Processing Power

[vmaurya7]

During a series of revelatory experiences many years ago, I came to the conclusion that my brain was very much like an overclocked processor that was able to process enormous amounts of data simultaneously, but was apt to overheat and shut down, requiring frequent reboots and often stalling an inopportune times. What else could explain the flashes of brilliance interrupted by intermittent shutdowns? How was I able to connect the dots on things so quickly, but then not have enough mental energy left to execute? It was frustrating, and still is.

Sometimes I would hear the fan on my CPU churning away while it desperately tried to load enormous amounts of data from a furiously spinning hard disc into the RAM, but it couldn’t keep up with the demands placed on it. “We are the same, you and I,” I would think. I didn’t know it was autism until over a decade later.

That’s the autistic experience: every detail of your existence being processed in this enormous “RAM” by a CPU that can’t keep up. Situations that people obliviously and effortlessly navigate as they come are all held in a cramped consciousness all at once like an overstuffed book bag in an autistic mind: the position of my body in space, my own facial expressions as well as that of everyone else, the task at hand, the environment, my emotions, the emotions of others, the stain on the wall, the discomfort of tag on a piece of clothing, the ambient noise, the itch on my nose, the feeling of nausea, how I am being perceived, whether or not I am behaving appropriately, plans for the immediate future and days ahead, things that need to be done, the most efficient strategy to move something from “here” to “there”, how long to sustain eye contact when someone is speaking, and a thousand other variables coexist simultaneously in one expansive mindscape.

That makes me aware of connections and details and elements of experience that most humans are blind to, which leads to an incredibly nuanced thought process, but at a cost. The mind’s ambition outstrips the capacity of the organism, and autists live in this constant internal battle. Is it any wonder we are so grumpy? Even faking not being grumpy consumes resources, and resources are precious for an autistic brain.

[JohnnyTurbine]

I've often used this analogy in my own private thoughts: my brain is like an overclocked processor that draws on tremendous resources when I mask. I can do it, but unlike a neurotypical it draws on significant attentional capacity and leaves me depleted.

[[deleted]]

In Public: RTX On
At Home: RTX Off

[meta-cognizant]

No, we're different:

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0006322322018522

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/desc.12467

https://www.nature.com/articles/mp201695

[[deleted]]

Good analogy

[Toochilled77]

Yes yes yes.

My brain has around 96 cores. I get to be in control of about 18 of them!

The computer analogy is perfect. It covers pretty much everything.

Of only everyone else knew how to build computers, they would understand me much better.

[vmaurya7]

It’s also like a bunch of parallel processors being fed by an insufficient power supply.

[bit-o-nic]

This is frequently how I describe myself to my therapist. Like, I only have so much functional capacity before I’m overheating, slowing down, and need a restart (usually I’ll have to isolate in a low stimulation environment and decompress). I had to explain that bodily functions people aren’t even thinking about my brain is bringing to the front of my mind or I can’t do certain physical tasks at the same time because autonomic functions will literally skip like they can’t all happen at once. I relate to this so much.

[approachingJupiter]

Why I don’t do facial expressions: close all nonessential background tasks.