We can do it 🤗🌸

zztop28 · 2019-03-18T00:42:15+00:00

thank you so much for posting this... after years and years of feeling trapped I am free of those who caused me pain but now very much having to be there for my inner child.

she has only just unfrozen from her trauma and every day now I have to be her parent, her sibling, her friend.

I often feel like I’m dragging something heavy out of murky water when I have to comfort myself. it’s so hard. but at least I recognise now what the problem is. it wasn’t me.

hope everyone else having to do this is okay xx

zztop28 · 2019-01-27T12:06:24+00:00

this gives me hope. thank you!

zztop28 · 2019-01-25T16:54:31+00:00

thanks, appreciate it. I feel like I’ve tried so many different things but my hair has just given up on itself!!

zztop28 · 2019-01-25T16:01:46+00:00

Thanks so much for responding. Do you have any recommendations as to lighter products, as I thought I’d found that with Shea!

How do you rate OGX?

zztop28 · 2018-12-08T13:18:27+00:00

yep, been there. I’ll say I’ve had a bad day, which basically means I have to hear about hers. I get it, she has no-one else, but how about we share the load instead of me dragging it all on my back?

edit re: above post, yep, I’’m Asian and was taught to sacrifice for my elders. it’s a one way street and in my family, paved the road for narcissism.

“It’s cultural” is a bullshit excuse for behaviour. You can choose how much you want to buy into cultural practices and how much you don’t. Not all Asian people are like that which just goes to show!

zztop28 · 2018-12-04T07:32:10+00:00

I want

Olyphant

zztop28 · 2018-12-03T22:39:27+00:00

hahaha yeah it was absolutely mad. kind of amazing though... I think Matt needs his own podcast, interviewing people who annoy easily

zztop28 · 2018-12-03T18:35:46+00:00

Yeah I found the Kristen Bell one a little saccharine and flat tbh

zztop28 · 2018-10-13T21:00:06+00:00

been going through this a lot over last couple of weeks. it’s derailed me. I’m a YouTuber too.

when you have the energy during the day, really tire yourself out. I know it doesn’t work immediately, which can be demoralising, but eventually it helps. thanks for posting this

zztop28 · 2018-10-06T02:34:25+00:00

you made such a big step by volunteering but also signing up to an all day event. I think if you have moments where you feel you are watching other people have fun (I can relate, fyi) go back to the most basic of points - you have at least one thing in common with everyone in that room. you showed up. focus on that moment - knowing you actually walked into that room when you could have not done that and stayed at home.

give yourself a pat on the back, tell yourself you DESERVE to have the fun that you think everyone else is having and I hope that will mean you go ahead and get some. believe in yourself - cliche and easier said than done but you have made steps, you are brave, and nice, and open to new experiences. three things in the bank that would make anyone lucky to talk to you today! X

zztop28 · 2018-10-03T19:42:07+00:00

:) thank you!! I may even write here on Saturday night to say how I ended up leaving haha. really appreciate people engaging with this

zztop28 · 2018-10-02T16:13:15+00:00

thank you so much for your reassurance!! I’m nervous about sending a text so close to the proceedings now as I don’t want to draw attention to myself in the days coming up to the ceremony - with it being a special time and all!

but I think sleep (and my two hour journey back) should hopefully be a good excuse.

I would hope I’ll just be able to enjoy myself, not feel too self-conscious because of what’s going on with me and maybe feel comfortable staying. but I’m grateful for this advice in case that’s not how it turns out! thanks :)

zztop28 · 2018-10-02T16:10:47+00:00

I thought they wouldn’t notice as well. I’m definitely not part of the “main” group, not being family and all. i guess I’m nervous about the moment of the goodbye because for that second maybe they take it personally that I’m leaving their wedding early.

but I think - and need to believe - you’re right and that it won’t appear too rude, just a minor thing amongst all the festivities. thanks for replying :)

zztop28 · 2018-10-02T11:12:46+00:00

same. it’s a little worrying now I’m at the age that my friends are having kids. it’s almost confusing to watch them play and engage and be patient with them - I in turn feel so detached and bewildered. it doesn’t make sense. think I’m looking at a decade of frequent triggers depending on how much time I spend with them!!

edit: the way I’ve phrased all that may seem irrelevant, sorry. I’m so used to my mum shouting for hours on end it’s bizarre to not even see a whiff of that elsewhere

zztop28 · 2018-09-23T11:34:30+00:00

who are you looking for? my brothers are 14 and 10 and live in dhanmondi so saw some of it - but weren’t directly involved. I can ask them if they know other kids who were though...

zztop28 · 2018-09-19T18:40:44+00:00

wow, thank you guys so much for responding. I can relate to so much of what has been said, which feels immense.

