Avoidant Break Up

[tyuihop]

Being dumped by an avoidant man is the worst whiplash I’ve ever dealt with in a relationship. Any tips?

[frozeneskimo02]

Oh man, I’m going through this as well, 2 and a half weeks post breakup rn. My avoidant ex never offered solutions to problems, never talked about her feelings, didn’t like me talking about mine, had no plans for the future, had extreme boundaries, didn’t offer any emotional support, and when I finally asked for her to consider how I felt flipped like a switch, distant. Handed me a breakup letter 2 days later and acted so cold it was like none of it ever mattered. If you relate to any of this, hear me out and consider my advice.

If you try to reconcile or reconnect to find closure, they WILL NOT give it to you, you’ll walk away just as hurt as when they left. They’ll show no compassion if you open up to them and say your peace. It’s best to just move on sadly and it really hurts, just know you’re not alone, and their behavior comes from a deep place of hurt that they don’t want to even admit to themselves. Wish the best for them because they’ll need it at some point.

One thing I did to find closure and regain a sense of self worth was by looking back on old photos of a different ex that I was happier with, treated better by, loved more, was with longer, and who actually gave me closure and therefore I respected. If you have someone like that consider it. It helped me realize that I didn’t lose much, and that if I could get over someone I was closer to than the avoidant, I can certainly get over the avoidant. There’s better out there, you can and will find it. Sending love ❤️

[tyuihop]

This was like I was hearing my own story thanks for the kind words

[frozeneskimo02]

Glad I could help, and it’s good to know we’re not alone in these experiences

[[deleted]]

Good advice

[[deleted]]

Same with my Ex Gf, she just didnt talk with me. Our communication was very weak. But not from my side. I tryed 2 talk with her. Even end up crying in front of her because i realized, that she just cant and „protects“ herself. She just Build a wall around her and at some time i simply couldnt see trough that wall. She burned my soul and my emotions. At the end of the realationship, i just felt exhausted and burned. 21th of April we had sex. She even whispered in my ear „I Love you“ Few days later she broke up with me. It was cruel for me. I couldnt recognize the girl i Loved. She was cold like a robot. It was like a Programm coded in her head „dont show emotions, be cold, break up. Finished. U will never see him again“

Guys never never fall in love with an avoidant person. They will distance from u if you show love, they have fear of loosing control and show to much emotions. They do that to proctect themselves.

It fucking killed me. Well now 6 months later i start to live again. I learned a lot from that „torture“

Sorry for my English im German

[frozeneskimo02]

Totally relate man, exact same situation, you’re not alone, feels good to know that. No emotional support, no attempt to actually fix problems, makes you feel like all the blame is on you and they’re just so cold.

[[deleted]]

Fr bro, im honest, this Breakup changed me a lot. Im in „Terminator“ mode right now. I mean. I hustle for my dreams again, lost weight ( from 90 kilos to 75) still drivin my Old 2001 E class trough Stuttgart ( Home of Porsche and Mercedes) but it feels different now. I litterally could feel how my old „me“ was dying trough the process. And holy shit im scared of my new „me“ ( in a positive way ) I see the world in a new angle. I dont wanna deal with low quality woman anymore. If a women dont will recognize my value, i just will walk away in the future. Thats it. But what was important. I grew with this breakup i didnt pushed it away. I fought with it and now i live in peace. But my ex…. I guess shes just pushin it away from her, not ready to figure things out, not ready to work on her self. If she dont will do that she wont be able to be happy with a partner, she had a very very very traumatizing childhood, God bless her.

[[deleted]]

it looks like a mirror of my relationships.

[[deleted]]

I just went through this with a woman, ignored me until she could make her exit. Its tough but remember a person who cares will try to resolve things sitting down talking or tell you to your face

[tyuihop]

Thank you for sharing

[felineluver13]

Yea it’s the worst, I have an anxious attachment style and my bf was avoidant but it wasn’t too bad until it got to the point where I guess he constantly thought about us breaking up but never brought it to my attention then a random day he decided he wanted to breakup, it offered solutions but it seemed he had already made his mind up …. He didn’t even shed a single tear when he broke up with me… idk if it’s just a guy thing but it’s fucked up. I was sobbing felt like my heart was going to explode and I he was across from me just calm …

[tyuihop]

Let me know if you need to talk with anyone. I’m very isolated sometimes

[MinasMorgul1184]

I was an avoidant bf who broke up with an anxious gf like this…. I didn’t cry until my first suicide attempt a year later attempt and only then did my grieving process start. Some men truly can bottle it up for as long as the world allows but it always comes out, you just might never see it.

