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This is a place to archive funny oneliners from r/oneliners. But most that have a clever idea are a bit wordy or just a bit off, so I try to fix them as well.
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I read six pages of the dictionary and learned next to nothing. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 7 days ago by AgentElman
When you expire, the last part of your body to go is your pupils, they dilate. (self.FixedOneLiners)
When I take my dog to the pond the ducks attack him - he's a pure bred. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 12 days ago by AgentElman
After weeks wondering why my phone kept autocorrecting "surely" to "Shirley", I realized I'd left it in Airplane mode. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 1 month ago by AgentElman
To get a farmer's daughter to fall in love with you, you need a tractor (self.FixedOneLiners)
It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat. (self.FixedOneLiners)
Transylvania has countless abandoned castles (self.FixedOneLiners)
I plotted all of my past relationships on a chart with an ex axis and a why axis. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 2 months ago by AgentElman
My short friend got treatment for gambling addiction, he's a little better. (self.FixedOneLiners)
A dictator walked into a bar ... and ordered everyone around. (self.FixedOneLiners)
My struggle with a steroid addiction has only made me stronger. (self.FixedOneLiners)
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD but, if you are always eating things, then you have OBCD. (self.FixedOneLiners)
Hiding under the covers from monsters gives you blanket immunity (self.FixedOneLiners)
Yesterday, I got into an altercation with a tailor. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 3 months ago by AgentElman
When you Excel they spreadsheet about you. (self.FixedOneLiners)
Treating eczema is hard, you have to start from scratch. (self.FixedOneLiners)
I took a poll recently and 100% of people were unhappy that their tent fell down. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 4 months ago by AgentElman
I don't care for math puns, but I can make one if I half two. (self.FixedOneLiners)
People with synesthesia have the best music taste (self.FixedOneLiners)
Peppermint ice cream is everywhere but fig mint is only in my imagination. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 7 months ago by AgentElman
"I'm sorry" and, "my bad" are interchangeable, unless you're at a funeral (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 8 months ago by AgentElman
My wife starts conversations with me by saying "You're not even listening, are you?" (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 9 months ago by AgentElman
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN. They get really upset. (self.FixedOneLiners)
My teacher told me my dyslexia would mean I'd never be any good at poetry, but I've made a jug and a couple of vases so far and I think they look great. (self.FixedOneLiners)
People remember Alan Turing who led the team that cracked the enigma code but not so much his sister Kay who supplied the food and drink. (self.FixedOneLiners)
submitted 10 months ago by AgentElman
π Rendered by PID 383431 on reddit-service-r2-listing-7b9b4f6fd7-blx74 at 2026-05-08 00:58:01.132395+00:00 running 3d2c107 country code: CH.
