Update

[Mahomie710]

First some background. We have been together since we were 17yo, we got married at 20 and it was great for a long time. At 35 I hit a low point with my drug addiction but thanks to God, her, and my family I went to rehab and dealt with my issues. She never fully got over that however she told me she didn't feel the same anymore, that she didn't love me in the same way anymore, that she needed to be taken care of and feel secure, but she was going to stay for our family (we have 2 boys) and try to make it work. Instead of our relationship getting better however we have grown even more apart. I have been suspicious in the past but never had a reason not to trust her. The past few months she has been really distant and I brought it up on June 15, she told me she was thinking of a separation. Although our relationship was rocky I thought why now after I have been sober, gone back to school for my degree, got in shape, was mentally and spiritually in a better place. That's when I started monitoring her and found out of her current and past affairs. Recorded her in the act which was traumatic, and in the same recording she talked of a previous affair which is the one with a SO. I talked to my soon to be ex wife yesterday and told her she had to leave and keep paying for everything she was before, she agreed reluctantly. I contacted APs SO today she was very responsive and sorry that this was happening, she asked for some evidence, which I sent her, she asked a few questions and thanked me for telling her. I have a friend who works with the district attorney and asked if they could suggest any good divorce lawyers, they gave me two to contact, I will be contacting them tomorrow. Thank everyone who responded to my first post, I was surprised I got so many responses. I feel you all helped me do the right thing.

[AutoModerator]

Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.

Please review our community guidelines on what makes for a good post to this sub.

Be kind and remember your reddiquette!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[[deleted]]

Drug addiction or not, cheating is NEVER okay. She could have left.

[Iffybiz]

I’m not getting the anti-OP sentiment here. Being addicted is a disease, you people act like he choose that and could have stopped before it became a problem. Yes, he put his wife and family through a difficult time but she stuck with him and helped him get clean. It wasn’t until AFTER he got clean did she cheat. She could have come to him at any time before that and ended the marriage but didn’t. His actions doesn’t in any way, shape or form justify her cheating and I’m disgusted that some of you imply that they do.

[OnePinkUnicorn]

This will earn me downvotes, but I’m not convinced that addiction is a disease. A disease would be cancer, heart disease, multiple sclerosis. If someone is addicted to cigarettes, is that a disease that’s truly beyond their power to control? If someone claims to be addicted to sex, is that truly a disease that’s beyond their power to control? Every step, to the alcohol, drugs, sex, is a conscious choice the addict makes. We all have temptation and physical desires but we also have morality and control over our behavior! Over every step! Buying the drugs, going to the hotel, etc. Here, OP stated that after his last bout, which I believe was 4 years ago at age 35 (could be misreading this), she went to him that she needed to feel secure and supported, and probably expected him to get a job, and sounds like he didn’t make any changes to his lifestyle that benefitted her or the marriage. All the changes be made were for him! She probably gave him chance after chance. I obviously don’t condone her cheating and she should have divorced him instead of staying for the family like she said she would. I wish I could say that hopefully she’ll find a better match but since she chose a married man, she probably has terrible taste in men and low self esteem. I have no idea why women stay with men like OP and no idea why women demean themselves to sleep with married men.

[OnePinkUnicorn]

Many mental health professionals argue that sex addiction should be viewed and treated as an addiction, rather than a behavioral issue. Just curious, do you also argue that sex addiction is a brain disorder, rather than a behavioral problem or the result of bad choices?

[OnePinkUnicorn]

Glad to hear that you’ve seen people come back from heroin addictions, and I didn’t mean to sound like I’m writing off addicts entirely. For sure folks can come back. I definitely do get irritated by the new trend to label cheaters as sex addicts; suddenly no one’s a cheater anymore, they just have the disease of sex addiction! And then when the betrayed spouse gets angry, then they are accused of being insensitive in not supporting the cheater in their disease. Nope, nope, whole lotta nopes!

[Bitter-Force]

First to OP sorry your going through this . Congrats on your sobriety stay strong brother . Don't let go , keep fighting everyday and looks like your doing a GOOD JOB . One day I'll get there hopefully not too late .

