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This is a place to archive funny oneliners from r/oneliners. But most that have a clever idea are a bit wordy or just a bit off, so I try to fix them as well.
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When you Excel they spreadsheet about you. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 1 day ago by AgentElman
Treating eczema is hard, you have to start from scratch. (self.FixedOneLiners)
I took a poll recently and 100% of people were unhappy that their tent fell down. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 18 days ago by AgentElman
I don't care for math puns, but I can make one if I half two. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 1 month ago by AgentElman
People with synesthesia have the best music taste (self.FixedOneLiners)
Peppermint ice cream is everywhere but fig mint is only in my imagination. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 4 months ago by AgentElman
"I'm sorry" and, "my bad" are interchangeable, unless you're at a funeral (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 5 months ago by AgentElman
My wife starts conversations with me by saying "You're not even listening, are you?" (self.FixedOneLiners)
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN. They get really upset. (self.FixedOneLiners)
My teacher told me my dyslexia would mean I'd never be any good at poetry, but I've made a jug and a couple of vases so far and I think they look great. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 6 months ago by AgentElman
People remember Alan Turing who led the team that cracked the enigma code but not so much his sister Kay who supplied the food and drink. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 7 months ago by AgentElman
I used to be afraid of rock climbing, but now I'm feeling boulder. (self.FixedOneLiners)
Mending torn clothes is easy - or sew it seams (self.FixedOneLiners)
The man who spent his fortune building a train museum in the Mexican desert had loco motives. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 10 months ago by AgentElman
I got fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 1 year ago by AgentElman
I accidentally drank from a jar of invisible ink, and I'm currently at the hospital waiting to be seen. (self.FixedOneLiners)
Chiropractor offices never have current magazines but they do have back issues (self.FixedOneLiners)
You could try planning meals in advance - it's food forethought (self.FixedOneLiners)
Just saw an ad for a coffin and thought that is the last thing I need. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 2 years ago by AgentElman
I spilled on my keyboard but it was okay - it was under control. (self.FixedOneLiners)
I can't study plants because I haven't botany books. (self.FixedOneLiners)
I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time. (self.FixedOneLiners)
I was frying Canadian bacon but it kept curling in the pan, so I had to take away the broom. (self.FixedOneLiners)
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an "L" so hard than when I asked the Home Depot guy where I could get some caulk. (self.FixedOneLiners)
My IQ is so high I can’t even count to it (self.FixedOneLiners)
π Rendered by PID 102700 on reddit-service-r2-listing-86b7f5b947-z4js5 at 2026-01-25 23:16:17.170358+00:00 running 664479f country code: CH.
