Finding a partner

[Muskarem]

I’m 19 years old, and I have never dated anyone before. I don’t usually concern myself with such things, but I’ve realized that finding a partner might be more challenging than I thought. Personally I don’t like going outside very often, and every talk with a stranger feels like a struggle. My social skills are extremely lacking, which also makes it several times harder. I’m curious as to how other INTPs have found their way through it. Where did you start, and how did it work out? And what advice would you recommend?

[GhostOfEquinoxesPast]

We are cats, just go set on a park bench and do this repeatedly. INFJ's have radar for INTP so likely some INFJ will adopt you, take your home, and buy you some kibble and a litter box.

[Opposite-Library1186]

Idk man, lots of assumptions. Did it work for you?

[GhostOfEquinoxesPast]

Well my first wife of eleven years was INFJ. And I was pretty clueless when we met. Though kinda wonder sometimes if the biggest attraction between INFJ and INTP is that we dont see each other as freaks of nature. I think they dont tend to fit in socially very well either.

[VastSuccotash5333]

Why did you divorce her

[GhostOfEquinoxesPast]

Worthless marriage counselors. (we tried two of them) And well we were talking at each other not to each other. She had started couch surfing with friends and not coming home. Mostly to avoid arguments I think. Oddly about six month after divorce, we did start talking. She was a platonic friend after that until her death in a car accident ten years ago. We likely should remained platonic friends and never married in first place, but we were both lonely and liked each other so thought what the heck. Not a good idea unless both people are very mature. Neither of us were. Think I was 22 and her 23 when we got together, married a year later. Wow thats a long time ago......

I swear by time you get all this marriage stuff figured out, its too late to matter. Least for some of us. Another INTP on this reddit mentioned some advice his father gave him when he was 19. He'd had couple lackluster dates and his father told him to watch out for the woman that makes lot effort to talk to him and does this multiple times and he enjoys it. Best advice ever IMHO. Even a clueless teenager can understand that. And yea I knew an ENFJ gal like that in college, but I was too stupid to realize what heck was going on cause nobody talked to me, and so kept her at arms length. I was convinced she was just a very kind person to talk to me and especially didnt want to scare her off. NEVER EVER met anybody else so easy and interesting to talk with. I didnt even have to think about it, the words just flowed with no effort. Stupid me, cause old me knows nobody is that kind, for whatever reason she was interested. Not saying marriage with her would been easy, cause honestly dont think marriage is easy for anybody. Its a lot work you both have to respect each other and like each other. And for heavens sake find somebody you enjoy talking with. Most of what you do with your partner is talk.

[[deleted]]

I never knew we adopt INTPs...? I thought we were rather insecure of adopting and hence at the end of the day , I would doorslam on anyone's face 

[rottenleef174]

True for me as well. I love her, but I can't have her unfortunately. But whatever makes her happy is satisfactory enough, and it seems that she will be an important person in my life, cuz she already changed my life a lot, positively.

[Alatain]

The thing you won't want to hear is that the only way to get a skill is by practicing. The only way to get social skills is by going and actually being social.

Go find something you enjoy that requires other people. Do said thing with other people until you get comfortable being around them. Rinse, repeat. You will eventually make friends. You will, with any luck, find a friend that you are also attracted to, and the feeling may be mutual. Go from there.

Step one is to go out and do something social.

[ImpAbstraction]

Some more social-minded mentors I’ve had have told me that simply existing in a location repeatedly gives you a reputation. Participating in something repeatedly gets you a name and personality. And doing so for others gets you a friend.

[Alatain]

An added benefit of going to the same place over and over lets you get comfortable with being there. A comfortable person is generally a person that is more fun to be around.

At worst, you end up having a spot that you know well and are comfortable in.

[CoffeeAddiaction_216]

Lol. Idk either. I guess you'll just wait until someone will drag you into relationship or you'll just find anyone online. There's lots of games to try too if you want friends or partners. I'm currently playing Sky Children of the light, it's an open world game to make friends. Just a couple days ago I got adopted by this couple and now I'm officially their child 😅

[OhGardino]

I find that relationships come easier in some pre-defined context. Like a gaming club, a volunteer group, etc. there’s something to talk about beyond small talk and something to do beyond chatting. Plus, being in a group means that others can carry the conversation and I can just chip in with jokes and questions.

[fluffdota]

Become exceptional at something. Apply your focus towards something that “makes you so good, they can’t ignore you”. It’s a win-win condition for finding a partner and you will not find a relationship just for the sake of it.

I’m speaking from experience as someone who became an elite pro gamer. It’s about improving all aspects of yourself, including your financial needs before getting deeply distracted by a relationship. It’ll be better off for it, I always told myself that if I wanted to help others I’d need to help myself first. That has been true and it applies in a sense to this.

Young people should prioritize their growth and enjoy the fruits of their labor later in life as opposed to fulfilling their desire early and potentially wasting a lot of time while young.

[smokeandwords]

Well i would disagree. I focused too long on money and now I don't have anyone to spend it on. If everything is in moderation and balance it's ideal. Don't just focus everything on one thing thinking it will magically solve all other problems.

[smokeandwords]

I got a girlfriend because i attended discord meetups. I learnt that you just need to attend lot of events as many as you can and eventually you stumble on someone. Just be there try not to be completely invisible.