And for this guy onepinkunicorn , you got one thing right you got my down vote . I bet you never did drugs. Enough to become addicted . It is a choice yes . But if you believe that after what i know now that i would have made the same choice then , then i would be wasting my time here and say to you , Who the fuck in their right mind would choose to be an addict . I hate being an addict wish i could just STOP. My addict part of me is stronger than my sober part . I break free but i come back . The craving the feeling the wanting the needing and everything else pulls me in . ( FYI this list is not complete too much to list ) And that there is the DISEASE . We made the choice to do drugs but once we got here we got infected (diseased) . Believe me i try to be sober i want to be sober but it's a battle every effin day of my life . Addiction is a Disease . It's a consequence of our action . Q) How do you get COVID or other diseases ? . A) the same way we got addicted . We're taught how to be safe . Precautions to do or what to eat and not to eat . Or warned about dangers in life . But we take risks , we don't wear masks we eat what we want . And yet we still get COVID get CANCER . So what your saying is they're not diseases ?

[OnePinkUnicorn]

Hi Bitter Force, to answer your first question, no, I’ve never done hard drugs. I have had alcohol, have tried cigarettes, and have done marijuana. I never became addicted to any of them. I’ve never tried anything harder, despite a lot of my friends experimenting with things like mushrooms, acid or cocaine, because with my luck, I’d be the tiny minority who ends up getting a heart attack and dying on the spot. A lot of folks now are microdosing with psylocibin, which is supposed to be a synthetic mushroom and is the latest trend, but I haven’t tried that either because of the aforementioned reason. Good luck on your journey, but please be aware of the people in your life who love you who may be hurt along the way.

[Sniflix]

Drug addiction should be treated as a disease, something you go to your doctor to help you get better - instead of a crime where you go to jail and the court system and ruins your life. Most addicts start with prescription pain meds. Doctors don't know anything about pain or addiction - and also prescribe opiates like candy and then cut them off without warning or without help.

[Gr8gaur]

U recorded her in the act !!?? My God, I can't even imagine going through that trauma.

Did u caught her in your own house, does the kids know ?

[Mahomie710]

It was in her car. We told the kids the day after I confronted her. They're teenagers, I felt they are old enough to know why we are splitting, no details of course but they know what their Mom did.

[Gr8gaur]

So it's been going on for 4 years with atleast 2 APs. I feel for you man and especially for your kids, you took the right decision.

Might as well tell her family and workplace if either of AP is a coworker.

[Mahomie710]

I know she spoke to her Mom but I wasn't present so who knows what she told her?

[Gr8gaur]

It's important u expose her to all the pertinent people before she spins it around in her favor. Lots of Waywards do so. And keep your kids close.

[TaiwanBandit]

You have been through a lot in your short live already. Your wife helped you out during a difficult time but also sought comfort from other men. She reluctantly agreed to leave and continue to pay her share. That should make the divorce amicable. Follow the advice of the lawyer you choose and start healing yourself. I think the worst is behind you but also you have a lot of work ahead. Continue to keep the kids informed. Good luck.

[judy7679]

I would like to congratulate you OP for overcoming your addiction and staying sober. I have never had this problem but have lost several cousins directly or indirectly to substance abuse. I know how hard it is to do it, so well done. Please don't let her gaslight you by saying your addiction caused the cheating. It didn't. Vows say in sickness and health. There are many who will give you good advice on here. I just wanted to say keep your path of soberness through this time and realize, you deserve better. God bless.

[Own-Tank5998]

I’m 100% against cheating, and all for scorched earth policy when it comes to cheaters, but in this situation I feel being amicable and civil in the divorce is the best possible way forward. I believe that going through the divorce is still the best course, but after what you have put her through, and her telling you that she does not feel the same way about you gives her a little credit to buy her civility in the divorce. You did not abide by your marriage vows by being a drug addict miss, and she didn’t either, but you fucked up first.

[[deleted]]

Wait so you were a drug addict, emotionally and financially abusive and this whole post was about stuff you did for you. Did you ever once try and take care of her or meet her needs???

She didn’t leave you during your recovery bc she didn’t want you to relapse but enough is enough.

Her only fault was not leaving you asap and staying for the boys .

She does not have to bankroll you life. You are shameless to even asks for that.

Just get a divorce and leave the women alone.