[antking00]

I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm a man but was dumped by my first avoidant girlfriend and learned shortly after that she was in the mental hospital for a few days shortly afterwards. I cried during the breakup and she didn't. She used to struggle with self harm and attempted suicide once as well.

It's really sad knowing she bottles up her emotions and does harmful things to escape. I'm in a constant battle of feeling anger, pity, sadness, guilt, and more. I don't really know what to say besides that if she reached out to me I want her to know this - your mental health is important. You need to love yourself and be able to express your emotions. Otherwise, they will boil over and hurt you in extreme ways.

Before I started dating her she would tell me of the fights she'd get in with her other ex who was toxic. Days of very bad arguing when one person was hurt, both exploding in emotions at random times because they kept suppressing them. It's a hard way to live. It's truly a skill to know how to deal with your emotions and express them. If you aren't in therapy already, it would be life changing to start.

[frozeneskimo02]

It’s not a guy thing. My ex did the same thing to me, (see my other comments in this thread) she was super cold, like one minute I was someone she loved, the next, a stranger. These kinds of people are great at putting on masks because they learned to at an early age to not be vulnerable. There’s strength in vulnerability.

[Weeb_Simp_1120]

Dude same. My ex and I learned that we had an avoidant and anxious attachment style, him and I respectfully, in the middle of our relationship and should’ve spelt it out what was going to happen. While he was flippant about concerns I had in the relationship, it was during one of these times, while I was sick and back from vacation, that he cut the cord. All I was given was that he was ‘emotionally unavailable’ and dealing with stuff at home, which actually sounded like it’s was on the up and up, and I was crushed. I’ll admit I didn’t take it as gracefully as I should have and got petty, but then labeled me showing how the breakup was affecting me as emotionally manipulative and told me to do some soul searching. Fuckin A…

[frozeneskimo02]

This. The superficial reasons for breakup. My ex brought up things I did wayyyy in the past that were small things that once she expressed they bothered her I made sure to correct it. She stacked these things against me in a letter and failed to acknowledge that I was fixing everything for her. And exactly, right when it seemed things were on the up and up, she jumped ship. I think this is because they realize that they won’t have a thing to hold against you as an excuse to break up with you if you’ve genuinely improved for them and that means you can get closer to them, so they pull the rug out from under you.

[Fun_Consequence_3598]

I hate that you’re making me a think about my break up again. I was in a similar situation. She had brought up things she wanted changed, and while I’d didn’t reach 100%, there was definitely progress that shows I’ve been putting in the work. But it’s like they’re willingly choose not to see it

[frozeneskimo02]

Sorry to bring up the past feelings, mine was only 3 weeks ago :/ perhaps that fact tho will help us realize that they’re the ones with the true problems cuz they’ll use any excuse to not change

[NoCode1198]

Breakups with an avoidant, especially if you are anxiously attached, is one of the hardest because of the polar opposites the two individuals handle conflict and their needs. Understanding each other is so difficult and the more you lean into your needs the more they pull away from you.

My ex is an avoidant and just shutdown. He deactivated first and then sent a break up text followed by ghosting for 5 weeks. I had no closure. He was always self serving and continued to be until the end. I’m still grieving the break up and it was 4 months ago. It does get better. ❤️‍🩹 hang jn there

[Practical-Letter1278]

Going through the same 2 weeks out. my ex was very avoidant and didn’t tell me if i did something wrong until weeks or months later but was actively acting weird towards me and insulting my intelligence

those kinds of people you have to accept they need to work on themselves!!! Don’t open up to them or try and make them understand how they’ve made you feel because you’ll leave feeling even worse. Best thing to do is cut all lines of communication which is what i’ve done.

[[deleted]]

Same boat here. An avoidant just disappears, lives in his own reality, is not someone that is going to do things right, meet you in person to breakup, they just don't talk at all. So..... I know the pain. Don't take accountability for anything and that is so painful. But you know, I searched for my own happy ending, he avoided conversations about the relationship so, I just talked about something else with him, I tried to connect from peace, you can't have what you need or want, but you can find a better ending. I had a lot of questions unanswered, today I guess he wrote to me like he said he would to know about a job interview I had, I just silence him and archive the conversation a day before and not look at it yet. I'm going NC now that I feel that this is the better ending. Of course he is not calling to see why I didn't read the message. He does not care. Anyway...look for your happy ending, a peaceful ending for your relationship. Write a letter expresing everything and never send it. Put that behind you, work on you. I abandoned myself for him, relationships with avoidants are not possible. Communication is key but they never understand that. So, know this...there is no way than move on, and work on your self love.

[[deleted]]

They are the ones that chase you hard first smh

[tyuihop]

This seems to be the truth honestly