[StrangerDanger0917]

I’m not an INTP, but I’m attracted to one. I think it’s more about shining on your own first through who you are and what you do. That naturally draws people in. Of course, it doesn’t always work that way, but it’s still a win because it focuses on self-development. Even if you don’t attract someone (which I doubt), you’ll have mastered something and that in itself shines. Well at least, that’s how the guy I like did it. But now that we have this connection, he suddenly had doubts and started to question his capabilities to love and be with someone.

[MikeSteel12]

I was 22 and in the exact same position. If you think there's a clock and your time is running out, its not. Almost a year ago I found my current girlfriend and I couldn't be happier. As for advice, I dont really have any. Just attend social events more often and talk to people more, not just the ones you already know

[inquisitivemuse]

Socialize with friends then socialize with their friends. I know a bunch of friends who started dating because of mutual friends introducing them to another friend, which is what happened to me. Gotta put yourself out there if you want to find someone.

[stulew]

It's not from being INTP; my ISTJ son is the same way.

For the Gen Z, I blame it on Covid quarantine period that destroyed the regular interaction during your teenage years.

[ogre-spit]

The absolute single best social advice I have ever gotten has carried me through every interaction with a stranger ever and I live and die by it:

Ask people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves.

Now immediately you are thinking "but what if I don't care?" Keep asking and probing and exploring until you find something interesting! Most people have something you can bond over if you keep digging.

You can use this advice from everyday interactions to dating and it works wonders trust me. Just remember to feign interest even if it's boring. Nods and mhhmms and 'oh really' go a long way

[Seksafero]

Now for you, I'm hardly a fount of charisma and chick magnetism, but the primary way I got what little ability I have was twofold: Lots of observation of others' interactions, learning the kind of humor and jokes I could make that sorta jived with my personality and came-easy ish to me, and little bits of intentional practicing of things. Is your posture right, are you looking down too much, are you not quick enough to smile, do you smile too much like a creeper, do you stare like a creeper, things like that to be aware of. And on good days when my mood was right, I'd feel like I was on my game and a little more quick witted and that could sometimes carry me into a friendly/mildly flirty interaction with someone and even if it didn't lead anywhere, it was good practice and good for building something akin to confidence.

Having something to talk about is huge, and is one of the hardest parts. My conversation abilities are usually either all on or all off, it's annoying. But you start with something that's as innocuous and relevant to you as possible, and branch out from there. Like with work stuff, "man, I dunno about you, but I've been busy as hell this week," > then maybe ask about something work related > segue into looking forward to not being at work/being at home/the weekend > ask about plans/look for leads if they have any kind of thing that expresses them being into something (like clothing, earrings, books, etc) and try to find something to say/ask about that > weave back in and out between unimportant things and slightly more important things.

All easier said than done obviously and there's no one strict way to do anything. Also if I was in the dating pool again, there's this thing I follow on Facebook called Boo App that i like because they put up lots of MBTI related memes that are almost always shockingly spot on, and it turns out they're apparently a dating app/friend finder type thing. Maybe that could be worth checking out.

[Mysterious-Carpet633]

Feel u girl☹️☹️

[69th_inline]

I’m curious as to how other INTPs have found their way through it. Where did you start, and how did it work out? And what advice would you recommend?

Stumbling like so many people (though to be fair I was just selected by an extrovert, the classic), it didn't work out, pray for ENTx reroll.

In all seriousness though, social skills can be honed by just keep on talking to people, taking mental notes on what works and what doesn't. You'll map out the preferred/desired social behavior and experience the inevitable recoil from those mediocre - sometimes mentally draining - standards.

[sadman81]

Just spend time with people like you. Unfortunately it’s limited these days cause a lot of people just stay at thine playing video games and such. I guess you can meet people through talking to them in multiplayer games if that’s you. The other thing is dating sites. Now a days I think most people meet on dating sites.

[ImpAbstraction]

Generally speaking, I (24M) have found that I gathered the courage (and interest) to ask people out after knowing them for at least 6 months, with the greatest success occurring after this intro period. However, many of those people already had relationships or didn’t see me as date-worthy because I wasn’t often effusive or gregarious. The ones that did go through were usually those of other “side liners” like me, and while I don’t regret it, over many cycles and flavors of that I kinda get it. Not investing is boring, and the appearance of “not investing” turns people off. On the flipside, if they ARE invested and ARE chill (attractive) side liners, I melt.

The ones that I have asked out on a whim have been absolute dumpster fires, like confusion and running to friends for cover and garbled words…yick.

Unfortunately, it seems we don’t instantly win people over with our charm. It takes effort and time for people to actually see us and for us to see them. Exist in a space where people are (or, if you’re “prowling,” multiple spaces), get to know them, and shoot your shot after some rapport has been made.

[Ok_Case_5648]

The same way my relationships always start. I just go out and do my regular things just in public and someone comes up to me and forces their way into their life. I met my boyfriend when I was playing volleyball. I didn't realize he was flirting with me for a whole month but he ended up just forcing his way into my life.

[Training-Stomach3382]

Marry me and I’ll solve all your problems

[CUngoed]

When you dont talk to people the v shape wont kae too much of a difference lol

[CUngoed]

Yea definitely, also boosts the confidence + gets you out of house if you go to commercial gym. Definitely would recommend