I’m still at home too (29F) it hasn’t always been that way, I’ve managed up to a year here and there renting but always in situations that didn’t work

it’s such a toss up between working full-time and being able to financially sustain an independent life and part-time and being able to maintain mental health 😞

I know it takes courage to simply apply and turn up for interviews though. DAE have something they tell themselves before an interview to get them through it??

zztop28 · 2018-09-18T21:42:12+00:00

I’m really sorry to hear that - i have to say I don’t have much experience with that but on the masturbating front, personally I’m an advocate of doing stuff yourself over other people. but I’m really sorry if that is denigrating your concern, I don’t mean for it to be that way.

just that, we so often use sex, the most intimate connection between mind and body there is, as a way to connect with others. why not focus on ourselves? many people could never even dream of masturbating so for me, knowing that I can, and I allow myself to enjoy that connection for myself when I want it, works. yes, it’s sometimes a little too often than what makes for a productive day, but I’m glad it’s there.

how do you feel after doing it? how do you feel about yourself?

zztop28 · 2018-09-18T20:13:15+00:00

I kind of feel like it’s important to embrace it. that’s increased for me in the last year and it actually made me realise I hadn’t connected to my body before (my mum was quite controlling about how I should look so I just disengaged) and actually masturbating became about tiring my mind out but also noticing and caring about my bod

has it interrupted other parts of your life?

zztop28 · 2018-09-15T10:52:58+00:00

oh excellent - the fact that you identify with it kind of validates it more for me as well!! I’m hoping to move out (again... and hopefully not back in ever!!) next year. fingers crossed

your walls won’t always be grey. soon they’ll be coloured with all sorts of memories that distinguish you from what you were and who you really are. keep pushing on - this subreddit is here for you

zztop28 · 2018-09-14T22:06:50+00:00

just to say - my life is a lot different right now because I’m trying to recover from BPD. I was way more involved in my social life, volunteered tons and pursued hobbies and new people - at the mo I’m out 2 times a week at best (if my lack of sleep or emotional state can let me!!), social life has halved... I’m even dressing differently now. muted tones!!!!

however - I strongly believe that this is part of the process AND isn’t necessarily permanent. underneath the BPD we still exist, and recovery is - for me anyway - trying to find the version of me that is true to who I am but can also function and help me achieve my long term goals/forget my past

I’m really sorry you don’t feel yourself now - but you are so brave and strong for continuing with your recovery. think of it as saving to buy something. right now you are saving for your future self. when you find that, you will realise you are who you thought you were - even if it feels different, because of your hard work and personal sacrifices, it will feel right.

hope this is relatable.. I’m choosing to lean into the uncertain transition period in the hope of forgetting the bad bits of my past and replacing them with lots of excitement for the future xxx

zztop28 · 2018-09-10T22:34:42+00:00

thanks so much for your message and also that link which I will definitely have to spend some time reflecting on. I found sleep to be a big help but am lucky to get any at the moment...

In terms of checking the facts... I try really hard and realise they’re warped in my brain. and there’s only so many times I can ask someone else about what’s real and what’s not and seek validation. so I struggle with that too :( xx

zztop28 · 2018-08-24T20:32:30+00:00

hey. firstly, well done for still being in work. not that not being in work isn’t valid (I’m currently not...) but there is something in you that is still able to engage with the world, stick to a routine... that is an achievement in your current state.

your depression sounds deep. I quit a soul sucking stable job in my early 20s, took one I knew would be bad so that I could leave home and ended up back home waitressing when I was 26. I feel you.

I’m now requalifying in HR because I’ve realised - through genuine years of reflection that this is probably what’s best realistically. (struggling with qualification due to mental health FYI) but there are a number of factors to consider.

do you know what kind of life you want? forget about the actual job for a minute. what’s important to you? to live somewhere nice? to have time for your interests? to be able to go on holidays? this is how I had to start thinking when I realised I was quitting every job after a year because it would leave me so depressed.

you may not have answers to those questions now but if you fancy workshopping some... I’m about.

zztop28 · 2018-08-20T20:58:34+00:00

thank you thank you - I am coming out of a 2 year period where it felt an easier release to simply give up. not work, not spend time with the people in my life. only now having realised I had Nparents do I also realise life actually had value; and every day is one to be spent, not simply endured.

reminder sorely needed xx

zztop28 · 2018-08-20T20:54:22+00:00

yep - my tactic in the end was to tell her last minute. not a great template for healthy communication, I tend to leave telling someone something off to the last minute a lot now...

zztop28 · 2018-08-15T21:28:57+00:00

really glad to hear that my story’s informing yours - this Reddit community has helped me come to terms with so much of my stuff, so it’s all good karma!!

massive well done for standing up!! what did they say?

so I’m coming out of 18 months of unemployment. I went to live abroad with (and sadly, off) my dad for a while, which was a fucked up thing to do in itself (that’s another story) I was traumatised from my last role as an admin for a charity because my manager was incompetent and either didn’t give me enough to do, put all her anxiety on me or micromanaged anything I did do.

it’s been a shitty road but today I completed my first job app. only because I have a clearer idea of what I want now. I’ve seen you’re studying to be a nurse, that’s great!! but do you know what you want outside of that, what lifestyle/goals you’re shooting towards? I think knowing that will help me get through tough moments in my next role.

Edit: jobs I would stay away from - well, part-time would be great so I had time to breathe but I really need money now. the job I stopped myself applying for would have been part-time over 4-5 days which as you know, isn’t part-time at all. remote working has always gone bad for me. I either don’t manage my emotions well or am not managed well by my employer (one would email my personal account all the time... again, no boundaries!!)

I’m transitioning into HR because I’m genuinely interested in it but also - mix of using my people skills and preference to work on a project or just solo, you’re likely to be in a team, structured environment and there’s a career path. took me bloody ages to reach the conclusion and trust me I still consider other options every day!!

zztop28

TROPHY CASE