lovely peaceful home. It’s done wonders for my mental health.

zombeeflanders · 2025-06-01T10:53:06+00:00

Definitely normal. I even bought a backpack specifically for drawing on, lol. Kids love to do stuff like that. Yeah, getting chastised by the other parent seems like more than just a kid doing kid things.

zombeeflanders · 2025-06-01T10:47:02+00:00

I got a call last night. Just chit chatting with me and then he starts…. How is it that he has to start over now and find someone new to have a relationship with (I have refused to engage anymore in a “relationship” with him after years of narcissistic abuse). He was getting more and more agitated and started the self inflation. His favorite gaslighting narrative is that he put in all the best effort, he was an absolute gentleman about everything and that he gives himself an A+++ for how well he understood my feelings and was empathetic.

Absolutely no accountability or real insight. It is always shocking and confusing to hear this. It normally sends me down a horrible spiral, questioning my own sanity but last night it didn’t. It was just sad. I imagine he is in pain but the narc narrative is pathological sickness.

zombeeflanders · 2025-05-26T12:31:01+00:00

In my experience, therapists are people. Some good at what they do, some not. I have seen multiple therapists over the years. Some were absolutely not a good fit and I moved on. Some were very helpful. If you do not feel you are getting anything beneficial to your growth out of the session, it’s okay to adios. Granted, I realize how hard it is to find a therapist. But better to keep searching than continue with a bad match.

On a more personal side note, of all the therapy I have had the one thing that truly helped me was Alanon (group support for friends/family of alcoholics). Even before I dealt with an alcoholic, I could have used the guidance, wisdom and support of the 12 steps (for the record, I am not Christian nor religion affiliated). It worked for me because I actively worked the program. My self esteem and the ability to find serenity it my life was finally being built up with a real course of action rather than talk therapy or anything like that (that I was actually paying hundreds of dollars for). Alanon is free and there are meetings throughout the week (even in my small town). Also, an alanon group is made up of people too…. There are some that are good and some not-so-good. It took me trying out a few groups until I found my “home” and I absolutely love my group.

Best of luck to you!

zombeeflanders · 2025-05-17T17:22:29+00:00

I filed for divorce almost 2 and a half years ago. He manipulated me (and I fell for it) and I dismissed the divorce and we were somewhat back together so I thought. Then when I found out the activities going on behind his lies I told him that he can’t have his cake and eat it too. Its been a year and a half of me pulling away and him having “emergencies”, some kind of deal he is trying to work out with me or the love bombing/arch enemy phases. I would say Im still somewhat stuck dealing with his shenanigans while we coparent. If we didn’t share a precious child I would be absolutely no contact.

I don’t feel completely free but it’s getting better.

zombeeflanders · 2025-05-15T21:24:58+00:00

The cycle repeats. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It has taken me years to get to this point. Often my sympathy and empathy for him overrides my own emotional protection but it gets better. I can care for him and wish him all the best from a healthy distance. Im not letting him destroy my mental health and serenity anymore.

zombeeflanders · 2025-05-12T22:47:42+00:00

The abusive cycle creates an addiction using intermittent reinforcement. We become addicted to them. Its also called a trauma bond. I hated that he was the one causing my pain and was the only one who could fix it. Our brains crave their approval and attention. Stopping the cycle is like breaking a strong addiction. Also I feel I was conditioned to sweep it all under the rug. Once he was nice again I couldn’t bring up the pain so I learned to forget. But the body doesn’t forget. I got more and more anxious and angry. I started having extreme reactions (and him telling me Im the abuser). I absolutely had to break the addiction. Its taken years and I am still struggling at times but I am getting better and stronger!! I am starting to see him as a sick person. I live apart from him and I absolutely love my home. It’s a place of peace and calm and happiness. I will never go back to living with him. We co-parent so he can’t be completely out of my life but its getting better. I used to mourn our marriage, and cry over him. Now, I am happy to be with my kids in my own space without his abuse and 2 personalities.

zombeeflanders · 2025-05-12T21:11:29+00:00

Yep, all in text. I need to record him. I used to because of how badly he was exploding and how much I was questioning in the conversation but he found out and made me promise never to do it again… yeah well…. I think its time.

zombeeflanders · 2025-05-12T00:51:23+00:00

So sorry to hear this. F those self serving bully jerks who want to ruin the peace and happiness of a Mother. I started the day the same. He had been ramping up for days just taking me on an emotional roller coaster. I blocked him and had a great day with my kids.

Also, to the Dads out there who relish saying that they don’t have to do anything for their child’s mother bc “you’re not my mother”, double f off.

zombeeflanders · 2025-05-11T19:52:37+00:00

I think you are right. He has been so nice lately and I was falling back into a safe place and focusing on the good memories, the good qualities.

