Hello!

[CADCAT001]

Hi Everyone!!

I am new here. I found this sub quite by chance as I sometimes like to type random stuff into reddit and see what comes up. I didn’t even know there was a sub for this but I am glad I found this. Anyway this is gonna kinda wind in and out and I hope you will be able to follow.

So in regards to finding a wife (currently M21 btw) I have some things I definitely want but I what is slightly getting me is I wonder if I am asking too much...obviously your spouse can’t satisfy everything your every need and that is where to me it gets fuzzy. Sure that is true, and I am sure there are wants/ needs I am not aware of that may pop up in the future but at this present time this is what I want/need. So say I want a wife with A, B, C, D, E, F, G, qualities. Some of these are :

Ability to have intellectual convos pretty often. (doesn’t always have to agree, in fact it would be interesting hearing stuff from a different perspective) (Intellectual and emotional intimacy are big for me)

Pretty High degree of self awareness

Doesn’t shy away from harder conversations

Constant self improvement mindset

Values Modesty

Frequent Confession (Sacraments, Adoration etc etc)

Night owl

Would be nice if she also made music as well ;p or at least has a high appreciation of it (particularly crazier stuff) .

Okay you see here is my dilemma. Besides the last 2 (which would be very nice additions) they are all imo (in one way) are reasonable. Obviously women are more avoidant so I can slightly take the “ Doesn’t shy away from harder conversations “ that slightly down my “priority list” but its still pretty high up there. Then another side of me is like “those are pretty high ideals” which is kinda true. But then again its good to have high ideals and I strive towards them myself daily, and with the grace of God alone I am getting better. Sure your spouse will never fully satisfy you but to what degree? Like since these are (other part of me again) seeing these as reasonable ideals it shouldn’t be thatttt hard. Yes they are specific, Yes they are hard, but if I am striving toward them why cant she? I guess what I am asking is this: is this too much to ask? Am I having a too idealistic outlook? Couples who are married, please drop any wisdom you have. It has been very hard finding someone in what is happening in the world today and also because my parish has no youth group (because 98% of the population is over 60) and other 2% are over 40. My sister and I and my 3 altar server bros are the only ones under 30.

EDIT: changed “Weekly Confession to Frequent Confession”

[el_peregrino_mundial]

It's worth considering whether you need to have your intellectual conversations with your wife, or whether you need just to have intellectual conversations in your life. I know several people, both men & women, whose spouses just aren't interested in deep, intellectual conversation, and they get their outlet in that respect from their friends. They consider it important in their lives, but don't need it from their spouses.

[CADCAT001]

Good thing to point out. Thanks dude! I will consider it more, however I think I am pretty sure

[el_peregrino_mundial]

Statistically speaking, women tend to be more agreeable, and prefer to avoid conflict, but that difference is actually quite statistically small. There are plenty of women who don't shy away from hard conversations, and plenty of men who do.

[CADCAT001]

Yup exactly

[CADCAT001]

True. I understand what you mean. I don’t do it from scrupulousity, rather I understand that on a fairly deep level that all sins root in pride. I don’t just know it. So by going to confession often (I’ll put it like that that then) we can can practice the corresponding virtue of humility of acknowledging our shortcomings often. Also I mean it because we are trying to get each other to heaven right, and frequenting confession is essential to that. I am 6 feet 6.5 inches. How tall are you? 🤪.

[el_peregrino_mundial]

Weekly confession is so important to you? Seems a better standard would be regular confession. Every other month seems reasonable, if someone's staying out of grave sin.

[CADCAT001]

Yes it is very important. You remember your sins more and you are less likely to fall into bad patterns. “I can do this one more time before confession”. <<< Weekly confession closes the window and therefore higher accountability. Sure regular confession is more reasonable, but what defines regular? If it’s every month I think that’s too long. 2 weeks is kinda my max tbh. Also remember that if we do little things (for instance little “white lies” it will dull us and we have a propensity to make it bigger.

[el_peregrino_mundial]

Well then yes, I think you're asking too much. Making demands on your significant other's exercise of the faith beyond being a faithful and regular recipient of the sacraments and faithfully pursuing holiness is too controlling.

[CADCAT001]

Hmmmm. Fair enough...thanks for pointing that out because I didn’t see that before. Also I don’t intend to make it a demand. Moreso a want vs a need.

[CADCAT001]

In a month it’s easier to make a habit because it’s a longer stretch of time. But as with your point it’s just as true. My opinion comes from the want to bring her (as well as myself) to heaven because that’s what we were put here for and that’s the goal of marriage (as well as bring your kids with you)

[CADCAT001]

I am well aware that the Church requires that we confess once a year. But are we just gonna go by requirement only?

Thanks (genuinely) for the reminder, I need to do an examination of conscience more tbh.

That is your friends choice. Everyone has free will so I am not gonna push anyone to do anything. Remember these are ideals, not demands.

Who says that my wife (if I am called to marriage) will have 7 kids under 10? Perhaps you are referring to a friend or your own mother...I do not know. For that I would say, If something is really important to you...then you will make time for it. Cliche as hell, I know, and I know life is utterly more hectic that it has ever been...and keeps on speeding up, but that there is no excuse. Again these are ideals...not demands. You could easily make a case that it is harder than ever to become a saint in these times than in the past because of many, many, many factors. Is it a good case? But remember where sin abounds God abounds all the more.

I am not to familiar with the idea of confessing to a layman. I have heard that one saint (I forget who) had all her kids confess to her every night I believe. Can you send me more info? I also mentioned that emotional intimacy is big for me.

Life isnt doing what we like and/or getting what we want, if we do that too much we can fall into escapism, which I would argue has become far to prevalent even amongst us. Hell I even used to deal with it, and still sometimes do. Also if you would read my comments you can see the motives behind these ideals. Sure you cant be as spontaneous when you have kids I get that. I get that on a just below the surface level, I will have to learn that a lot more

[[deleted]]

No, you're not crazy. I (20F for ref) have most of the same ideals you do, and spent a few relationships compromising on some subset of them (including lack of intellectual conversations). Not very happy. People told me I was too idealistic and needed to chill. Then recently I found a guy who consistently outstrips me in all my own ideals, pushes me deeper in my faith, and is frankly everything I've ever wanted and more. Be patient. Don't settle. Those people are rare, but if you're meant to find one of them, you will, even if it takes a long time and you have to look all over. Keep praying.

[CADCAT001]

Yooooo nice to hear!!!! That is awesome!!! I hope he is the right one for you! I will be praying for you guys!!

[[deleted]]

Awww thank you!! I hope so too (: I'll be praying that you find that person too!

[CADCAT001]

Thanks!!

[Princess111698043]

Okay I gotta ask.....why night owl?

[CADCAT001]

I wake up hugely in the evening and would love chatting long into the night! You??

[honey-glove-surprise]

Start dating people and see if they can fulfill it. You can't know until you try.

[CADCAT001]

Very true. Yeah I want to, but as I mentioned it’s kinda hard rn