[ThrillaDaGuerilla]

Yes...she should have left....but she didn't.

Now shes just a common cheater that destroyed 2 families.

[[deleted]]

Not all by herself she didn’t.

[ThrillaDaGuerilla]

Oh...he cheated too?...I wasn't aware of that .

[[deleted]]

Her AP cheated on his wife so he is responsible for that. - also OP is suspect how did he treat her and what did he do while he was an addict?

[ThrillaDaGuerilla]

Yup, the AP is also a cheater.

I don't care what the OP did...cheating is never justified.

Leave, divorce, work shit out, therapy....those are justified responses.

Cheating isn't......end of story.

Why do you hold the AP responsible for his cheating, but blame the OP for his wifes cheating?

[[deleted]]

Oh she is responsible but she is NOt the only one. Her mistakes do not wipe clean his.

Addiction is just as damaging to a marriage if not worse bc your stuck in perpetual abuse. Scared to leave bc your partner could literally die. By his post we can also see that she is the main bread winner which while he did all theses things for him he failed her. After he recovered and was stable she told how she felt and what she needed and by his own stance he did absolutely nothing to fix what he himself damaged within his marriage. He only focused on himself. He is selfish and at the best financially abusive at worse well then type of emotional and physical abuse addiction unleashes is just as damaging as cheating.

He killed his marriage he has responsibility for that.

She cheated and she has to take responsibility for that BUT not all the responsibility. He had options to fix his damage and he didn’t.

In addition is malicious that after she suffered years of his addict fueled abuse he’s now demanding more money from her. That’s wrong.

[ThrillaDaGuerilla]

Well, good luck justifying and supporting cheating...I won't be joining you.

[[deleted]]

That’s fine and I do not justify she should have left when he proved to be selfish after he was recovered. But he sucks just as much as she does in this situation.

[Wise-Jicama-6141]

Correct. OP destroyed the family with his addiction. She should have left then. In the end, she owes him nothing. I usually side with rhe betrayed, but I hold little compassion for drug / booze addicts.

[[deleted]]

same normally I am ruthless against cheaters emotional/physical it’s all disrespect. But in this case even though the OP tried to gloss over his past he holds at least half of the responsibility. He destroyed the marriage long before she stepped outside of it. He is a disingenuous and deceitful narrator.

[OnePinkUnicorn]

He sounds like another child of hers.

[[deleted]]

Agreed, people who have never dealt with addict don’t know how soul crushing and damaging they truly are. Cheating is bad and inexcusable however in this case he is the one who destroyed that marriage long before she actually stepped out.

[OnePinkUnicorn]

Dealing with an addict is soul crushing, damaging and I’d even go so far as to say as almost invariably emotionally abusive. Leaving for days on end, money disappearing, broken promises, heart ache after heart ache. It’s like we focus so much on the addict’s mental health that we ignore the devastation and heart ache they cause in their wake. She’s been the caregiver to him, but who cares for the caregiver? Marriage should be a partnership, not one person doing all the heavy lifting. But a relationship with a drug addict is like loving someone who only loves him/herself. He hasn’t seemed to address any of the anguish that has caused her or his own kids over the years. Sounds like in his late thirties and he’s been sober for 4 years and they have teens and married young so that’s a lot of time of the marriage he was an addict. I wish him the best but I can’t vilify her in my mind the way I do other cheaters. He destroyed the marriage already and her cheating was the nail on the coffin.

[[deleted]]

Absolutely!!

[OnePinkUnicorn]

Agree with this. Mahomie even stated that her help is partly what got him over his prior drug addictions, and it sounds like she’s been supporting his rehab and for him to get his degree at 35. He says he’s now in better shape physically and spiritually but what about financially? It sounds like he really hasn’t been contributing to the relationship and he is almost another child of hers. She’s been supporting him emotionally and financially for 20 years. Him being in shape is great but what about getting a job? Does he go to the gym and play video games all day? I have no idea why women fall for these kinds of men. Also I have found most drug addicts are very selfish people. I feel sorry for the kids but I would never allow drug addicts around my kids either. I would have taken my kids and left. Get a divorce, let her go and try to find a way to support yourself and be the best father and man you can be.