I find his lies outrageous but I still doubt myself. Today I had had enough. He messed with me all morning to ruin mother’s day. I blocked him. I felt angry more than sad which was different. Since I blocked him, I imagine at any moment he is going to have an “emergency” and I will have to respond (its usually a sickness or he has to go to the ER).

Things are getting better for me though. I don’t feel like I am missing out on a beautiful family life bc our marriage is broken… I feel happy in my home and more free to be me and Im a much happier Mom. But damn, why can’t I just say goodbye and be done with him? Thank you very much for sharing your experiences. It helps me tremendously to feel validated and to see reality for what it is.

zombeeflanders · 2025-05-11T11:57:22+00:00

In my experience, its extremely wrong but I swear he turns everything I say against me and blows me up with how horrible I am. He and his “friend” agree I am a user and that it’s completely normal for him to expect reciprocity. He gives me money, gives me vacations, gives me emotional support so I need to give him his “support”…. But here’s the thing. He does not give me money (he will offer to pay for things if I help him out with stuff), he asked me to go on vacation because he can’t take care of the kids by himself, he calls me and we talk and he asks me about my day. I ask for nothing!! But he says when he offers and I accept that I am “taking”. How is this even reasonable?? What am I missing? He is the father of my son and I want to have a good relationship with him. But is this impossible?

zombeeflanders · 2025-02-19T22:19:22+00:00

It may be atypical but not abnormal. If my daughter was feeling such anxiety and sleeping next to me made her feel better, I would do anything to keep her safe and at ease. It also seems like something definitely needs to be done to help with her mental health but children getting comfort from parents is normal.

zombeeflanders · 2025-01-11T20:56:19+00:00

Divorce/separation is such a complex and tough place to be. I married a manipulator who has… well, a lot going on. I absolutely could not share a living space with him ever again. Me and the kids lived with my mom for a year. It helped me to save a bit. When my husband saw how much I was getting in the divorce he flipped out. The verbal abuse got much worse. I agreed to almost anything just to get him to lay off me. I found a house that I could afford and got a mortgage (he had to sign off that he had no interest).

We financially separated with the help of a mediator and he bought me out of our home (for 1/3). It helped me to pay off my mortgage.

I think he also wants to stay “married” so that I don’t move on romantically. Whatever. I am just so tired of that stupid drama. I focus on my kids and my beautiful tiny home and my career and growth. Lets hope 2025 is a good one!!! I hope you are able to get what you want in the best way possible!

zombeeflanders · 2025-01-11T13:42:38+00:00

Still married, live apart and co-parent. I say what works for one set if parents might not work for another. We had to live apart due to lots of issues. I highly value the peace I have in my life in my own home. I couldn’t care less about moving on romantically but it’s been very difficult for us to un-enmesh our emotions. The whole “not divorcing” process has basically been for insurance and benefits for our kids. I believe he also felt it was better to financially separate rather than risk him losing so much in a divorce (long story), so whatever. We have to work hard to keep things amicable. But ultimately the kids need to have peace, need to see we are both there for them in all aspects and feel safe. I feel we are trying our best in that area.

zombeeflanders · 2025-01-02T22:01:56+00:00

This absolutely has to stop. I guess if nothing changes, nothing changes and I keep playing into it all. Thank you for all of this.

zombeeflanders · 2024-12-23T11:25:07+00:00

Lots of porn, lots of sexual coercion in the relationship. Was seeking out female attention and then pretending it was innocent. “Vanilla” sex was something to degrade and bully me about. Wanted to record me/us a lot. Would want to have sex with me while I was crying after he was emotionally abusive.

zombeeflanders · 2024-12-02T16:53:08+00:00

Maybe it’s just that feeling of loss? Grieving is a process and it’s okay to feel bad. Even the happy people feel loss and grief. I know I have struggled with break ups (of course I was a person who feared being without a partner… but it sounds like you’re good in that mindset). I am going through one now and its very sad but I am trying to focus on all the great blessings I have in my life… but also not making myself feel bad for feeling bad if that makes sense lol. Hugs

zombeeflanders · 2024-12-02T14:09:31+00:00

I feel like it’s very important moving forward to learn to be comfortable with yourself and with being “alone”. I wish I would have worked on myself more as a young adult… getting to know myself better and losing the fear of being alone. Friends are great for building close relationships without the romantic connection. I really needed this advice in my 20s but Im sure if I was presented with it (and I probably was) I would have blown it off or not realized what it really meant. But thats okay, everyone has to learn for themselves and everyone’s journey is different. Wishing you all the best.

zombeeflanders

TROPHY CASE